My current feelings are telling me that who says we are ever supposed to win the war we need just to live and not let our gaurd down, and Hashem will do what he fits right to do...

BH I just had a fall

Welcome to GYE

​First, stop fears about the future like "I will eventually fall"
Past has gone, future is a mistery, all that counts is the present. Now.

This is normal that the pictures are now in your head, they will not disappear in one instant like "Poof ! Magic ! It's gone". During a moment they will return again and again. And after, they will begin to fade.

But remember : these are only thoughts produced by your brain because of addiction. Don't focus on them, and don't try to fight them, because it's like trying to punch a ghost. Instead : focus on anything else. Make your life occupied with positive activities that will make your mind busy.

There is is also a technique called "Swish Pattern" for bad thoughts, you can take a look at it.

You made the first and most important step by locking your phone ! Pray also for Hachem help. And only a day, an hour, a minute at a time ! Don't be preoccupied about future, the important is NOW

thanks for the feedback, growstrong and hhm.
im not an addict. therefore what is N/A for addicts (a fight) is for me (''normal''? i guess in this regard) very applicable. i think that ''answers the two posts although surrendering would def. help alot of addicts out there (i shouldnt say ''def.'' cause all i know about addicts is from reading the forums. )
i think im holding in the milchemes hayetzer stage.
as an aside, i am touched by the concern.

rolemodel wrote on 05 Apr 2019 01:44:

Hye Bud keep it up. Sounds like you are doing well and happy. That is the main thing in recovery it seems- to feel happy. I noticed some times when you felt unproductive in your earlier posts. That is par for the course for us around here. And the more you feel good about being sober, the more you'll likely stay sober. 

Keep on Monstuh Smiling!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 20 May 2019 11:04:

not to get into my whole hasgachic discussion and understanding of these things which is very limited, i think theres a very big deep secret here in the word 'surrender' which works for the craziest sex addicts out there on a daily basis to overcome the most powerful yetzer there is that literally overtook their lives and brains.
Can a way to 'beat' the yetzer hora really have come from a bunch of goyishe drunks???
Well i like to compare it to ikvasa d'meshicha and what chazal say about how David Hamelech came into being.
It definitely asks for more iyun, but what do i know im just another sex drunk in recovery and for sure i am not a learned one... just a theory...
and knowledge didnt help me to stop acting out on my lust.
Surrender (quitting to fight) did though :-)

I’ll wrote on 15 May 2019 04:16:

I’ll say one final thing about this, and to be honest, I’m writing for myself a bit, but maybe you will find it helpful as well. I’m not saying that people can live without without sexual feelings and urges. As humans, we are all sexual beings. However, how you view those feelings and urges is up to you. You can look at it as a PROBLEM, thinking hey, if I feel these things I should have a way of expressing these feelings, or you can say it’s ok to have these urges and feelings, I’m human, but it doesn’t mean I need to jack off or look at porn if that goes against my values. Typing on my phone where I can’t see what I’m typing , so hope that made sense

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 May 2019 11:29:

Because there is too much emphasis placed on the "streak" to begin with.

There are a slew of people who introduce themselves by sayin', "Hi, how are youI? My name is messiahiscomin' and by the good grace of gye I'm 1,111 days cleanI, and so could you." And then later in the conversation, "it is today that matters." If, MrI. Hamdulallah, today is really what counts, then why the hell didn't you say so to begin with? We are emphasizin' the streak and payin' lip service for what really matters.

SA, by the way, does similar, but not as bad. "Hello, my name is Dolittlejr. I'm a lustaholic and a drug addict and I have been sober since August 8th, 1981." Then, later, they say to the newcomer that today (damnit - hope BigMoish didn't see that spellin') is what counts.

[The purpose of this post isI not to extol the virtues of havin' a sobriety date or keepin' aI streak; there are merits to that. It is simply a continuation of the thread regardin' numbers and an answerI to why people perhaps give up hope after fallin' from a long streakI. A deeper understandin' of the answer (and one that some won't wanna hear) is that they might not be workin' a program; they are simply countin'I days, similar to what many of us did last night when we counted 27.]

Godspeed!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 May 2019 03:15:

The numbers are indicative of a streak; if the streak stops, you start at zero or one again. It is simple English. You can disagree with the concept of keepin' track of a streak, but that's what it is.

Additionally, why do you make a distinction between one fall and a "several-day-binge"? He's still not at zero; he learned so much over the past 41 days, 97, 1,500, etc.? Come to think of it, even if he never enters recovery again, he has still learned valuable lessons from his days/years in recovery.

Once again, if there is merit in countin', it is my (not so humble) opinion that there should be two counts recorded: one an indicator of a streak (for that builds momentum, even though at times it can beI misleadin', for there's white-knucklin' involved and finger-bitin' etc. and no real concrete change), and another number demonstratin' the amount of days/years one has been tryin' to kick thisI habit, addiction, yetzer hara, escapism, whatever the hell you'd like to call it.

BS"D

With Hashem's help, here I bring a series of Chizukim suitable for everyone who tries to make this 90 day Challenge.

I would like to do it with a Daily basis of Shiurim, made by me or extracts from other books, so that you can help yourself and not fall for the temptations of the Yetzer Hara.

Here you can find Shiurim, Chizukim, nice explanations, and survival techniques in this world full of immodest sights.

Without further ado, let's start:

Day 1 

Do you feel that the Yetzer is taking over your life? That you can no longer control what you do, even if you try not to last long and fall back?

Maybe you feel Depressed by this situation, maybe you think you can not beat the Yetzer Hara, but it's not like that.

Hashem is the one who sends us these tests, to see if we are really willing to fight for Him,
It is written that Hashem only sends Nisiyonot that we can pass, since obviously he would not send us something that we could not pass.

And believe me that He loves us, and wants to see how willing you are to improve yourself as a person, to start being a Soldier of Hashem.

And the worst thing that can happen to you is after sinning, thinking that you are a sinner, and that Hashem does not love you, and what you have done is useless ...
The Yetzer comes to make you dizzy so you do not continue what you do, because he knows you're winning, and he tries to do the impossible to keep you in the position you are.
But with the help of Hashem, everything can be done.

If you want to stop thinking that, keep in mind each moment of those:

Maybe your Yetzer Winned you. Maybe you loosed  the battle, but no the War.Your Yetzer will bother you saying: "You are the worst, Hashem hates you". But isn't true. Hashem loves you more than all of us. Hashem knows that the Yetzer Hara wins you, but, if you pray, He will save you. If you win only one battle, if you give up your lust, Hashem will reward you Millions and billion times more than a Tzaddik, Because "In the place where a Baal Teshuva stands, a Tzaddik cannot stand". It does not compare a tzaddik that didn't taste the sin, that a person that has already tasted the sin, and beats the Yetzer Hara.So, keep fighting and, don't forget: Keep praying. Show to Hashem that you Want to change, and Hashem will help you.


Day 2

Do you want the Rambam´s definition of a Baal Teshuva?For example: A person that is struggling with "some images", or with prohibited women (Arayot) and decided to not fall and make the sin, is in the path, but is not considered a real Baal Teshuva.So, how I can be a real Baal teshuva?, you will ask.The answer is: When a person is in the same situation of before, with the same Nisayon, with the same desire to sin, and do not sin because he wants to be a Baal Teshuva, because he has fear of heaven (Yirat Shamayim), then it is called a Baal Teshuva Gmur (Complete Baal Teshuva). The Rambam says that if the person was in the exact situation, and he didn't sin., now is called a Real Baal Teshuva.
And remember that a Replica of an earthquake is worst than the earthquake itself.
So the yetzer will test you in the exact situation of before,  And he´ll try to make you sin, since it is what defines whether you are Baal Teshuva or not.
You have the power not to sin.

Hatzlacha Raba,
Shabbat Shalom


Day 3

The Rambam Says in Halachot Teshuvah:
There are 5 things that are almost impossible to stop doing, therefore the person should get away as much as possible from them, so as not to get stuck.
One of them is: "Hamistakel BaArayot" (The one who watches women). Since, when the person does this, it becomes a habit.
So we Must stop now, before we can't go back.
Therefore, Chazal says: "Kol Hatchalot Kashot" (All the beginnings are difficult), I mean that at first it gets very difficult, but afterwards it is quite simple.

But I heard an explanation from a friend quite the opposite: The beginning is always simple. Its not hard to start not seeing women, to put tefillin, to pray, etc. The difficult it is to follow that beginning. Starting is very easy. The Yetzer will let you start, and then he will constantly bother you. After that, what is difficult is to keep what you have planned, and try not to do it again.

If you pitifully fall, nothing happens, just ask Hashem for forgiveness and reinforce yourself with More Yirat Shamayim and Mussar.
Therefore, do not look at everything now as: Now I cannot see women, I cannot do anything anymore, the Torah forbids everything ... No! Look at it as a new way of life:
Hashem does not want me to do this, He is the one who sends me health, life, money, family, etc.
Every second, I must fulfill what he asks us.

It is compared to a king who gives an order to one of his closest slaves.
Whether it could be something very necessary or not, if he does not comply, the king will send him to the gallows at once.
Lehavdil, The same Hashem.
Really, what is it for me to take care of my sight, to put on Tefillin, to eat Kasher, etc? 
He ordered it,  And we, his closest and dearest slaves, must fulfill their Will.

Shavua Tov.


Day 4

Hashem knows that we are humans, that we make mistakes. The fact that we sinned or we listened to the Yetzer Hara, does not mean that now Hashem does not love you anymore, or hates you. Thats the difference between a Tzadik and a Rasha. The Rasha  becomes depressed and stops praying, thinks it is the worst and that it will never be like before. But, the Tzadik takes advantage of that situation,and use it to get higher.
You can think that Hashem hates you and does not want your tefilot and your Torah, or you can see it like this:
Unfortunately, my Yetzer won; He wants me to get depressed now and stop doing mitzvot, since that is the second step. I must be more intelligent than him and I will reinforce myself with Mussar, Chizuk, and I will take care of being prepared for the next battle.

Normally, when we feel guilty about something, our reaction is to feel bad, like to "Fix" the act. Since, if someone did something bad and feel good about it, it would be weird.

Okay. But, what do I do After feeling guilty?

The Torah says that feeling bad after a feeling of guilt is the person's main enemy. Obviously, there is a good guilt, since, if you were not conscious of what you do, you would never change.
The most important thing is that you do after: Collapse, or use it as a "trampoline" to climb higher.

I also remember, when I was also struggling, at the beginning, when I fell I collapsed completely.
I imagined that Hashem thought about me, that it was the worst, how I can pray in front of Hashem as I am. But, BH, after Shiurim and Mussar, I used that situation to go higher.

I remember as I asked Hashem in the Amidah: "Hashem, today I sinned again, but help me so that after this I do not collapse and I can climb higher". Of course it was not very easy, but only that way I was able to leave and BH came out of the addiction.

But, returning to you, what the Torah wants from you is that you behave at least as you did before sin, and so you repair it. If you think: "I no longer deserve to study Torah, I do not deserve to pray to Hashem", if you "punish" yourself, you will never succeed.
Also I personally asked the Gaon Rabbi Yoseph Peretz Shlita: What do I have to do to repair what I did, since I heard that I had to fast and decrease in pleasures, etc.
Do you know what he told me? "Nowadays, only increase in Torah study and thats all. "If you studied half an hour, study one hour".
We have it easy now. Before, you had to fast, now only study Torah.
That is the power of the Torah.

 We know that everything comes from Hashem. The person can say: "Hashem, Why you sent me this?" But the  person does not see that Hashem only sends good things. If Hashem had not sent you that, you would never have discovered "Tools" that until now were hidden inside you. Use that Tools to increase your efforts battling the Yetzer. Use it as a Trampoline to go Higher, and not to go deeper.
And remember: Hashem loves you. Maybe you sinned, maybe you didn't do what Hashem wants, but that doesnt mean that Hashem stopped loving you.

So, I hope that Beezrat Hashem this will help you. And do not forget: King Solomon wrote in Mishle: "The Tzaddik falls 7 times, and Gets Up". Take this opportunity that Hashem gave you to rise in your Spiritual Level!!


Day 5

My friend, you should know that when the person decides to do something good, for example, beginning to be Shommer Shabbat, put on Teffilin, or in your case, beginning to take care not to see women, etc. The Yetzer goes crazy.
He knows that one of his soldiers from his army is leaving. He will try to bombard you by telling you: Look, you have bad thoughts. You are useless, all your Torah and your Mitzvot are useless. but in truth, you are winning, and he does everything possible to depress you.

One of the things that helps is to study Mussar. That helps the person to become stronger.

Another thing is to be surrounded by Tzaddikim, Kosher people. The person is influenced by their surroundings. If you are surrounded by bad people who put bad ideas in your head, it is like putting alcohol in front of an alcoholic, expecting to him to not drink it.

The most productive thing is to pray to Hashem to clean your mind, that do not bring you bad thoughts. We are not angels, we cannot be perfect, we cannot control our thoughts. But, we are obligated to make our best.

If Hashem sees that we want to do the best we can, we will have extra help. We must be very careful with thoughts, especially with those of this type, as the Gemara says: Hirure Avera Kashin meAvera (The thoughts of "that Sin" are worse than Sin himself).

also on the subject of dreams, if you dream bad things, it can be: Since you are rising in spirituality, and the Yetzer envies you and tries to make you fall in wherever, or: Because as you see women all day, you even dream in they.
And in the bathroom, on the contrary! the Yetzer tries to make you think Torah, which is forbidden! The Yetzer in the bathroom is a Big Rabbi.

So, in summary, the best thing you can do is study Mussar, especially on this subject of Shemirat Enaim. Personally I recommend Shaar Hateshuva of Orchot Tzaddikim, both in Hebrew and English.. also study it with Chavruta or aloud, so that it reaches your heart.

But above all, make Tefilah to Hashem. Ask him to take away the bad thoughts, to purify your mind. If you can, cry. But show him you want to change. Believe me, it will not be an easy fight, but great efforts lead to great things. And remember: The Mishna in Avot says: "Lefum Tzaara Hagra" (According to the effort, the reward is greater). So, go and prove to Hashem and the Yetzer: I have changed; I am not the same as before, Im more Kadosh.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 May 2019 03:15:

i personally relate very much to your advice, hhm.
however, i think cordnoy was talking from an addict-recovery perspective (which i believe is the case by both cords and rem) and specifically regarding recovery humility plays a big part in the process and that seems to be the dominating factor. i know zilch about addicts except that they are WAY different then the non ones. i think this was cords message though. he didnt adress whether even so, there might be individuals who will do better your way, despite the humility factor. 
what do you think?

Before I share what works for me, I want to thank this wonderful organization from the bottom of my heart for the amazing things it has accomplished.  Without the GYE community, I would be lost as I try to navigate this increasingly insane world. 

A little background on my struggle.  Since I was a teenager, I always struggled with M"ZL.  B'H, since I was away in yeshiva during my high school and bais medrash years, my access to the internet was always limited.  As such, viewing inappropriate websites was not something I really struggled with.  After I got married, I spent a few years in Kollel.  During this time, we did not have internet in our home.  However, I always struggle with M"ZL.  I realized, that getting married, sadly does not cure us from these nisyonos. When I left Kollel to go to work, that's when things started to get very challenging.  As my job necessitate the use of a computer, I now had to fight the urge to refrain from viewing inappropriate materials.  It's amazing how very few websites are completely clean.  Many "innocent" websites have advertisement or links to other sites that can lead to a dangerous path. 

At first, the spiral started by viewing images that were not clean, although technically not porn.  Not surprisingly, eventually this led to viewing more explicit materials.  The feeling of hopelessness and despair that I felt was horrible.  I was losing control.  How can I look at my wonderful wife and kids after the things I've seen?  

Around two years ago, by some miracle I discovered GYE.  The feeling of relief was palpable.  I finally discovered a whole community of people with the same struggle.  GYE provided a map, guidelines, and perspectives on how to approach this nisayon.  The GYE handbook is a remarkable compilation of advice and how to have the proper attitude when approaching these nisyonos.  Joining the 90-days challenge helped too.  I was successful in making great progress in shmiras einayim and cutting down on the amount of times I was M"ZL.  I would have nice stretches of 30-40 clean days.  However, I would eventually fall.  Then comes the feeling of guilt and nothingness.  But I kept on trying and davening to Hashem to pull me out of this black hole.         

B"H, I'm now holding at 140 days clean.  I recognize that there are different levels of addictions and lust related behavior.  Everyone has their challenge.  No 2 challenges are alike. But I wanted to share with the rest of the GYE community what has worked for me to help me reach this milestone.  Some may seem obvious, but it took me a long time to internalize them.

1. For me, the key to this battle is avoiding triggering situations and putting up the necessary fences to help protect me from falling.  Below are some examples that are applicable to myself:
   
   • I do not own a smartphone.  Yes, this has caused some inconvenience and believe me, I do get asked some uncomfortable questions on why I'm "not with the times".  But I don't care what people think.  For me, having a smartphone will just be too dangerous.  I cannot risk it.  Perhaps down the road, it will be unavoidable, and I will need it for work, etc.  But for now, no thank you.
   • I stay off social media.
   • At work, there are multiple ways to get to my desk.  Some routes have women who don't always dress appropriately.  I try to avoid those routes. 
   • Up until last year, I used an older free filter on my personal computer.  Besides it having an adverse effect on the functionalities of my computer, It was not a very strong filter and had many loopholes.  After one of my bad falls, I finally upgraded to a much stronger filter.  It is one of the best $140 I've ever spent.  
2. Do not even start "acting out", thinking that I'll be able to stop before I fall.  It's a ploy by the yezter hara.  Even if I resist now, it will fester and grow stronger, until eventually I cannot hold back anymore.
3. Besides working on not giving in and being careful what I look at, I realized that it is just as important to work on my "kedusha" and growing as a yid.  One small area where I made changes was listening to shiurim during my commute, instead of the radio.  One series of shiurim that were a lifesaver is "The Fight" by Rabbi Shafier.  These shiurim discusses how to overcome the nisyonos we are faced with.  It can be downloaded for free at the following link  https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/
4. Utilizing the resources on GYE:
   
   • Reading the daily chizuk emails
   • Posting on the forum and reading/responding to other people's post    
   • Reading and Reviewing the GYE handbook.  This is an incredible handbook!
5. Of course to always and keep davening to Hashem to help us overcome this nisayon.

As an aside, one of the great chiddushim GYE came up with was the concept of "hitting rock bottom while on top".  The earlier one hears the "wake up call" the easier it will be to climb out of this dark hole.  I find that after having a bad fall, there will be a short period of guilt, shame, and humiliation.  This feeling can go two ways.  Either it can be used to beat us up and give up hope or it can used as a burst of inspiration to change.  It is important to not let this moment slip by without making real changes to one's behavior.  

One more point/suggestion I want to make.  Chazal tells us that when one davens for his friend, he will be answered first.  There have sprung up organizations that were created around this concept.  Such as matching up older singles to daven that each one should find his/her zivug or childless couples davening for one other to have children.  Many times, when reading a first timer's post that describe their pain that this addiction had caused, I cry.  I may not know that person, but I feel his pain.  I recently started davening to Hashem to help all the members of the GYE community to overcome their challenge.  Perhaps this is something we as a whole can adopt.  

I know that I still have a long road ahead of me and can never let my guard down.  The yetzer hara is constantly working and coming up with new methods to get me to fall.  I still have moments when I feel my resolve weakening and have come close to falling.  But with Hashem help, I, along with the rest of the GYE community, will persevere and win this battle.

Ihavestrength wrote on 14 May 2019 11:34:

whoops!!! 
sorry!! your totally right- i misunderstood! i guess people in a bad mood should think before they post a disgruntled response! sorry!
in regards to your second point, i think i understand you but i feel that its a big madreigah not to feel in pain and deprived, especially for a non-addict like me. (aright, bring it on boys!) so right now what i need is 1. chizzuk 2. good advice how to achieve a positive state of mind (that works for me) 3. validation
feels ichy to spell this stuff out, not ur fault,
but i want to be clear as well, i guess.

Realestatemogul wrote on 14 May 2019 04:13:

Coming in to the program I was just not able to stay sober no matter how hard I fought and amount of phone calls I made and meetings attended.
I would just like to share some small parts of my  journey to 90 days and some of the challenges and how with the help of fellowship I realized that god can do the miracle Of keeping sober today if I just let him,

My biggest challenge was at first that my sick head was telling me and I was convinced that I’m unique with my ways of acting out and struggles and I have it harder then anyone else so I can’t recover, going to meetings and listening to hundreds of check ins and shares from sober old timers and the main thing working on shame and sharing honestly about my crazy insane actions and fantasy's got me a lot of feed back and  forced me to realize that No one is unique in this program and I can’t judge my inside with someone else’s outside and god can do it for me if he did it for others, so I continued putting in the work and working my steps but I was powerless over staying sober and lust always found his way in, 

At one point I called a member crying to him that I am in the city and want to stay sober but I don’t even know why I’m calling him because I Have no chance lust is hitting me from everywhere. that old timer explained me that I’m in a much better place then most addicts because I realize that I can’t make it, and Promised me that if I’m gonna accept that This is a disease, and I go on a lust diet with boundaries on my “first look” action or fantasy , god will keep me sober and it was really hitting me that I can not go to the city or isolate at night in my car if I don’t wanna die, I’m a sick person and meetings is not gonna help me if I’m still eating the Poison at that point I wrote down my boundaries not to go in the city by myself, not to be isolated even for a few min and plan every hour for the next what I will do to stay sober, and for the first time in my life with a lot of prayers  God gave me 30 days of sobriety, up until I got a little confident that I got it and I can make it and this is when I had this terrible relapse which now I can see was the best thing that could ever happen to my recovery.. gotta go to be continued