Iampowerless wrote on 01 Dec 2019 17:55:

Why do people think they've tried everything? Make a list of everything and see if you're missing something. (I'm speaking rhetorically)
on a more serious note if one seriously wishes to change its possible but not easy . 

Dovid824 wrote on 12 Nov 2019 22:59:


I would rather develop a spending addiction of sfarim and Torah study, (I love collecting and learning brand new sfarim - esp. with that new page smell) and eliminate my expensive porn addiction any day.

H

Yo, I totally here where you are coming from - I'm 22 years old, and not long ago was riding on a year long streak from masturbation, but I've fallen since and have had trouble regaining momentum.

Not sure what would be helpful for you specifically, but I find that whenever I'm thinking "why not...." , I ask myself if I could say the same thing for addictions that I have no shaychus to (B"H), such as drugs or smoking. For me, the answer is obviously NO - it would never enter my mind to say "why not..." to take drugs or smoke. I find it's a good way of reminding myself how ridiculous it is to say "why not...." for masturbation.

Again, I'm in the same situation as you, so would love and appreciate to hear any ideas you've had that have helped with your battle. Stay strong!

Hi everyone b'h I reached 2 weeks of sobriety by rejoining SA. Anyways i am continuing to work on my 1st step the more i work on this step the more i realize the craziness of this addiction..... and the more i realize I've tried everything to stop including GYE and all kinds of Tapschic/filters and every program had an expiration date eventually i fell..........i'm trully powerless over this deadly sickness i must continue attending SA and working the program.

Here is the list I've written so far for myself of episodes of acting out/analzing powerlessness in those episodes. I hope it belps others to truly understand the nature of this disease 

• Shaking and shocked at the extreme of pornography 1st time i watched it in grandparents house......
• Looking encylopedias and any sort of book that would talk about the word sex for hours on end in extremely compulsive ways
• Listening to a radio show nonstop on sex for 2 hours at night for around 2 years with extreme compulsively and missed many chavrusas and commitments due to my need to listen to that show.
• Breaking 3 or 4 radios in the process. Tried to destroy the antennas of 2 cd players in my house countless times without success to try to stop myself from listening.........
• Grandparents house for hours on end including extremely late at night where i could have easily been caught X5-8
• Magazines/always looking for books then throwing it out and then going to the garbage to repick it to read it
• Going through halacha books as well as any book/ going through mail looking for material to lust
• Going through my mothers bras/drawers as well as while a guest in other people's house going through there drawers looking for lingerie.
• Going through the drawers/bedroom in my aunt's house while babysitting looking for pictures/see if i can find anything sexual.
• Missing a family trip to yellowstone and staying home for that full week in order to watch pornography i walked 30 minute plus to staples to buy a wifi stick to watch as my parents had removed wifi capacity from my home computer
• Airplane. Watching extremely sexual scenes even though the passengers next to me must have been shocked that an orthodox Jew is busy watching that and there were other frum jews on my flight X 5
• Acting out after a full night of learning shavuos night even though I was extremely exhaused.
• causing a flood while taking a shower in a strangers house when i got to israel due to dizziness from acting out in plan and i totally didn't even realize..........
• Mir dirah stealing friends phone in israel and then walking around 25 minutes every day sometimes twice a day to wifi x80-120 times.
• going to Israelis dirah and fighting with them to let me watch and use their movie player all the time even though they were uncomftorble about it. X30-60 times
• Mechalel Yom Kippur in israel due to me going crazy from nonstop acting out on yom kippur.
• Erev yom kippur in Lakewood in hospital due to cutting finger due to compulsive acting out beforehand and feeling dizzy
• Reading and looking at sex positions book in library while other people were around and trying to hide it when people walked near by x20
• Boss commenting to me "you seemed very busy on sunday" which was a day i watched pornography for hours on end at work to this day I worry that he "chapped"
• Watching nonstop during work including some times when my office mate was in the room. And coming back late at night to my office to watch porn until extremely late at night
• Using the small office by work to watch and one time i masturbated just as someone came into the room to ask me a question. To this day i worry that he "chopped" what i was up to.
• Nonstop acting out while dating as well as after dates and during the date the only thing that mattered and i was obsessed about was their looks.
• By dating mentioning to some girls that it's normal for man to have such strong needs and it's ok, trying to see how they would react.........
• Telling shadchanim i need the girl to dress like this or like that to help me out on the next date. Trying to force/manipulate what girls need to wear to dates......
• Watching news/videos just to see the women.
• Always picking the chair/seat in events facing the women so i can lust after them...........
• Always focusing on looks and tops of girls I'm with including family members and being jeolous of people/friends with pretty wifes
• Doubting and constantly testing myself sexually if I can get hard. Etc.
• Reading self help websites as well as sexual shalom bayis help chats and opening accounts to lady only jewish chats and getting caught by them
• Caught in library and kicked out by the security guard In front of everyone it was so embarrassing i promised myself that I'm done......yet 2 weeks later i was back in the library looked around and when i noticed that day there was a different security guard when straight to lustful actions
• Masturbating to everything stupid i could get my hands on including looking through Google maps for pictures to masturbate to........
• Putting juice/mayonaisse to help me masturbate.
• Joining random Whatsapp sexual chat groups sending pics and videos of my penis and requesting nonstop videos. Then deleting whatsapp as though that would help my addiction........
• Putting a filter on my work computer that sends emails to mommy and mommy getting emails that I'm watching porn........ even though i was so embarrassed and started seeing a therapist right after to help me with the addiction i still couldn't stop myself and very soon thereafter i was back to pornography.
• Trying to convince parents to get a filter because of feeling helpless.
• Nightly fight/ getting new filters and then right away searching and finding loopholes always in Tag the people there know me well
• Non stop tapschic/starting again with different shnidts through gye and while i had some nice days of sobriety eventually i kept falling.
• Masturbating while driving x5. What a retarded sickness........
• Going through the streets of LA trying to find a billboard i saw earlier.
• Going to the library for hours upon hours until extremely late at night and at times including when i was extremely exhaused such as after a date waiting and going crazy to get reception x30
• Giving chizuk to a fellow GYE member while at the same time trying to rush the call to watch porn
• Calling chat lines using and stealing brothers and parents credit card for the free trial
• Stealing grandmothers phone taking it into the bathroom to charge it so i could watch pornography x4 She probably got a crazy charge on grandmothers phone due to roaming charges
• Coming to work and hurrying to finish my tasks to get my porn fix. X50
• Browsing through nudes while there were other people in my room/office
• Nonstop masturbation including when other people were in the room and bedroom x10
• Going crazy spending tonz of time trying to find a particular book in grandparents house 2 weeks ago.

B.H. doing good, taking one day at a time, not thinking about tomorrow and neither about yesterday. 
What helps me?
I try to call people min. once a day to discuss any stress and that is how the stress is reduced then. I also go to face to face meetings which is probably the most usefull thing there is, no one looks at you differently in those places just because you are addicted.
Last but not least this website which gives me lots of Chizuk
Thank you and good Shabbes

@sleepy you are 100% right that its a sickness and if i would be working my SA program or any other program that works such as Smart recovery properly and i would have a fall then i shouldn't feel guilty i did what i was able too..........

but what I've realized about my falls they 100% always happen when i think I'm smarter than my disease and i stop showing up to meetings i stop working my program, i stop making phone calls and being honest with myself, so when i have a fall it is my fault 100%. I had the available tools to not fall and i decided to not do them..........

so i do feel guilty and removed and therefore emotionally feel like I'm living a double life so while you are 100% correct in theory and according to the torah one thing has zero to do with the other. But this list was my personal consequences and since i feel this way whether right or wrong it's a consequence for me

 Love Yankel 

Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.



- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions

- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.

- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself

- Inability to cope with life on life terms.

- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"

- Dating/ not being able to connect properly

- Feeling fake/ leading a double life

- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.

- Not living in the present.

- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.

- What will my shabbos table look like if i come to it after acting out right beforehand......

- Fear of divorce in the future.

- Lack of connection to my religion

- Lots and lots of shame

- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids

- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times

- Getting fired from jobs if caught

- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy

- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.

- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.

- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life

- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.

- Caused me to lie/steal to protect myself or get my fix.

- Caused me to completly lose myself and masterbate/watch pornography in extremely compulsive and sickening ways.

- Will cause me to abuse my future wife expecting her to do all kinds of sickening things/ always expecting her to be extremely pretty and she must do all kinds of positions for me regardless of whether she feels ok about it.



Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.



 Lots of love Yankel the addict in recovery



Thank you (my brother).

 

@sleepy in theory you are 100% correct. Unfortunately our feelings/emotions which are what I as an addict lead and act out life based on them unfortunately don't always follow theory..........

Thanks a lot for your kind words, how is your recovery journey going? Getting where you feel you need to?

 Regards Yankel

Here is a list I wrote for myself of consequences of this addiction. And why i must work my SA program.

- Bipolar/roller coaster type of emotions
- Feeling extremely low very depressed and lots of anxiety.
- Get angry and upset easily due to my feeling bad and inadequate about myself
- Inability to cope with life on life terms.
- I was late for commitments or didn't show up at all because "i was busy"
- Dating/ not being able to connect properly
- Feeling fake/ leading a double life
- Not being able to relate to people properly as I'm always looking to escape.
- Not living in the present.
- Fear of getting caught from people who view me highly or by family members.
- What will my shabbos table look like if i come to it after acting out right beforehand......
- Fear of divorce in the future.
- Lack of connection to my religion
- Lots and lots of shame
- Fear of a terrible marriage/relationships with my kids
- Physically drained/dizzy from acting out so many times
- Getting fired from jobs if caught
- Lack of enjoyment in life/ from real intimacy
- Avoidance of tasks/goals/responsibilities.
- Got involved in car crash and cut myself due to the dizziness after falling.
- I lacked any spiritual/meaning in my life
- caused progression in my viewing habits and what i need to see to get my fix.
- Caused me to lie/steal to protect myself or get my fix.
- Caused me to completly lose myself and masterbate/watch pornography in extremely compulsive and sickening ways.
- Will cause me to abuse my future wife expecting her to do all kinds of sickening things/ always expecting her to be extremely pretty and she must do all kinds of positions for me regardless of whether she feels ok about it.

Guys as you can clearly see it's a crazy and deadly dizease enough with taking shortcuts and doing funny commitments/programs it's time to realize we must do everything possible to recover including getting off of GYE and actually doing a real live recovery program we can not continue to let this addiction wreak havoc in our lifes.

 Lots of love Yankel the addict in recovery

All 4 Hashem wrote on 28 Nov 2019 01:01:

Unfortunately you are in great company. I have been married for a while but still remember my dating days. Especially in a guys teens and twenties masturbation really is impulsive and not "planned out". Sometimes the desire is so strong and overwhelming it feels that you just have to give in and you do so. Even though its really difficult (i know) the less you can masturbate the better and Hashem/your Father knows how you struggle and every time you don't give in (even if you wind up giving in days of hours later) every moment is really a victory and even if you dont always feel it He is cheering you on and so are your brothers here.

How can I date with this challenge or porn/masturbation without being overwelmed? When i picked up on a girls extreme feeli gs for me, it made masturbation impulsive!

Great post once again. I cannot tell you whether you are a powerless addict or if you just have a really bad habit. That's something you should probably discuss with someone, not over the forum

Regarding if the forum is to start opening up to other SAFE people. Yes I believe it is a major benefit of the forum. Please see my thread in my signature and you will see my journey in that area.

The forum has other benefits too. Like good jokes

Anyway I suggest you listen to Dovs talks particularly his ones about honesty, although truth be told almost all of his are about honesty.

Shavua Tov, everyone.

I don't know how this post is going to go, however, I want to firstly introduce my anonymous self to this platform as I am fighting a vigorous battle with something that is completely ruining my life in this world and whatever my soul's life will be in the next.

I am a middle aged gentleman that converted to Orthodox Judaism in my mid-twenties.  My conversion was, is, and always will be the pinnacle moment of my life here on Earth.  If I had an infinite number of chances to go through that emotional roller coaster again, I would do it in a split milli-second.

With that being laid out, I have had the addiction (of masturbating/ejaculating) since I my late teens.  Through time, the addiction grew to the point that it's very intense.  It has caused my brain to think thoughts and do things that I never would've dreamed thinking about other people over time.  I've always been attracted (and married) to women, but I feel because of this, what I call, my "mega demon", it has expanded into men. 

This "demon" has literally ruined my self esteem and positive thinking that I once had, college studies, my chances of having a decent job (although I do love the job I have now), my marriage post conversion, my relationship with a few members of my anonymous (religious) community, and it has cost me a lot of money that I could've given to tzedakkah/charity or saved to buy a house or a new car.

I honestly do not know how I could've let myself sink this low especially the brit being the main focus of my spiritual father Avraham Avinu.  My Jewish soul truly wishes to do HaShem's Will despite that I am addicted to doing the opposite.

The most depressing part is, when I do sink rock bottom, I try not to think about the severe punishments for erections/zera levatalah and only how I could do teshuvah, because it makes me even more depressed to the point that I develop a sense of dropping down even lower than bottom.  (I feel the more I do teshuvah, the lower I sink.)

On a positive note, I've picked up myself again as of today, so here I am going to give teshuvah another try for the millionth time.  I try to never see myself as a victim, but as a fighter, which is why I am glad I discovered this site to be amongst fellow warriors.

Thank you for being here.

H

sleepy wrote on 21 Nov 2019 19:01:

You can have him email me: thenewme613@hotmail.com

sleepy wrote on 21 Nov 2019 18:11:

Gehinom is cleansing for the neshama.
lichuurah one would be soiled regardless of whether he's ""sick"" or not.