Markz wrote on 15 Oct 2020 20:07:

I’m not following... 
No one dreams of doing issurim?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Oct 2020 19:10:

“Addicts” don’t dream about it. 
“Non Addicts” dream about it when awake. 

What are you?

I think you know the answer to the question. Guys masturbate for various reasons. For most it is their self soothing pacifier for dealing with stress, rejection, loneliness, boredom, tension, low self esteem, or any emotion they don't know how to process. In addition if they see something triggering that arouses them, unless they have learned how to distract themselves, it is only a matter of time until they masturbate.

Whether or not one watches pornography to escape the above mentioned stresses (which is usually why guys watch), or because he is a ba'al ta'avah and wants to "enjoy" fake sex, or because he is curious, there is a 95% probability (or more) that he will masturbate. The arousal is just too powerful to fight for most guys.

So to say it bluntly - it is almost impossible to stop masturbating if you are still watching pornography. Turn off the access to porn, get a GYE chaver, start exercising, get an understanding of your triggers and learn to deal with them in a kosher way, and start believing that you are a good guy that Hashem still loves, and iyh you will stop masturbating.

Anonymous1051 wrote on 12 Oct 2020 05:48:

Just my experience:
getting rid of access made me have much less urges to mastubration. That’s why I’m yeshiva I would fall once or twice every zeman, but by bein hazmanim it would be much more often. Obviously there is still a struggle, but it’s been a tremendous help and first step to get a whitelist browser and a kosher phone...

Day 44:
Can’t get myself out of this vicious cycle of late nights and late “mornings”. 

Also, I’m noticing that I have been spending way too much time on this site recently. Going through full threads in one sitting...
Either way, I’m clean today, Bh.
I’m trying to think of how to celebrate my sobriety. Maybe I’ll buy myself something at 50 days.

Now I’ll go daven mincha and learn something...
See y’all later.

ITK, with your permission, I offer the following thoughts. I don't mean this as telling you what to do. This is not the place for that and it's not what I like doing. It's just that it seems that you are looking for a solution to this trick of the yetzer hora and that you want to hear how others have fought this. So that's why I write this. If that's not so, please disregard this message.

Like 15 years ago I was in a store and I heard a person telling his friend, "I'm not addicted to cigarettes! I could quit whenever I want! I just don't want to right now." 
I would bet anything that this person still smokes.
The question you have to ask yourself is when do you want to be that person who you want to be? Because if you don't decide that you want to be that person soon, you might tell yourself "tomorrow" for the rest of your life! But if you try now, then you will already be the person you want to be now!
There are things that are more important and greater to you than temptation, at least during the time of your life that you're not lusting. You have to ask yourself who you want to be. Do you want to be someone great? Then fight the battle and you'll be great (no matter whether you succeed or not).
When you want to win strong enough, you won't want to make excuses! You'll want to be the great person you can be, more than you want pleasures, and it will be easier not to make excuses.
Remember, the way to become a great person is by trying to overcome temptation. So when it's more difficult, it's a greater opportunity to become great!
C'mon, smash this yetzer hora. You got this! We're rooting for you!

Hi. I am 26 years old. I have been struggling with inappropriate content since I was in ninth grade. My well meaning father ironically got me an iPod touch as a reward for learning over the summer. After hearing my friends speak about things they had seen, I ventured into the forbidden territory. I tried stopping so many times. I made promises. I put on codes. I eventually smashed the iPod. But the Scourge always found a way back into my life. This wasn't the only front I was fighting though. I had a very low self image growing up. I felt out of place.  My family was also semi-dysfunctional and I had a very difficult OTD brother. Then when I was in twelfth grade I started having obsessive thoughts about the craziest things. My self esteem plunged even lower. I was convinced that I was sick and totally beyond help. It was so frightening. I suffered alone until I got to Israel. I finally told a Rebbi what I was going through, and he referred me to a therapist. It took me about six months to even consider the possibility that I was normal, and another six months to get to a point that I was ready to move on to the next stage. I finally went home to start shidduchim. I was convinced that I would get married right away, put my past behind me, and start a beautiful new chapter in my life. After all I had been through, surely God was not going to let me suffer anymore. But my life started spiraling downward very quickly. Being home in a toxic environment brought me back exactly to where I was before therapy. The stress and anxiety of dating was also overwhelming. I went out with the first girl until she said no to me because of my family. I wasn't sure that I wanted to marry her, but I was heartbroken. My dreams of a happily ever after were broken. Then, at the advice of a relative, I moved out of my house. My parents were hurt, confused, and angry. I was filled with guilt. I felt homeless, and I became even more depressed and anxious. It came to a point that I couldn't bring myself to date anymore. I was bouncing around therapists, hoping that someone would fix me, but not believing that they could. I eventually found a therapist who managed to convey to me that the only way out is by accepting my situation, and taking responsibility for my own life. Slowly, I started getting control of my emotions. I began to realize who I am and what I'm capable of. I even started being happy with my life and not blaming God so much for my circumstances. I started dating again, which was a huge milestone. I still had never confronted my 'habit' head on though. I felt guilty about going out and also using the internet. I read some articles about internet usage, and I realized that my habit was really an addiction. I saw the negative effects it can have on a marriage. Studies also show that it's detrimental to mental health, by causing anxiety and depression. It's time to fix up my act. I want to be clean going into marriage. I want to feel good about myself when going on dates. I want to be the best me.

Hey Meyer, sorry about the fall, but it's awesome that you went a week clean! I also see that you had longer streaks as well. That's awesome!

As to your question... My two cents is that discipline with regards to sexuality is very difficult. We see that the world has more masturbators and porn watchers then alcoholics and drug addicts. This isn't an accident. iI's because this is just a different league of challenge. What you are going through is quite common and normal, and perhaps the worse thing that you can take away from the challenge is this: that you can't succeed or that your self-control isn't great. As you noted yourself, you do succeed at things that demand a lot of self-control, but this area is VERY challenging. Perhaps the most challenging area men face. So keep your head up and if you have the ability to seek help in the form of therapy or something similar, it may be helpful to you. I know it was for me. Hope that made sense and was helpful. KOT!

You didn't mention in your post if you have a filter or not, I use to have a personal laptop that I didn't install a filter with good reasons... I need it for business, It will break my expensive laptop, if will slow down the internet, it costs money, etc etc. Eventually I saw that the majority of my falls started with me knowing that I can access all my fantasies with a few clicks, so I installed a filter on it and I must say it did help a ton for me, now it's more controllable and I can use alot of the techniques I learned on this site that I couldn't even think of using before because back then the נסיון was so strong, once I was sitting in front of my screen I didn't even have a בחירה.
In short, my experience was that installing a filter was step #1 and without that I would never be able to move on and have some decent strikes.
I wish you good luck on your journey

So true. Limiting internet and access to bad apps is a great first step and it helps a ton. But it's far from a cure-all.

I've found that this battle must be fought on many fronts. We must guard ourselves, and increase our motivation, improve our willpower, and use mindfulness and similar ideas to lessen our iimpulses. And much more.

That's why it's a good idea to read through others' posts and see what worked for them. And then try all the ideas together for a significant amount of time.

Doing this will take time and effort. But our most important wish is to get clean and stay clean. It's worth the time and effort.

Ooooh you ask a good long debated question here and I cannot give an answer.

All I can say is that throwing away your smartphone while it may be a noble thing and even the right thing (I don't know much about you so I can't say) it's not going to be a cure for all medicine.
No one here threw out their phone and poof, 90 days clean, that's just not how it works.

So what you need to do is be brutally honest with yourself about where you are holding (perhaps share it here too), while it's true that throwing away your smartphone may be one of the steps to breaking free (or not that would depend on the person) it is just one of the steps and therefore needs to be done at the proper time.

That being said, if you know that you have no need for it and you struggle with using it for inappropriate content then it's a no brainer. But don't think that afterwards the road is going to be paved in gold.

It took (is taking) me years to break free after I got rid of my smartphone, I think it's over four years now without one and I am still struggling. 

Hey there,

Been on and off this platform for the last year or so, and I would love to hear from some of the more experienced members (even if you're new I'd love to hear what you have to say).

I've been struggling for approximately the last 4 years with this issue (porn, masterbation). Although I've had clean streaks, the longest lasting 4+ months just 6 months ago (unfortunately during the covid lockdowns I ended up rolling back all that progress).

I am willing and able to give up my internet access (throw out my smartphone and use my kosher phone w/o internet access exclusively).

My question is, will that help me overcome masturbation? When I don't have internet access for a while, I've noticed that I don't act out as often.

Is masturbation connected to porn, meaning no porn, and my masterbation problem will be easier to cure? Or no, masturbation is the problem, and porn exacerbates that problem?

Please let me know what you think!
Thanks!

Welcome Youngster!

Let's begin your journey with a seemingly simple yet extraordinarily important question:

Why do you want to stop? Is it just because it's an aveira or is there more? Does the fact that it's an aveira cause you unspeakable pain? Make you feel like you are living a lie? Do you feel unfaithful to something or someone? Is this addiction causing damage in other areas of your life?

The first step is identifying the real reasons you want to stop, this way when confronted by an urge you have a powerful antidote. It's not just an esoteric piece of knowledge that it's wrong vs. tremendous desire. It's not simply an intellectual understand fending off something that easily transcends intellect. It's emotion against emotion. Now its pleasure fighting pleasure.

You must understand that your real desire, the most enjoyable pleasures and the cremé de la cremé of fantasies is to remain clean and not indulge in a few short sighted moments of fleeting pleasure .

Weigh the pros and cons, judge the advantages and disadvantages. Honestly. Now, come to a conclusion about which path will indeed cause the most pleasant outcome. Make it an understanding that when confronted with a desire to feast upon specific pleasures the response will be " Seriously? That's what I will really enjoy? Yes, maybe for a few fugacious moments, but with much longer lasting disturbing consequences. It's a futile immature attempt at happiness that will leave me with a gaping whole of guilt and frustration"!

"No, for the sake of authentic bliss I will prevail and continue fighting and remaining clean"!

Obviously it is harder than I'm making it seem, but this is an important step in planning a successful battle strategy for a successful future.

                                    Grant

YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Oct 2020 13:01:

I went through a similar situation recently (you can even check out my post about it here). 
Here was a beautiful response from @snowflake.
Snowflake wrote on 30 Jun 2020 13:42:

You need to do your best but all in all you should see how much Hashem loves you and is looking out for you to succeed.

All the best.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 05 Oct 2020 14:26:

I'm doing wonderful B"H thank you for asking. You are too! You are truly an inspiration and a role model to everyone here!

Here's an update:

I haven't watched any movies or TV shows alone for almost 90 days already. My shmiras einayim is at the highest level it ever was since I can remember and I have the strongest filters on the market. B"H!

Now my fingers are gonna run wild:

Sometimes when deciding to actively make a change it can feel overwhelming. When I decided not to watch movies or TV shows for 90 days it was incredibly overwhelming. I mean, I was seriously addicted. But as time passes the desire lessens. (There are difficult moments here and there, but overall it's easier). People feel discouraged because they judge how they are going to feel months down the line, with how they feel now. It can seem insurmountable and mindblowingly painful, "How can a survive this pain for x amount of days, or forever"? but the truth is as time goes on the perspective changes with it and it does get easier.

When I started watching my eyes in the street a few months ago, it was one of the most torturous things (in this area) I ever had to do. I didn't feel as guilty because "it doesn't feel" as bad as other things. Sights are everywhere. Even tznius woman are incredibly attractive, and not indulging in second glances, not fantasizing, not mentally calculating and imagining things when being bombarded with it at impossible rates was something I didn't feel capable of overcoming. I remember thinking that its physically impossible. I said "Hashem! I Can't!", then after a few days it got even harder! I felt ready to bust, but I continued fighting with whatever strength I had left. Incredibly after a few weeks, it started to get easier and easier. Now its second nature to look away. Yes sometimes there is something that catches me at a weak moment. I may even look twice, or thrice, or...and my mind hops on the express train, but it happens. As a whole the previously insurmountable barrier is now just a small crack in the sidewalk I must (and do) avoid.

All these small changes like giving up movies, watching eyes in the street, stronger filters, seem like small "side" things that a person will worry about "when he's on "that" level", but in truth these seemingly innocent things cause the more serious too. They trigger us constantly causing us to need a release- causing trouble, causing us to be irritable to our spouses and causing trouble in the bedroom, and so on. Like the GYE handbook says, these go hand in hand.

B"h I've learned from my slips and falls and use them as a learning experience and factor them in to the plan in the future.

I remind myself as often as I can why I want to be clean and prepare myself mentally for when I will be caught off guard and tempted, where the worst falls happen, to be ready and not to give in. Preparing for those situations helps me respond properly instead of my brain basically turning to mush and letting a different part of my body be at the wheel.

I'd like to give a big appreciation to GYE and all of you guys for helping, guiding and showing me the beauty of being sparkling clean and that's its possible.

                                  Grant