Perhaps tell us more about your struggle and what have you been doing. Do you have a filter? What tools do you use? (Webchaver, phone chat, forums, etc). What are your triggers? How do you fall? In my opinion, mussar alone is worthless, especially if you're an addict. If you are an addict I highly recommend 12 steps. A good starting point is Dov's shiurim, just click on the 12-step program link in the bar at the very bottom of the page.

I was once in a store and I heard a person telling his friend, "I'm not addicted to cigarettes! I could quit whenever I want! I just don't want to right now." 
I would bet anything that this person still smokes.
The question you have to ask yourself is when you're gonna be the person you want to be? Because if you don't decide that you want to be that person soon, you might tell yourself "tomorrow" for the rest of your life! But if you try now, then you will already be the person you want to be now!
There are things that are more important and greater to you than temptation, at least during the time of your life that you're not lusting. You have to ask yourself who you want to be. Do you want to be someone great? Then fight the battle and you'll be great (no matter whether you succeed or not.) When you want to win strong enough, you won't want to make excuses! You'll want to be the great person you can be, more than you want pleasures, and it will be easier not to make excuses.
Remember, the way to become a great person is by trying to overcome temptation. So when it's more difficult, it's a greater opportunity to become great!
Hatzlocha

don't be mistaking that once you will remember all this nice during an urge then you will not sin... 

In your case your desire to reach that pleasure to fulfill your urge overpowers all mussar and intellectual stuff you know...  the reason for that is because its an ingrained "Habit" for years... and it takes time and hard work to change bad habits... it doesn't happen by one musser schmooz and you are all transformed... 
That's the purpose of the 90 day chart.. as GYE post on top of the 90 day chart the following ( in case you didn't read) 

Take the leap of faith and start your 90 days challenge!It's not all or nothing. Just do your best and track your days.  Scientific studies show it takes about 90 days to change the neuron pathways in the brain created by addictive behaviors. Members of the 12-Step groups are given a "red" recovery chip when they reach 90 days. We also find the idea of 90 in Chazal. The Halacha is, that if one is not sure if he said "v'sen tal u'matar", he must repeat the Shmoneh Esrei. However after 30 days, one no longer needs to repeat Shmoneh Esrei when in doubt, because we assume that his mind has already gotten used to saying it. 30 days is 90 Shmoneh Esreis! Chazal knew that it takes 90 times of doing something to get the mind used to it. The Hebrew letter “Tzadik” – which symbolizes a Tzadik who is pure, also equals 90 in Gematria.

There are many ways to change habits, one of them is to prepare beforehand an alternative pleasure what you will do as soon as you feel an urge coming... some people make up with a partner that they will call every time they feel the urge... after consistent  90 days of changing a this habit you will be in a very different state of being... and after 180 days its even easier.. and then after a full year and you can imagine after a few years... well the urge will still come.. but you have the ability to overcome because its not a habit anymore....

Hatzlucha on your journey,

Sorry for reviving the old thread, but the subject really interested me.
I think this is the haftorah from Rosh Chodesh right?
If I'm not mistaken it is speaking of "bad" frum people that existed at such times (unfortunately still exists). People who would put tefilin, keep shabbes, kosher, offer sacrifices, but were bad towards others. They would lie, cheat, steal and perhaps even shed blood which is a complete subversion of moral values. All the ritual mitzvos are intended for us to become better human beings. I think what the prophet is conveying in here is that G-d would much rather us be good people and not do his ritual mitzvos than the other way around. If all the goal of the ritual mitzvos are to make us better human beings and we become the exact opposite of that, then it sort of loses its value.
That being said, all the above is speaking about morality, human conduct, but not addiction, which is a disease.
I suppose G-d pities the sexaholic as much as he does the alcoholic. Are they to be punished for the extra drink they take? G-d want us to stop, but not because He is mad at us, but because He loves us and want us to lead a normal life. As much as He is not mad at a person with pneumonia, that would be ludicrous. But perhaps he could be mad at such person if he refused to recognize his sickness and refused to accept treatment. Even this "mad" sentiment would probably be a sort of sadness but not anger in the truest sense.

EDIT: Sorry just found it it's the haftorah for the Shabbos before Tisha b'Av, nevertheless I found a good source that coincides with what I have just said:https://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/1904319/jewish/Profits-and-Prophets.htm

Long erev Shabbos, bzh gonna be productive and clean.
Everyone have the most amazing, geshmak, fulfilling shabbos! Remember the "amazing" feeling we get from porn and masturbating(and guilt thereafter) can be replaced with the Kedusha of shabbos. Spend quality time with family, friends, and develop relationships that are meaningful(which can end up being another reason why you wanna stop jerking off) without the bother of technology. Sing some hartzig zemiros. Feel the warmth. And dont forget to learn a bit.
Next tool is Tool #13 Talk to the Experts
This is one is written pretty succinctly and well in the HB Im just gonna copy and paste it

Exactly, after day 90 the YH is not gonna magically disappear. Unfortunately if you're an addict, not even after 10 years. Forget 90 days. My advice is, focus on today. Every day is incredibly precious. How much is sobriety worth for you for today? How much would you pay to be sober today? (No guarantees for tomorrow). To me it's worth mountains of gold. I've been learning not to trade it for tomorrow and to value it more than anything. Today is the day. I want to have a good day, that's all I want. I want to be at peace with myself and everyone around. I daven to Hashem everyday, Hashem, please, please help me keep sober for today, just for today I need your help. I can't afford being not sober for a single day and I can't do it alone. If I act out I feel miserable, I don't work well, I don't eat well, I don't daven well, I don't sleep well and I don't love my family the way they deserve and I'm so ashamed of even seeing my wife after acting out. I feel fake. So please help me keep sober just for today.
Forget streaks and track records. I think they're a good measure of your recovery. But we must learn that simple truth. I can only stay sober for today, not for tomorrow. All that being said, if you haven't I suggest you look at 12 steps. I highly recommend Dov's shiurim as a starting point.

NMI36 wrote on 24 Jun 2020 21:36:

Hi
I find that to remove the anxieties, it's important to focus on the benefits of Kedusha. The struggle, then, is no longer between enjoying a certain pleasure and giving it up, but rather between choosing one pleasure in favour of another one. Sending ourselves positive messages and cultivating a positive attitude might be far more helpful. We could reiterate our basic premise that deep down we really want to stay inside the Torah’s safety net and be clean and pure. We’re not seeking to be awash in momentary thrills; we choose to rise above that kind of thing. They leave long term damage and have already caused untold havoc in enough areas. We’ll go for the gold – true spiritual wealth and eternal bliss.

Shalom to all the wonderful guys on here. My name is NMI36. I have been struggling with this addiction for at least 12 years. It's a great feeling to be joining this choshuve group. Truthfully, I probably should have joined a long time ago, but better late than never. I have always have had anxieties about being nichshal in this category of aveiros. Now that my mentor from Guard your Eyes helped me write up a plan, I am feeling much better about this, boruch Hashem. With Hashem's help, I have my sights on the goal of 90 days of recovery!

So I know next to nothing of ADHD but from what you tell me, it means such person is more impulsive, restless etc. Like you said it's not necessarily something bad, but could require a slightly different approach.
It'd seem to me that boredom or being idle would be hell for such a person and the bad ideas could surge rather quickly. If I had ADHD I'd avoid being idle or bored by having a list of enjoyable activities I could do at any given time. Somebody said sports, breaking a sweat, that looks like a great idea. If I may add, muay-thai or martial arts is something very energetic and feels like you're discharing the bad energies away. I have a friend of mine who told me he likes to play the drums whenever he's stressed. On the other hand it's pretty much impossible for one not to be bored or idle or alone at a given time so somebody spoke of meditation and mindfulness. I think if a person is very hyperactive, that can certainly be harnessed and used for good, but addiction-wise, perhaps it's wise to try as much as one can, through meds, therapy and meditation to tone it down to a healthier level.

Keep up the good work, I get chizuk from you!
Unfortunately, speaking for myself as an addict, I know I can't watch certain stuff. If I do, it's triggering and I get into a very difficult struggle. So why make it hard for myself? As hard as it is to sacrifice, ultimately, you're doing good to yourself. Tachlis you know it's gonna make you unhappy in the end, so if you just don't watch it, whatever it is, tik tok, or a certain youtube video, or pictures of certain women from social media/news, you're doing yourself a big favor and being happier overall. All I can say is the more I give up anything that could cause me to lust, the lighter and happier I feel. Think instead of a sacrifice, a gift, I'm giving myself peace of mind and true happiness.

lee1999 wrote on 24 Jun 2020 11:06:

We're all in this together. Keep strong and keep connected, hashem will definitely help you go in the right direction.

Here are 2 points that can help you in this struggle...

1 -  Breaking the Cycle: We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this saying in mind: "Just once is too much; a thousand times is never enough." We cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures ultimately amount to nothing. Isolated incidents of control are not significant when dealing with addiction, it’s the overall pattern. Staying stopped is the issue. We must realize that we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors. This is, in the most literal sense, a life and death struggle for our souls.

2- Giving the fight over to Hashem:  Ultimately, only Hashem can overcome the addiction for us. As Chazal say: “If Hashem doesn’t help him, he cannot overcome him” (the Yetzer Hara). But, in order for Hashem to fight for us, we need to know that we can’t do it alone, and we need to reconnect with Hashem in a very fundamental way and learn a complete dependency on Him; much as a one day old baby depends on its mother.
When we learn to “Let Go and Let G-d,” Hashem does all the fighting for us and we don’t have to “overcome” anything on our own. Our job is just to maintain a healthy spiritual condition and learn to live with Hashem’s help. Of course, we also need to take the steps we can, to ensure that we do not continue feeding our addiction. When we let Hashem do it for us, we have Hashem’s strength and not our own, as the Pasuk says “Kovei Hashem yachalifu koach – those who hope to Hashem exchange strengths”. We literally exchange our strength with that of Hashem’s.

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 24 Jun 2020 05:18:

I was actually talking about the case in my mashul where, yes you would have to tell her. As far as your journey is concerned, Rabbi Sheifer does discuss this a little in "The Fight" (I think in the last shiur).
As a general rule, she doesn't need to know about your past, but she may need the present, but not necessarily, depending on what it is.
What exactly is considered your past and what is present is another area where you will need an objective opinion.
Did you smoke a few packs when you were sixteen, no reason she needs to know that. Did you stop smoking the day of your wedding? Now that's a different story.

For a full blown addict, it's obviously not in the past yet, even if they are taking the proper steps to recovery.

I think one should never lock himself into a limited definition of himself. Like "I am an addict" or "I am a guy with ADHD", or "I am lazy". Because what you believe you are, you will always be.

You might sometimes show more difficulty to focus on something than other people, but this doesn't have to be the major aspect through which you see yourself.

Hachem renew its creation at every moment, including us. It's only our limited beliefs which keep us doing the same wrong things, and remaining the same bad person.

There are some sources in French arguing that the "ADHD syndrom" has been created through the massive investments of the pharmaceutical industry, in order to invent a new disease and justify the creation of new drugs to heal it.

Translation of the French Wiki page on ADHD (TDAH) :
"Many psychiatrists and social scientists consider that ADHD is at least overdiagnosed; or even completely invented under pressure from the pharmaceutical industry which has spent considerable sums to promote this diagnosis and especially to sell its products. For Jean-Claude St-Onge, Canadian writer and sociologist, “more than half of diagnoses are attributed without the children having symptoms that significantly affect their functioning. (…) Many children show symptoms (ADHD) because they lack sleep, have developmental problems such as dyslexia (…) or because they live in difficult family situations ”

It seems however that the diagnosis remains relevant for a minority of severe cases, but the pharma industry have invested massively in order to extend the diagnosis for people who actually behave in a healthy way.

The symptoms of ADHD are actually observable on each and every one, but where do you place the limit between a normal and a pathologic behaviour ?

And if it's just a question of "amount of bad behaviours", it is the aim of our live, through Torah and Mitsvots to reduce the quantity of bad behaviours and increase the quantity of good behaviours.

So maybe trough time and efforts and no medicine, someone could just move from acting like someone with "ADHD" to acting like someone "normal". But the first step for this is to not consider that you ARE and ADHD person, it's just that sometimes your acts look like the symptoms that pharma labs use to define "ADHD".

Thank you everyone for the feedback. I really really appreciate it.

• BH I dont think I was ever considering telling a shadchan anything, so thats out of the picture.
• ​Just the question remains how important is it to tell a rebbe?​
  
  • Telling the girl is a separate hock and it seems like it can go aight(I dont think the best case scenario is that she will be calm and not nervous at all about it, just not shayich; she has to have some level of "bugging out") or blow up majorly in your face. So when that comes along well see.
• BZH I want to get to "The battle" from R Shaifer(I listen to his shmuzin a lot); Hopefully after I finish the GYE HB I'll get to it.
• @willnevergiveup You mentioned that if its a healthy normal struggle then you shouldnt have to tell anyone, can you expound a bit? By anyone is a rebbe included(again Im assuming its beneficial to speak to one, just how important)?
• Another thing that Ive been thinking about(and another user on GYE I was chatting with) is whats the long term goal of being clean? Meaning lets say I manage the 90(bzh) or even longer than that, is there some type of paradigm shift I have to do in my mentality, or just I can slowly ease off being so nervous about and it just becomes second nature to be wary about it? Was there something I saw and hardwired that will have a lasting effect or as time goes on I gain the correct hashkafa? Does a person need some type of therapy or 12 steps matziv
  
  • I'm under the assumption that if it wasnt a full on blown addiction(and it wasnt based off some underlying mental or emotional issue) just a bachur who was introduced to it too young to know better and it feels good to do it(which, from what I heard, is most bochurim these days), when he does get a handle on it, it slowly dwindles down and becomes more of a second nature type thing(especially if like I said, most bochurim go thru it too)  

Id love to hear peoples thoughts on all that(especially the experts) Thanks!

Hi,
I was diagnosed with ADHD a bit over a year ago. The diagnoses came about as a result of my recovery work with my therapist.
​From what i understand, based on what my therapist taught me is that ADHD isn't the cause of addiction rather it makes a person more susceptible to things turning into an addiction as there is a chemical imbalance. 
That being said i dont think the approach regarding these struggles are any different for someone with ADHD as this condition isnt whats causing the acting out. The approach needs to be the same, in dealing with whatever is "missing" in a persons life that he is looking to fill with inappropriate content.

Feel free to reach privately at any time to chat and "compare notes"