dear jw8, you've come to the right place. EVERYONE here has gone through what you're going through, and i mean everyone. you are not alone.there is everything here to help you - phone support, tips, and posting. it's a difficult task you have ahead of you, but there are people here on this site who will pull you up the mountain.you have an addiction.it never goes away, there is no cure for an addiction.i'm not telling you this to make you depressed - it's just a fact. but with the people here, you will be able to control it.join the phone group - dont go it alone - you will not succeed. it's too powerful a pull - you need people, people like those on this forum who care about you because you are our brother.i am at almost 60 days without mas.... which is really unbelievable when you consider that i'm trying to break a 38 - year old habit.so dont give up, stick with the forum, and you WILL be helped!! jack                                     

I have been looking at pornograpy since I was about 12 years old, and masterbating since I was about 13. I come from a frum home and went to modern orthodox schools where in High School doing these things were very common place and spoken about without shame. Guys would talk about sites they visited and girls they saw, and it not big deal. In my senior year, I was so enslaved to my yetser hara that I went to a strip club. After I went I felt so guilty it made me sick. I could not function for the next tewenty four hours like a normal person, I just wanted to cry. I never went again, but the masterbation and pornography continued. I went to Israel for two years and I stopped doing it. What I thought was impossible wasn't. In high school it would be a big deal if I did not look at porn for a week, now I went almost two years. In Israel, the Rabbeim always warned us not to let our guard down, but I was so sure after getting into serious learning and avodas Hashem, I would never do it again. It got to a point that if i was reading a sports magazine and a picture of a girl would come up, it would be my natural reaction to turn away immediatelly and I was so proud of myself and my relationship with God. I was learning well and felt good about myself and things were running smoothy. When I got back to America in the Summer I was still very careful. I would rarely watch anything on TV but Sports. As time went on I became a little more leniant with myself and watched some tv shows, but nothing too bad. One night I watched my first movie in almost two years and it had a innapropriate scene., At first I turned away, then I just could not control myself any longer and watched. I then switched from that movie and watched pornography and masterbated. After I did so, I could not beleive what I had done. I kept saying to myself "you idiot, you went so long, why did you give in." Once I gave in once though it was all downhill. I started doing it more gradually but still felt very guilty and I was still strict on myself in other areas of Judaism. I was still davening and learning well but I just could not beat this one test. However as time went on I started to feel less and less guilty about doing it. Once that happened I became more lazy about my learning, then eventually my davening. I have never told anyone about my addiction but everybody that I know sees that I'm less serious about my avodas Hashem. I sometimes make innapropriate jokes that I never made before and am less cautius about how people percieve my religious observance. I think in a way this is because some part of me wants to tell someone what happened but I just cannot do so. Now a few years removed from Israel, I am still an observant Jew but one who does'nt take it so seriously. I now masterbate around four times a week but think about it seven times a week, and even the internet is not enough for me now because I have been having thoughts about going back to a strip club. I have this insatiable desire that has destroyed most of my relationship with God including my learning and davening. While I no longer feel guilty about each time I do it, as a whole I feel very bad about myself as a person. I want to start dating soon but I feel that it is not fare to any girl that I date because of my addiction. I feel as if I am portraying myself to her as something that I am not and do not want to do that. I want to live a serious Torah life and learn seriously but I do not act like I think and just have a low self esteem becuase of it. What is even worse is I hide all my feelings and it is just bottled up and I just want to tell someone but I just cannot. I've seen a link to this site before but this is my first time ever posting. I just think that if I continue down this point too much further I wont be able to come back. I beleive I am addicted like someone would be addicted to smoking. If I need to study for an ezam(I am in College) I often cannot study until I masterbate and clear my mind. I know it sounds horrible and it makes me feel horrible. Last night I did not daven Maariv at all and spent about a half hour searching sites and then went to sleep feeling empty. I am posting this blog because I need to tell someone but am too embarrased to have people know who it is. I truly want help and want to get my religious life back on track. If you have any insights or suggestions or can relate to my experiences please reply to this post. You will really be helping me out. I actually have tears in my eyes as I finish this off and this really is all from the heart of a soul who is enslaved to absolutely disgusting things. Thank you for reading.

In my opinion you should get rid of your laptop and if you have a choice install a filter on your home computer.  You should not be browsing your home computer at all during bein hazmanim or find a way to make sure that your browsing is public at home.

It you don’t stop your activities now you are on your way to becoming a full blown addict and trust me you don’t want to go there.  It seems that you were able to control yourself well under certain circumstances, and you need to keep those circumstances in place all the time, Filtered, monitored or better yet no computer access. 

It is precisely this issue which probably made you more vulnerable to addiction in the first place. One of the leading causes of addiction is a feeling of an inner void. This can be brought about by low self-esteem, child hood trauma, or people who suffer from anxiety or depression. Anyone of these can cause a person, often from a young age already, to seek "self-soothing" behaviors to "medicate" the dark feeling in their subconscious. A person may not even be aware of this, but that is what made him susceptible to the addiction in the first place, more than other people. And that is why therapy is a very important aspect in breaking free. A person needs to work through their deep subconscious issues with a professional. It is hard - if not impossible, to probe one's own subconscious.

See our therapy page, and find someone in your area trained to deal with sexual addiction and low-self esteem. Also, Rabbi Twerski wrote almost 50 books on the issue of self-esteem. Look into buying some of them.

G-d luck!

I think 6 months is worthy of the recovery page, although once you are on that page - you an Achrayus never to fall back again! (We have someone who just reached 90 days and we put him on the recovery page).

The fact that you have trouble dealing with women is unfortunately something that may never go away. Anyone who was once addicted to these things may be easily triggered for many years. It's a disease. But we learn to control it. Kind of like someone has a thyroid disease. It never goes away, but as long as he takes the pill each day, he's fine. With the help of the site, forum and sometimes even therapy, we learn to control it and it becomes 100 times easier to deal with. However, it may never fully go away. This is what we were given by Hashem. And actually, it's a gift. Because once we learn the techniques and are able to turn away from bad every day, we never stop growing closer to Hashem. If it would just "go away" the game would be over. But Hashem has too much Nachas Ruach from the love we show him each time we turn away from bad. That's why he doesn't just "take it away", even after we've made great progress.

I grew up with a low self-esteem as well as this addiction that began in my younger teenage years. I know that many of my peers presented a higher self-esteem. I wonder if they had an easier time with this addiction as a result of their higher esteem. There's no question that one of the great tricks of the Yetzer Hara is to highlight the animalistic side of us and to tell us how little we are worth, when in truth we are worth a lot more. Take a moment to answer this poll as it can reveal an interesting fact about this addiction.

Eme, it gets easier as you put more distance between you and the addiction. See this page.

BTW. I forget. What's the status with you on filters? We need a strong one in place to really heal. Otherwise, their will be weak moments in the future. It can't be so close and so easy.

debbiesteinerwins wrote on 29 Oct 2008 16:48:


You are not supposed to challenge the yetzter hara. I think Dovid Hamelech tried it and lost.

It is wonderful that you are working on this now! I wish I had addressed this problem when I was younger too. I sometimes wonder what we can do to help young teens from getting addicted to masturbation in the first place? The availability of provocation/triggers gets more rampant each day with the internet, iphones, terrible billboards, the way women walk around (even very frum ones). This website is a start but there needs to be more, I think from the Rabeim & Parents. I wasn't talked to about this until I was caught 2 years after I was already addicted. I bet most don't realize it is an addiction similar to alcoholism. I didn't fully associate the two until I found this website a few days ago and I have years of misuse behind me!

I disagree. I think he should test himself and speak to this girl in order to conquer the lust he feels. By avoiding her and just running away, he is admitting that he is weak and his will power (remember that keter which means "pure will" is the highest sephira, and is something that we all must aspire to) needs to be able to conquer it. What if he has a coworker that is attractive, or a boss that is attractive, is he expected to run away at every turn? What if you are in line at the grocery store and the girl there is attractive and you want to speak to her. You going to also run away then? That is no way to live and it becomes impossible to conduct a normal life with this attitude of simply running away and leaving.

I know from my own addictions that it is impossible to simply run away from these things, and that sooner or later one must conquer the yetzer harah. The only way to conquer it is to meet it head on and teach yourself how to interact in normal society without doing things that are wrong.

i'm usually soft-spoken, but there are times when i speak out, and i just saw a story that influenced me to speak my mind. there is a place selling sheitels that look like sarah palin's hairdue! are we jews, or are we something else? addiction is one thing, but trying to imitate others is something else entirely.and many years ago, i was in a kosher chinese restaurant with someone who didn't keep kosher. he told me they dyed the ends of the meat red to look like pork! why must we imitate them? why must we eat kosher bacon bits? why must we eat kosher shrimp? or look like sarah palin?
today is day 55 no zera levatala. but my eyes are wandering like crazy - this is my next task. jack

MW,

Your struggle is all too common amongst the contributers to this site. I started using this site when it was launched and have been a different person ever since. Yes, I have had slip ups and have not always had the best of weeks but prior to this site, all I had was myself and my very own gloomy guilt.

The thing is, everyone of us without exception has thought to themselves at some stage right after sinning that when time for reckoning comes we will stand before the Aibishter and say 'you gave me a battle that you knew i coundn't win. Dont blame me G-d, blame him the yetzer hara'.

Those very thoughts are the fine art of the the Yetzer Hara. He knows very well that we're bound to think that way -that why he makes it so easy for us to sin cos we'll not even blame ourselves!

One of the first steps in recovery of any sort is to recognise that what you are doing is wrong. Repetition of a bad thing makes it easier to stomach the next time you do it.

I applaud you for taking the first steps in rectifying the past and starting out for a cleaner purer future. The Y'H is depressed that you got in touch with this site because now your part of a caring family that only want you to be a better person.

All of us here want to see you beat the addiction that we're all trying to beat. We all want to help each other when the going gets tough. We all appreciate that sometimes when we dont post for a while it's because we're embarassed cos we've been acting out. It's not fine to act out. No-one here will tell you its ok to sin. We'll all tell you that slip-ups can be expected but no-one is giving it a hechsher!

by the way, ive been clean from before Rosh Hashana!

Keep up the good work,

Menachem

In Koheles, Chapter 11:9
Rejoice, Young man in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth, and walk in the ways of your heart, and in THE SIGHT OF YOUR EYES, but know that for all these things Hashem will bring you to judgment.

Part of me says "if I only can do it one more time" that will save me.  Look one more time.  go to that place one more time.  I can't stand it anymore, I have to act out."  That is my addiction talking.  How do I overcome this?  I ask myself, "Do I really want to go back to secretly sneaking around, lying to my family, covering myself up so no one will see me. ?  Do I really want to go through this pain of withdrawal all over again." NOOOOOO!!!!!! 

But somehow in the past 9 years I have hit bottom 3 times. Once I let my guard down, stop talking to my friends, stop going to meetings, stop reading, it's easy to rationalize and say, "I can do this on my own."
(hitting bottom means, you do something so awful that you, yourself, could not fathom every THINKING of doing such a thing, and now you've done it)

What's the answer?  Koheles gives it to us in THE VERY NEXT POSUK.  Listen carefully.

10: Therefore, remove anger (resentment, fear) from your heart, and put away eveil from your flesh, for childhood and youth are vanity.  HEVEL!

This is the answer guys.  Remove resentment, fear and anger from your heart.  Resentment is our #1 cause of falling. Think about it.  Did you ever do this when you felt on top of the world, that the world was yours and everything was going great.  You had no worries?  I doubt it.  If you have, I'd like to hear your story.

Cheshbon Hanefesh for us means writing down 10 people, things, institutions, political parties, ideas, beliefs, values THAT YOU RESENT.  Next, for each one, write down what is causing that resentment?
(they did xyz to me, they talk too much, they're arrogant, obnoxious, SOBs, etc.).

There is the next step which makes it all go away:
3.  This affects my? ambition, self esteem, personal relationships, emotional well being.  Write down.

4. THE KEY: forget about everyone and everything involved and write down What Part YOU did to help cause the situation or make it worse.  Were you:
    a. Selfish
    b. dishonest
    c.  fearful
    d. inconsiderate

We're not talking about emotional, physical, or sexual abuse here.  those need PROFESSIONAL HELP.
We're talking about everyday annoyances that we blow up way out of proportion and it affects us.

I invite you to share because the more we see similarities the sooner we'll heal.  This exercise is key to your recovery.  Need a Jewish resource?  Cheshbon Hanefesh.

Amazing!  We all know how hard it is to pull away right in the middle....

Please, take what guardureyes said about filters with the seriousness it deserves. Don't let the YH tell you that you don't need a filter for any reason. There is no reason that I can think of to not have a internet filter on your computer. I recommend K9 (www.k9webprotection.com/). Its simple and easy to use.

At first, i tried to convince myself that I didnt need a filter, that I could look without going all the way. It just doesnt work like that. Its an addiction, just like guardureyes said. I wouldn't even have access to the filter password. I guess it would be like giving an alcoholic the keys to a locked fridge. The lock isnt much of a barrier when it can be opened whenever the alcoholic wants a drink.

When i didnt have my filter, i could only go a couple days before failing. When installed a filter, but had access to the password, i could go a week at a time before failing. When i gave up access to the password, my first streak was 18 days (chai!) and I'm on my way to breaking that soon enough.

It gives me peace of mind to know that its nearly impossible for me to view the stuff that normally would get me to sin. Imagine how an alcoholic who is 100% committed to overcoming his addiction feels when all around him is alcohol. Its stressful and leads to so much anxiety...because he so desperately wants to overcome his addiction, his mind cannot be at rest unless the alcohol is outside his reach.

Please let us know your views on installing a filter. I hope that you decide to get one...just imagine how far you can go if you didnt have such easy access to that filth.

Good Shabbos! Off to shul!

The fact you stopped yourself recently is not a "won" battle yet, BUT, it shows you are READY for change. There is not much I can add to what these beautiful, precious Yidden have written. One theme you will notice in all these posts is that - WE HAVE ALL BEEN EXACTLY THERE. What you describe is precisely how the vicious cycle of addiction works. My advice to you dear Yid is, to get a partner, join the Jewish Healing Group, get a fool-proof filter, browse the tips and chizuk e-mail databases, read the recovery stories, and you will see that there is truly hope. But most importantly, you have joined this holy community. You are no longer alone. You have the Koach of this whole Tzibur of mighty spiritual warriors. Together we will prevail!

P.S. Without a strong filter though, I must warn you, there is not much hope. No matter how much chizuk you get from us here, or from the website, there will be times in the future when you are weak and vulnerable again. And to have it within hands reach, so easily and so accessible - it just won't work. You can't leave an x-alcoholic alone in a room full of alcoholic beverages for days on end. It is not just a spiritual disease. It is an addiction. And as such, it must be treated appropriately and with wisdom.