BH,

Today is my first day on GYE. It's still Shabbat here, but my addiction has gotten to the point where I can't even relax on the day of rest anymore. I needed to draw a line, and I'm starting now so that I don't put it off for another second. I'm a liberal Jew, so I'm not as observant as I probably should be (though I love to learn from those who are! Any and all insight and advice is welcome and much appreciated, and I'm aware-- from what I've seen-- this is a majorly observant community), but I'm desperate for help. I've talked with my spouse, who has been aware of my obsession and still loves me unconditionally, but I want to get better more than anything.

I want to save my relationship before this does any further damage. I can't imagine my family finding out. It would crush me. And, of course, I don't want to do any further damage in the eyes of Hashem. I want to repair everything-- overcome this obsession, feel secure in my marriage, and be holy. This is my first step. It feels better knowing there's some level of community. Sorry if I don't talk or reply much, I'm very anxious about this and not a very social person.

BH, thank you to anyone who read this far.

With the help of Hashem, all of the heilige chevra here at GYE, and my own hishtadlus I have reached 90 days!!! 

GYE was a complete game changer - I had a 17 day streak when I joined, followed by a week where I fell a lot, and now I'm back at 90! In other words, I had one time period where I fell since halfway through January and now its May. Very good stuff.

What worked for me was really simple. Just motivation and posting on the forum. Still don't have a filter and still need to get one but point is if you want it enough you can do it.

I was addicted to masturbation (seen inappropriate images but never literal porn but might as well have been) since I was about 13 so 5 years that I acted out constantly usually every night or two but at the same time I always believe I can do anything and once I realized the gravity of the problem I started to aim to stop.

So this was about a year ago and before I joined GYE all I did was just keep a tally of how many days I went without acting out and I usually reached around 3 or 4, with my highest being 10 days clean. The only thing that changed when I joined GYE was the forum. Thats pretty much the only difference. So all I did was just keep clean and talk a lot on the forum. 

In other words posting on the forum is an absolute game changer if you are struggling definitely post! No one will find out who you are you can be from literally anywhere. Even if someone does find out who you are (won't happen) they are in the struggle too and will understand.

Pure willpower might not work for everyone especially people who are more seriously addicted but just sharing what works for me. I simply wanted to be free enough that I did it. It wasn't worth living life that way. And nothing will magically make the desires go away so you have to actively try to stay clean. If your heart isn't in it maybe you will never be free. You have to really want it. 

It will be hard. But the longer you stay clean the easier it gets you just have to make it there to see the other side. 

Hoping to celebrate with all of you guys in your successes and wishing everyone much hatzlacha!

Eved Hashem

Day 4

found this on laughingman’s thread. Found it very powerful. Don’t know the original source. Sounds like it’s geared towards addicts in recovery. I don’t think I’m an addict but I relate to the addiction literature and the quest for spirituality and serenity.

military613 wrote on 28 Apr 2021 16:32:

That's interesting, because I got an email from "someone" last year who wrote:

Hi Yaakov,
You've been such an amazing help to me over the years. 
I just want to give you some nachas.I got married a couple of weeks ago to the most incredible yiras shamayim beautiful girl I can imagine. May we only share in Simchas.

Suddenly when we're married and discover that our wife is a "real person", she's no longer so attractive anymore, right? 

Many people who come to our website for help claim the same thing: that they are not attracted to their wives and feel they need to get it elsewhere. But I will let you in on a little secret: when someone gets addicted to these things, even the most beautiful woman is not enough for them.

For example, here's an excerpt from an e-mail we got from a frustrated spouse:

"... The situation is getting from worse to terrible. These days, my husband doesn't only look at women, but he also tries chatting them up, even when we are together. He starts joking around with them and even made a couple of inappropriate comments. I don't know what I have done to deserve this! I'm tall with an amazing figure, and I always make sure to look stunning for him (and tznius). Am I not good enough for him?? I once asked him, 'If I walked around one holiday with you in a very immodest way, would you only look at me!?' He replied, 'I would be looking at you and all the other women around.' I asked him to explain himself, and he said men always want new things!"

I suggest reading some of these articles:

• I love my wife – But I’m not “IN LOVE” with her!
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/tips-suggestions/item/its-never-enough
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/rabbi-twerski/item/shekker-hachein?category_id=295
• https://guardyoureyes.com/12-step/item/misinterpretation?start=1
• http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ41.asp
• http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1733
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/not-happy-with-my-wife-s-appearance?category_id=283
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/the-difference-between-lust-love?category_id=283
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/tips-suggestions/item/einav-hita-aso-what-is-the-ikkar-of-marriage

Hatzlacha

I hear that 

Personally my wife was not gorgeous when we married. But she was pretty and I really appreciated the good things about her, middos warmth and all that. That is why I married her.  

Fast forward about 2decades and change. And I only have a greater appreciation for those fine qualities. She helped me build a home with those qualities. Helped me learn to appreciate myself even with my addiction. We have a happy atmosphere in the house and yadda yadda yadda....

But Inside? I am always dying for her to lose about 30lbs, scared for her health and what it means for me having to take care of a spouse that became borderline obese, really not attracted to her anymore in any way physically and trying to figure out what to do. - Plus I really appreciate her smile and good heartedness.... 

Do I feel love and appreciation for her as a person? Totally. But it doesn't change the fact that I am not all that excited looking at her these days and have a hrd time not letting the disappointment I feel at seeing pictures from what she used to look like to what she looks like now.

So... I can't wreck my marriage and divorce because I want to get with some hot(ter) women. I cant go out and get that physical interaction without arousing major guilt and transgressing something which is wrong both religiously and humanistically.. so what do I do?

The only answer I can see is to realize and internalize that no one gets everything they want in life. And to just appreciate what I have. I could lose a lot of the great stuff I have in the blink of an eye and I have to believe that God has a better idea for me about what I need. Maybe having this is itself a kapara for all the illicit pleasure I had in life on my own or with others.... Midah kneged mida...

I find that concerta works better for me.

I'm glad that you've been taking the adderall for a full month, and are finding that it helps your struggle. Keep up the good work!

easy wrote on 21 Apr 2021 22:49:

Addiction is one of the symptoms (or results) of ADHD. I believe it is a machlokes in the medical world if something can create ADHD. I think most professionals believe it is a condition you are born with, even if it was only diagnosed in adulthood. As far as whether or not addiction worsens ADHD, I would say that addiction makes life harder, and ADHD makes life harder, so working hand-in-hand they can each make the other feel worse I guess...

1 month still trying to get the dose right.
another question for those out there.
is it possible that getting addicted to something creates and or severally worsens adhd?

easy wrote on 21 Apr 2021 13:58:

I can definitely relate. Lust is often a way to just get the dopamine flowing. Addicts are often low on dopamine because of ADHD or the like. How long have you been taking the adderal so far? Glad to hear it's helping.

i have recently based on the advice of my therapist, and in consultation with my rabbis doctor and chavarim, started taking Adderall. i have found that this has helped me tremendously with my struggles. One reason could be is that i escape bc i am frustrated and my first thought is i got to escape. maybe Adderall helps me stick around and actually put in the effort instead of running from the hard work. i was wondering if anyone has had similar experiences. 
i ma not advocating taking drugs without consultation with your doctor

I've recently joined SA and started going to in-person meetings. I've been struggling my entire life, but never considered myself an addict. that changed when I looked in the mirror and honestly answered these questions :

• Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking and behavior?
• That you would be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?
• That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
• Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
• Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
• Do you feel guilt, remorse, or depression afterward?
• Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
• Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
• Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
• Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
• Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?
• Do you feel that the right relationship would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
• Do you have a destructive need — a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
• Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
• Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
• Do you lose time from work for it?
• Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
• Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
• Although your spouse is sexually compatible. do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
• Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

Unfortunately for me, too many of these were yes for me. And my life had become unmanageable. When I say I surrendered, I mean that I recognized that I cannot do this alone. And I need the help that SA has to offer. I need to get out of the isolation in which my addiction thrives. I am new to this, and it's very scary and uncomfortable. Hopefully IYH out of this change in direction, I can recover and become a better person, one who can cope with all the difficulties that life throws at us, without succumbing to the comfort of my lust. Hatzlacha on your journey, whichever route is best to lead you to happiness. I wish you all the best.

Fear doesn't generally help for addicts, but for people with normal struggles it can definitely be helpful (hence, the Tochacha).

Just four or five months ago, I considered myself hopelessly addicted to pornography. With the help of Hashem, and all of the wonderful and inspiring people in this community, I am now porn-free for 90 days and counting. Not only have I been able to stop watching pornography, but somehow I have gotten to the point where it is completely out of the question even if I end up falling in the other half of the struggle.

I think this is because 1) I have gone so long without it that my desire to not destroy my progress and to not get addicted to it again is bigger than my desire to watch it, and 2) I still am struggling with wasting seed, so even if my desire to watch porn isn't fulfilled, the actual lust is. Obviously I am working on dealing with the second half of the issue, but not being addicted to pornography helps a lot. 

For those of you still struggling with pornography, I know exactly how you feel. Just know that it IS possible to stop. I am living testimony and so are many others. Am I more human than anyone else? No, in fact I would argue that because I try to always be conscious of Hashem's presence, yet I still sin, I am on a lower level than most.

Using the taphsic method really helped me out as well. I found that, for me, having to go on a run as a result of watching pornography or wasting seed was the best deterrent (I hate running). Similar to what I said above, at about 30 days I became more attached to my progress than to the desire to watch and it only got easier from there. 

Finally, if you are able to beat the urge to watch pornography, it will really help you out in the other half of the struggle; I remember when I first joined this website and really began the struggle to stop, the amount of profanity I had exposed my mind to was just so much that I couldn't get it out of my head even if I wanted to. Back then, going three days without either was nothing short of a miracle. However, as I slowly made it to 4 days, 7 days, and then two weeks without pornography, my desires became fewer as there was less junk being pushed into my brain. In other words, the less you watch porn, the less there is bouncing around in your mind to create an urge (make sure to replace it with something kosher though, an empty mind isn't good either).

So now, I find myself at three months without pornography, and this reality is starting to have an effect on my battle with wasting seed. Much fewer are the illicit thoughts that pop in at random, and thus fewer are the urges; in the last 7 days, I had one, maybe two, difficult urges, but that was it.

Take it one day at a time everyone.

The time is now to make a change!

Reachstars wrote on 18 Apr 2021 07:08:

Thanks! I should do that one of these days too.

Either way, i tried looking up your story, but i dont see much.

As always a jew answers a question with a question:). You say you've surrendered, are you currently in SA or another 12 step group?

Just trying to under the question properly before I answer.