Shavua Tov, everyone.
I don't know how this post is going to go, however, I want to firstly introduce my anonymous self to this platform as I am fighting a vigorous battle with something that is completely ruining my life in this world and whatever my soul's life will be in the next.
I am a middle aged gentleman that converted to Orthodox Judaism in my mid-twenties. My conversion was, is, and always will be the pinnacle moment of my life here on Earth. If I had an infinite number of chances to go through that emotional roller coaster again, I would do it in a split milli-second.
With that being laid out, I have had the addiction (of masturbating/ejaculating) since I my late teens. Through time, the addiction grew to the point that it's very intense. It has caused my brain to think thoughts and do things that I never would've dreamed thinking about other people over time. I've always been attracted (and married) to women, but I feel because of this, what I call, my "mega demon", it has expanded into men.
This "demon" has literally ruined my self esteem and positive thinking that I once had, college studies, my chances of having a decent job (although I do love the job I have now), my marriage post conversion, my relationship with a few members of my anonymous (religious) community, and it has cost me a lot of money that I could've given to tzedakkah/charity or saved to buy a house or a new car.
I honestly do not know how I could've let myself sink this low especially the brit being the main focus of my spiritual father Avraham Avinu. My Jewish soul truly wishes to do HaShem's Will despite that I am addicted to doing the opposite.
The most depressing part is, when I do sink rock bottom, I try not to think about the severe punishments for erections/zera levatalah and only how I could do teshuvah, because it makes me even more depressed to the point that I develop a sense of dropping down even lower than bottom. (I feel the more I do teshuvah, the lower I sink.)
On a positive note, I've picked up myself again as of today, so here I am going to give teshuvah another try for the millionth time. I try to never see myself as a victim, but as a fighter, which is why I am glad I discovered this site to be amongst fellow warriors.
Thank you for being here.
H
