Hello fellow sufferers. 

Im TomatoJew, for years Ive suffered with this awful addiction without knowing I had a serious problem. Much like many other i told myself that this is a teenage problem, it will pass as i get older and for sure this issue will not effect me by the time i am married. Now I am 19 years old, and my addiction is as strong as it has ever been. I am worried. I am worried because now i am aware that this is not an issue which goes with time, it is an issue which needs action. I have a serious girlfriend, and how can I even think about marriage when this addiction is also on my mind. It disgusts me, and i feel ashamed to still be suffering because of it. I decided I need to make a change. Whilst success seems a long long way away, this is at least a start in attempting to make a difference. So here goes.
05/04/2020

Yes!
I actually found that website before gye, and also really enjoyed the pages dedicated to the science behind porn addiction. It's a real eye opener, and the data leads to a new and brutal look on the havoc intimately tied to porn. Statistical studies about divorce rate etc. as well as the basic nueroscience among others.
High quality resource, and thanks for reminding me about it!

In addition to GYE, I use a variety of resources to help me in my struggle against porn addiction. One of these is a website called "Fight the New Drug." Recently, FTND made an absolutely incredible three-part documentary series called "Brain, Heart, World" focusing on the beauty of life contrasted with the destruction and horrors of pornography on one's self (Brain), one's relationships (Heart), and the world (hopefully you can figure that one out). I recently discovered this just a few days ago, and having finished watching it last night, it is without any exaggeration one of the most incredible and inspiring things I have ever seen. It is an absolutely incredible watch for everyone who is going through the fight against porn or anything related to it. I really don't have words to describe it. It is simply extremely informative, phenomenally well-made, full of hope, and truly inspiring. One can watch it at Brainheartworld.org by simple creating a free account. NOTE: The series contains a number of interviews/shots of women who are dressed in short sleeves, shorts, etc. (Nothing beyond casual goyish dress, but still.) I still found it to be highly beneficial, but everyone should be informed of this and make their own decision. Here’s the link: https://brainheartworld.org/
Hatzlacha to all.

gzlt wrote on 31 Mar 2020 22:51:

GYE has a lot of info on the smart recovery program...

guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery

SMART Recovery and Torah
guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346782-SMART-Recovery-and-Torah

Here are the basics:

SMART Recovery (Self Management And Recovery Training) helps individuals gain independence from addiction

The 4-Point Program offers specific tools and techniques for each of the program points:

Point 1: Building and Maintaining Motivation

Point 2: Coping with Urges

Point 3: Managing Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviors

Point 4: Living a Balanced Life

STEP 1: "Stages of Change"
Understanding the Stages of Change, can help you understand yourself much better, and also help clarify what you should be focusing on.
We can be in one of 5 stages:

1. Precontemplation - You're not interested in changing. Your goal is to start considering change.
2. Contemplation - You're considering the change, but have mixed feelings. Your goal is to make a decision.
3. Preparation - You're making a personal realistic and acceptable plan. Your goal is to make a commitment to implement the plan.
4. Action - You're taking action to implement the plan, improving the plan with trial and error, dealing with slips and falls. Your goal is to apply the plan for 6 months and gain confidence that you can really do it.
5. Maintenance - You're sustaining your new behavior and working to prevent relapse. Your goal is to improve your lifestyle in a way that supports the change for the long term.

The next step is to start a "plan of action" by replying to these questions:

• The changes I want to make are:
• The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are:
• The steps I plan to take in changing are:
• The ways other people can help me are: (include the names of some people and the possible ways each one can help)
• I will know if my plan is working if:
• Some things that could interfere with my plan
• How important is it to me to make these changes? (1-10 scale)
• How confident am I that I can make these changes? (1-10 scale)

Then we'll start creating a plan for Urge Management, environment control, rewards etc

gzlt wrote on 31 Mar 2020 03:35:

Hi
It seems that the "SMART Recovery" program might work better for you (VS the 12 steps).
"SMART Recovery" program does not label people as addicts and they have an exit strategy so you WILL NOT need to struggle for the rest of your life!

GYE is here to help you as a community of friends which have "been there, done that" ...

Please let me know if you need more information on the "SMART Recovery" program and I'll be happy to assist you.

Hi gzit,
Welcome!
It's not easy to reach out for help on any level, so kudos to you for posting. May it be the first of many.

I'm not a professional by any stretch of the imagination, but as a single, probably of around the same age, I hope this helps a bit. If not, that's also ok.

1) Yeah its rough. No doubt about it. As times goes on I find it easier to deal with the urges, which come less frequently. They are also less overwhelming, simply because I know it's normal, and have some tools in my back pocket. That being said, it's not easy. Period.Over time I've realized how much better my life has become because of my progress, and how much happier I am. But yes, it's no walk in the park.

2) From what I understand, different levels of addiction require different plans of action. I don't know the first thing about it, but there are kind, sincere, and deeply experienced people on this site who are extremely helpful. Keeping your eyes on your private messages is a good idea.

It's not easy but it sure is worth it, and it sounds like you know you can do it, and are willing to put in the work!
Falls happen, but as you said, we are in it for the long game.

Keep it up my friend, and much continued hatzlacha.
Please keep us updated on your progress!

Best

Hi, I'm a shidduch aged bochur addicted to porn. Recently I've looked into the 12 steps program, and have the following problems.
1. It seems that I'll have this struggle for the rest of my life and this is very disheartening.
2. I'm really embarrassed (and wary...) to reach out for advice and help, and also don't have money for therapists.
I would appreciate advice from others that went through a similar challenge and professionals. Thank you.

There are two ways to change bad habits and break free of addictions. The first is to quit cold turkey: the person departs entirely from his unsatisfactory behavior at once. The other method involves gradual change. The person changes one kind of inappropriate behavior at a time until he escapes it completely.

Quitting cold turkey has its advantages. When done right, a person can leave entire addictions behind in a short time. He won’t need to maintain his attention and effort for nearly as long. Although at first he will need extreme willpower, he will quickly develop new habits and need even less willpower than a regular person. Once he gets through the initial difficult period and eases into a new way of life, it becomes much easier to control himself.

However, quitting in one shot requires much internal strength and willpower. It is best employed by someone with a clear, unstressed mind. (See Sefer Cheshbon Hanefesh, subsections 11-12.) Usually, it takes strong motivation for someone to make such a dramatic change and stick to it. Often, this method needs a life-changing experience that creates a sudden shift in perspective.

Feelings that can spark such a change include a surge of strong positive motivation and healthy ambition, or the guilt and clarity obtained from hitting  rock bottom. The most effective transformations combine both — the person is shaken up but is also excited to do something about it and become great.

Lust is never satisfied. The more we feed it, the more we need it. If we don't work on ourselves before marriage, this addiction has the potential to destroy two people's lives, not just one. Many unmarried bochurim on our network have achieved full abstinence. It is possible.

Addiction is all about me. Recovery is about finally putting someones needs before my own. Are you planning on disclosing to her because you think it would be a chesed for her, or are you just trying to take a load off your chest at your poor wife's expense? Imagine how scared and insecure she might feel after you disclose youre not the person she thought she married. Even betrayed. Now's the time to focus on being a good husband and giving your wife what she needs. Once you've changed and become the person she thought she married, then what's in the past is in the past and there's no reason she has to know. Dont destroy your poor wifes sense of security just because you have a guilty conscious. I foolishly made that mistake and it really hurt my wife.

or those who did not get the GYE email, I'm posting the info here:

For those of us who struggle daily with the Yetzer Hara, the current Coronavirus situation can be toxic. Being confined to home without work, feeling anxious and stressed, as well as constantly checking our computers and phones, are breeding grounds for dangerous behaviors to develop or resurface.

Keeping spiritually safe is just as important (if not more) than staying physically safe. In light of the situation, GYE will be sending out special emails like this approximately twice a week, to help us stay inspired in these trying times. The emails will contain inspiration, stories and practical tips to help us in our struggle (and a joke at the end to keep us smiling :-)

Having dealt with thousands of people who struggle with lust at all levels on GuardYourEyes, I would like to share with you what I have come to believe is the most powerful attitude to overcoming the Yetzer Hara at all levels of this struggle (and also perhaps the greatest segulah to staying healthy and safe in our tumultuous times).

Disclaimer: Deeply internalizing this truth can sometimes takes many years and a lot of suffering. But the more emunah we have in this principle today, the less time it will take for us to break-free, and the less suffering we will need to undergo in the process. The idea is really very simple, and it is spelled out by our Creator in the Torah many times: Hashem basically lets us choose our pleasures and our suffering in this world. When we accept upon ourselves the pain of turning away and saying “no” to the Yetzer Hara, we save ourselves so much unnecessary suffering and anguish in other areas in life. When we give up pleasures that we’re not supposed to take, Hashem gives us far greater pleasures in areas that are truly important like health, parnassa and nachas, and of-course, the World to Come. (The story in yesterday's boost is a case-in-point). Deeply internalizing this truth is ultimately the only way we will be willing to put in the effort that it takes to break free, and whether we like it or not, we must all come to accept this truth sooner or later. Let us pray that Hashem help us internalize this today so we don't have to suffer unnecessarily, and so that we can enjoy the true pleasures that life-- and our beautiful Torah--have to offer.

We all know that empty pleasure seeking throws us into isolation, distances us from our loved ones (and Hashem), and sucks all the joy out of our lives. But with all this time on our hands, what can we do to ensure that we don’t get "infected"?

Here are a few tips to help stay sane in these trying times: Make sure to have a good filter installed. We'll make it easy for you, just fill out this simple form. It’s easy to lose ourselves when we don’t have structure. Let’s make certain red-lines as far as what time we get up in the morning to daven, how much time we’d like to spend each day learning Torah (Gemara, Halacha, Tanach or whatever we enjoy), and make specific times to learn and play with our children as well. Dig up those old “To Do” lists of things you wished you could do but never found the time like organizing your papers, books, albums, etc. and do them together with your wife and kids! Try to get your news from Kosher websites like YeshivaWorld, Matzav, Vosizneias.com and INN. You can also sign up here to get all the latest news updates (images and video clips) through the "Kol Haolam" Whatsapp status. It's very unlikely that you'll miss important Coronavirus updates by sticking exclusively to kosher sites and groups. This sacrifice will boost your spiritual immune system and help you avoid the dangerous triggers in articles about celebrities, sex scandals and advertisements for various body-part enlargements. Consider signing up to the YESOD challenge as a merit that Hashem should keep us all healthy and safe! In spite of the fact that events, theater, shopping, restaurants, weddings, Bar Mitzvas, Prayer Services (over 10) and more, ARE CANCELLED, WE NEED TO BE AWARE THAT: Going outdoors: Not Cancelled! Music : Not Cancelled! Family : Not Cancelled! Reading : Not Cancelled! Friends : Not Cancelled! Singing : Not Cancelled! Laughing : Not Cancelled! Great for parents with bored kids at home: Oorah has unlocked all of their videos including marvelous middos machine etc. to view online. No YouTube needed. Click here. In addition, on Glatweb.com you can find hundreds of kosher movies, documentaries and video clips to keep your kids busy without resorting to spiritually dangerous websites like youtube (although many of the movies are not Jewish, they are clean).

We all know that stress and anxiety are major triggers for addictive behaviors. Staying calm and relaxed are very important to our physical, mental and spiritual health.

Staying Calm and Happy in the Coronavirus Days

Hey fighitngaddictionnow,

This thread gives me so much chizzuk! It seems like you have hit a tough patch, but that just means Hashem is giving you an opportunity to really strengthen yourself and commit to getting clean again!

Please keep posting often and also try to come up with a good geder to prevent being in situations with too much access. 

Hashem loves you!

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 13 Mar 2020 09:12:

Hi
If I may suggest, the SMART recovery program has a good tool for dealing with temptations.

I:t is called "HALT the BADS"
HALT: Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tiredness
BADS: Boredom, Anxiety, Depression, Stress

Ask yourself: "Have I noticed the feelings of HALT or BADS result in an urge? Do I have an example to share and how it affected me? What were my thoughts? What did it make me want to do? How did I deal with it?"

Recognizing and dealing with hunger, anger, loneliness and tiredness can help you identify and change some less obvious conditions that can cause urges. Other conditions or emotions like boredom, anxiety, depression and stress can also be a source of cravings and urges. If you learn to recognize these states when they’re happening, it can give you the power to address them before they lead to urges.

Then Ask yourself: "How have I successfully dealt with these?"
Suggestions:
Eating, calming down, calling a friend and getting rest can help with HALT.
Doing something fun, something that occupies your mind, doing something simple for others and doing something relaxing can help with BADS.
When an urge surfaces and you’re not sure why, try to figure out if you’re feeling HALT OR BADS. If you are, you might go for a walk, drink a cup of tea, read a book, eat a healthy snack, take a nap, call a friend, paint the kitchen, etc. If you experience any of these, do what you can to deal with them. 

If you have trouble identifying your triggers, keeping an urge log can help a lot. An urge log is a table with the following columns:

• Date / time
• Strength of urge (1-10)
• Length of urge
• What triggered my urge
• Where/who was I with
• How I copied and my feelings about coping
• Alternative activities/substitute behaviors.

By keeping such a log for a few days, you can start identifying your triggers, and update your plan as needed.

Lately I've slipped a bit. Taking an extra second before looking away, picking up reading material that I know I probably shouldn't. Nothing scandalous, but specifically because it is inconspicuous, it's especially dangerous. I've been on what feels like a hamster wheel for years, and I know that becoming less vigilant with details is a recipe for disaster.
Whenever I have hit the reset button, be it a half hearted or earnest reset, the motivation is there at first, but it has always petered out, be it a matter of weeks, days or hours. After a fall I'd hate myself for it, and restart. But as time went on, I felt less guilty about it. I never really gave up on the fight, but here I stand, still addicted. This time I changed my mindset, realizing that I'm embarking on a journey knowing getting up after falling will be the hardest part. A fall isn't the end of the attempt, but where the tough work begins. 
Now I find myself in one of those spots where even though with G-d's help I haven't fell, I don't have the same spark, that same fire I had on day 1. 
It scares me.
I know that if I fall it'll set me back and just make it harder for me to progress. But still I find myself becoming weaker. All the glitz and glamor of a fresh start with a new perspective and new tools wears off, and all the tools in the world can't stop a seasoned addict.
I could have all of the practical gedarim and filters and kabbalos and more, but bottom line, if I'm not motivated, its game over sooner or later.
My brain knows all of the right reasons to be motivated. If you ask him, he'll tell you what I wrote on peice of paper a month ago. 
But it's not easy, building a bridge to a heart which has slowly buried itself beneath layers of ice. 
I guess sometimes it can take a month of small improvements to realize just how numb and cold a person has become.

Markz, your right, we should open up, but to people who understand addiction. Not to Rabbis who would look down on me after I took the courage to open up to them.