Yesterday was difficult. In other times I can see that my difficulties with porn were usually assosiated with low level thinking and sad thoughts of lonlieness... Yesterday it was about porn. I was able to backtrack after that the stress was probably caused by my sisters getting into a huge fight. This made me feel a bit better, and there was a point in the day where I was calm and content... But it was still difficult. I did reach out to my psychologist, which was a buetfuk thing that I asked for help, a huge kudos to myself for that. Also, the taphsic method is in my head, I think about it a bunch, and the knasim definitely do make me think twice before running to a computer. 

Earlier in the day I watched a seminar ran by Eli Nash who spoke with spouses of addicts, and how they felt and recovered. Two big points that I have been hearing lately assosiated with addiction is SHAME, and asking for help. I want to understand a bit more what they mean when they talk about shame... And why there understanding of it helps. 

Lately something I've been noticing in myself is "kosher triggers", although I'm not looking at anything crazy explicit, nothing explicit at all actually, not even models. But, if I feel I have the chance to get some sort of RUSH, whether it's reading over someone's story in a forum, or a pretty girl in a seminar... These are kosher, but I notice myself seeking them out. I want to stop this, it's a path that will lead to destruction, either I'm gonna watch porn or I'm not. I can't control myself because of the disease I have, I'm not flawed, I just have something else to work on. 

Another thing they spoke about is about planting seeds early on for people so eventually they can have a real and complete paradigm shift. Not everyone can can handle change right away, so you got to break it down in to prices slowly. Also, for yourself, your body is a great indicator of where you are holding mentally. In myself, I see I still have acid reflux, smelly breath, and teeth grinding, all associated with stress. I'm gonna ask my psychologist if he is holding anything back from me, and if so, just let it out and let me work on it. I want the emes. 
Something I've notices is that I have a crazy disgust for certain types of sexuality, I wonder what that means. I am at the point in my struggle where I'm not really afraid of anything anymore, if I feel it, I'm gonna talk about it.

List to talk with psychologist
Surrender
Shame
Sexuality
Holding info back?... Why am I stressed

p.s. As I type this, I have really strong desire to act out, I'm using my steps and running through the motions, ODAAT though, we'll see how it goes I guess

Today I was reflecting on something that I wish I realized earlier. I think it can be very helpful to defeating the yetzer hara. 

I am on a 21 day streak. This is after almost going for a year clean. When I feel, I was so afraid that now I was about to fall into my horrible ways from before and start falling everyday again. However, this did not happen. Instead, after that one fall, it has been relatively smooth sailing. 
I think this is for two reasons: 

1) I did not have yaush (despair) when I fell. I recognized that I messed up, said that I am still proud of what I accomplished, and I can get there again if I start now and don't let myself fall in. I think it is really really important once you fall after a long streak to let it fall into two- because then it will be a never ending "one more".

2) MORE IMPORTANTLY: I think even though I had fallen, and that obviously the tayva was still there (clearly), that since I went so long with being clean that my addiction/constant need became much weaker and fell away. That is GYE says that the 90 days will do - that it will change how our mind/habbits work (I think this really happened for me at around 150). 

I think this is so important because when I was in the everyday struggle, and falling almost everyday, my yetzer hara would tell me it is useless to try being clean today, because  even if I am successful  I can't be clean for as long as I want because it is impossible to battle this tayva for so long. The fault in that logic is that the longer you are clean, it will honestly first get harder, but then at a certain point it will get easier because you broke that habbit/addiction from your brain and there is honestly nothing better than reaching this.

I legitimately believe that the greatest pleasure and gift in my life is the ability to live  without my constant nagging desires pulling me away and distressing me when I fall. This is baruch Hashem the reality that I have attained for myself with the help of Hashem and GYE, and I think if I realized that this was possible earlier I would have been more motivated. There really is this light at the end of the tunnel. Only now on the other side do I realize how sad and dark it is when living with this addiction and that there was another possible reality. 

I still obviously have tayva. I had major tayva today. But because in my head it is no longer considered a need, and I have proven that to myself that I do not need it, and I have much more clarity of thought- this tayva is so much easier to ride out until it surpasses. 

I really hope this inspires people to realize that even though it seems really dark and like there is no light at the end, that if we just push through the rough patch now- the most amazing light is waiting for us. WE DESERVE THAT LIGHT!!!!

I also just want to say thank you for the whole community. Everyone here is so amazing!

"Feelin good, like I should, when I go and walk around the neighborhood, feeling blessed, by Hashem, got that sunshine on my Shabbos' best." ____ (for all my modox Chev out there, this ones for you)  

Wow, do I feel like a new person. After what was a very difficult day yesterday, I needed a mental break so I watched a documentary for a while on ESPN. It was a healthy way to get my mind off things, I think... But I know I still have to be catutious with things. I began to take devices into my room once again, which I will once again stop, the room is more than just a place of yeechud, it's a safe haven... A place I know I can go with whatever I'm feeling, and take a break... No work no distractions, no internet... Just a guitar a piano and sforim and a bed. It doesn't really make a difference whether or not the device has Internet, the point is to get some detox from the day. I also began to take a tablet into the bathroom, and even though it has no internet access... Not a good habit, so I'm just going to relax when I go on the can, maybe contemplate life, whatever, just don't bring in the device. 
Yesterday was difficult, I had some hidden urges the whole day, and once the night came... I definitely thought about going to watch porn and masterbating... After all, I have been having success so why not just call it a day and next time work on the next next streak. I haven't been making perfect decisions lately, regarding the room bathroom, I also have been more lax with a Disney movie, non Jewish music, and Internet... Even though it's filtered. I think for now I'm still in the zone where I have to be extra cautious. Also not to lie to myself, I'm not going to go on YouTube... And slowly get pleasure from thumbnail or random Google image of a woman and "wonder what happens next". I've been down that road long enough to know that it always ends in porn. There's no tricking myself any,ore... Either I'm guarding my eyes and not watching porn... Or I'm giving myself a few looks here and there to get a high... Which WILL end up me watching porn. I guess it's a gift that I'm not stupid, or choose not to be stupid at least anymore. 

What really got me strait was that every day is the first day approach. As much as the streak helps, each day is individual, another opportunity to restart and refresh... So why give that opportunity up? Just do the moment, and focus on not masterbating or acting out now, we'll see how later goes I guess. 
I also visited fortify, and got a clear siman from Hashem, one of the articles I read was about, "so you had a long streak, but then you think... How long can this really last?"  An exact response to the question j was having, pashut seeyata deshmaya. I then spent time going through GYE forums, some shiurim... One I found by Dõv on 12 steps that I hope to listen to over time, and  some articles.

I also began to have some real happiness with my accomplishment as well. I began to think, wo, I can't believe I'm pretty much 3 weeks sober and it doesn't feel like a raging burden... Who knew that was a thing?
 I also remember a quote my psychologist to,d me "sometimes the only bechira we have is to ask for help" bh over the past couple of years I've been doing just that... Asking for help. I was reading a story on the forum that got me worked up, about a guy with an addiction and anger problem that pretty much destroyed his life, his wife and his kids. It spoke to me a lot... Don't make these mistakes, don't get to that point. One of the main things I have done that he hasn't is rely on other, surrender and get help.  I'm also highly considering opening up to my mom, wondering how I'm gonna do that, I think by now I'm gonna call someone for some extra help... We'll see

It feels really cool that al,it's everything seems to be coming together, the streak is going good, one day at a time, my future is looking bright, and I have a new GYE family that I know will always have my back.. 
Toda Raba to All!!

Ps . I have some questions about sexuality... I have some throw away disgust for it, I wonder if that means anything, gonna explore that to my psychologist... No point in hiding anything... Got to dig as deep as possible to find the gold... I think:)

Hi, any advice where to turn for either a therapist or manhig, who is very experienced with technology and inappropriate material abuse, who can have an anonymous consultation with a 23 year old shidduchim age yeshivish boy regarding analysis of severity of issues, diagnosis of addiction or lack thereof, a gameplan for dealing with issues, and advice how and when to approach or avoid shidduchim in the context of these issues? Anonymity and discretion is key. Thank you. May Hashem keep us all safe, healthy, holy, pure, and growing.

BH today was a solid day so far, a little nisyonos of shmiras eiynayim in the street but nothing whelming. Generally when starting a new initiative the beginning has a lot of chizuk, which comes with a lot of willpower, so bzh it'll continue. 
The beg of the handbook begins with the intro which helps give you a perspective on how serious the issue is and how the way to overcome it is with chochma and implementing the ideas and tools methodically and to see what works and doesn't(important info, worth the read). Then it goes thru 8 levels of GYE program tools. I'm going to leave which level I think I'm holding at to the second time I read the book bec then I'll know which tools I tried etc(as the intro says). 
Dont want to dwell on the intro and levels during my first read too much, just a Q and a thought. 
Q- I was always curious whether if its harmful to jump to more severe steps/tools? Meaning if someone isn't(or doesn't know if he's) holding at such a deep addiction, is it a bad move to use a tool in level 7 or 8?(for a newbie to do a 8 is prob an overkill, but a guy who has tried overcome and is at a 3,4,5 would it be an overkill, or just to sudden) If anyone has any insights, I'm all ears.
Thought- A point I found important in the intro is the first step to recovery is Acceptance. Accept you have an issue. Its ugly and annoying and you may think to yourself "well if I really really tried then i can beat it, so I'm not that bad" or "all the fancy terms and tools they use are for ppl with real issues, but I don't have any."  Well be straight with yourself. I have an issue that needs working on. That doesn't make me weird or some freak with a problem, it makes me human. It means I have to use the tools that they are talking about bec they are talking to ME. If someone doesn't realize this, then he's looking at this site and its tools as an outsider. He'll think that GYE and its tools are for other people and it's just interesting read.
This wraps up day 1, bzh to many more clean ones
Any and all thoughts are welcome;)

To be honest, if he has substantial sobriety absolutely %100 i would take him for a son inlaw!! I know the strength it take for an addict to get sober, thats the type of guy i want my daughter marrying!!


We need to focus on the HERE and NOW! Surrendering the "whats gonna be in the future" thoughts allows us to actually grow. 

I had a rebbe who dealt with these and similar type issues regularly(drug, girlfriends, abuse, any type of addictions) and ive actually been meaning to email and ask the question.
However from what i recall his general stance on these inyanim was that if the problem is resolved and wont affect the marriage(its in the past), then dont mention anything.
again obv ask your rav/daas torah but imo if someone is able to firmly say its his past and its not a issue moving forward, then I wouldn't see the need to divulge(similar to what starting said)
hatzlacha and let us know if you hear from any rebbiem

Hi, thank you!
Please don't take this as a knock to SA. They are a wonderful group that helps MANY people. It's my OWN issues that made it incompatible. I do have philosophical issues with it, but they aren't important... getting free from lust is more.It just was very cult-like to me, with people quoting from the AA books like the Torah, and telling people that if It wasn't working for people in some way- they just have major "Emunas Chachamim" issues  (Someone even told me that the black book is their chumash, and the white book their Mishna). That drove me nutz. 
Again, many people love it. I just have emotional issues that were tremendously triggered there. I was sober there for a year, but then I was sober for another year NOT on the program. But my emotions are actually MORE important than my technical sobriety (even in regards to the addiction)! I do love the connection/social part of it. That was awesome.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 May 2020 16:43:

Hi,
You make some VERY good and important points to think about! The fact that pornography damages you emotionally and doesn't allow you to connect with your spouse in a genuine way!
If its ok id l to add a point: i dont think its honest to fully separate the two. How many of us can watch pornography and not masterbait if not immediately then later that day or the next. 
Lets not forget that for addicts (which many people here are, including myself) it is dangerous to separate the two! 

Belief is a powerful driver of change. Repeat studies have shown that people have more success replacing addictions and entrenched bad habits than those who don’t believe they can change. 

Believing you can give up, allows you the space to plan how to give up, as you can focus your attention, energy and motivation away from the addiction itself to efforts to break and combat the addiction.

Change is possible. Humans are designed to adapt to change.

doingtshuva wrote on 05 Mar 2020 23:26:

It's interesting you say that. To some this isn't even an option, but to those that do, the least a Rebbe can say is that he doesn't understand, a true Rebbe know when to say "I don't know, you may have to ask someone else". 
in my experience though, I have had the zechus of speaking to Rabanim who know the struggle, understand and sympathies with it, and can have a real conversation with you even when you feel like trash. Also, it really depends on where you live, but I'm a lot of Jewish communities the psychologists are usually Jewish.... And sometimes even have Smicha. My psychologist had two switches, when I wanted to hear Hashem love me and some breslove Torah, he had that.... When I wanted to hear nothing about Judaism and for him to give me the cold hard facts... He had that as well. It was a huge bracha for me, and hopefully all of us at one point can have that opportunity. 
I think though it's also helpful just to know that such a person exists. 

If everyone would be focused so much on their families that nothing else matters, I think Klal Yisroel would look even better than it does already! Wives and children desperately need totty/daddy's attention!  It is extremely normal to replace the "addiction" with another one. BH you chose being addicted to your family...  It may also be a result of realizing that you may have drifted away from your family when you were busy feeding the lust machine in your brain, and now you simply are making up for that. Enjoy your family tzaddik!

My 2 cents
I don't think a non-addict can understand what addiction is. They wouldn't realise that it's a push by a hidden hand to do something that you don't necessarily want to be doing and that without help you often don't have the power to stop. 
If it won't affect her, especially if you've been clean for a while, like your rebbi said, don't tell her. You don't have to tell her anything that doesn't affect her and iif the subject doesn't come up don't bring it up so you can stick to the Emes as much as possible. 
This is often considered mipnei darchei shalom sosheker could be considered but you should ask your rabbi before that fourth date. 

Just my thoughts, had to get it out because many people would not get married if they thought like you. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh

Hi;
I acted out really badly this morning. I had lots of urges, and I didn't just move onto the next task on the schedule. It was a really bad fall- I tried to do something really bad. I didn't go all the way, but the attempt was extremely dangerous for my marraige; My goodness. How dumb can I get.
Ok, tomorrow will be clean day #1.
I just need to move to the next thing.
And I cant let so many things bother me- this addiction is my main issue, and if I'm doing well in it- I gotta be happy.
Darn.

My two cents (for real!) on this topic:

It depends on where your really holding. Your wife need not know your entire history if that's not you and won't be you. Like I read once " Your not as bad as your worst day nor as good as your best day; Your somewhere in between."

Also, if a person does real teshuva he is NOT the same person. Why tell her about a "friend" you once knew!

But, I guess if its still a large part of you then you have a question. Not sure what the options are...

Considering that addicts  say that they are always in recovery, maybe my firsts points are not nogeya!