Day 74. I thought I would post a brief update.
My home situation hasn't improved. I actually spoke to my wife today who said as far as she is concerned she doesn't see this separation being short term at all. She is happy to be separated from the pain of my addiction.
Lust wise it has been going quite a bit better recently. Every now and then the idea of going back to lusting comes back into my mind, but it hasn't recently been as forceful as it has been historically and I haven't been giving it space in my mind to fester. I remind myself that it is a route only to pain and that it is totally incompatible with my marriage so if I do want my marriage to last then lust can't be on the table at all.
Progressing up the 90 day board has also been quite a motivator and I really do believe that getting to 90 should be possible. I am trying to remain vigilant though as I know intense lust cravings can come from nowhere and seem extremely reasonable when they do. Lust is a great liar!

I was actually listening to a class today which discussed the following idea.

The sin is the door prize, the depression/shame/bad feeling is the prize itself for the YH.

If you feel down degected and depressed, you are more likely to continue to "binge" the YH knows that so he says, let me get you on one sin, and the rest will be in the bag.

It's interesting you separated the two ideas

1. Your bad feelings about yourself
2. Your now distanced from hashem.

Regarding bad feelings, there is a time to feel bad, but mostly krias shma at nigh, tachanun, roah chodesh and elul/rh/yk but don't let it consume you.

Regarding the fact that you don't feel a problem with the averah, rather just because it distances you from hashem, that is the whole problem with a averah.

As the Chazal say. Don't say I can't, rather say I can (and I would) but what can i do that my father in heaven doesn't let me.

All what I said is very different than what people call rock bottom. Rock bottom is something addicts (and non ones too) describe as a moment of clarity when theybrealize how distractive there behavior has been and they are willing to do anything to change (including opening up to real people)

Chazal say reshaim melaim charata - bad feelings don't necessarily equate to change.  In order to change, you have to feel ready to do anything.

Put in other words - regret doesn't usually lead to change, but real change can lead to the proper regret.

Sorry for my ramblings, I haven't crystalized my thoughts, I hope you find some of it useful.

DiamondWithAFlaw wrote on 18 Nov 2019 16:01:

Godspeed to you, Una and all,
Dov never said that, nor does he think that.
I had a fall as well.
There is a strong y"h, and there is a strong pull towards these things. To some it's a bad habit, to others it's an escape mechanism (also can be habitual), and to others, it may very well be a full scale addiction. Some people need simple distraction tools. Others need a heavy dose of mussar. Some need meetings, books and steps. Others use mindfulness. There is a fear tactic that can also help. Prayer works. Smart recovery is gainin' traction. I have found that the number one most integral step which is needed for almost all people is to open up to someone else in a real manner. 

Godspeed to all!

Dear Una, 
I just want to say that I'm so so sorry. I cannot fathom how you must feel. I have the utmost respect for you. 
I primarily spend my time in the BB section because my marriage is what brought me to GYE. I recently came across your thread there and loved everything you wrote. That brought me to your thread here and the day after I finished this thread I saw your last post. My jaw dropped. I said to myself - holy.... this YH is such a BEAST! (of course I knew that already having been fighting the fight for so many years, but your post brought it to a new level for me) 
My first 100+ days have been fairly easy and my marriage is so much better than it ever was, but now I'm shaking. 
I recently read a post from Dov where I THINK he said that the 12 steps is the ONLY way to fight addiction. I know people say (and probably will say in response to this) that there are other ways, but maybe they're wrong? 
If I recall correctly, I don't think you were into the 12 steps too much. Just wondering what your thoughts are today. 
I really hope you're doing OK and my heart and prayers go out to you. You have been an inspiration. 

While guilt can sometimes be good for us, often it ends up being bad for us. Sometimes it gets us to give up. Sometimes we end up stuck in the same behavior and don't get out because we identify as a person who "does those things." And there are many other ways guilt can keep us stuck.

I found a great section on this subject from The Battle of the Generation (https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation). It really resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with everyone. Here is a quote from the book (pages 347-348):

When you sin, the yetzer hara might cause some of the following thoughts:

            “I am a failure. The sin I just did makes me worthless. I am off the derech, exactly like those who have rejected everything. I am just as bad. I am a sinner.

            “I should have controlled myself. I could have done better. If I had just pushed myself harder, I would have won the battle. It would have been so simple for me to control myself had I tried harder, but I blew it again! I should have much more control over myself.

            “I am so ashamed. I’m embarrassed to even go near anybody. Anyone who would know what I did would look down on me. Nobody would empathize with me about my struggles, not that there is much to empathize with anyway. Everybody does much better than me. I am probably the only person who does these things. No one else sins in this area, and I give in left and right. I am messed up.

            “All the good I ever did is meaningless because I did this huge sin. I am horrible. How hard I fought and my effort to change myself is irrelevant; my sin is all that matters.

“Even though I labored and managed to control myself for the past two days, two weeks, or two months, that is worthless. I am the same out of control person I always was. All my effort was a waste; I’m just as horrible as I was before.

“Besides, any good I did doesn’t count because I was obligated to do it anyway. All that matters is falling short — which I just did when I violated my obligations.

            “I bet Hashem is furious with me. He hates me and has rejected me. It is hopeless! He will always look down on me. Even if I do teshuva, Hashem won’t accept it. It’s impossible to undo something this severe. I did it; how can I get rid of it?

            “Further, what happened is all my fault. I brought everything upon myself when I befriended those people and experimented with these sins. Had I controlled myself then, things would be so easy. If I didn’t watch those movies and hang out with those friends, I would still be pure. I activated my desires.

            “And now that I have awakened my temptations, it is too late. I can’t stop myself. I am incapable, as I just proved. I do these things. I am an addict and I will never regain control, no matter what I do. I can’t even improve the situation. I’m doomed.”

            These thoughts intensify the more severe the sin is. They are especially tough when it is something you haven’t done before. You feel so guilty, worthless, and helpless that it keeps you stuck in the muck. The first step is to realize that these thoughts come from the yetzer hara. They destroy your drive to serve Hashem and stop you from improving. That automatically shows it’s one of his tricks, no matter how convincing these arguments seem. Then, we can think about the situation rationally and figure out how these thoughts are incorrect.


Do any of these resonate with you? Are you able to see such thoughts making it harder for you to break free?

(See the book for more on how to deflect these thoughts, starting on page 348. Or start from the beginning of the chapter on page 341. Download the book here: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.)

ribnitzer wrote on 11 Nov 2019 19:20:

I love what you say about gateway sites. Sadly, even non gateway sites seem to put links at the bottom of each page, with links to gateway articles at other sites.

They must know my browsing history

David26fr wrote on 12 Nov 2019 08:39:

Obviously everyone has their own experience, but my experience has been there same. When I obsess about something ( reading lots of news, following sports obsessively...) I start to feel empty in the inside, and the next time I get triggered, I stand less of a chance to win. 

In other words, when something i enjoy becomes obsessive, it becomes less enjoyable, just like porn which starts enjoyable, but eventually becomes a burden.

What about becoming addicted to Torah study, or keeping your house clean and tidy?

It's a good idea, but be careful about replacing one addiction by another one, even if the new addiction not problematic...
Because nothing is resolved in final, and there is an high risk to return to your old addiction when the new will not be sufficient for your needs...

Just my two cents

Good man!

[foxhole]

The minute that I was near a computer and got either bored or stressed, my initial gut reaction would be to "escape" into a porn site.

Eventually, when I setup filters, I still had this need/tendency to escape during stressful/boring moments while online.

I replaced searching for porn related Items, with searching for something else that I enjoyed/was interested in.

Eventually, I began an addiction with looking at Israel news. To this day, whenever I have a stressful moment, i begin switching through different israel news websites-obsessively..
Find something you enjoy reading about thats kosher, and flip to that obsessively instead of porn.

The next tip i would give is, eliminate all "legitimate" sites that have lusty articles. For a while I would visit "foxnews.com" as a legitimate reputable news outlet. However, very often they have articles, that are "gateway drugs to pornography" like articles  about teachers that had relations with students, or famous actors that become "porn stars" These entertainment news articles are basically equivalent to pornography because they pique your curiosity.. 

Even though to most people foxnews seems kosher enough, I have eliminated it from list of sites that I visit,because I know where it could lead.

greenland55 wrote on 11 Nov 2019 16:33:

Well I have to say you don’t sound like an addict :-(

And I definitely have to say, you’re doing great :-)

KUTGW

Well I have to say that this not bringing your computer home if you can thing is really working out well. Basically pornography isn't really a viable option and I can go and work on some things that I have been neglecting more. As an added bonus, I don't really putz around on the computer anymore. I still putz around but at least it can be in a semi productive capacity like cleaning my room or reading etc. And I don't stay home as much. But I can't grow overconfident and I am still an addict, even if a clean and recovering one.

I highly recommend not brining your computer home to anybody for whom it is an option.

Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Nov 2019 14:27:

You remind me of what my sponsor used to tell me, almost every day: the addiction causes us to forget many things.

I was listening to Eli Nash last night. (For those who don't know he's a successful business man who has come out and talks openly, and wants to make people aware there is hope to kicking porn/sex addiction)

He said a great line. He still goes to meetings three times a week even though he's sober 2 and a half years because.

Im not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget"

I need to stamp those words on my forehead