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15 Mar 2021 20:41
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DavidT
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You can read here a letter from Dov on the topic of "loshon naki" etc...
Here is an excerpt:
More Emess is the only answer and nothing else. Even if it means saying things that we are ashamed of and should not believe as good Jews - if it is the truth we need to say it, and we need to say it the way we think it. Cleansing the expression of the truth is not really 'keeping bris elyon' - it is sacrificing bris tachton for a chitzoniyus of a bris elyon, for it will not encourage the refuah. There is no sobriety in 'maintaining appropriateness and derech kavod'. And I have yet to meet a single addicted yid who got worse from being brutally and totally honest with other safe addicts like him.
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12 Mar 2021 03:51
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Benoni
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Hey guys,
So I made it to level 5 whatever that's supposed to mean 
I don't wanna get everyone all depressed, but to be honest I am not doing too well right now. I just keep dwelling on my current situation. I'm a failure in school, I'm all but unemployed, I'm underweight, I'm totally lethargic, I lost most of my good high school friends, I lost my girlfriend, and I feel and look like utter dreck. I wish I could tell you all that I am just one of the millions who got unlucky with the pandemic, but this has been going on to this degree since 2019. For the past year, I've had to put on this facade to everyone I know, and even those I don't, to make it seem like I haven't just given up on life. I actually haven't given up on life, but I just don't know what good can come from it anymore. Every time I try to do something to improve my situation, it ends up being completely futile. Believe me it's not for lack of trying. I've tried 5 different high schools, at least a dozen medications, at least 8 different therapists, and of course the best therapist there is- HKBH. I still haven't graduated or gotten a full time job yet. And the reason behind it all- my addiction to technology.
I keep telling myself that this is just one massive nisayon from G-d and that He has given it to me because He knows I can overcome it. Only thing is that I've been waiting for the part where I can overcome it for like 4 years now. Maybe success in the traditional sense is just not meant to be for me.
Of course I feel thankful that I was blessed with spirituality, intelligence, health, supportive family, and a comfortable amount of financial stability. But I just feel like that much more of a failure that in spite of all those brachos, I've still managed to let myself and everyone else down.
I really don't mean to burden the amazing tzaddikim here of GYE with my tzorres. In fact, you guys don't even have to feel like you need to reply or help. I just really needed to write all this down. Ironically, I turn to the internet to do that despite my aforementioned addiction to the internet.
Oh well, at least I haven't jerked off in a month...
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11 Mar 2021 04:01
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OivedElokim
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Totally relate to constantly refreshing the page on GYE. GYE addicts...
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11 Mar 2021 01:36
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Benoni
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What concerns me more is even when I put my phone on zen mode (only calls are allowed during the down time) for a certain amount of time I still find myself subconsciously picking up my phone multiple times.
Would this be considered an internet addiction? Bad habit? Both? I too suffer from this. I believe there is good news and bad news for us. The bad news is that this definitely seems like signs of a technology/phone addiction. The good news is that we seem to be experiencing withdrawal symptoms (having those subconscious impulses to look at our phones)- this means that we are on our way to recovery!
The difference between this addiction vs let's say a drug addiction is that it is nearly impossible to function in modern society without having access to a phone. We need it to contact people, navigate places, and to an extent research things.
So, obviously, even though we're trying to recover from this addiction, "relapse" is imminent because we're going to need our phones/computers eventually.
Basically, I don't have the solution for you (because let's face it, if i did, I would not be on this site). However, I'm here to say you're not alone in this. Also let's be real, going to GYE or whatsapp when you have the impulse to look at something is far better than the "alternative"...
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10 Mar 2021 12:29
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Hashem Help Me
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Zedj wrote on 10 Mar 2021 07:12:
106 days clean
BH today went well.
Had some nasty fantasy envelope me earlier today (who am I fooling?...it was amazing)
BH it was only momentarily and successfully distracted myself.
I Don't have access to social media nor to youtube
however I still find myself constantly looking for activity or action.
it's either GYE constantly refreshing the page
Or checking whatsapp or news sites waiting for the next "big" bombshell.
What concerns me more is even when I put my phone on zen mode (only calls are allowed during the down time) for a certain amount of time I still find myself subconsciously picking up my phone multiple times.
Would this be considered an internet addiction? Bad habit? Both?
any suggestions?
It's a bad habit. For the sake of your future shalom bayis/focus on family iyh, try to slowly lessen your dependency on technology to feel fulfilled. A good jog or basketball game will do much more for your "thrill need" in a healthy manner.
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10 Mar 2021 07:12
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Zedj
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106 days clean
BH today went well.
Had some nasty fantasy envelope me earlier today (who am I fooling?...it was amazing)
BH it was only momentarily and successfully distracted myself.
I Don't have access to social media nor to youtube
however I still find myself constantly looking for activity or action.
it's either GYE constantly refreshing the page
Or checking whatsapp or news sites waiting for the next "big" bombshell.
What concerns me more is even when I put my phone on zen mode (only calls are allowed during the down time) for a certain amount of time I still find myself subconsciously picking up my phone multiple times.
Would this be considered an internet addiction? Bad habit? Both?
any suggestions?
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10 Mar 2021 03:39
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Cesare
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The thing is I never had an issue with it even during my early teenage years. Over Covid essentially I feel like instead of curiosity killed the cat, curiosity killed the neshama. It is a problem that started off with looking at immodest content (not clearly pornographic.) with curiosity that soon became perversion. From perversion, we went deeper and deeper down the hole to worse content and worse actions. Eventually, we reached the peak of my degeneracy and I came to realize if it got any worse it could become an addiction. I tried for a couple of weeks to avoid the content but I always came coming back. I did not directly ask but during a shiur the maggid talked about this service.
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09 Mar 2021 15:24
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in_ardua_tendit
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I had a fall again this morning. Even with the tightened filter I can still access some pornography if I try. One issue is I have preserved access to the Twitter app. Typically I do not use this app for pornography at all, but when my access is restricted elsewhere, I will turn to it. I went ahead and deleted the account I have used in the past to access pornography. I feel resistant to eliminating access to the app on my phone. Maybe this is its own kind of (non-pornographic) addiction.
I am glad though that instead of letting this fall "ruin" my morning I got up, showered, cooked breakfast, and have sat down to work.
Work is another thing that stresses me out and makes me want to do things to avoid it (like watch porn). My email inbox seems to be always overflowing with more than I can deal with. Instead of taking it piece by piece, it seems like somehow it's easier to try to ignore it. Of course, this does not end well though I seem to squeak by.
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08 Mar 2021 22:50
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Cesare
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My name is Cesare and I am new to the forum. I have had issues with the "stuff" I shall call it for about a year. It started with looking at a few immodest posts on social media and it has gone too far. I have decided for my own good I will join this program. I am a University student and I will admit there are costs of being in a secular environment. When I was younger I became a Baal Teshuva and I feel that the filth is affecting my mind and body let alone my neshama so it needs to stop. It is on the verge of becoming very very severe and I do not want to normalize the "stuff." I tried quitting over the last few weeks but my actions have gotten more severe and I feel to quit I need some accountability and somebody to talk to. From what I have learned from this experience I at least know that being addicted to something can not just be shrugged off. I still have a degree of free will now but that is wavering. Today was the realization if I do not get help now I will fall deeper into the hole than I can get out of.
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08 Mar 2021 21:04
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BHYY
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Yeah the counter is back...I couldn't stay away. It's like an addicting game.
Here's a thought I had last night:
These past couple of weeks I've been beating myself up because I fell after a long streak.
But since then I've managed to go ~5 days clean between falls. Here's news: I never was able to do even that consistently before my streak! Progress!
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08 Mar 2021 18:07
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DavidT
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in_ardua_tendit wrote on 08 Mar 2021 17:38:
Still, though, my addiction has control of me. I take action, even, to get around my phone filter. I don't apply the tools that I know could help me to overcome an urge. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 this morning because of this. I feel like garbage, although it's not all so bad - I had coffee, and water, and breakfast, and I would still like to get some things done today.
This attitude is fraught with danger. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that the prerequisite to avodas Hashem is for a person to be aware of his own chashivus. Otherwise, if a person views himself as a piece of garbage, then there would be nothing holding him back from indulging in his bad desires; why should he put forth effort to fix himself if he feels he’s not worth anything?
No one ever conquered a nisayon overnight; it’s a process of falling and rising multiple times. In a famous letter, Rav Hutner writes to a person who was struggling with difficult nisyonos, that we are under the mistaken impression that Gedolim were born great. Quite the contrary-- what made them great was their nisyonos.
Hashem understands the great challenge of self-control. He relates to you on an individual level and realizes how hard it is to win this battle. He knows the emotions you experience when you want to give in to your desires. He feels your pain when you sway back and forth and are torn over what to do. Since He created the challenge and put it in the world, surely He understands better than anyone else how difficult it is to overcome.
By realizing Hashem’s unconditional love for us, we can experience the most comforting feeling in existence. Regardless of how far we have fallen, Hashem still loves us and cares about us. He loves us and values us unconditionally because we are His creations!
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08 Mar 2021 17:38
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in_ardua_tendit
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Hi everyone, I have been away for a while but not absent from the struggle against porn. I sat here several different days and thought about what to write, but could not come up with anything. I'm not sure if I felt like a hypocrite, or ashamed, or simply exhausted. I have continued to fall every few days. I would actually like to be MORE angry and frustrated with myself than I am. Part of me has fallen back into accepting this as my reality. Being okay with it.
But another part of me is not okay with this! This is why I return here again and again. I also do the Lakewood online SMART meetings Sunday mornings, and some other SMART recovery online meetings during the week when I can. I talk to a close friend who is in the same struggle and we support one another. And I get chizuk from some of the other GYE guys I am in touch with.
Still, though, my addiction has control of me. I take action, even, to get around my phone filter. I don't apply the tools that I know could help me to overcome an urge. I didn't get out of bed until 10:30 this morning because of this. I feel like garbage, although it's not all so bad - I had coffee, and water, and breakfast, and I would still like to get some things done today.
The sun is shining outside. And I know - but need to feel and act on the knowledge, more and more - that the rest of my life is in my own hands.
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08 Mar 2021 01:56
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Grant400
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Benoni wrote on 07 Mar 2021 23:34:
Gonna post cuz why not
B'chasdei Hashem by some divine nes, I'm still clean from p and m. Regular internet addiction is still as bad as ever though. Also still having almost incessant shmutzik hirhurim. Any help to mitigate these hirhurim would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I've tried everything from learning Torah to looking up pictures of cute puppies  . Every day gets harder for me to not fall. My body feels like it NEEDS that "release".
It's ridiculous how naive I was at the beginning of my streak when I thought this would be easy.
TL;DR: Just another Yid going through sexual withdrawal Here's something I posted a while back. I hope you find it helpful.
"Grant400" post=353840 date=1597612614 catid=1
I posted this originally in the balei batims forum, but I realized many don't have access so I decided to repost it here.
There is a thread that discusses this topic but when I tried to post on it it didn't work so I guess I'll start a new one.
The question was how to continue functioning and going on with daily life even while under a lust attack.
I found an interesting way to accomplish this. There is a very popular method in therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There is a takeoff of this called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy or something like that) which is used to deal with things like anxiety and depression which I believe can be used just the same for lust. Personally I find it really helpful and this is my main method for dealing with desire in this issue.
Here's how it works:
Let's say someone has a fear of driving a car because they are afraid of accidents. Every time they sit in the drivers seat their mind begins to obsessively tell them how dangerous it is. What they do to calm down is to answer the anxiety back and begin listing reasons why they shouldn't be concerned. What this does is create a circle of obsessing. Because as they try to convince themselves not to fear the fear fights back and it's an ongoing struggle which never ends.
In DBT the patient is taught to "accept" the thought. Meaning instead of wrestling with it make a decision of what you want to do right now, and if that decision is you want to drive the car then you tell the fear when it pops up "Hey good friend! I know you! You don't want me to drive -but I want to -so even though you make me terrified and make my heart beat faster I want to continue on with my life". Now the reason to continue with life could be because I want to drive, eat, relax...whatever but you are not going to debate and convince yourself out of the fear but rather accept it and bring it along for the ride in the passenger seat...and continue with your life because that's what you want to do right now.
This gives one the ability to function WITH the fear. This will eventually remove the fear from your mind. Because fear is the minds way of encouraging you to do an action to prevent danger. Anxiety is the same message when there isn't any danger. By ignoring it and not reacting eventually the mind gives up. Obviously this isn't what you are saying to yourself...your goal isn't to remove it from your mind but rather to live with it side by side. If it leaves then that is a beautiful side benefit.
So in regard to lust one can use the same method. Instead of trying to resist the desire which will just cause one to continue obsessing endlessly via saying to ourselves " wrong, disgusting, not gonna happen etc. rather accept the desire and lust. Say "yes I would enjoy that, yes that woman is beautiful, yes I wish I could be with my wife now, but I'm continuing with my life and continuing with what I was doing" without trying to change the way you feel or think. We know we can't eradicate a thought (think shemona esrei  ) if I tell you not to think of apples for a minute, all you will do is think of apples or think about not thinking about apples which is the same thing. By not engaging lust in a conversation it will be easier to continue your activities and and will eventually cause you to stop obsessing over it.
Grant
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08 Mar 2021 01:31
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DavidT
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BHYY wrote on 08 Mar 2021 01:19:
I've been avoiding saying this but I guess I'll put it out now.
I'm not an addict. I struggle with my Yetzer Hora. Don't take it from me, take it from my therapist and GYEers I've spoken to.
The reason I've avoided saying it and shrugging off when people say "us addicts" in my thread is because, what difference does it make? We're all here for one reason, why brand us with titles?
12 steps does not work for me. Why? Because I don't feel powerless. I feel I can fight the urges, I just need to strategize better. Hence why I started going to SMART meetings.
Please don't read my earlier post as yeiush, B"H I don't go down that hole anymore. I try to stay as far away from that as possible. I was just feeling down and wanted to write out my feelings and share them with the chashuve oilam (and maybe get some virtual hugs...)
Great! We all have our ups and downs.
Staying away from Yeiush is the key to winning over the yetzer hara. You may be losing some battles but you have already won the war!
Please forgive me for my prprevious post (I also have my shortcomings and issues) and keep up the good fight!
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08 Mar 2021 01:19
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BHYY
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I've been avoiding saying this but I guess I'll put it out now.
I'm not an addict. I struggle with my Yetzer Hora. Don't take it from me, take it from my therapist and GYEers I've spoken to.
The reason I've avoided saying it and shrugging off when people say "us addicts" in my thread is because, what difference does it make? We're all here for one reason, why brand us with titles?
12 steps does not work for me. Why? Because I don't feel powerless. I feel I can fight the urges, I just need to strategize better. Hence why I started going to SMART meetings.
Please don't read my earlier post as yeiush, B"H I don't go down that hole anymore. I try to stay as far away from that as possible. I was just feeling down and wanted to write out my feelings and share them with the chashuve oilam (and maybe get some virtual hugs...)
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