Okaaayyy....

So I watched the whole thing last night. I'm not really taken by these light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel type of stories. For all we know, he could have made the whole thing up or just had a very vivid dream. You just have to take his word for it if you really want to believe all that. For me, there are more concrete and down to earth, less heeby-jeeby-appeal-to-your-emotions type of reasons to avoid my addiction. And, as you'll see if you read my main thread, it has nothing at all to do with religion, unlike this campfire story of a video.
But if it floats your boat, then have at it.
Not for me though.

good for you in my shul it wouldn't last 10 seconds

people are very closeminded and dishonest

in my shul all they say is filter filter filter

and I argue addiction adiction addiction

somehow everyone comes over to me and they say bardichev you are right but it does not PAS to talk about it.

so i scream p**n PASes lust PASes hirhurim PASes no!! they are modeh I am right but they are too ashamed to talk about it in my honest open often too loud with a bit of humor and a touch of cynacisim.

H&H
bardichev

I have to work on a letter

I will post it here first BL"N

Ezra512 wrote on 28 May 2009 03:22:


Dear Ezra

Sorry for not replying earlier to your post, but reading what you wrote has reminded me about a very fundamental part of my program.  As an addict I am brilliant at justifying actions that can lead me right back into the addiction, by saying the deadliest words an addict can ever say "I CAN HANDLE IT!.  I need to be constantly vigilant about my actions and justifications, I have a boundary not to read secular newspapers, and reading your post has reinforced that, even the "clean" papers will contain triggering adds, if I want to keep up to date with current events, I can read many Jewish titles with the secular news and listen to the radio.  I CANNOT handle even the smallest amount of lust within me. Another crazy justification I say to myself is - I will just look to see if there is anything triggering in this magazine if there is I will close it right away, my addict side / YH is so clever, and I can only win by having clear defined boundaries and if I break them I have to be honest about it with someone, like Ezra did post it on the forum, as my sickness wants me to keep things that I do shrouded in secrecy and darkness that's where the addiction thrives, but it dies in the light of exposure.  I am as sick as my secretes and in recovery I cannot have any secrets.
So, Ezra, well done for being honest, but learn from this how sly your YH is and learn and place boundaries in for the future.

Keep coming back.
London

Kedusha / Hoping

What you write about the 4 people who never did any avayros it is interesting to note that only Yosef is called Tzaddik - Yosef Hatzadik, he was tempted and withstood the temptation.  Every member on this forum can add Tzaddik after our names, let us focus on how many times we are successful in overcoming our temptations.  I was told by a Mashgiach (quoting the Rabainu Yona) that I should not beat myself up for my past - it's like a person going on a journey with a knapsack full of rocks his progress is going to be slow and painful, however if he puts the rocks down he can move forward.  If I keep looking back at my past and beat myself up over it I am never going to get recovery. 

Hoping, recovery is within your reach if you really work hard for it, read through the GYE Handbooks, and find the solution that works for you.  If you think you are successful in your marriage / kollel life you will be amazed by how much more you can achieve without the constant craving for masturbation.  One the of the biggest blessings I have had in recovery is the physical removal of the cravings, the cravings were the worst part of the addiction driving to distraction.  I am now slowly recovering from a relapse, and I can feel that one day at a time the cravings are subsiding again.  Try not to concentrate on getting clean for the rest of your life it won't work, make a daily commitment to stay clean if 24 hours is too long (for me it is) make a commitment for a morning, an hour whatever you feel is within your reach and do whatever it takes to stay clean for that time. I know a fellow with over 20 years clean time and he told me that he makes a daily commitment to Hashem that he will stay clean and sober for 24 hours even if his tuches falls off!  Me too, I commit to staying clean and sober today no matter what.  Keep posting on this forum it works if you work it.

Keep coming back
London

Hi Everyone

Just a few words. I don't expect any relpies but feel free to do so if you wish. I am happy that I made it to Shacharit 4/4 times this week. That is a record so far! I am also 10 days clean from computer trash! 

I asked one of my Rabbis (A Chabad Rabbi... I'm not Chabad but I really like them). They are not dispassionate and are generally friendly and welcoming. Learning doesn't feel cold when I am amongst them. I asked him what is the significance of comparing lust to water in the Tanya? Please add to these very elementary answers

1. One does not see the damage that water does to the landscape from hard rains and floods. The water covers up the devastation and in this way "deceives" us regarding the extent of damage. Similarly, we cannot think that lust does not damage us. Every time we act out or look at porn etc it damages our minds as Reb Gue keeps saying in the handbooks. We may not feel the effect at first but we notice behavour changes in ourselves such as impatience and lack of emuna. G-d feels distant - that is the damage that is caused

2. Water just goes with the flow. It does not avoid "dangerous areas." It goes wherever it is channelled to flow. Water cannot care what happens to it. It is also inanimate, which means that it cannot cry out when it is dirty or polluted. Similarly, with us, porn makes us careless about our behaviour towards our fellow human being and to G-d. When we look at porn, we are dispassionate about the world. Whatever happens (our yetser tells us) who cares? We become "casual" with Hashem when we fall into these bad habits. That brings about destruction to ourselves because we lose our dignity by doing things which make us worse off like porn, drugs etc. When we don't recognise ourselves as human beings and make ourselves accountable to our potential the we sink into depression.

3. One idea I had, is that water needs to be contained be be useful. Also, if it is not contained or we lose our ability to contain it then it can become a destructive force (Floods and Tsunamis). If we do not control or destroy our lust addictions then there is only one path we can tread upon and that it... the road to hell in this world............. and in the next.

Please add on to this!     

Hi Hoping,

Welcome to our community. I am the admin of this forum. You have come to the right place. There are two prerequisites to beginning to heal from this addiction. One is admitting you have a problem, and two is wanting to get help. You have already done both of those. Now comes step three, actually getting the help!

The first step to getting "long term" Chizuk, is to sign up to the daily Chizuk e-mails over here.

If you've read a little bit through this forum, I’m sure you'll quickly realize that you are not alone and that we get cries for help like yours many times a day, both by e-mail and on the forum.

You've been going through this cycle of addiction for a number of years already... I'm sure you've tried to get up many times, only to fall again. It doesn't matter that you may have managed to stay clean for longer periods here and there, it's the overall pattern that shows this is an addiction.

We could offer you lots of great Chizuk and advice right now, but it would last only a few days and then wear off. Instead, we want to help you in a way that will be much more effective and systematic.

We put a lot of effort into writing up handbooks that contain all the tools to breaking free of this addiction, in progressive order. These are tools that we in the GYE community have gathered together - through hundreds of people's experiences over the years. These tools can help anyone, no matter what stage of addiction they might be at. Whether someone is just struggling a little, or whether they have tried countless times to break free with all types of advice and tricks, these handbook will be able to guide them on the right path. (See below for links to the handbooks).

By reading the handbooks and exploring what tools you've tried and which you haven't - we can work together and discuss a battle plan for you (along with the others on the forum) step by step, tool by tool. This will give us a clear "Framework" to work in, and will help you make progress, slowly but surely for the long term - and not just some "great" advice that will quickly fade away...

We are here for you, and we will do our very best to offer chizuk and advice and help you along for as long as it takes, but let's do it within a systematic framework so that the progress can be outlined and mapped, and you will finally be able to break free of this endless cycle of addiction...

Please right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

Obviously though, just reading the handbooks alone won't be enough. They don't have "magical" words in them . They simply lay down the tools before you, so that you can use those tools with careful thought, patience and determination. Very quickly you will come to see and believe that it CAN BE DONE!

Rabbi Twerski always says that this illness is like a spiritual cancer. And what will a person not do to get better from cancer? Nothing should stand in his way! To recover from this illness, we have to be ready to put in at least as much time as we spent acting out...

Read the PDF files linked above, as well as the tips on our website and FAQ pages, and read through the threads on this forum and through the archives of past Chizuk e-mails sent out.

The underlying secret to the success of so many people on our website, is that we learn to stop fighting the lust head-on. It is too strong for us to overpower alone. Instead, we learn how to give over the fight to Hashem, and how to side-step the lust, using carefully thought out techniques, boundaries and fences. To this end, a good internet filter is a very important first step. Please see this page for many great filter options. And I can hold the password for you. See this page for how to do it!

May Hashem be with you!

I have just discovered this site two days ago and I think this is the first time in years that I really think that I can do Teshuva for my sins. I have been masturbating for 20 years and I have tried to stop countless times. Aside from my terrible addiction, I have been quite succesful in other areas of my life. I am what some people consideer a solid Kollel yungerman and I have a wonderful marriage. However, every step of my life has been tainted with my feeling that I am disgusting and that if anyone new the real me, they would run the other way. I have tried to stop in the past but I have always fallen down, often to a worse point than where I was initially. I one time made it all the way from Yom Kippur until Taanis Esther. That night I had a wet dream and woke up feeling so degraded that I instantly plunged deeply, fallng to depths that I had not been to in years.
Because my addiction is not so strong, I have difficulty marking success with the passage of days. I would love some Chizuk from people who have dealt with similar situations and I think that I would benefit from some advice on hitting the bottom while still on top. I am ready to fight and I cannot be successful without the support of this forum. please help!

WOW
this is such a beautiful thread may I add my 2 cents?

rashkebehag asked a GEVALDIGGE kashya in hilchos Teshuva




It is a great question. I have as simple answer maybe TOO simple. Why isn't the MAASEH of installing the filter within itself called TESHUVAH?

Here is my RAYA the gemara in B"B that says if a man passes NOSHIM HA-OMDIN AL HAKVISA is considered a RASHA if there is a DARKA  ACHRINI

Now if this man wants to do TESHUVA according to the RAMBAM does he have to go back to that place .says bradichev(STILL WITH A SMALL
NO  WAY!!! CHAS VISHALOM by going in the darka achrini that is his teshuva

Putting my shtikkel Torah aside I would like to say 2 points

I heard a memrah from many tzaddikim (if you need a source please PM me)
What A person can se in one trip from Brooklyn to Manhattan on the subway (train) His ZAIDA could not see in all his 70 years in the ALTA HEIM

Ok so what that was then this is now is this vort another bit of nostalgia?
says bardichev(again I have a source)Why is it so /Why is ther so much SHMUTZ in the world? What is our tafkid?MAH YAASEH HA-BEN VLO YECHTA?Is there not aconcept of ain HKB”H BA-AH BTRUNIYUH IM BREE-OISAV??

HERE iS THE million dollar chizzuk teretz to all of the above

HKB”H IS PUTTING US ALL IN THE MATZAV OF OISO ISHA OISO MOKOM OISO ZMAN!!!!

IF THIS DOSE NOT PUT ASMILE ON YOU FACE HERE IS ONE MORE PIECE OF CHIZUK

OISO ISHA OISO MOKOM OISO ZMAN if you read the RAMBAM it is only a siman if teshuva was niskabbel IT IS NOT A TNAI IN Teshuva(I’m sure the lamdanim on the forum can explain)

So going back to the original question you don”t NEED , OISO ISHA OISO MOKOM OISO ZMAN.

I have some more to say but I think I used up my 2 cents

Humble and happy
bardichev

please read this over tell me what you think

tizke lemitzvos tzadikim!

Dear Barditchev, about your "vent", I think these Rabbanim are hoping to PREVENT addictions in the first place.

And even in the case of addictions, healing can't begin without a filter in place. So either way, a filter is a MUST.

So although you're right that for real addicts a filter is just one step, it is still the first step.

We should highly praise any Rav or askan who makes a fuss about filters... But we should also let them know about more serious addictions and about the GYE handbooks, which address all levels of this problem.

By hanging up flyers, you are spreading the word in the best way possible!

The flyer can be found at www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/Flyer%20GUE.pdf.

As I see it, filters are necessary, but not sufficient.  Even for an addict, they give the opportunity to buy time, to turn back before it's too late.

The Rav who requested that everyone install filters very much gets it.  The flyer has been up in his Shul for over a week.  The other Rav needs to be educated, but I have a great deal of respect for him.

Was I really brave to hang up the flyer?  I'm not sure - it's a very busy Shul, but I waited until late morning, when the building was almost empty, and the hallway (where the bulletin board is located) was completely empty.  I didn't want to be seen by anyone, but I, especially, did not want to be seen by the Rav, because he would then figure out that it was I who wrote him the previously cited letter.

kedusha

keep up the good work

where can I find the link to the flyer?

you are very brave to hang the flyer.I see so many people that "have the look" I wish I can approach them and tell them look at me I was helped you can also be helped.

there are people In the community who only beleive in filters etc.
To me it is like telling a drunk that from now on he can only drink old-williamsburg with a mehadrin hechsher.
I dont want to knock filters kosher internet well meaning rabbanim and askanim.

But THEY DON'T GET IT.IT'S AN ADDICTION BABY!! GET REAL CATCH UP ON YOUR  INFORMATION>

I am not trying to CH"V knock rabbanim etc. but they NEED to learen how to deal with addicts.

humble and still very happy althogh I am venting
bardichev

Dear Bruce

You are now at a junction in your life, and have 2 paths infront of you, you can either carry on the acting out path with devastating consequences or you can start on the recovery path.  If you choose the reocvery path (which I hope you will) this is what the founders of AA write in the promises of those who get recovery:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84"

I can tell you from my own recovery which I am not half way through that my life today bears no resemblence to when I was in the heat of active addiction.  It is very easy for us to look around at our peers and feel self pity about our lot - I used to do this regularly but it got me no where, Hashem has a plan for me I do not know what it is but it included my addiction and recovery.  The same applies to you, you are young you have your entire life ahead of you stop looking around at you friends who knows whats going on behind closed doors, one of the tools I have learned in recovery is gratitude, I have a daily gratitude list which I give over to a friend in recovery, without knowing you and from reading your posts I can think of many things that you should be grateful for.  My only hope is that you will take the tools of recovery as suggested in the GYE Handbook and work through them throughly and honestly till you find what works for you to get recovery and those promises mentioned above will materialise in your life before you know it, I have seem the transformation in my life and in the lives of countless other people in reocvery who are prepared to do what it takes to get well.

Keep coming back.
London

I humbly admit it is a machshavah that I was zoche to today.

I really would have never been zoche to this a few  months ago.

I used to be mechadesh chidushei Torah on a weekly basis .A lot of it  I wrote down  in notebooks I keep at home.

Four years ago I really got involved in this addiction the wells of Torah just shut down.

CHAVAL AL DI-AVDIN.AL AILEH ANEE BOCHEE-AH

h&h
bardichev

Here is my next question that is bothering me. I saw in the handbook that this addiction is such that Twersky says the addict has lost his bechira and cannot control himself. I truly would not be able to continue without a filter. Now. the only tshuva that is fully accepted is as it says אשיר איש , נעודו איש-  באותו אשה ובאותו מקום now if one sinned when he had no filter, and can only control himself with a filter. than he is not in the same situation. is his tshuva lacking?

Dearest friends I am at day 75

I thank you all for the constant chizzuk.

Last week we spoke about the "inside job"

If I may I would like to take that thought one level up.

BTW here is a disclaimer this will be a Torah thought .I’m sure no one will have a problem with that.

This weeks parsha (for those in chutz la'aretz) is NASSO

Parshas Naso contains in it the Parsha of SOTTA

Rash"i enlightens us on the connection between the parsha of matnas kehuna (the parsha before sotta) and Sotta.
says Rashi"i one who dose not bring to the Kohen what he deserves will eventually need to bring a korban sotta to the bais hamikdash.

If I may ask a small question what is the connection between a person being stingy on what he is obligated to bring the Kohen have to do with his wife’s behavior or rather misbehavior?

The answer can be when a person is selfish he is the center of his universe. He can not share his money he can not share his time his attention his love his heart his life.

The Torah is teaching all of us a lesson it is not merely a punishment to the person that holds back from the Kohen it is an indication what kind of person he is.

The addiction we deal with is fed by a craving for self gratification. That as an end is a catalyst to negative behavior. If we were to view success in life in relationships as how much I can give someone else how much I can make another person feel loved.
Then both husband and wife would have no need to look for more and look outside their marriage.
If one wre to give his spouse all that he can selflessly of course she would be ecstatic .So would  he, for he has become the ultimate giver .

With Torah blessings
Humble and happy
bardichev