> Friends... This time it's not a joke at all. I'm not going to play games with you, and I'm not going to dramatize. But I'm no longer in this world... My soul left my body a few hours ago, forever...

> I can't explain to you what I went through in the last few hours... because you will never understand. It's not possible for a living person to understand, and I wish you from the depths of my heart (wait... I don't have a heart anymore, I'm just a soul) – that you never have to go through this. But for me, it seems it was unfortunately destined.

> The hardest part of all was the cries of my little children, and the Kaddish of my children. I thought I was dying again in the coffin when I saw my new son-in-law – whom I barely got to know – help my heartbroken young son say "Yitgadal v'yitkadash sh'meiha rabba..."

> At the eulogies they recited for me, I felt like I was dying for the third time... I was so ashamed... If they only knew the truth about who I was... Maybe they knew but tried to hide it for the sake of the family's honor? Maybe, I don't know.

> I'm standing here now in this desolate world, in this place of emptiness. In the coming minutes, I will be brought before the Heavenly Court, where my entire life will be reviewed... Ouch... I'm crying... I don't know where to turn in shame.

> I don't know if I will be punished... because I did it unintentionally, I can truly swear that I didn't want to end up there, but I was truly in chains. Maybe they will have mercy on my poor soul.

> But maybe they will severely reprimand me for not seeking help... There were times when people who knew about my terrible deeds begged me to immediately enter recovery and seek help, but I didn't think it was for me. I wasn't sure if I could handle it or if it aligned with my beliefs, etc.

> I could have consulted with a religious scholar. And I know very well what the ruling would have been: if I know what is good for me, I should immediately rush to the rooms for the meetings and work on a recovery program for the rest of my life.

> But I was so ashamed...

> But now I'm even more ashamed. I feel so bad for my innocent wife and children.

> Instead, I diligently studied after every failure, something I should have done, and I can't say I regret it, but certainly not instead of recovery... What kind of foolishness did I commit...

> It happened a short time ago, when I was unfortunately infected with the dangerous STD disease in one of the lowest places where my addiction brought me in my life, and it very quickly transformed into AIDS, which, as everyone knows, has no cure, and like a candle, I extinguished.

> I am so relieved that they were able to identify it in time before I transmitted it to my own wife – and killed her, but there was nothing that could be done for me.

> Around my sick bed, the family members discussed that when I die, the story will be that I died of a heart attack... I wish they would tell the truth... At least other people will know, so they don't die the way I died...

> I have nothing more to write. And if I didn't have mercy on the honor of my family and my children, I would have written my name and my father's name here so that if someone is awakened by my words to do what is right to help themselves, they should do it as a favor for my soul... Maybe I will be forgiven more easily that way...

> Wait...

> What are these thousands of angels flying towards me??? Do they mean me? Oh... yes... I hear my name being called.... Oh dear..... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... I'm going... Pray for me.........

> I stand here next in line, my story is not much different from my predecessor, but we are very different in age... While he was blessed with some joy in life, I am only in my mid-twenties... I sanctified my dear wife just a few short years ago, I had everything I needed at home, I had everything worth living for, but unfortunately, I let myself be seduced.....

> I can't recover from the strange cries she made at the funeral... She had to be injected several times to calm her down... What will she do alone with the two little babies? Will they be able to grow up normally without a father???

> In my wildest dreams, it never occurred to me that it could happen to me too... It's not that I didn't know that the chance of getting the disease existed... But I knew for a fact from the Google searches I did that it's less than 1% to get it...

> But unfortunately, I was one of the unlucky ones. I lost everything, my chance to live, to have a home, joy, etc., everything that all my friends have with life and lust...

> The most that I mourn is that I also knew very well about recovery... And I had one of my friends with whom I used to jokingly try to drag him there with all our might, but I thought I was too young, and I still had time.

> But I remained young forever...

> Out of great sorrow, I didn't even try to apologize to my closest people, whom I caused so much pain, and left them an open wound for life.

> I am ready for anything, as long as my soul can at least rise to the resurrection of the dead and I don't have to go away forever.

> Dear friends, please don't be angry at my fantasies, because it is unfortunately two true stories that happened only in the past year with two young Hasidic Jewish youths from the most religious neighborhoods in the Haredi community.

> If I could, I would have written more details, but as everyone understands, it's not good, and that's not the goal. But I give you my word that this is true and accurate 100%.

> The two of them, unfortunately, passed away prematurely from the terrible HIV/AIDS disease, which is unfortunately contracted in those kinds of places (and so on).

> Whether the letters they wrote are true, you know the answer yourself, but the story is true, and my opinion, which knows very little, tells me that this is more or less what they would have had to say from that world – from the true world.

> If anyone wants to enjoy the horror, the drama, and further weave what they would have said or thought, it's actually a pity, because only the fear will probably not help anyone and for nothing if you don't do something in practice.

> But know that sex addiction is not a game, and it's not a joke, and it can very quickly lead to such places if it's not taken care of.

> To end on a good note, the נעשכיזער was a good Jew, and Meyer-Zimes is a good dish, and sex addiction is a very bitter disease.

Reb SimchasTorah, 

I really always look forward to your honest and thoughtful musings. Please don't stop offering up those nuanced nuggets! 

I think you may be mistaken, nobody was "soapboxing" (Love that term) here. 

You wrote: "From this I deduce (open to being wrong, but this is where I'm coming from) that having clarity about the terrible feeling is indeed enough to overcome the 'addiction', but there is a 'forgetting mechanism' which makes long term clarity about this difficult. But if the bad feeling alone is not enough to overcome 'addiction' and 'endorphines', why would it be effective even for a few days or weeks?"

To this point, Shem and Cordnoy are pointing out, not necessarily a lack of self-honesty, rather a point about how the "lust cycle" works. I think it's a very valuable point worth thinking about. Dov's nuclear reset post is not just about the honesty, it's a fascinating depth of understanding how this cycle works.  

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Dec 2024 21:39:

And if you wanna hear those words (and worse) loudly, just give me a holler.

simchastorah wrote on 18 Dec 2024 11:25:

Oh boy. I feel like I just heard Dov's voice softly whispering "buuuuuulllllllsh******t". If you want a good schmooze, call him up and run that theory by him. In the alternative, read the nuclear reset button post.

Basically, I think I agree with Chancy, but I'll write it out in case we're saying different things. The nature of giving into lust is that the only thing that seems to quiet it is giving in. During that post-fall time you're not clean because you've somehow become aware of the problem and can "overcome addiction with the bad feeling". You're clean because you've briefly satisfied the chemicals in your brain. When the addiction/chemicals/urges/whatever you wanna call them build back up - you'll be right back in front of that screen.

Of course, this serves to reinforce the deep down idea that the only way to solve this problem is to give in. It's an absolutely vicious self-reinforcing cycle. 

Let me reiterate. You're not clean after a fall because it's a moment of "clarity" where you "see the light" and can "stay strong". You're just sitting in the trough of the wave. And the next wave comes and washes you away.

The only real way out is to stop giving in with or without "clarity".

And I'm not saying you can't take advantage of that trough in the wave to start putting in work. But I am saying that any freedom you feel in that time is a complete and absolute illusion.

Too many deep ideas here, Im getting a headache. 

I think I understand what SimchesTorah is saying as it helped me in the past as well. 
After a fall, the brain is clean of lust and the pain is real. If you allow yourself to feel that pain you will be able to make a strong resolution to stop. 
In the days after, sometimes the brain is still calm and you are again able to reiterate how much you DONT want to fall. You still feel the pain and you are able to fight the lust with logic and pain together. I understand the the brain is addicted to those chemicals and still wants it. But just like any other animal we are also programed to avoid pain. 
The problem is that we lose those precious moments of clarity after a fall and we dont internalize the pain. We want to run away and forget it. 
SO when the lust come back, we only remember the pleasure and not the pain. 

This worked for me time and time again.

OF course exercise is great!

simchastorah wrote on 18 Dec 2024 11:25:

My friend,
Did you have a chance to read the bit I shared from Rabbi Naftali Horowitz explaining Rav Dessler?

We have wants/desires and we have a will. We also have the ability to ignore, or as you say - forget, what we know and even what we want in the face of something else that we want. We can pull the sheet over our own eyes against all logic.

In the short-term after a fall, is it a choice between giving in & the terrible feeling vs not, or the tayva for it is weaker in the first place?

It is possible that even knowing how we will feel afterward is not enough to stop us from making bad choices in the face of momentary desire.
Telling yourself "don't do it" all the time is draining on the will. Having clarity about the terrible feeling will help you during the stage where you are still being logical. I don't think that alone is enough though. Once the tayva is there, and logic threatens to depart, you want a will that supersedes the weighing of options. The default state is a positive life. When the urge is really pulling, you can toss regret on the scale, but otherwise try to have a mindset of 'I feel good to be doing the right thing'. The Battle of the Generation can help to acquire this mindset.

Hatzlacha.

simchastorah wrote on 18 Dec 2024 11:25:

I actually agree with this 100%. I do think the obsessing and thinking about what u want to do is where u have to catch yourself. Once I fall into that there is no point of return or at least 99% of the time. Personally I started running again after my last fall Sunday and I really find it a gamechanger.    

I have many times had bad falls which leave me feeling terrible, and afterwards have no tayvah to fall for some period of time afterwards, be it days or weeks. My feeling during these times is that I am so aware of how bad it is to fall that it outweighs whatever pushes me to fall.

From this I deduce (open to being wrong, but this is where I'm coming from) that having clarity about the terrible feeling is indeed enough to overcome the 'addiction', but there is a 'forgetting mechanism' which makes long term clarity about this difficult. But if the bad feeling alone is not enough to overcome 'addiction' and 'endorphines', why would it be effective even for a few days or weeks?

simchastorah wrote on 18 Dec 2024 05:39:

Because addiction and endorphins are way stronger 

Why not steal? Because we don't want to know ourselves as a criminal, so why act out? so we can know ourselves as addicts? We are better than that! 

ShtettlMan wrote on 12 Dec 2024 09:31:


Yup. Porn twists the brain. We don't realize it at the time but it destroys the normal ways of society. 
As you get cleaner, the brain suddenly starts to open and work properly. 
You are doing amazing work here , cleaning your brain and preparing it for the rest of your life. 
May Hashem bentch you for all the work you have put in

Hayom yom 110 to my trip. (I really thank Hashem for helping me, it's a Yeshoua I did not expect to come before I would get married...)
If I look at my clean days I would be at 180, so half a year!! BH I keep going, I see the differences between now and a year ago. Just to talk about one of it: my memory is really better. When I was younger (and still not addict), I was really good at school, remembering everything that was said in class. I couldn't explain why but when I arrived to college (before Yeshiva), I didn't manage to learn the lessons I had to which made me feel like I was not so good at school, maybe was it just easier. Actually it was the time of my life I was watching P everyday day, sometimes multiple times a day.
But during the last 6 months, I observed a real improve in my זיכרון. I remember things I said, what happen during the classes, the exact moment when I learn things.

I didn't hear about this aspect of the addiction before getting here, but P&M really spoiled what was the mos important for me: my שכל. 

simchastorah wrote on 09 Dec 2024 21:36:

Reasonable minds can differ here. And it's important to remember that there's multiple elements going into an urge: there's normal masculine drives, there's habit, there's pleasure, there's probably inner emotional stuff, etc. etc. etc. And you don't have to figure all that out to get clean.

I'm not saying, "concupisco, ergo sum" (thanks google translate). I think I mostly agree with you.

In a very real inner layer lust is something I absolutely do not want. At the same time, if I totally didn't want it then I wouldn't be doing it - generally speaking people do not choose to do something they do not want to do (leaving any discussion of addiction aside). So saying "I don't want this" is not being honest with yourself. And that may come back to bite you later, especially by making you focus on externalities instead of inner work. You have to find a resolution that applies to the part of you that wants it, in addition to strengthening the part of you that doesn't want it.

A very warm welcome, brother!

Yes, this is a haven of hope. Connection is the opposite of addiction. And so many people can attest to the miracles (freedom and cleanliness) they've experienced once they connected to others on this site. 

Reach out, if you feel ready. The captain aboard is @hhm reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. And there are so many others... Make yourself comfortable, you'll BeH also be able to be free and build a healthy marriage and home. 

P.S. The mere fact that she's willing to look past your struggles and separate you from these actions, is an unbelievable feat and very rare. Many people here struggled even after getting married, and few can say they felt that level of acceptance as you do. So feel lucky and fortunate, brother! 

All the best, 
-Yiftach

Hey
Im a regular baalabatish FFB guy and the more shocking is my story. Of course I always had a string yetzer hora and I always lived on the edge. While doing well in yeshiva high-school, being  a good bucher in yeshiva etc I always had "a dark side" - went to party, tried to get to girls etc. Long story short; got married, had kids, successful in business, buying houses, doing well socially and from the outside all is awesome.
I always had some kedusha problems, occasionally z"l, with or without porn but no addiction.
Then, randomly, I met a girl. Torally innocent, she lived nect to my office, we had a smoke and we exchanged numbers, had friendly talks, she came to watch a movie in my office and we developed a super long affair of about 8 years. We were on and off, she moved to another place, she had another relationship etc. My wife mever found out. We traveled together all the time and we had a crazy emotional and sexual bond. Sexually more than i ever had with my wife. If course there were so many phases i blamed myself, felt so guilty, looked for help, broke off. And it started over. And so many more times.
of course this led to crazy lust when i didnt have tthate"outlet".
whenever i struggle in business i figure that hashem punishes me for that. And I managed to throw her out BH.
With all the stress I very iften only fall asleep masturbating. I manage without too, but its always a struggle.
Im always onbthe edge, like to look for girls but dint really do anything. I started kpilel boker 2 years ago which changes my routine and helps.
Still GYE will help me, it alreay6helps that you're listening. And i will IYH report on my successes.