Hi to all the tzadikim on this site, I came across GUE by chance and my life has already changed.

I don’t know if I deserve to be on this site or on the wall of honour, my nisyoinois seem to be far less intense than those of most people here, in the past I would never have considered my self an addict, that is until I read some of the things on the site, I now know that I’ve been in denial.

I can go for weeks totally clean during those periods I am ALWAYS convinced that these issues are behind me never to return again, I would consider myself totally beyond even being capable of such things! But inevitably I would have lapses (porn not mast), these cycles have been going for years, its amazing how the mind can convince that there is no problem when it is so clear that these patterns are ongoing.

There may be an advantage to being intensely trapped, at least than you know your addicted and need help.

I want to try and be clean for 90 days which would be till shavuois, I wont post regularly bur if and when it becomes a struggle I will come here for support.

Ps:

1-
To the people behind this site: I’m jealous of the huge zechusim that you have! Hashem has chosen you to be his shluchim to help his children in this most amazing way.

2-
Being that porn is often associated with depression I would strongly urge anyone who is -even if only occasionally and very mildly- depressed to consider a natural product called ‘5htp’ it helps raise serotonin levels in the brain and in my experience it is hugely effective, studies have shown that this natural compound is more effective than proscribed anti depressants, (see ‘optimum nutrition for the brain’ by Patrick Holford).

 

dearest bachur, dont get involved in anything that can lead to an addiction! smoking, drugs, alcohol, pornography, or anything that can lead to an addiction! you will suffer later! anything that pleases the senses can start an addiction.once you get hooked, it's exceedingly difficult to creep out of it.any addiction leads to suffering later in life. believe me, i am older than you.my past is your future - i've been there.you have to believe me on this one.trust me - i'm not telling you anything bad for you.it might be difficult, but it's not BAD. hatzlacha! jack

Momo, that's a very inspiring post, with very good advice! Thank you!

It's important to realize that the idea of 90 days, is about the addiction aspect only. 90 days is probably an average; if you read the threads of ano, jack and be-holy you'll see that it got much easier at about 70 days (if I'm not mistaken).

But as far as the taivoh itself goes, it won't disappear and you don't want it to either. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second and every regah that you control it,
is much much more chashuv in the eyes of Hashem, than we can ever possibly imagine. And the same is true about the reward you get!

I hit 90 days a bit more than a week ago. There is no switch that is activated when you hit 90 days. I had the same question as you when I started out. I see now what the answer is. It gets easier and easier to resist the further you go from your addiction, and therefore by the time you hit 90 days (and even before that) you will see that it is a thousand times easier than it was at the start. Take the leap of faith (that's really what it is) and you'll never regret it. Trust me!

Hi everyone,

I had some thoughts on this day 11 of my battle with the Y"H that I wanted to share. If I fall (G-d forbid), I might read this and find it useful. I hope I might help give ideas for you guys out there to help with you with your struggles.

First, wanted to mention that I made 2 blee neder commitments before starting my battle with the Yetser Hara (Y"H) of immorality. The first one I did for health reasons, not realizing that it would help me for this battle. I sit all day by the computer (working and surfing), and I've had some recent health problems as a result. I gained a big Y"H to eat sweets, I would eat large portions of food, and I became overweight (I gained about 20 pounds). So, about 3 months ago, I decided to stop eating sweets, eat healthy, and lose weight. Thank G-d, I've been successful so far, and I've already lost between 10 and 15 pounds. I didn't lose weight for this purpose, but I see now that learning to control my Y"H for food helps me control my Y"H for immorality. I now eat to live, I don't live to eat. I think controlling the Y"H in one area makes it easier in other areas as well. There are different opinions on this, as I heard that Rebbi Nachman (Breslov) said that to fight the immorality Y"H he let himself indulge in other areas, like eating. I guess each person should do what works for him.

The second commitment (a really blee neder one) is to grow peot. I actually read this idea on this forum, although I started it before. I think it's important for me to see a physical change with me as I'm battling the Y"H. Every time I look in the mirror, I say to myself "See, I'm not the same person I was 11 days ago. I don't just feel different (and feelings come and go), but I look different" The Rabbis says that a Baal Teshuva can change his name to show he's not the same person, but that's not really an option for me since I already go by my Hebrew name. I don't know how long I can keep growing them. They are not very long now, but when they get long, I might feel embarrassed or be ridiculed at work. Anyway, I'm enjoying them now. I was also thinking, when they get long enough, women might avoid me if they are not dressed appropriately out of embarrassment. I have actually seen this before, as if something inside even the most secular woman knows she's doing something improper.

After these 2 preparations, I heard a lecture about this topic, found this website, and decided to do battle.

The first 6 days weren't too tough on me. Since then, it's been hard. I just take each HOUR at a time. Sometimes the itch is so bad, when I'm at work. I do one of two things to remove the "itchy" feeling I get to sin.
1. First, I put on my headphones and listen to an inspiring Jewish niggun really loud. If this doesn't work, I go to number 2.
2. I leave my computer, pour myself a cold drink of cola and go outside for a few minutes in the cold air until I cool off, I guess like a cold shower  .

It's hard not having the ability to relieve the tension like I used to.

Here are some positive outcomes of my difficult struggle (reasons to keep it up even though it's hard):

1. Yesterday for the first time in a long time I was not embarrassed to touch the Torah when it went around, and I actually walked up special to touch and kiss it. I still feel uncomfortable when I get an aliya and when shaking the Rabbi's hand after dovening, but I imagine this will pass too with time (BeEzrat Hashem).
2. I feel that my dovening is much better since I've started coming clean, and feels much more sincere.
3. I feel closer to HaShem.
4. I'm getting a lot more work done at work since I'm not wasting so much time surfing from work. I know, that's pretty bad since it's not only the sin of looking at inappropriate things but also stealing company time. Please don't be too hard on me; I'm a bit sensitive now! This just goes to show you how the internet addiction can take over your life.

For the first few days, I felt like I was running up the mountain. For the past couple of days, I've felt like I'm crawling up. 90 days seems like a very long time and far away from day 11, but if I take it one day at a time, BeEzrat HaShem I'll make it. However, I really wonder what will change on day 91. I don't think the Y'H will go away. Sorry, but I am also suspicious about what I've read here that after 90 days our brains are rewired.  I would imagine that if we change our habits for 90 days we are used to not surfing certain sites, and get used to walking with our eyes down, etc. Perhaps someone who has reached day 90 can tell me.

For eveyone who has gotten this far, thanks a lot for reading.
May HaShem give us all the strength to continue climbing the mountain, and stomp on the Y"H for good!
Momo

Dear Son,

Please don't let your father go through so much aggravation. Even if he would be entirely wrong, is that what you want? To cause him so much aggravation --- for ---- a ---- phone?!

Now, your choshuva father is definitely doing his job of being a responsible parent in discouraging you from using such a phone. It is very easy to get involved with the low life that is accessible on these things. That is bad enough, even if it happens only occasionally. But, many of the BEST OF THE BEST have gone further and actually  become addicted to visiting these places in hell. You do not want to go there. Believe me. I did not personally do that myself, but unfortunately did other things related to that, and can warn you from personal experience that this type of thing, which will go unspelled out for now, is extremely tempting and can become addictive before very long. Even without becoming addicted, why play with fire?

Let me ask you something. Would you play around with a huge flame? Do you put out the havdoloh candle with your hands??? Without coating them first!

Esnachtoh

I'm not sure about that - I know that I definitely have times when I doubt God's existence, or the divinity of the Torah, and most especially the mesorah that we receive from the chachamim.  I'm not trying to shock anyone, but these are the thoughts that go through my head.  I especially feel ambivalent towards our understanding of Torah she'be'al Peh - I find it difficult to understand how the minutiae of halacha relate to Hashem's revelation on Har Sinai.  I recognise this is connected to my addiction, but I think it might be part of something greater.  What do you recommend?  I don't like the idea of force-feeding myself a hashkafah, but I have a feeling I'm giving myself excuses to stray.

On the dating front, I like the idea of dating and working on this at the same time, but I'm not so sure about keeping it a secret.  Much as I feel terrified of telling my future wife about my addiction, I feel that honesty has to be the foundation for a marriage, and so I know that I would have to, somehow, tell her.  My goal is to be able to say "I had this addiction.  I fought it and conquered it.  With your help, I'll never succumb to it again".  I'm hoping she'd see that as a positive, but it's still a gamble I guess.

If it bothers you that you don't have enough emunah, then it means you have enough emunah!!

As far as dating, we generally suggest to people to date AND work on this at the same time.

Rabbi Twerski feels that if a person has such an addiction, he must let his future wife know before marriage. I am not sure though if this is only if he didn't fully break free or even if he did. But we'll be easy on you and say that if you fully break free before marriage, you can keep it a secret :-)

The disappointment that you felt is the YH talking. Ignore him. Because you had the will which led you to set up the safeguards you have, you should credit yourself with a FULL victory, not a partial one. And yes, it will get easier the more time you put between yourself and the addiction; Jack and I (and be holy) can attest to that. Be happy!!! :D

I'm finding a couple of things difficult at the moment.  The first is that my emunah is not particularly strong these days, which makes it hard for me to trust that all the pain that I'm going through is necessary, and that Hashem is there to hear my tefillot and help me overcome my y''h.  I know I should be stronger in my belief, but sometimes I feel like I'm on my own, there's no consequences, so who cares?

The second point is almost exactly the opposite.  I've been on the dating scene for a while now, and I don't know how to deal with my addiction when I'm supposed to be committing myself to someone.  I don't want to enter married life with this huge burden of sin, so I feel like I should hold off dating until I've conquered my inclinations - but then, will I ever get married?   

Well addiction to me meant missing out the best part of my life
If your stupid enough to follow go ahead, maybe your story will be a better (worse) example to keep the next generation away from this garbage

Ykv_schwartz wrote on 23 Feb 2009 22:38:


Yaakov,
You should have much hatzlocho. In my own experience after 36 years of struggle what has finally made a difference is being prepared to go the distance. As the Alcoholics Anonymous people put it, half-hearted measures won't work. In your post you are showing that you are prepared to go the distance, that you are looking for all the contributing factors to your addiction and that you are ready to do what it takes to address them.

Studies linking substance addiction with ADHD abound. Here is a recent link:

Study: 33% of alcoholics had ADHD, 65% of drug users had ADHD

The experience of therapists suggests a similar link with sex addiction:

Treating Pornography Addiction

And yes, you are absolutely right that if you are serious about your addiction you need to address the ADHD. If you have a hole in your bucket you need to plug it. The real question is how far you are prepared to go.

I once heard HaGaon HoRav Simcha Schustal Shlit"a Rosh Yeshiva of Stamford (no I did not learn there) say that the possuk in Nitzovim (30:15) says re'eh nosati lefonecho hayom es hachayim ve'es hatov ve'es hamoves ve'es hora. He asked why the Torah puts the affects, chayim umoves before the causes, tov and ra, it should have been the other way around, putting the causes first and then the affects.

He answered that you see people smoke for years even though they know that it is dangerous. However, as soon as they have their first heart attack, everything changes.

What happened? They always knew that smoking was dangerous. He said that what happened is that for the first time not only does the smoker know that smoking is dangerous he now sees giving up smoking as a life or death choice.

He said that just like smokers who know that smoking is bad we learn mussar and yet much of the time we see little or no change. He said that if we want the mussar to work, if we want to change, it is not enough to know right from wrong, we first have to see the choice between tov and ra as a choice between chayim umoves, we have to realize that our choice is no luxury, it is life or death and that is why the Torah puts chayim umoves before tov and ra, so that we realize that we are making a life or death choice.

Now there is one thing about a life or death choice, there are no limits to what a person will do.

Now, we both know that the minimum requirement for teshuva is a once and forever azivas hachet. A complete one time commitment to never return to the aveiro. The problem is that untreated ADHD almost guarantees a relapse sooner or later. So, if ADHD is threatening to undermine teshuva and teshuva is life or death, then I have to tell you that from everything I know, there is no alternative to medication.

Yes, you can find other ways to address ADHD such as therapy, diet modification and many other approaches. And you can survive on only those. But, equally you could also survive without any ADHD treatment at all.

I have Adult ADHD (discovered 6 months ago) and I did fantastically in school without any medication. I was able to memorize almost everything my teachers taught as they were teaching it and I was able to think extremely fast which helped me spend a minimum amount of studying to get great grades. I was very competitive and thrived in the structured environment of school. However, adult life was a totally different story. Exactly as you described, anything uncomfortable did not exist. I would get busy with distractions which of course included and extended to my addiction. I have tried many approaches and life did not begin to become manageable until I took medication. I have a teenage daughter with ADHD and she too is on medication. In my experience and from everything I have read and heard the results from all of the other approaches are very poor in the absence of medication. So if you are truly serious you cannot, in my experience and opinion afford to rule medication out.

My daughter does very well just on medication. However, I have not stopped at medication and both for myself and my marriage I do therapy. Even then I have found that the combination of those two, empowering as they are were not enough to change my life. I started posting on these forums and that too was not enough. Now I have joined a 12 step group on which I invest 6 hours a week including travel time to attend two meetings.

I have finally come to the realization that if I want to give up my addiction which has been such a fundamental piece of who I am and if I want to give it up forever with no relapses, then it is not my behaviors that I need to change but I need to change who I am as a person. As the Rambam (Teshuva 2:5) says the pathway of teshuva includes, "changing ones name, in other words declaring, 'I am another and I am not the same person who did those deeds' "

As someone with ADHD I can say with full conviction that were it not for the medication, the therapy, this forum, working the 12 steps and attending the 12 steps groups I would not have sufficient support to undertake something as daunting and comprehensive as becoming a different person. That is no simple task for anyone, let alone someone with ADHD. And I will add here that the all-or-nothing approach is a very good fit for people with ADHD and addictive behaviors. It's both spectacular and compulsive and it really turns both the weakness of ADHD which craves excitement and the weakness of addiction which craves compulsion into major strengths.

So, ultimately, everyone is different. But here is something that I have observed. For years I went for help to Rabbonim, Mashgichim, pyschologists, therapists and every time before I had even walked into the room for the first time, I had an entire subconscious list of all the things I was NOT prepared to do. What is different now beChasdei Hashem is that I have finally realized that the only thing that works is having no pre-conditions and being prepared to do everything.

Dear Ykv,

Although my mind is really not with me right now, I want to try to write you a few points.

We definitely all agree with you, that this is the way to go. When we said not to worry we were talking only about emotional worry.

The link between the addiction and ADHD is well known.

I don't have ADHD, but I definitely can relate to most (maybe all) of what you wrote. One thing that I learned from experience is, that when I have clear focused goals that I'm working on in my life, it makes a world of difference. In addition when I invest energy in my Avodas Hashem (Did you ever Daven in "Karlin"?) it changes the whole picture.

CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!  HATZLOCHOH RABOH!!!

This addiction is insane...I think I can honestly say I know what people trying to break free from drug abuse feel like. It actually physically hurts not to feed it at times. On day 3 now...things are as tough as ever. I had 2 really great streaks, one over 40 days and one of 20. This time I hope G-D lets me break free. Daven for me please. I really need it.

You did not disappoint us.  On the contrary, the fact that you admitted to yourself right away that you fell and picked yourself up and started over again is amazing.  It show you have tremendous will power to overcome the yetzer hara.  You are not willing to retreat so quickly.  This is a true sign that you have it in you to eventually reach true victory.  You pray to G-d and hope for the best.  Now, the other amazing point of yours is that you already began to pinpoint your pitfalls.  You should realize that I have been battling this addiction for 15+ years.  However, after each fall I have always become a bit wiser and more in tune to myself.  It makes me armed better for the next battle and each time I fight I fight for victory.  So what I see today is a true warrior.  A warrior that can pick himself up and fight with true vigor. 

Keep up your determination and I am sure you will beat your 40 day record.  And who knows this might be the last time you need to pick yourself up again from such a fall.  Please continue to log your journey and continue being an inspiration for all of us.