Hi Ykv and thanks you for the inspiring post.

I am also in my early thirties and have been struggling w/ P addiction for years.

Is Jnet available in your area?

Having a filter, whether server side or client side or preferably both, can be a very powerful tool in fighting the Y"H.

Perhaps you should fill out the GUE forms requesting an accountability partner as well.

Your recent success of going 6 months clean is nobble indeed.  You need to build on those positive emotions and formulate strategies that will vanquish this menuval once and for all from your life.

This site is certainly a great resource, but IMHO it is not enough.

Having an open Internet connection is a great sakana for us.  If you take the steps to help protect yourself from the dangers of the Internet, Hashem will help you succeed.  Im ain Hakadosh Baruch Hu ozro aino yachol lo.

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story w/ us. 

B'Hatzlcha Rabba 

Hi I am new to this forum.  I have been reading some of your posts in the past few weeks as I was trying to get acquainted with the site and I have been so inspired.  I am so happy to finally have a social network to reach out to and share my problems with.  For years I have yearned this.  My first encounter with porn was at age 10, and I am now 31.   It was at age 16 that I first set out to change my ways.  I had no idea that the battle would take more than 15 years.  Even as a bachur I had these fears that this problem would be with me as a married man.  And I was certain that at least when I was married I would have no desire for porn.  But as all of us know too well, an addiction is an addiction.    I would love to share my story in full at a later time as I think it would give great chizuk to all of us.  The more we share our stories, the more we realize that we are not alone and we could all fight this together.  Over the years, i never gave up.  I always knew that I could beat my Y'H.  I had many tricks which I hope to share.  Most worked for some time, but eventually the Y"H would overpower me and I would be lead into a downward spiral until I hit rock bottom and bring myself back up. 

Well for now, I would like to share with you a very effective method that carried me for over six months.  Last year, right after pesach (year 2008), I had a terrible 'attack' of the Y"H.  I was constantly on my computer downloading all sorts of movies.  I was so depressed.  I am in kollel and so this is bein hazmanim. I had more time to my disposable. I wasted it all away together with my seed. Well, when the new zman started I decided (for the millionth time) that is it.  No more of this Y"H.  So, I stood in front of the mirror, looked at myself and began telling myself over and over and over again that this is it.  No more.  I gave myself intense Mussar. Well, for two weeks I felt great.  However, one friday morning (may 16, 2008) I was doing work (I am a graphic designer by profession.  I do my work on 'off' hours to maintain myself in kollel).  I felt the urge.  My body tightened up.  What am I going to do.  So I picked myself up and looked in the mirror.  But this time I did not talk but yelled, "STOP IT! STOP IT!  YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE! MY WIFE! MY KIDS! GET OUT OF HERE." I gave myself a nasty look and continued yelling at myself.  I was really angry with myself.  Well sure enough, my Y"H was scared out of his wits and ran for his life.  (This concept of using ones anger is brought down by the R. Yonah in shaarei avodah, a rare sefer to find.  and in the gra on mishlei.  They both point out that we need to use our Y'H for good.  and both give the example of using Kaas to yell at your y"h.  It is known that the Chafetz Chaim and the Rav Yisroel Salenter employed this method.) I then began a log.  and recorded the fact that the Y'H came to visit me and I WON the battle. He decided to stay away for a while.  But a few weeks later came again.  And sure enough I did the same thing and beat him like wildfire.  I was feeling so good.  And all using this method of yelling and getting angry with myself and the Y"H.  it was unbelievable.  As Yom Kippur approached, i began to feel great joy and bit of nervousness.  was I going to make it until Yom Kippur?  Was I going to finally after 15 years be able to properly  confess my ways?  Say vidui and that I will never do again and be honest about it?  Well, sure enough, Yom kippur came and I was clean now for all these months.  And it was not just clean.  I had intense battles with the Y"H.  And not once did he win.  My tears on Yom kippur were like none other.  I thanked Hashem profusely for giving me the strength.  I felt so victorious.  after maariv,I came into my house and begain telling my kids thatt "WE WON! WE WON".  They all asked me what happened.  with tears in my eyes, I said Hashem has granted us 'mechila'. Nobody knew what I was talking about.  But I was crying.  Over this period of time, my relationship with my wife and kids was great. There was so much love in the air, you could feel it.  I was happy man.  My learning sky rocketed.  My whole life was uplifted. 

However, I hate to disappoint you, my dear readers. But a week after succos, as if I did not even notice what happened, the problem came back.  and here I am once again back in the the battle zone.  But through the past few months, I never felt like giving up.  On the contrary, I knew that if i did it once, i could do it again.   I am a positive person.  externally, I did not lot this problem get in the way of my life.  I continued on acting as my bubbly self.  Friendly and warm.  People who know me would fall flat on their faces if they knew this part of me.  I continued to fight.  I do not have as much strength as I had then, but I working on building this strength.  And I hope together, we could all garner the strength to destroy this Y"H from our midst.

The mefarshim tell us that if one person conquers his Y"H he can actually destroy its powers.  But if a whole community together works on their Y"H and does teshuva they can actually have a lasting impact.  We learn this from Purim (it is a medrash in Shir Hashirim.  I can elaborate at a later time.)

Well, my dear reader, please take my advice and use this method of talking to yourself and yelling at yourself.  You are a real person.  When we look at ourselves and how beautiful we can be, we realize how much we are destroying.  Here is the log that I wrote on May 16, 2008 the first major battle I had with the Y"H when my six month journey began:


Today the Yetzer Hara tried to capture me again.  And this was the emotion and feeling that in the past I would normally get trapped by.  I would usually not be able to have the self control and I would succumb to his powers.  But this time I knew what I wanted.  And I realized that I cannot just sit back idly and ignore him.  He is no different than any other enemy from whom one is under attack.  During attack one can certainly not just ignore the enemy.  You either try to avoid the shooting until the attack simmers down or you fight back.  But to sit and go about life as if nothing is happening, is obviously stupid.  The ways of the Y”H are no different.  When he begins to ignite and incite your nature to bring feelings of aveiros, you are under attack.  The actual gun shot is the aveira.  If you ignore him and keep moving along, you stand little chance.  However, one of two options can be done.  Either, you get yourself out of the situation where he cannot incite this in you.  But often times that is impossible.  The reason being is that by a real enemy, the threat is external.  The threat is based on a place. You can always move to another location, if possible.  However, the threat of the Y”H is internal.  It is in your heart.  It is true that it is stronger in certain places.  But the bottom line is that it is internal.  So to move doesn’t help.  The other option is to confront the Y”H and attack him back.  Today, I did not stand idly and let him get me.   I got up from my seat, shook myself, as if I am shaking him out of my body.  I then looked at myself in the mirror and began yelling at myself.  I did this until the feeling dissipated.  And B”H, it did.  I did my part of revealing my real self, and Hashem did his part and wiped him out if me.  As I hope this is the last incident of life of this kind of Y”H, I realize that I will up against many more tests.  I can only pray to Hashem to give me that internal strength to always get up and fight.  I should recall to myself the problems of sitting idly. 

I hope it gives you all chizuk.

May Hashem be with you

-ykv 

20 days, that's amazing Phillip!

You feel you might slip, but remember - you're the son of the king. Should the king's son wallow in the mud where all the lowest goyim spend their lives and eternity ? Think of all the low-lifes who desire these things. What could already be so good about it, if the lowest of the low desire it?

Look in a mirror. See yourself in third person, from the outside, as if you were looking at someone else who desired this. Feel bad for him. And think to yourself "Do I care what someone else wants?" Be mechazek the Jew in the mirror, and tell him that it will pass. Life is just a dream. And if you hold out for a litle bit, the urge will pass. Trust me. It seems hard to believe but it is true!

As a last resort, there's the two "Turn Off Pages". See Tip #11 on this page.

One of the previous Karlin Rebbe's was once served an expensive dish of cooked pigeon. When he felt he was being pulled after the desire to eat it, he stopped himself and began to think about all the places the bird hung out, in garbage, in excrement. And he thought about the things the bird ate, worms, insects, until the Rebbe began to gag and pushed away the plate.

This is a segulah when desperate.

Davka when the struggle is hard and all seems dark, that's when you are shooting up to the highest madregos. You just don't feel it, but it's an opportune time to ask hashem for whatever you need. Call to him for help. He is right next to you.

"Jack" once posted:

in order to really live, we must kill ourselves. sound like an oxymoron? well it's a chazal that everybody knows. Horotze lichyos, yamis es atzmo! and for ANY addict, not succumbing to the temptation is like dying. And no one wants to die alone, right? We need someone to be there with us. Well, we on the forum are with you while you 'kill yourself'. but it's really living. The alcoholic says 'if i don't have another drink, I'm going to die'. But in reality, that next drink will kill him.

Did you listen to this navi shiur from Rabbi Reisman available on mp3shiur.com?

www.mp3shiur.com/prodDetails.asp?catID=38&prodID=431

It is the only navi shiur available for free on that site and I think I know why.  In this shiur he talks about Internet addiction.  I think it would be beneficial to anyone struggling w/ P addiction to listen to.

Hatzlacha to you!

Day 29 ...

B"H things are well today.  It is the first day into week number 5, so that is encouraging.  I am optimistically hoping that month number 2 will be easier than month number 1.  My focus will be on achieving a certain level of stability in my addiction where I do not constantly feel like I am on edge.

Wishing everyone on this board and all yiden in general much bracha & hatzlacha!!!

Not everyone who is addicted suffers from the vicious cycle of endless guilt, frustration, and yiush (hopelessness) but many of us do. It is for them that I'd like to post here my thoughts and what I learned from experience on the matter.

There are two main components to the vicious cycle: Misconceptions and hergel (how should I say that in English?)

I'll discuss hergel first just because it's short.

Anything that has gotten ingrained in a person, obviously (or at-least it should be obvious)takes time to change. This applies equally to the way we behave as well as the way we think. We can only succeed in changing if we persevere. So for each and every one of the components of the vicious cycle, patience and perseverance are of critical importance.

My time is up for today, Be'H I'll continue next week

guardureyes wrote on 01 Feb 2009 11:18:


The Tzetel Koton talks about how many days. However, I would wonder whether he is referring to addiction as Elya explains. ( Udvorov tzrichim iyun or biur.)

Listen dear GettingHelp, you should go back and read all your posts on this thread ("90 days now"). You are very inspiring! You definitely have it in you.

There are many great sites out there that can help. One that comes to mind, sexualcontrol.com. Check it out. But you won't find a Frum site, nor will you find the group support like you get on GUE 

You should know that the 4 weeks you were just clean will always stay with you. They are the building blocks for your next push, which will take you even further!

You have to know that this is a process. We have to eradicate LUST from our hearts totally. But to do this, we have to WANT to. Believe me, to live without lust at all is truly a freeing experience, but it takes a leap of faith.

Have you considered 12-Step groups? That's the best solution out there for strong addictions and persistant failures...

guardureyes wrote on 01 Feb 2009 10:34:


"what true Love of Hashem means"? The question was not what but who is left.

The truth is that I believe that I know what you mean or at least I think I do. Either way, to my mind, the following is what the Baal Hatanya no doubt answered:

There are two concepts in hilchos bittul berov.

1) Hamiut bottel bemiuto veharei hu kemi she'eino --- the minority is lost in the majority and it is as if it did not exist at all.

2) Issur nehepach lehetter -- the minority which is for example ossur loses it's prior natural identity of issur and assumes the halachic identity of the majority and becomes hetter. In this type of bittul the minority does not cease to exist, on the contrary, it very much exists, it just gets the identity of the majority.

When we Yidden are mevattel ourselves before Hashem, we are not vaporizing and nullifying ourselves out of existence as in bottel bemiuto veharei hu kemi she'eino. What we are doing is peshuto kemashmo'o Issur nehepach lehetter, we are shedding our identity of tuma and aveiro and assuming Hashem's identity of kedusha --- Kedoshim tihyu ki kodosh ani Hashem Elokeichem --- as the Rambam says of the Baal Teshuva, Emesh hoyo muvdal --- before teshuva he was far from Hashem and with teshuva, today he is finally bound close to Hashem...

guardureyes wrote on 01 Feb 2009 10:34:


What you say here is all very true and all very good. However it didn't really help me, and here's why.

Yes, I know, we should certainly be mevattel ourselves to Hashem. That's the ultimate and most lofty goal in Yiddishkeit... battel retzoncho mipnei retzono.

But as I wrote earlier, when I spoke to and listened to the steppers, their first step was not some lofty inspirational goal, or even the ultimate goal, it was an absolute visceral gut life or death necessity, right here, right now. They were coming to a realization that in their own experience, if they did not do the steps as soon as possible then they would be totally lost and they would be as good as dead. I have seen their determination and I am absolutely convinced beyond all personal doubt that it all starts with their yesod hayesodos, their first step. They are empowered by an unwavering belief that if they don't have the steps they have nothing and all is lost.

Now you may argue, astutely, that every Yid should see battel retzono as life or death, but I am going to speak purely for myself here, with the tumo I have ingested into my neshomo over the years, battel retzono was sadly but really light years away and it was about as far from being an immediate life and death issue as you can get. So, yes, if I wanted to fool myself I would give droshos on end about the first step. Droshos that, for the moment, for me, at least, would begin and end in the head and never take even the first step to the heart. Un der hartz iz gebbliben kalt the heart, my heart, at least, was nebach unmoved.

And BE"H today, later on, I will finally share with you, what worked for me not just in achieveing the first step, but in understanding why we addicts allowed our taavo (lust bela'az) to take us beyond the point of no return.

Need help! After a run of 4 wks I fell.I saw it coming,spoke with my sponsor,came to GUR, but still fell.On the one hand I feel more prepared to move on.On the other hand I want to exlplore other means of dealing with this.I read about a program that has teh approach that addiction  can be 100% cured.It is called passagesmalibu.com.There is a book out by the founder Chris Prentiss.Has anyone heard of this?For some reason the info on this website touched me and gave me a new hope that I can actually have a  cure not a recovery.I am at a point in my life that I want a truly fresh start,from A-Z.

andsm1:

You are incredible. What you say is most definitely emes. But whats amazing is that you're like Avraham Aveenu. You never even learned that aspect of the yetzer Haraa but through your accomplishments in this war, you yourself came to this insight. I have learned about it, but you live it. WOW keep it up. Also, its a secret that when you know, can definitely enable you to win, cuz you know that there is really nothing more that the yetzer haraa really wants than you to beat him. That is why it says that when the torah says "Tov MIOD" in maase bireishis, it is referring to the yetzer Hara. Because only with the Yetzer Hara can one grow to his true heights.

I hope you dont mind if I use your thread to share a bit:

I am indebted to everyone hear for all eternity, because I have bli ayin hora with ezras Hashem always, I have been clean, almost as a whistle, since rosh chodesh Elul. Hashem should continue to give us all the strength we need.

Around elul time I lost my job, and although I was not unhappy bec I really didnt enjoy it that much, I got down and frustrated a lot. However, I spent a few hours each day writing and reading on this web site. Since then, I feel like I have broke free (hopefully from the menuval). I now see that I must kiss Hashem and hug Him a trillion times for giving me the opportunity to be unemployed so that I could spend time on this website. I davened for many years that I should overcome this particular Y"H, and now, (as Hashem always does, we just don't always see it), Hashem answered my tefillos by taking away my job, so I could focus on this addiction (which I never ever thought was an addiction) and now I see the Yad Hashem.

Part of what has been working for me is a complete ban on TV, no matter how clean the show or movie is. For me, just getting near a TV (with cable) is dangerous. So I hav not even watched 2 mins of TV Bezras Hashem since then. The hardest is on vacation, where I always used to kick back and watch a movie. But I realized that would be too dangerous. Not to mention that the hotel TV's are X rated even if you don't officially watch anything X rated, because just scrolling is terrible.

Thank you all and thank You Hashem and please let our struggles (not just our victories) be a zchus for all sick and jobless in the world.

Biahava Rabba

Chasdei

My dear friends ...

I had a very close call last night and am feeling a bit unnerved today.

While doing a search on Google yesterday at work, I noticed that there were youtube video's included among the results.  This made me call into question whether my Spectorsoft e-blaster application was working, because the application usually blocks youtube video's completely.  I subsequently went to youtube.com to see if the site itself was blocked and low and behold, e-blaster was not blocking the site.

I knew that something was funny, so the first thing I did was go to the directory where my accountability partner had password protected the core application files so that I could not disable the application and to my surprise, he had forgotten to lock them.

B"H my first reaction was to delete the open files immediately.  If I had not done this, I certainly would have fell.

My next move was to call my accountability partner who told me that the software needs to be upgraded and that he had not been receiving notification e-mails of my Internet usage for a week.  This lead me to believe that the e-blaster application may very well be broken, but I could not be sure.

At this point, just the very fact that I may be surfing on an open connection was extremely triggering.  I went to youtube.com, browsed the video highlights briefly (did not watch anything) and then decided that I wanted to see if I could disable the filter completely.

As I could not be sure whether e-blaster was working or not, I was hesitant to surf without disabling it completely.  The problem was that I had already deleted the application files (as stated before, this saved me).

I subsequently downloaded some file retrieval programs and attempted briefly to recover the deleted file.  After a short time attempting to recover the files, I came to my senses and called my accountability partner and told him what I was doing and that I was in trouble.  I skipped seder and went straight to his house to fix the application.

These sorts of incidents have the tendency to make me feel like a failure, but I realize that this is only atzas ha'yetzer.  My accountability partner told me that the rebo shel olem realizes that I have been trying and had rachmanus on me once again.  This machshava made me think about the principle in the 12 steps that I person must realize that they are powerless to overcome addiction without the help of "a higher power".  I realize that it was only Hashem that saved me from slipping last night and that is a humbling feeling indeed.

Today is day 27 b'chasdai Hashem yisborach

I just keep busy, if not with things that are an absolute chiyuv or necessity, then at least with things that seem to chap my mind. In my case that  could be playing a musical instrument or certain types of excercise. Also, reading things that I always wanted to, which are worthwhile to know, not fiction. Writing a letter. You get the idea. This seems to be a quite easy pleasant way to keep out of trouble. We'll see if it contiues to help. I also think that dwelling on the subject of shmiras habris too much in this generation can be counter productive. What is too much can vary by the individual. Also, I do not seem to be as addicted as some others are Bechasdei Hashem Yisborach.

Hashem Ya'azor Lekulonu.

Today, I am past my previous record for clean days.  I haven't noticed a significant change in the struggle at this point; specifically, the physical urge is really no different now than it was when I started.  I suppose it is somewhat easier for me to turn away from the immodest sights that pervade our culture, so that is one change for the better.  The biggest fight, though, is in my head.  Filling my head with non-sexual thoughts in response to the things the Y"H brings up is quite challenging (as all of you know so well).  There are days when it is a real battle.  Twice over the weekend, my wife and I had good heart to heart talks about my struggles.  Those went pretty well; I think she understands (after a number of years now) that it isn't her fault.  The addiction began long before I even met her, let alone was married to her.

I like that nickname "me2" - as in "me too". Yes, "you too" have this problem, and "you too" are joining this powerful community of warriors. On this forum, we learn to see the addiction as something good. It is our "spring board" to spiritual heights. It is really a gift from Hashem in disguise, so that in the process of learning to break free we can learn how to give our hearts over to Hashem, as the pasuk says "Ten bni libcha li - give me, my son, your heart".

It says in the sefarim that sometimes we didn't have full bechirah in the past. Never let the past concern you at all. If that is the ONE thing you learn from our entire website, it will have been worth it. The Yetzer Hara's biggest trick is to tell you that you are a sinner and there's no use. Hashem understands how hard it is. He put you in this struggle so you could learn how to love him truly, one step at a time. Each time you make a new push for it, each time you do any small thing to try and get holier and break free, it gives Hashem tremendous nachas ruach.

Please make sure to use out all the tools of our website (see the homepage and the nav bar for the links)... Keep posting on this forum. Read the stories, read the Chizuk tips. Know that the longer you stay clean, the easier it gets. It's hard at first, but as you progress - especially after 90 days, it gets so much easier. Join the phone conferences, keep reading the daily chizuk e-mails... learn the 12-Steps, maybe even join a 12-step group... Call Elya on the hotline, etc... And most importantly - GET A STRONG, FOOLPROOF INTERNET FILTER! You can put in my e-mail address as the contact so you can't get the password from them (and if you need to make adjustments to the filter, I can log on to your computer using a small program called "ShowMyPc" when you give me a specially generated code.)..

We are excited to welcome a new member to our close-knit and vibrant community of sincere yidden who are looking for moral and spiritual purity!