guardureyes wrote on 15 Mar 2009 12:03:


What I am b''n going to do if I feel that I'm overwhelmed is either go for a walk first, or read the post "Revelation", plus one or two other posts which I have printed and put in a certain place and say Krias Shma. Or simply do something else. However, the most important thing that I think would help me anyway would be to read that post and one or two others.

It's amazing how if I just take my mind off something that I'm obsessing about, the obsession goes away or at least diminishes for a while anyway at least. The thing is that I didn't actually do this a couple of times and felt that nothing would help. However, now I realize that that is the obsession or addiction talking, and it is at least worth doing what I realize now when I am not obsessing about it consider to be the proper and rational thing to do.

Hello,

I have a lot to say. Guard (and the others), you do not know how much you have changed my life, you are like the life-line to a drowning man! And I do not know how to put it... but around 28 hours later after my last message I fell  :'( I feel so ashamed in the light of everyones holiness here. Even the earth-worms, the ants, the spiders are all so much more holy than me... That and very busy days kept me from writing here.

At the very least I'll thank-you so much for the prayers! And I think I have learned three very important lessons. Maybe thats why I fell:

1) No you-tube or any type of videos like that.
2) I will have to make a vow not to be on the computer after 11 pm. (More on this later).
3) Closely related to the second, Ill send you a pm about this one later, Guard. 

With these, I feel much safer.  But I will take it one day at a time, every day counts! Somehow, I could think this would be the first day of my new life. Like I would have never had an addiction As if I would have been clean for years already.... and why not, if I just remember to keep my guard up all the time.

About the second one, it is a three-edged sword. First of all: whenever I fall, I usually fall after 12pm (most likely because when I am tired, I do not have so much strength to give my struggles to the L-rd); secondly it keeps me organized and awake the next day (so more strength for giving it up to the L-rd), and thirdly because of point 3.

Then comes the vow part. How can I make a vow, so that I will not be on my computer after 11pm, unless I need to do so for work? Would something like this be OK: "In Your Name L-rd, I swear not to be on my computer  after 11 pm (local time) unless I need it for work or study."  Is there any way of saying a vow, so that if I, G-D forbid, I would break it I would not get punished? Should I change the wording to this: "... I swear to try not to be... "

Then again, I have another question. I said the  Tikkun HaClalli yesterday, and asked for help for the Guard-community, all the names I remembered, and for myself (along other things). Does it work when said in English? I do not even know how to read Hebrew, but maybe there is a version where you can "read" it in Hebrew using the roman letters? How often should I say this prayer?

Yet another thing, I have pushed this down as far as possible it seems, since only yesterday I remembered. I was once at a "party" where alcohol was in rather frequent use; I don't drink, so I tried to stop some guys from doing something that is wrong in every way (from the law to moral to the Torah). Being so self-immersed in self-pity at that time, that I was only able to try and stop them from doing it verbally, and didn't realize I should have done more. Is it OK to physically hurt someone to stop them from doing something they shouldn't? Don't worry, it was not rape or something severe like that; but something one should definitely not do.

Sorry for ranting

Strength and courage to everyone,
JG   

P.S: I decided I should get myself out of all this constant depression and self-pity. I decided life is a game, G-D is the judge, and the Torah is the rules With that I took a big leap of faith, and did something (good) I would have never thought of myself. Praise the L-rd! Guard, your prayers are working so much more than you can possibly imagine  8)

P.S.S: I fell on March 12th, around 01:00 AM. According to that, my 3rd day is finished, leaving me on the 4th day. B"H I do not loose my chart place ! Just correct it  ;D

I fixed your chart.

And I HIGHLY suggest signing up to the other Chizuk e-mail as well, since it deals more with the addiction aspect, and is very helpful for many people. Click on "UpdateProfile/Email address" at the bottom of the Chizuk e-mails to add yourself to the second list as well.

May Hashem be with you!

i'm falling. but have not fallen. purim was ok. i was looking for that high but was in the wrong company to get there. how messed up is the mind when it comes to love and affection? we can do this - we must become holy till pesach then hashem will free us! i am just feeling a little down i guess in some weird way i miss my old ways- but i know this is coming from an addict and will not give in. the high of being off the drug is over and now life seams so bland and almost boring sometime. i'm posting my thoughts because i'm sure others are also thinking this and i'm looking for help. a guttin shabbos to all!

eme wrote on 25 Feb 2009 05:20:


It is helpful to keep in mind that which Chazal said that there is a small organ in the body that if one "satisfies" it, it is hungry. If one keeps it hungry, it is satisfied. BTW, I heard from a great man that this applies to other things also, but for our purposes, the literal meaning is something that can carry the day.
What I understand from here is that it becomes easier with time.

as far as being 'cloistered' in yeshiva, i did it in yeshiva in israel, too, right after bekius shiur....there is only one thing to say - either we let the yetzer hara (addiction) control us, or we seek treatment so we can learn techniques on how to defeat it!

I am sorry to disappoint everyone who's been following my blog (especially Guard, Elya, and Anonymous), and I'm sorry to disappoint my Neshama,  but I fell today. What happened was the urge was soooo great, and the Y'H told me that after having been soooo good for 24 days, I deserve a break. 

Anyway, I'm proud of the 24 clean days I had (forget about the strict count I've been keeping). I don't remember ever having gone so long. I don't think I've ever beat 2 weeks, besides the 10 months I was clean when I was cloistered in Yeshiva in Israel, but that doesn't count since I wasn't in the real world and wasn't challenged by the Y"H.

So Reb Guard, please when you get a chance, update my chart entry as a count of zero clean days, with a previous count of 24 clean days.

I hope to pick myself up and start over right away. I'll post once I've had a few clean days.

I think the key now is to feel remorse but not guilt. Guilt holds us back and knocks us down. Remorse is the path to Teshuva. How is this done? How does this sound: I will not feel guilty because I am human and have an addiction. However, I will feel remorse since my action interrupted my journey to living a pure lifestyle.

I sincerely pray that my falling doesn't demoralize anyone out there or cause anyone else to fall. That thought really scares me. All I can say is this: For people starting their count, first hit at least 24 days before even considering falling. For people who are beyond 24 days, first beat your past clean record, then speak with me.

It wasn't easy. After I broke and trashed 10 p-rn videos, having had them and watched them over 2 years, dozens and dozens of times, I clicked delete on the "real" folder - containing 1-gig worth of p-rn videos.

I hardly have any p-rn vids left. I havn't really watched p-rn for 5-mounths. I hav'nt mastubated over p-rn for 5 mounths now. I did however log on and see some illicit p-rn nature disturbing (not illeagal images).

As long as I could see the title of a video being deletd I couldn't erase it. Since I removed the real file, conntaing the downloaded real player files , i removed all the videos with one swoop - without it bringing back memories. I do though have memories sometimes of sum of the clips - and can get eroused. Thanks to p-ornaddiction.ca  (spelled without the dash)- a Canadian site- I maddghed to keep of p-rn-though I still mastubate, less thanks to excelllent GYE e-mails.!

Thanks to you all,
Shmuel

It wasn't easy. After I broke and trashed 10 p-rn videos, having had them and watched them over 2 years, dozens and dozens of times, I clicked delete on the "real" folder - containing 1-gig worth of p-rn videos.

I hardly have any p-rn vids left. I havn't really watched p-rn for 5-mounths. I hav'nt mastubated over p-rn for 5 mounths now. I did however log on and see some illicit p-rn nature disturbing (not illeagal images).

As long as I could see the title of a video being deletd I couldn't erase it. Since I removed the real file, conntaing the downloaded real player files , i removed all the videos with one swoop - without it bringing back memories. I do though have memories sometimes of sum of the clips - and can get eroused. Thanks to p-ornaddiction.ca  (spelled without the dash)- a Canadian site- I maddghed to keep of p-rn-though I still mastubate, less thanks to excelllent GYE e-mails.!

Thanks to you all,
Shmuel

We are very proud you joined the group and your growth is inspiring us all
Keep up and stay alert
please share further advancements

That is very enlightening. Hashem has given you wisdom to help you in your struggle. Thank you for sharing that, it may find itself in a Chizuk e-mail soon :-)

Hi everybody,

I guess I’m back sooner than I expected to be, I had a bit of a slip on Purim (flirting, initiating something that could have had disastrous results).

I have not let it pull me down though, Hashem is still part of my life (in the past this would have led to a downward spiral), and I think I may even have learned from it.

One of the things that seems to be helping me is the acknowledgement that this is an addiction (–the buzz / rush / excitement that I feel when engaging in these things are chemicals that are secreted in the brain and I am addicted to them) helps put things in perspective,

This morning I already put this realisation to practice I postponed my response to some trigger by waiting a few minutes and seeing it for what it really is and low and behold the buzz was gone.

Thanks to all of you once again.

Yehuda the addict 

Phillip, your words are so true.  We all need to keep repeating these words to ourselves.  Perhaps, most important is lesson #1, remembering that we are always an addict.  I like the way you formulated that.  We must constantly beseech Hashem for Help and remember that just because we feel "cured" we are not.  Just because we have no desires, impulses and urges that it can reawaken at an any moment.  Theoretically, the smallest thing can trigger it if we are not careful. 
Phillip, I davened for you at the kosel today, together with everyone else. Your name was mentioned.
Purim Sameach

yeh, hi
I feel that because i got my thoughts down on to paper I can think a bit clearer now.
It's not my fault that I have this addiction, I didn't bring it upon myself.
Hashem has given me this Nisoyon, to fight  it, no point in getting all freaking depressed over it.
I was just reading another guys post about how he wanted to commit suicide.
It pisses me off to see how far the Yetzer Horoh will go to conceal the truth.
the TRUTH is is thats its only a nisoyon, hashem is on your side, if you fall, as they say in Yidddish
Nisht Gerferlach, move on, what happened, happened, like the baal shem tov said,
"The Yetzer Horoh doesn't care about the sin, what he really wants, he's whole intent of bringing you down to do the Aveira, was to get you depressed, because depression can accomplish what nothing else can accomplish!"
THE WHOLE KAVONOH WAS THE DEPRESSION, THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS,
so you know what, Mr Y"H, you mamzer, I'm not going to get depressed, I'm going to stand up tall and keep on fighting, I'm going to squash you, I'm going to bloody pulverise you and kill you, and I'm going to stay happy.
Hashem wanted me to fall. it was Hasgocoh Protis, hashem isn't angry with me, coz of it, he knows I was in a vulnerable position, he knows my yaitzer Horoh tricked me into it, what hashem wnats is is that i should learn from this and gird myself for next time, so Iy"h I'll come back on in two hours with my conclusion and resolutions.
so take that you ......., yetzer Horoh.
(btw) I'm still a shtikl depressed, I dont know if I really believe what I wrote, whateva.

Hi everyone
back again
I haven't kept in touch with the forum for a long time, perhaps I felt it wasn't helping me, or maybe I just wasn't involved enough.
I've had a pretty rough time lately with my addiction, it's getting a lot worse, and it's affecting my life, as I'm doing things in inappropiate places.
I'm going through a bit of a rough time emotianally, I'm finding it really herd to keep a seder and to stay in some sort of mizgeret. I wake up late every day, my parents get pissed off. I get pissed off, I'm always anxious about things, and therefore I fall much easier, pretty much without a fight, like today, for example, i made a resolution to be clean for a week, I woke up late in the morning, I left my teffilin on a yishuv somewhere, I found it really hard to get organised and just get moving. I ended up davening really late and starting my day really late, like after midday. I was really pissed off, but I still said that I'm not going to slip up. Meanwhile I went on a computer with a filter. I was feeling vulnerable and it all went downhill, starting with something as lame as Wikipedia. I'm feeling really weak. I don't feel like I have any goals and I'm too tired and can't be bothered getting up and doing something about it, whenever i try changing things it only ends up lasting for a week or two, so whats the point?
Last week i also had a tough time, there was one day where I was feeling so anxious and depressed that I was thinking of going to hospital, it can get very scary.
and I don't even feel like I can help the depression, it's just there, because I feel like I'm not in control.
If ure just going to repeat over what Rav Nachman says, how u should never give up, don't bother, i already know that, it still doesnt help.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Hashem Help meee!!!
I never wanted to do it, i still don't want to do it, all I want to do is to get close to you and learn your holy Torah.
Why do you make it so hard! PLZ give me the strength to keep on fighting, PLZ give me the strength to be happy, Plz give me the strength to fight the Yetzer Horoh, to strangle it from all it's desires and strengths and sadness!!!!

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