Please never stop posting here bardichev! You give the most amazing chizuk. A-G all applied to me. It's so sad to see how many people have this addiction but have convinced themselves that it's not a big deal. I see it all around me (guys just like that). I pity what's going to happen to them when they get married, even taking god out of the equation entirely.

hello everyone
What a great honor I received when I opened today’s chizuk e-mail #459.I am so glad that my struggle can be a source of encouragement to others.
What is so unique about this forum is that in on itself it really provides the antidote to addiction. My addiction is TAAVA it says L’Taava Yivakesh Nifrad in order to be a Baal Taava one needs to be alone. Lonesomeness  depressions helplessness boredom are really different levels or layers of alone. Being part of a group if their goal is to serve Hashem that on its own beats the Y”H away.

I once heard a very nice story from one of the previous Slonimer Rebbes ZT”L.
This Rebbe had a Chassid that embarked on a business trip. Being away from the comfort and protection of home he was tempted with the Nisayon of Yosef Hatzaddik.
In a moment of cheshbon hanefesh he said to himself “when I come back my Rebbe will see that I sinned”. So he thought “I will avoid my Rebbe”. Then he said to himself my friends will notice on my behavior that I sinned. Can I live without friends NO I need my friends and that helped him overcome his Y”H.
When he came home his Rebbe told him “what a great Rebbe can’t accomplish good friends CAN.

Toady is my 34th clean day. B”H. Today sefirah is 13 L’Omer which corresponds with
Yesod ShebiGevurah. This day is really auspicious to every person on this forum. what we are doing is try to be Mesaken the middah of yesod (lit. foundation) and we are doing it with tremendous Gevurah.

As I once said this forum would have been a Nachas For the Heilige Bardichever .To see how regular people are trying withal their might to fight the greatest Y”H in history. The streets we travel and stores we shop in stoop to the lowest level just to sell basic products. The media is one piece of filth. The computer OY VEY this is Y”H final hideout.

Let us all remind ourselves what it was that pushed us to seek help.What was it about the addiction that we hated the most. If you focus on that it will help you not slip or fall.
For me it was as follows (this list I compiled on day 10)

A. A crutch to give me instant satisfaction
B. I knew what I was doing was wrong.
C. I was making excuses for my behavior
D. I was a hypocrite
E. I couldn’t Daven
F. I felt guilty and ugly
H. I felt controlled (inhuman)
G. I convinced myself that I can change my behavior in a second which I know it’s not true.

My friends keep me strong. I really want to be a normal person I feel the taste of freedom.

Humbled and happy
bardichev

Thanks for sharing.

me wrote on 22 Apr 2009 11:20:


Yes, indeed, he mentions this idea a few times throughout his sichos. It can be found in 1971, sicha 21; 1972, sicha 13 and 1972,sicha 28. Each time he focuses on a a slightly different angle. However, the idea is not quite the way you quoted in terms of ratzon.  Ratzon alone is not enough.  His main focus is in terms of actions.  However, the truth is, that is just technicalities.  A person who wants, tries.  A person who does not try, does not really want, he only wants to want. The Rabeinu Yona (towards the end of shaarei avodah) writes that the yesod of bechira is the ratzon, but then adds that a person who really wants, tries.  So, I guess the two are tied together.  But to be fair, R' Chaim Shmuelevitz z"tl's emphasis was on trying and defining the a gibor and what it means to be zariz.

R' Chaim Shmuelevitz z"tl explains how a person is expected to put all his efforts into everything in life.  A true Gibor is someone who utilizes all his strength. This is what he emphasizes in the first sicha I mentioned.  However, in the second sicha he elaborates on the idea of success.  He points out how success in life, both in gashmiyus and ruchniys does not come from man but from Hashem.  Hashem wants us to try, but the results come from Him.  In the last sicha I mentioned he focuses how this is true for a kovesh B'yitzro.  When Chazal say that a strong person is someone who conquers his nature, it means that a person fought with all his might.  True, the results are from Hashem , but the efforts are from man. 

In all three sichos he draws upon the medresh from Moshe Rabeinu who was called a gibor for putting up the mishkan (based on the Rosh in nedarim, 38a).  Even though it was done by a nes, but since Moshe Rabeinu tried with all his might, Hashem gave him success and it was called by his name, as me explained.  And on top of that he is considered a Gibor for trying.

I have what to add to this wonderful principle.  Perhaps another time.

Rav Yitzchal Isaac Sher writes towards the end of his דברים אחדים to cheshbon hanefesh (a sefer reprinted with the encouragement of Rav Yisroel Salanter. Originally written in the early 1800's.  Probably one of the very few mussar seferim that deal with addictive behavior.  He uses the addiction of drinking and smoking as an example of a person trying to break addictive behavior):  "This is known to everyone, that help from Hashem is in proportion to his efforts to purify himself" [a bit out of context]

I have written the following quote before and guard now uses it for chizuk.  It ties in very nicely to the Reb Chaim.
Ykv_schwartz wrote on 12 Feb 2009 22:51:

HAPPY LAG B'OMER TO ME!!!

Today was day 33  .I kept  the advice ME sent me(sounds weird)in my mind all day.I B"H overcame a mild Nisayon which I was prepared for.Some of the tips posted here really do work.

I heard a beautiful line this morning from someone in shul I was thinking how it can be applied here.

"If you here the smoke alarm ringing there is two ways how to quiet it either remove the batteries or you extinguish the fire"

In battling this addiction I realize that there are alarms that could have prevented alot of this behavior but rather than putting out the fire and working with the addiction I opted to remove the batteries and not be bothered with the alarm.

The addiction which is all based in fantasy and lust which gives at most a quick escape from reality. Yet the price is so high it ruins every aspect of ones life
The dishonesty to ones spouse, friends and children. Most of all the dishonesty to oneself the sick reality is that the addiction feeds on itself and the horrible feeling only leads one to more and more sin-guilt-shame-sin-guilt-shame-sin-guilt-shame-sin vicious cycle.

I really am honored to be among people who are open and honest with how hard it is to fight this fight. And we should really try to reach out to everyone
on this forum. Maybe we should invite all the GUEST to join and fight along. Also it seems that there are many people who fought Y"H in the past they are probably fighting him somewhere but why not come back to the forum and we can all fight side by side.Y"H will feel weak he will feel the sick empty feeling he will fell the horrible shame. AND WE WILL BE THE VICTORS!!!

humbled and happy
bardichev
to celebrate my personal LAG b'OMER I made a donation to GUE

dearest poshut
I think you should not focus on the "aich naflu" try to focus on the "giborim".I once heard from a tzaddik that a person has to tell himself If I did it once I can do it again. all the menuval wants to dis tell you that you really are not a"gibor"
About a month ago I could not go an hour without feeding my addiction.So remember you are a "gibor" Y'H will be shocked  that you are back in the rink and your punches will be flying fast and furious.You will be relentless.
Fight a good fight dont look at the fall look at the big "gibbor" who is on Y"Hs wheaties box who Y"H thinks of as apotential threat.You will win.But YOU NEED TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT!!!

GO GIBOR I"M CHEERING FOR YOU

bardichev

guardureyes wrote on 18 Apr 2009 19:41:


BeChasdei Hashem Yisborach I reached 90 full days at the end of Sunday and I am B"H now on Tuesday morning at 91 full days.

On one of my posts I had once written that when I got a nisoyon I used to feel as if I was almost telling the Eibishter to get out of the way while I fought the fight.

Looking back on the last 90 days I now have a very different image.

I grew up in a home with TV, and I was addicted to TV from when I was a year old (my mother babysat me with TV) until I left for Beis Midrash and with no TV my addiction disappeared (but the damage was already done -- the years of TV addiction had greatly contributed to my main addiction). There's a frequently and variously replayed scene that comes back to me now of how the driver of a car/pilot of a plane would get injured and the guy in the passenger seat would quickly move the driver/pilot away from the wheel and take over.

I think of how I first started on these forums, of how after a week of blasting the Steps I tried out an SA group. I think of how I initially went an hour away in fear of losing my anonymity, at the same time unaware that there were frum SA meetings locally. I think of how in the SA group I was going to, the Back-to-Basics meetings got me through my first run of the steps in 4 weeks instead of many years or very possibly never. I think of how the group I went to had many years of history and they did not feel in any way threatened by my very different approach. I think of how I told my wife about my addiction.

And then I think of the events of recent weeks. I think of the SA phone group that I tried and the SA email listserv with a view to exploring possibilities that may in the future be useful to others.  I think of how I had decided several times to go to the local frum group but was each time dissuaded by a member of the local groups who was concerned for me and insisted that anonymity was a big concern for my family. I think of my call Erev Pesach to a Rov with a prominent yichus in a major Jewish population center who was at one time addicted and today, through SA has 16 years of sobriety and has helped thousands of Frum Yidden with addiction. I think of how the Rov "gave me over the head" for not going to the local groups. He was concerned that it was not good for my humility to be different than anyone else and that as an extra member I could be contributing to a group that helps Frum Yidden. In the end, on a second call this past erev Shabbos he told me that in my circumstances it was up to me where I go. I think of how slowly and surely I am finding this Rov to be my Rov for addiction shaylos. I understood from this Rov that I should really be going to the local meetings and so I got the number of another member of the local group to get a second opinion on the anonymity issue.

I think of how this past Sunday afternoon when I still had not reached the member for his opinion the strangest thing happened. I went to a frum chapter of another 12-step fellowship for a food compulsion and at the end of the meeting stayed to talk with 2 others. They had known each other for several months whereas this was my second meeting in this fellowship. We were discussing the steps when out of the blue one of the other 2 disclosed to us both for the first time that he had a sex addiction and was an SA member. I remained to talk with him alone and he confirmed that he was a member in the local SA group. I asked him whether there is any reason for concern in the local groups. He told me that there was a misunderstanding of the nature of the anonymity concern and I should not worry and I should definitely come to the local meetings. Later in the day I got through to the member I had originally tried to reach and he too encouraged me to come to the local meetings.

I think of how yesterday, Monday morning, I celebrated my 90 days together with fellow frum Yidden in my first attendance at the local SA group. I think of the chain of circumstances yesterday, Monday, following the meeting that swept me totally off my feet and lead me to finally surrender to Hashem, not only my will but myself... And I look back and realize that 90 days ago Hashem saw how physically, emotionally and spiritually wounded I was and so He pushed me out of the driver's seat and He took the wheel...

אין עוד מלבדו

Update from the old chart.

My last real streak ended at day 25. I don't know what set it off (maybe external pressure), but I got a huge pull towards acting out. I tried EVERYTHING, or so I told myself... the mirror, the inner shouting, physical exercise, praying for help... but it helped nothing. I was pulled down and fell. It was a huge shock... not only because I fell once again, but since I did not know where to improve!! Though I do know... my relationship with the Creator had "deteriorated"  a little; I had let the most, only, important thing of my life become less than what it should have been. I was not able to give up everything to Him. Something that is incredibly hard for me, since I am naturally someone who likes to control everything... and believes in the strength of the human mind; mind over matter philosophy. Why is it that I can drive myself close to collapse in sports and other areas of life, but cannot stop myself here? Is it because its an addiction and a foe so much more sophisticated and clever than a mere human body?... Because of my lack of will? ..  Because I still fail to see the first step of the 12? Or at least implement it enough?

Anyways, I was too ashamed to admit to You and my sponsor of my renewed failure, I stopped posting or writing about it. And it continued, a spiral of more falls... falling into a black pit... going so low as to not even feel very ashamed afterwards.... thinking "My soul asked for too much when it came down to Earth; that happens when you try and reach for the stars...." Three days ago I picked myself up ago, and kept clean till now. Back on my old track, with a better understanding of the first step. If it is enough, only the L-rd knows... ... I certainly pray and hope it is.

Greetings from a desperate struggler,
JG

Rabbeinu Guard Shlit"a
My only question is what do I do that this is preoccupying all my time and it is affecting my work?
I know some of the question is based on atzas hayetzer becuause when i acted out on my addiction I never asked these questions.
Im going to go home and put my energy into my family then I will go daven and learn!!

Rabbeinu keep on keeping us all holy.

Im going to prepare my Lag B'omer Fire .Tomorrow Be"H 33

See the second half of Chizuk e-mail #456 from yesterday (on this page) in regards to the feeling that you are dealing with this "too much". And see Chizuk e-mail #452 too in regards to your fear of falling...

It's a known phenomenon that people who are trying hard to break free feel a little desperate to hold onto something else instead - and this often leads to an addiction to GUE and the forum :D But what's wrong with that? With such inspiring posts, we definitely don't mind....

Don't fear, let go and let Hashem do the rest... It's Ok to stop all sites unrelated to work for a time, but in a while (maybe after you hit 90 days) you can allow yourself to a set list of sites, like the ones on our Kosher isle and our torah section (scroll down the page)...

Hello all my new friends
Thank you all for your kind response to my post. It’s good to speak to people who understand.

I am onto day 32 gematria LEV. I daven to Hashem Lev Tahor Birah Lee Elokim.

I would like to share a thought.

I am nearing a milestone and I am scared out of my mind .I am so scared to slip even a small slip. Every night I go to sleep and say B”H it wasn’t today .I wake up the first thing I think is I hope it wont happen today.It is making me very nervous.I accept the nervousness because I KNOW I’m in the teshuva process and it is all from Hashem.

I am totally preoccupied with keeping shemiras eynayim it is the only thing on my mind.
Is this normal? Is it normal that I keep on checking GUE all day? In my process of breaking free I was Mekabel on myself (and B”H keeping strong) not to visit any websites other than work related .not even news and kosher news etc. I have no greater satisfaction then what I am able to do but what I want to know if it is normal to feel that it needs to be so all encompassing?
I am sure I can answer my own question but I would rather hear it from the people in the trenches that are ahead of me in this battle to give me their perspective or advice.

I think of it this way and maybe this is the root of my addiction. I feel the constant need for attention. Real or imaginary the addiction gives one pleasure the pleasure feels good and then I  need more pleasure and look for more and more. Maybe I feel like a person who was carrying a load of garbage that was weighing him down now that he threw it in the dump he wants to know why he feels (and smells) different. What I am shooting at is that if abstinence gave me a euphoric feeling I might have never become an addict. What keeps me focused is something I read from Jack (who is a tzaddik yosed olam) HARD   WORK!!
Having said all of this I think what I am feling is mostly atzas hayetzer I don’t want to fall into any trap of his. I will let menuval know that he is invited to night seder in shul tonite Pagaa Buch Menuval Zeh Moshchaihu Lbais Hamedrash.Im Even Hu Nimuach
Im Barzel Hu Mispotzetz. What I need to do is take all my positive and negative energy
And put it into Torah and serving Hashem!!

I hope I am not sounding depressed because I am really not; just this thought of why I am so busy with my addiction is occupying my mind.


Humbled and still very happy.
Going from Lev 32 to my personal LAG BOMER 33 BEZRAS HASHEM
bardichev

About professional help. Iv'e gotten it in other areas, and 'completed/graduated' it B"H.  I've come a long way in my life, and have an unusaul koach to control my emotions and mind (the only way to survive what I ent thrugh was to either have ever thickening skin -which I don't- or be able to controll what emotions i will and will not feel).      I don't want to go into it too much, but Hkb'h gave me the ability to kick this too, as you see from the last 7 months. I did contact my shrink about this, in addition to my rebbe, but due to the sensitive nature of this (i.e. my shame) I want to do everything i can by myself for now.    But rest assured that I will only enter shidduchim with the green  light of my 'professional help' (who has experience in these addictions), and of course my rebbe.

but please, keep the chisuk coming!!!   
and the Mod's post from R Chaim kanievski, although i thought nothing of it when I read it, turned into being the most powerfull tool yet. I realised that from back in the day that I started to be shomer enayim (aside for the net obviosly) I have always had boundless siyata dishmaya. when my family was tight on money, I neve was, because all my needs where alays met bountifuly (and my savings allowed for the few luxury expences that I needed). Kal Vechomer (ben bno shel kal vachomer) to be shomer habrit in addition to complete shmirat einayim, when I saw unusualy fast growth in my learning.       now I am baruhr, that the zchus of waging a total and complete battle with my tayvas nashim will show peiros and syata dishmaya, just like all the pretim of it do.  Thanx mod (and for this site too).

I would like to advise you to get professional help.  You spoke about your fears of getting married.  I would like to advise you to solve this now, before getting married.  Marriage compounds the problem even more when the guilt factor multiplies.  And addiction feeds off guilt, as crazy as that sounds.  So the issue can begin to escalate.  The self esteem issue gets bigger and the viscous cycle is set into motion.  By getting professional help and/or 12 steps you will feel better that you are actually doing something about it.  Take the time now and think this over.  Remind yourself how much you want to change.  How much you want to separate from this addiction. And remind yourself that the easiest method is getting help.  I will echo what Guard has told someone else, "Believe me, you don't want to go down the path of addiction. It's pain, pain and more pain, until life becomes unmanageable. We can help you at that stage too, but we don't want you getting there.".
Now that you are a bachur, it is much easier to get professional help without affecting other people's lives. You can do this in an inconspicuous manner.
Getting professional help will help you hit the root.  You will go beyond the mere problem of not acting out.  You will uncover the character traits, emotions and perspectives on life that cause you hindrances.  And you will learn how to correct them. This takes time, patience and a good guide.  Now is the opportunity.  If you wait, the addiction has the strong potential to increase. 

B"H, here at this forum we are able to be "addicts"....we start out as addicts to lust, and then when change our addiction to one of  Avodas Hashem!

Hello to everyone here. I am truly humbled to be here. It is the most wonderful thing.
I can not believe that today is my 31st day without any assur internet whatsoever. Without any bittul zeman internet. I can't believe it myself I am so happy.
Just four weeks ago I couldn't sit in front of my computer without peeking just for a few minuets at all the filth that the Y"H brought my way.
Just four weeks ago I was the lowest person in the world living the biggest lie. Just four weeks ago I was crying under my desk and I really wanted to change. Indeed in the past I made strong kabbalos I gave myself all kinds of mussar I applied all kinds of advice but I never was able to ever go 2 weeks clean.
I B”H found a lifeline GUE I realized 3 things a. there is a way to recover
B. that I am an addict an addiction will need recovery not that I’m just crazy or SHVACH . C. there is other people in the same boat that are honestly working on changing their lives.
At that point I didn’t feel that I deserved to be on the forum let alone on the WOH.So I kept my own journal for two full weeks .It was so hard to change but all the chizuk from reading all the posts on GUE pushed me along.
I still can’t believe that I am clean for a month .I am not trying to delude myself to say I arrived I REALLY need all the encouragement to reach my short term goal of 90 days. I am really taking it one day at a time. I am davening for siyatta dishmaya.
I realize that the battle of the Y”H is a full time job. My shemiras ainiyim is on a very good level B”H.I am scared that I will fall so I am really setting small goals.
I came to this realization that I couldn’t stop my self until I admitted that I was an addict not that this was just a bad habit this is my addiction.Once I knew I was an addict I was able to accept advice from all the people on the forum because until one doesn’t ADMIT he cant be helped because its not for him.
I started to realize that the power of TEFILLA is so great.
I had a wonderful insight in the tefilla we say “VCHOF ES YITZREINU LHISHTABED LACH” we daven that Hashem should force Y”H to be subjugated to HIM. All my life I davened that “my”  Y”H should be controlled by “me” .NO NO NO I have learned from the first of the twelve steps we are begging Hashem to force the Y”H to be under HIS control.(I am saying this as a chizuk not trying to delve into deep questions that deal with Emunah).
May all our friends here be the source of inspiration that we all become truly the HEILIGE NESHAMOS WE WERE GIVEN AT BIRTH.
Please give me the chizuk (and mussar too) to reach my goal.
May Hashem bentch each and every one of us.

Humbled and happy
bardichev

What a beautiful post, Shomer! And "me" hit it on the head, as Rabbi Twerski once wrote to someone who claimed he could not stop...

His conviction that he cannot overcome the addiction is the addiction talking to him, saying, “Give up the fight, It’s useless. You’ll never succeed, so why put yourself through the misery.”

Other than try to stop and pray etc, what has this young man done to make essential changes in his character? That’s where one should begin.

I attended an AA meeting where the speaker was celebrating his 20th year of sobriety. He began by saying, “The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again” (but the man I am today, will not). Alcoholics who have not had a drink for many years but have not overhauled their character are “dry drunks” and will often drink again. The same is true for sexual addiction.

How does one become a different person? By working diligently on improving one’s character traits. Learning how to manage anger, to rid oneself of resentments, to overcome hate, to be humble, to be considerate of others, to be absolutely honest in all one’s affairs, to admit being wrong, to overcome envy, to be diligent and overcome procrastination. In short, one should take the Orchos Tzaddikim (I’m sure it’s available in English), and go down the list of character traits, strengthening the good one’s and trying to eliminate the bad ones. This does not happen quickly.

When one has transformed one’s character and has become a different person, one will find that this “new person” can accomplish things that the old person could not.