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Hello & Thank you.
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TOPIC: Hello & Thank you. 235 Views

Hello & Thank you. 24 Nov 2019 06:34 #345333

  • Hazaq
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Shavua Tov, everyone.

I don't know how this post is going to go, however, I want to firstly introduce my anonymous self to this platform as I am fighting a vigorous battle with something that is completely ruining my life in this world and whatever my soul's life will be in the next.

I am a middle aged gentleman that converted to Orthodox Judaism in my mid-twenties.  My conversion was, is, and always will be the pinnacle moment of my life here on Earth.  If I had an infinite number of chances to go through that emotional roller coaster again, I would do it in a split milli-second.

With that being laid out, I have had the addiction (of masturbating/ejaculating) since I my late teens.  Through time, the addiction grew to the point that it's very intense.  It has caused my brain to think thoughts and do things that I never would've dreamed thinking about other people over time.  I've always been attracted (and married) to women, but I feel because of this, what I call, my "mega demon", it has expanded into men. 

This "demon" has literally ruined my self esteem and positive thinking that I once had, college studies, my chances of having a decent job (although I do love the job I have now), my marriage post conversion, my relationship with a few members of my anonymous (religious) community, and it has cost me a lot of money that I could've given to tzedakkah/charity or saved to buy a house or a new car.

I honestly do not know how I could've let myself sink this low especially the brit being the main focus of my spiritual father Avraham Avinu.  My Jewish soul truly wishes to do HaShem's Will despite that I am addicted to doing the opposite.

The most depressing part is, when I do sink rock bottom, I try not to think about the severe punishments for erections/zera levatalah and only how I could do teshuvah, because it makes me even more depressed to the point that I develop a sense of dropping down even lower than bottom.  (I feel the more I do teshuvah, the lower I sink.)

On a positive note, I've picked up myself again as of today, so here I am going to give teshuvah another try for the millionth time.  I try to never see myself as a victim, but as a fighter, which is why I am glad I discovered this site to be amongst fellow warriors.

Thank you for being here.

H

Re: Hello & Thank you. 24 Nov 2019 19:24 #345345

  • Captain
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In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Best way to break free: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Try it and see!

Re: Hello & Thank you. 25 Nov 2019 14:31 #345376

  • Dave M
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Welcome.  You have come to the right place.  While true teshuva is the ultimate goal, right now don't focus on that.  Just work on staying clean.  Don't worry, teshuva will come later. You are starting a new chapter in the journey of life.  From reading your post, you have had many ups and downs.  This will continue, but you are trending in the right direction.  Keep us posted. 

Re: Hello & Thank you. 25 Nov 2019 22:20 #345391

  • ColinColin
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Welcome.

You have come to the right place.

I bet right now your head is spinning, but read the guidebook that Captain posted.

My advice is take things one day at a time.

Above all.

And work out why you have these urges...is is sheer lust, or depression, boredom, loneliness.
Are you very emotionally fraught and using the highs of masturbation as an emotional junk food?

Once you knwo what the main cause is, and the main trigger, you can get to work.

Visit here every day, there are people on here who will understand you.
Last Edit: 25 Nov 2019 22:20 by ColinColin.

Re: Hello & Thank you. 01 Dec 2019 04:13 #345628

  • Hazaq
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Thank you, Captain.  It is a helpful read.  I appreciate it.

Re: Hello & Thank you. 01 Dec 2019 04:16 #345629

  • Hazaq
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Thank you, Dave, for the welcome.

Yes, right now, I am on the "One Day At A Time" level now because my longest streak of cleanliness has been two days at most.  I will definitely post more and keep you all posted.

Re: Hello & Thank you. 01 Dec 2019 04:35 #345630

  • Hazaq
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Thank you, Colin, for your support.  Absolutely, I agree "One Day At A Time" is a start.  If I set high expectations like I have in the past, e.g., "From Rosh Chodesh Elul to the next one, I will keep myself clean for an entire YEAR!" - I will be doomed for failure. 

My biggest vow was before I went to the mikva for conversion, I vowed to myself never to do it again after completion.  Not only did I feel like I let HaShem down, most of all, after my 1st fall post conversion, also myself and everything I had worked and for years to prepare diligently for.

Anyway, bottom line, ODAAT is the best plan for now and plan build from there. 

Thank you, Colin, and everyone, again for your support.

Re: Hello & Thank you. 01 Dec 2019 05:13 #345631

  • Mark18
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Hazaq wrote on 01 Dec 2019 04:35:
Thank you, Colin, for your support.  Absolutely, I agree "One Day At A Time" is a start.  If I set high expectations like I have in the past, e.g., "From Rosh Chodesh Elul to the next one, I will keep myself clean for an entire YEAR!" - I will be doomed for failure. 

My biggest vow was before I went to the mikva for conversion, I vowed to myself never to do it again after completion.  Not only did I feel like I let HaShem down, most of all, after my 1st fall post conversion, also myself and everything I had worked and for years to prepare diligently for.

Anyway, bottom line, ODAAT is the best plan for now and plan build from there. 

Thank you, Colin, and everyone, again for your support.

You are among many fellow brothers here all fighting the same battle. Please keep posting and reading the posts on the fourm and in the chat room as well as speaking anonymously on the phone. Im almost 4 weeks clean because of the outlet offered by posting and my two anonymous brothers who are my sponsors. If you send a private message to my I will give you my anonymous telephone number and we could speak if you wish. Stay strong you will get past these struggles.
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