https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/399000-My-long-journey?limit=15&start=45#422020

Good start is The Battle of The Generation

Good Luck !!!

Hello to all, I’m a religious studies student and was very curious to see this approach on breaking free from pornography. I’ve come to terms with understanding my ways of coping with anxiety and stress, and I want to learn more about Jewish resources that assist or discuss such.
I’m big on reading Jewish resources (big fan of Artscroll’s stuff), so if anyone has any good book recommendations — please feel free to share. Don’t hesitate, even if you think I’m not ready for it — I definitely am open and welcome all types of book recommendations.
Thank you.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Man to psychiatrist: Everyone, without exception, thinks that I'm a liar.
Psychiatrist: I find that difficult to believe!

Kid calls up school principal.
Kid: "Hi, my son is sick today. He won't be able to come to school".
Principal: "Who is this?"
Kid: "It's my father".

Shampoo instructions can be really bad for folks with OCD:
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Uh oh.

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a
study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder.
The response was gratifying; they got 3,879 responses one hour after
the ad came out.
All from the same person.

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

An 87 year old guy gets pulled over by the cops for doing 96 in a 65MPH zone.
The 87 year old guy begs the cop to let him go before he forgets were he was heading.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not --------- in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . .. Having a driver's license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not --------- in your pants.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale can not swallow a human; it is physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Nine-year-old Robert returns from school one day filled with excitement.
"Daddy," he exclaims. "Today I was chosen to have a part in the annual school production. I will be playing the role of a Jewish husband."
"Go back to them," declares the angry father, "and tell them that you want a speaking part."

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

There's a dropout named Bobby and a super genius named Greg sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the dropout and says, "Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you 50 bucks."
The dropout says, "Alright, man."
The genius asks the dropout, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?"
The dropout replies, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.
"Okay," the dropout says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"
The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the dropout 50 bucks then asks, "So, what is the answer?"
The dropout says, "I don't know." and hands the genius five bucks.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

A well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink
When he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have
to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."
This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for
everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So Peter says to the barman, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered..
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high .

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why in the world did you buy 6 cartons of milk?!"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa. Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When a chemist dies, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

The phone rings at the circus director. "Hello, I'm a talking horse and would like to appear in your circus."
"That's surely a joke," he says and hangs up. A moment later the phone rings again and he hears the same sentence. At once he hangs up. As the phone rings once more, the circus director picks up again and hears the same voice: "Please do not hang up again, it's so hard to dial the number with my hoof."

Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see 'what's what.'
"So where are you?" she angrily asks Moishe. "I thought we were shopping together."
"Don't get broyges, darling," replies Moishe. "Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?"
"Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"
"Well I'm in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream."

Understanding Yeshiva Signs

(Please supplement)
As you all know, lawyers were invented by the Jews. After all, we were the first ones to see things in a word (or lack thereof), letter, or vowelization. In fact, those playing the "Blame the Jews Game" also decided to blame us for deforestation (that's the fact that too many trees are being cut down to make shtenders, seforim, and paper- See The Yeshiva Writing Gemach's calculation on how many trees' worth of paper is used every day by Yeshivos all over) , because we were the ones who forced them to include a 15 page legal document with everything that is sold to the public. So, an outsider who enters one of our Yeshivos may have difficulty understanding some of the signs. So this article is intended to clarify some of them.

"GEMACH"- Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean "Please Take" or even "Please Use This to Litter Our Beis Medrash". It actually means "Please Borrow", and in some cases you may have to sign the item out. And in the long run, it means "Please return, eventually". And possibly "Use only in emergencies, and provide your own non-emergencies."

"Please do not remove"- This means please do not be the one to remove the sign. Rather, wait for someone else to remove the sign, even though the sign says not to.

"Please do not bring coffee cups into the Beis Medrash under any circumstances" - I have no idea what this one means, being that I have never seen anyone doing anything different when they read this sign.


"והמבין יבין" - Self explanatory.

"Do not write on this sign" - This is לאפוקי every other sign in Yeshiva, on which you will see comments, hagaos, questions, and answers, written by all the bochurim in the Yeshiva. This notice is not always a deterrent.

"It is dangerous and a fire hazard to cook in the dormitories. Any utensils will be confiscated." - Self explanatory. A bochur is not expected to be capable of cooking without burning down the building. Therefore, if you are an exception, please hide your utensils when not using them.

Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"


A man dies and his 3 best friends, Shlomo, Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.
Patrick says, "He was such a good friend to me that I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws $200 in $20 bills into the coffin.
Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that," and he also throws $200 in bills into the coffin.
Shlomo says, "What cheap-skates you both are. I'm ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him $1,000."
Shlomo then writes out a check for $1,400, throws it in and takes the $400 in change out of the coffin.

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the Hilton. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in the States when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
himpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right..'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires.'
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I don't know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?" So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don't have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don't speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, "Oy Vay Zmir, I don't speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language." Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot."
The other candidate answers, "Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza."


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 02 Jan 2025 19:32:

I apologize profusely if my tone came across as lecturing. My words were honestly not directed at you per say, I was just trying to project the general idea. I definitely never would comment on your Mashpia, especially since I don't know who he is, but I think that I made it quite clear (in bold now), that multi talented people are out there that do wear both hats. I'm truly happy for you that you've discovered one of these special individuals. My post reflected my own personal experience. The person I look up to in my life, is someone who I've been privileged to absorb much from in the past and continue to do soon a constant basis. I think that he's G-d's gift to humanity for many reasons, I admire him to no end. That being said, in this area, I've received very little if any direction. It might be because I was afraid to ask, I do feel the need to have him think of me in a certain way. He doesn't know about my past, and I would honestly be uncomfortable sharing it with him. He does inspire me to no end, but until I came to GYE, I was floundering. I'm sure that there are many here that can relate. That's the context my words were written from. Again, my sincere apologies.

amevakesh wrote on 01 Jan 2025 19:14:

Dearest amevakesh & YKW, I do appreciate that you’re responding to my post but I feel very misunderstood and I hate feeling misunderstood… I hope you understand : ) 

The feeling I’m getting when reading both of your responses is as follows: “Mr. dreamyunicorn has been struggling for years with P&M and instead of doing the real inner work he’s gotten involved with some Mashpia and gets pumped up by his words of Chizzuk which keeps him clean for a while but once the high settles down he’s back to square one. But even more so, this itself is keeping him away from doing the real work because he thinks he’s already doing it. Let’s wake up Mr. unicorn from his dream and knock some sense into him…”

First off, that post is merely a brief outline of my life and struggle where I’m saying that once upon a time I used to be a humongous mess, and after years of therapy and after I found this Mashpia I slowly started becoming less and less of a humongous mess. I’m not saying that this is the approach I took to healing, nor am I taking a stance on the issue of  “Healing from P&M - The Mashpia Approach vs The Two Pronged Approach”.

The fact is that through this Mashpia I became a much healthier person in every area of my life; including lust. It’s just the fact. If you can’t imagine a Mashpia having such an effect, either stop projecting your idea of a Mashpia on to my Mashpia or I’m willing to give up the term Mashpia and call him something else - Dentist perhaps. In any case, please don’t discount what I’m saying about the “real” progress I made.

As for this low I reached after 3 years that I didn’t think was possible, wasn’t about P&M; it was about my mental health and Yiddishkeit in general. I don’t think any program related to P&M could have prevented that.

Anyways, I agree with both of you on all the things you're saying I just don't think this would be your response if you would have read my post with more care. I’m guilty of it too sometimes.

i thuoght escaping can help in the way sobering up can help overcome addiction, it releives your mind of the stress in order to allow you to think clearly about handling stress. Sorry short on time, more to follow.

youknowwho wrote on 28 Nov 2024 15:51:

Loved this post, and I wanted to comment on it for a while. There are many sources that demonstrate that תורה, עבודה and יראת שמים all are effective ways of combating the YH. Probably the most famous is the 'גמ that says בראתי יצר הרע בראתי תורה תבלין. Yet, we find that there are so many people who’s existence is in the world of תורה and מוסר/חסידות, yet they continue to struggle. While they’re actually on a high from their עבודה they’re okay, but when the high wears off, they sometimes find themselves back in the mud, wondering why the infusion of תורה and יראת שמים wasn’t effective in weakening the YH. Sometimes a dynamic משפיע helps people find a path in 'עבודת ה that resonates deeply with their נשמה, but ultimately after a while the effect on the struggle often tends to dissipate over times as the YH creeps back bit by bit. Again, what happened to everything חז"ל taught us about how involvement in רוחניות is an effective way of getting rid of the YH?

וי"ל כאן קודם החטא, כאן לאחר החטא. Undoubtedly, a mind that’s filled with קדושה, won’t desire, or have the need to be stimulated by the pleasure that the YH offers. In the famous words of the רמב"ם at the end of איסורי ביאה where he writes גְּדוֹלָה מִכָּל זֹאת אָמְרוּ יַפְנֶה עַצְמוֹ וּמַחֲשַׁבְתּוֹ לְדִבְרֵי תּוֹרָה וְיַרְחִיב דַּעְתּוֹ בַּחָכְמָה שֶׁאֵין מַחְשֶׁבֶת עֲרָיוֹת מִתְגַּבֶּרֶת אֶלָּא בְּלֵב פָּנוּי מִן הַחָכְמָה. The program that 'ה set up for us is enough to fill a person with satisfaction, any other indulgence pales in comparison to what a תורה filled life has to offer. Once the true pleasure of רוחניות is experienced, nothing else can compare. The nature of spirituality, is such that it when he is truly filled with it, it fills him with a sense of accomplishment and contentment that actually negates the desire to look for other stimuli. Problem is, that it’s very hard, perhaps impossible to maintain a spiritual high at all times. The way we are wired is that we trek our way through עליות and ירידות. There are ימי אהבה and ימי שנאה. If a person has never tasted the sweet taste of sin, he can probably manage to combat the fleeting temptations, by falling back on the general satisfaction he derives from living a תורה true lifestyle. This should usually be sufficient to get the YH off his back.

However once a person has already experienced טעם חטא, he now has taught himself that there’s an extremely effective way to numb pain and escape from reality whenever the going gets tough. The best a Mashpia usually will do for someone, is provide a path in רוחניות that strongly resonates with his followers. This works well as long as he’s on fire, but when that fire wanes (which it inevitably will), and the void(s) resurface, he will unfortunately resort to his pacifier distract himself. Rare is the Mashpia that actually helps a follower go through the arduous journey of weaning himself off his pacifier. It’s tedious, difficult work that requires experience, which the Mashpia might not necessarily have. 

Additionally, as YKW pointed out, what happens sometimes, is that since the individual was inspired and thinks that all his problems were solved, when the inspiration wears off, he will hit the bottom much harder then before, not understanding why the newly attained “spiritual high” hasn’t saved him from sin. He’s left floundering, flailing, and desperately let down by the savior who he thinks has failed him. 

Please don’t take this as a knock on Mashpiim. They do what they’re supposed to do, which is to guide someone in their 'עבודת ה. What probably works best for most people is a two pronged approach where one has the Mashpia to fill him with spirituality, and someone else in his life that understands him and the סוגיא well, so that he can help extricate him from his addiction, habits or any other negative behaviors. Often the Mashpia will be someone will be someone that can wear both hats, but this second hat, will require much more time and patience, so that he can guide him with a tailor made plan that works for him. Lucky is the person that has found the Mashpia that speaks to entire person, both the רוחניות and the healing part of his journey, but for those that haven’t, reaching out for help from other sources might necessary to fully heal.

You have to speak with a doctor about medication. I think that in Israel they are only approved for sexual abusers. As was posted already, most of us have regular hormone levels just like everyone else. Generally speaking, GYE, or SA if needed, can help us overcome our desires and there is no need for medication. Also, if someone is married it will interfere with his marriage and if he is single and takes medication he will probably end up married and off of medication without a solution. Most of the medications in the first post are given for psychiatric illnesses and they have a side effect that they reduce sexual drive or function but I don't think that these medications are used to treat sexual addictions. I am not a doctor or professional so don't rely on what I wrote.

Just an update.
Things are still very tough but I have been putting a lot of thought into this together with discussions with some of the greats here on GYE.
Here is what I came up with. I would love if anyone has some other ideas or comments, corrections etc.

In the vaad (still highly recommended!!) we were discussing the benefits and detriments of streaks. The benefit is obvious. As long as one is on the streak it is a huge  boost of momentum to keep going. The flip side is just as obvious. If he falls, he can feel like all that work is gone and  all the way at the bottom gain with nothing to show for all the efforts. It can be really demoralizing that may discourage one from trying again. one may feel he does not have the ability to try again. I have long stated and I have seen  and heard others say the same. Those who were able to just turn on a switch and desist from all these bad behaviors are truly great people. They are an inspiration! What I am even more impressed from is one who tries, goes a little bit (or more the a little) then falls again and still gets up and starts again. still believing he can do it despite the setback! That is off the charts!!

Next.
I have been asked by a a few people privately why I am so scared of this , more then any aveira. To the point that my blood pressure rises by every women I pass. I am not walking around all day scared to speak, lest I speak c"v Lashon Hara Though I have a few different reasons that I believe is all true, I will state one of them here. The Prisha on the Tur  and the Taz on shulchan aruch both say and I and probably many others can say from their experiences the same thing. The aveiros in these inyanim are the hardest to break free from. I will speak for my self as I know that for sure to be  by me.  I am not a habitual lashon hara speaker. Do I occasionally slip and speak lashon hara? Yes. Do I more times then not refrain? Yes. I am not emotionally attached to  any forbidden speech I may utter. To be more direct: I do not doubt my ability to refrain from lashon hara, and do teshuva if I c"v fell short. Inyanei kedusha, and p &m  in particular I am emotionally attached to. The feeling  that I feel when doing these things are extremely strong. It is almost addictive. ( Yes, I asked a HHM if I need SA  and I was told no b"h). In short, I am a habitual p&m person. I was doing these things (almost) every day and often multiple times a day. I really doubt my ability to break free for good! Hence, when I am on a streak and I see a women who presents another challenge, I view it as potentially not just the end of a streak but the end of my attempt to clean up my act for good.

In a few words :  I AM TOO SCARED TO FAIL! 
Because I doubt my  ability to get back up and be matzliach.

So I have to find that fine line. Where I view the aveira as the worst thing (it is) before it happens. And if c"v it does happen, I should not view as my ride is over. I have to believe that if I fall c"v I have the ability to rise again and clean up for good. And that what I did accomplish  is not for waste but rather will be helpful in the fight going forward. Of course teshuva must be done for the fall but it should not be viewed as a mission impossible or an insurmountable obstacle. But rather a bump on the road to freedom!

Of course, I hope not to fall but to be prepared if I do c"v. This will take a long time to truly get to such a frame of mind but knowledge is empowering so I hope to get to work on that. 
If anyone has any ideas how to get to that frame of mind I would love to hear!

Thank you all for your support!

Ok Challenge accepted. How did I do it?

I listened to Meaningful Minute's podcast with the founders of GYE. I had opened an account a year beforehand but never used it. After listening to the podcast I decided to write my first post. I felt good and lasted two weeks, rummaging around on GYE. Than Motzei Shabbos hit, 2 weeks in, and I couldn't hold back. I had access to an unfiltered laptop. Not only did I watch porn that night, I signed up to one of these chat websites, and I literally felt if I could I would take it to the finish line. I felt so sick with myself. I reach out to someone who advises on the 12 step program and we spoke about whether I'm an addict. I thought yes, he felt probably not. He suggested to call HHM. I did. HHM gave me his time and more. Answered my calls at all hours of day/night, and even came to visit me. Knowing that I needed to answer to him every night is really what kept me from failing. He really cares, made himself a friend and mentor, and especially coming to visit me made an impression. I felt that I couldn't let him down. There were times that were really difficult. There were days that I was under extreme stress, due to circumstances in my life. I really wanted to masturbate or watch, just once, but I held back. And the few times I really reached the edge and almost "pulled the plug" I called HHM and he gave me chizuk to keep on chugging. So that is how I did it, and with the help of Hashem and through His tzaddik of a shliach HHM I will Bezras Hashem continue to do it! Continue to grow. There is still work to be done. "Hayom Lasoisam, U'lmachor L'kabel Zcharom"

As an aside, I also made sure every device in my home is filtered, and smashed and threw out and old phone sitting around. 

In regards to ttrigges (aka women) Ive learned to fixate my eyes on something else when walking by [without looking like a total fool]. Obviously coworkers are harder. I still struggle there much more, but it works to constantly remind yourself that they are human beings who have feelings, and they would be truly disgusted - (shocking) - if they knew you were thinking of them sexually.

Rabbosai, There is hope! Never ever give up!

I realize this is a forum to help you.  By showing empathy to your wife you ARE helping yourself by fixing your relationship, establishing trust and empowering safety. 
The Help Her Heal formula contains eight elements. 
1. Acknowledge how she feels: She feels not good enough, pretty enough, etc. Otherwise why would you be looking at other women? 
2. Validate her feelings: I can see that this has caused you to doubt yourself
3. Contain her feelings:  What can I do to make you feel safe and build trust back? 
4. Stay present: Do it !
5. Create an environment for safety: Don't push for more intimacy until she is ready.
6. Reassure her of your intentional changes:  I intend to do whatever it takes to build trust back and make you feel safe again. 
7. Restore your own self-esteem: Use a self-forgiveness script, see a therapist to help boost your self-esteem, be more decisive, you are not your addiction, you are much more. 
8. Maintain integrity:  Keep working on recovery and show her you're working, without showing her THE work, unless you want to.  Be upfront and honest about your struggles. 

Dear All

Thank you so much for all your heartfelt messages. Although I wasn't so active on here, you guys gave me a lot of strength. Let me update you :-)

While I had a couple of days where I was really frustrated and failed with M I do think I'm making progress. No P at all and managed to avoid falling back in the patterns of physical meetings. 

Colincolin - you're very right, it's some sort of adrenalin / addiction and I'd like to get some therapy for that.

Once again thank you so much to alll!!!

@freekoala

One thing I deduce from your posts is that you are addicted to adrenaline and the thrill of illicit activity.

I think you should get some sort of addiction counselling.

And some way of adding healthy positive and enjoyable activities into your daily life, to replace the thrill seeking.

> Friends... This time it's not a joke at all. I'm not going to play games with you, and I'm not going to dramatize. But I'm no longer in this world... My soul left my body a few hours ago, forever...

> I can't explain to you what I went through in the last few hours... because you will never understand. It's not possible for a living person to understand, and I wish you from the depths of my heart (wait... I don't have a heart anymore, I'm just a soul) – that you never have to go through this. But for me, it seems it was unfortunately destined.

> The hardest part of all was the cries of my little children, and the Kaddish of my children. I thought I was dying again in the coffin when I saw my new son-in-law – whom I barely got to know – help my heartbroken young son say "Yitgadal v'yitkadash sh'meiha rabba..."

> At the eulogies they recited for me, I felt like I was dying for the third time... I was so ashamed... If they only knew the truth about who I was... Maybe they knew but tried to hide it for the sake of the family's honor? Maybe, I don't know.

> I'm standing here now in this desolate world, in this place of emptiness. In the coming minutes, I will be brought before the Heavenly Court, where my entire life will be reviewed... Ouch... I'm crying... I don't know where to turn in shame.

> I don't know if I will be punished... because I did it unintentionally, I can truly swear that I didn't want to end up there, but I was truly in chains. Maybe they will have mercy on my poor soul.

> But maybe they will severely reprimand me for not seeking help... There were times when people who knew about my terrible deeds begged me to immediately enter recovery and seek help, but I didn't think it was for me. I wasn't sure if I could handle it or if it aligned with my beliefs, etc.

> I could have consulted with a religious scholar. And I know very well what the ruling would have been: if I know what is good for me, I should immediately rush to the rooms for the meetings and work on a recovery program for the rest of my life.

> But I was so ashamed...

> But now I'm even more ashamed. I feel so bad for my innocent wife and children.

> Instead, I diligently studied after every failure, something I should have done, and I can't say I regret it, but certainly not instead of recovery... What kind of foolishness did I commit...

> It happened a short time ago, when I was unfortunately infected with the dangerous STD disease in one of the lowest places where my addiction brought me in my life, and it very quickly transformed into AIDS, which, as everyone knows, has no cure, and like a candle, I extinguished.

> I am so relieved that they were able to identify it in time before I transmitted it to my own wife – and killed her, but there was nothing that could be done for me.

> Around my sick bed, the family members discussed that when I die, the story will be that I died of a heart attack... I wish they would tell the truth... At least other people will know, so they don't die the way I died...

> I have nothing more to write. And if I didn't have mercy on the honor of my family and my children, I would have written my name and my father's name here so that if someone is awakened by my words to do what is right to help themselves, they should do it as a favor for my soul... Maybe I will be forgiven more easily that way...

> Wait...

> What are these thousands of angels flying towards me??? Do they mean me? Oh... yes... I hear my name being called.... Oh dear..... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... I'm going... Pray for me.........

> I stand here next in line, my story is not much different from my predecessor, but we are very different in age... While he was blessed with some joy in life, I am only in my mid-twenties... I sanctified my dear wife just a few short years ago, I had everything I needed at home, I had everything worth living for, but unfortunately, I let myself be seduced.....

> I can't recover from the strange cries she made at the funeral... She had to be injected several times to calm her down... What will she do alone with the two little babies? Will they be able to grow up normally without a father???

> In my wildest dreams, it never occurred to me that it could happen to me too... It's not that I didn't know that the chance of getting the disease existed... But I knew for a fact from the Google searches I did that it's less than 1% to get it...

> But unfortunately, I was one of the unlucky ones. I lost everything, my chance to live, to have a home, joy, etc., everything that all my friends have with life and lust...

> The most that I mourn is that I also knew very well about recovery... And I had one of my friends with whom I used to jokingly try to drag him there with all our might, but I thought I was too young, and I still had time.

> But I remained young forever...

> Out of great sorrow, I didn't even try to apologize to my closest people, whom I caused so much pain, and left them an open wound for life.

> I am ready for anything, as long as my soul can at least rise to the resurrection of the dead and I don't have to go away forever.

> Dear friends, please don't be angry at my fantasies, because it is unfortunately two true stories that happened only in the past year with two young Hasidic Jewish youths from the most religious neighborhoods in the Haredi community.

> If I could, I would have written more details, but as everyone understands, it's not good, and that's not the goal. But I give you my word that this is true and accurate 100%.

> The two of them, unfortunately, passed away prematurely from the terrible HIV/AIDS disease, which is unfortunately contracted in those kinds of places (and so on).

> Whether the letters they wrote are true, you know the answer yourself, but the story is true, and my opinion, which knows very little, tells me that this is more or less what they would have had to say from that world – from the true world.

> If anyone wants to enjoy the horror, the drama, and further weave what they would have said or thought, it's actually a pity, because only the fear will probably not help anyone and for nothing if you don't do something in practice.

> But know that sex addiction is not a game, and it's not a joke, and it can very quickly lead to such places if it's not taken care of.

> To end on a good note, the נעשכיזער was a good Jew, and Meyer-Zimes is a good dish, and sex addiction is a very bitter disease.