jewish1234 wrote on 26 May 2021 17:04:

Not gonna mince words - its hard. Difficult. Crazy. 

The initial stages are tough to make it through.

But if you never make it through the first few weeks youre gonna be living this way for the rest of your life.

And thats not living.

Thats surviving.

We want to live, not just survive. We can all give you as many eitzos and chizzuk and whatnot but in the end of the day YOU have to want it. You have to want it enough to overcome the urges. Urges come and they are powerful but you say nope I can't live the rest of my life like this I need to break free. And to break free of an addiction you need a long period of time without giving in to it to break the patterns of the brain. 

Levy1 wrote on 27 May 2021 05:59:

Here are 2 points that helped many many people...

1- Take the struggle only “one day at a time.” Try never to focus on the future or wonder how we will manage. We must learn to live in the present only, focusing on staying "clean" or "sober" right NOW. When we focus on the future, we can easily fall. It’s like someone walking a tightrope; if he looks down, it becomes so much harder not to fall. Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, “just for today, I will stay clean.” “Just for this moment, I will stay clean.” The past and the future are out of our hands and belong only to Hashem. When we feel that we are about to fall, we may even tell ourselves that we reserve the right to act out tomorrow. We are not making a decision now for life. However, just for today we will do whatever we can to stay clean.

2- Break the Cycle: We must realize that the Yetzer Hara/addiction wants our soul, not the pleasure. Otherwise, why is a thousand times never enough? Keep this saying in mind: "Just once is too much; a thousand times is never enough." We cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures ultimately amount to nothing. Isolated incidents of control are not significant when dealing with addiction, it’s the overall pattern. Staying stopped is the issue. We must realize that we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors. This is, in the most literal sense, a life and death struggle for our souls.

Keep Strong - at the end you'll win !

They say the call yesterday was pretty good; one fellow even called me afterwards, several emailed or texted.

• Blue book - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - "Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle ...., why take that one drink? What has become of the common sense.....?"
• White book - Tolerance - "Tolerate more of the drug or activity and get less from its use .... we remember how our lust escalated over the years." Attempted abstinence - "Some of us stopped every time we acted out!" Withdrawal - "Symptoms the addict may experience when deprived of the drug or activity. Not feedin' the hunger doesn't kill us!"
• Step into Action - "We are drawn helplessly to lust, tradin' short-term pleasure for long-term pain, over and over again. If we permit a lust thought to remain in our heads w/o dealin' with it immediately, we begin physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and neurological changes within us. When we gave away our weakness, we began to find hope."
• Rabbi Abraham Twerski MD - a woman is gaga over her perspective husband although he has abusive tendencies; she thinks she will change him; he becomes empowered after he acquires her.

Scientific studies show it takes about 90 days to change the neuron pathways in the brain created by addictive behaviors.

Our sages have said: "There is a small organ in a man, if one feeds it - it is hungry, if one starves it - it is satiated". The most difficult days are in the beginning. It will gradually get better.

There is an interesting fact that the addict’s drug of choice is not, as we would think, his or her problem; it’s a solution.  If it were their problem, they would eventually give it up. But because it is their solution—as a matter of fact, their only solution—they haven’t any real choice of going without it.

The addict uses his or her drug of choice because it serves a crucial, even vital, function. It actually allows them to live, just as food, air and sleep allow normal people to live. If you don’t get enough sleep, you become less productive, moody, even depressed. If you don’t get enough sleep long enough, your body will force you to go to sleep.

Never mind the fact that sleep is necessary for the body to function, and mood-altering chemicals are not. The fact is, for reasons we shall explain very soon, that if the addict could function without his or her drug of choice, then he or she wouldn’t be an addict.

Addiction is a pre-existing condition that drives a person to use. The addict actually uses in order to relieve the symptoms of addiction.

Recovery in a nutshell: addict gets tired of trying to make everything work; addict gives up and lets Higher Power take over; addict experiences unusual freedom, happiness and usefulness as long as, and to the extent that, addict does not renege on previous decision.

Active addiction is self-help (“I take care of myself the only way I know how, because no one else can or will”). Recovery is God-help (“I can’t continue trying to do for myself what only God can really do for me”). If one is a true addict, then one will not recover by trying to get his or her own addiction under control. By the time one is an addict, there is no human power that can make the addiction go away.

In addiction recovery there's a saying "KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid - Stop Complicating Life" 

This has been a familiar phrase since Alcoholics Anonymous began in 1939. It was the favorite phrase of Dr. Bob, one of the cofounders of AA. During his last speech at the national AA convention in 1950, he spoke of the simplicity of the AA solution. “Simmered down,” it is a simple message of ‘love and service.’ And, his final words with Bill W, his partner and friend, he said, “Remember, Bill, let’s not louse this thing up. Let’s keep it simple!”

In my humble opinion, movies are already a challenge for "normal" people, let alone us GYErs. It's very hard to find a movie or show nowadays which doesn't portray immodestly dressed women, or worse.
If you wanna be succesful, you wanna make the journey as easy as possible, and a movie, while a "fun" distraction, can make the journey a lot more difficult.
Several members here have had great results by cutting on movies.
For me at least, the less I feed the addiction, the easier it is for me. The more I lust, the harder it is to control myself.
Also it's not uncommon for one to be aroused by a movie and seek more forbidden material. Sort of like a "gateway drug". I know when I was 300+ days clean, I'd watch movies, but would turn away at the slightest cleavage or bad sight. Although I have to admit, I was playing with fire.

You say you can't stop, I get it, you need something to relax. Have you tried other kosher hobbies? I think people have a list of them in the forum.

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 20 May 2021 03:29:

Hi
There are many approaches and tools and the goal of GYE is to lay them out and let each person see what works for them. 

Having short goals is always a good idea. 

As we said many times, reaching 90 is not the end game for any one, if it's all about "90" then after 90 we're toast. It's all about training our brains that we can do it and we can change our bad habits (and even addictions)  with the help of Hashem. 

If something seems to work for you, go for it!

ihadstringsbutnowimfree wrote on 19 May 2021 19:30:

guardyoureyes.com/component/zoo/item/dov-s

There are guys in there who are in SA. Contact dov to see if its for you.

Hakolhevel wrote on 19 May 2021 14:28:

Your honesty will definitely help you stay on track.

It can be hard to out-think your addiction—it is, after all, a disease which affects your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. To get past the distortion that addiction causes in our thinking and behavior, we must first get honest. Being honest with your peers and with your sponsor is the best way to get the feedback you can use to save your life. If you aren’t telling your peers about your cravings and/or obsessions, or aren’t talking about how hard it has been for you to find a job or repair your relationships, how can anyone help you? It is your responsibility to tell people the truth about what is going on with you so that they have a chance to help.

Practicing honesty in addiction recovery takes practice, especially if you’ve been lying for a long time. It is worth it though. It’s certainly a lot easier to keep track of what lies you are telling everyone!  

Watson wrote on 03 Mar 2017 08:52:

This is a great Intro for newcomers

Lou wrote on 26 Jan 2021 20:29:

I kind of also feel that way Lou. I mean, I tend to exaggerate on the sugar for instance. It's definitely a "way to fill the void". IMHO I kinda of agree with what has been said. It's certainly wise to look into your "baggage" i.e. why do you lust? why do you "crave" kosher things? I feel like every addiction is a means to fill a void. Trying to understand what is it you lack, could be productive. And that, only you can answer with soul searching. Looking at your past and stuff. That being said, it's very good to be practical too. If you exchanged P&M for three slices of cake, I'd call that a win too lol.

To not further highjack R"G's thread (lol just joking), I've been so down and low these days that the regret was almost completely gone. It was going on a daily basis. Since I'm not married anymore, I felt like "I wasn't lying to anyone". Of course I was lying to Hashem. But perhaps going back to when I was married:

Onset of Urges:
1-Lonely. Total despair of the events that were unfolding. Need to numb my pain. In my situation "it's totally mutar" (lol crazy how we convince ourselves right?)

After Indulging: 
2-The loneliness feeling just got bigger and the pain, greater. Where is my marriage headed? How long is this gonna go on for? Guilty. Sad. Feeling dirty and impure.

Takeaway:
3-Although in my case, I think the get was the right answer, I have been acting out recently for other reasons, like stress and loneliness. I think being a needy guy, one of my main remedies could be socializing more (hard to do on a pandemic). Perhaps calling a friend. I feel like I act out a lot of times, only because I crave any sort of human interaction (kinda crazy but I guess that's who I am).

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 11 May 2021 04:22:

Just a quick point about how a person can get an idea if he's addicted or dependent (which is easier to treat).  

When people use the term “dependence,” they are usually referring to a physical dependence on a substance. Dependence is characterized by the symptoms of tolerance and withdrawal.

Addiction is marked by a change in behavior caused by the biochemical changes in the brain after continued substance abuse. Substance use becomes the main priority of the addict, regardless of the harm they may cause to themselves or others. An addiction causes people to act irrationally when they don’t have the substance they are addicted to in their system.

The experience of pleasure does play some role, because it opens the doorway to addiction. But it is clear, based on the fact that most people do not become addicts, that over time a person’s initial experience of pleasure is not what causes that individual to return to an addictive substance again and again, compulsively and to his or her detriment.

The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection. That said, developing healthy interpersonal connections as a part of recovery and healing is not easy. It takes time, effort, and a willing support network. The good news is that we now know for certain that this type of recovery and social connection is possible — even for the most problematic of addicts.

And this is why GYE works!

Yosef2212 wrote on 10 May 2021 22:49:


Chizuk will work for some people who are less addicted and more have a "bad habit" (such as myself) but depending on how deep youre entrenched you may need more than j a bit of chizuk. I'd recommend joining the 90 day challenge and being more active on the forum - think most people that have made it have done both of those

Sure - nutshell - I got married, didn't fully disclose my addiction to my wife. My therapist had advised me to disclose, my rebbe, not realizing how sick I am, recommended I not disclose.

I told her I was on GYE, but was vague about the issues. 

I had a really rough shana rishona, and if I posted on GYE and left the browser open, my wife would be worried, and go on the attack. So I started going on GYE less and less. I know, kinda counter-intuitive - giving away my support system when I need it most.

Long story short, had a baby, things got even rougher in my marriage, I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and not taking the steps I needed to improve my situation in a healthy way. I started escaping more and more - first to online games, then to fantasy, browsing online, chatting with women online, developing what I imagined were relationships with women online...then taking those relationships offline, as well. This went on for a number of years.

Eventually my wife found out, causing tremendous destruction and pain. I called my rebbe back, who sent me back to the same therapist, who in turn recommended SA at that point. I joined, and it's been really helpful.

I wasn't particularly focused on the 12 steps back in the day, but if I need SA to keep me sober, then clearly that's what Hashem wants for me. There's a part of me that wants to make sure I can understand how every part of the 12-step program fits with torah hashkafa, but then I take a deep breath and accept that for today, I don't need to understand everything. I can accept that this is my medicine, and this is what Hashem wants me to do today. I still can and do enjoy bringing Hashem and Torah into the picture, but I also enjoy the other messages that hashem sends me from other sources, and I'm just so grateful to be sober today.

I have so many wonderful things in my life today that I would never have without my sobriety and recovery, and therefore I need to place a high value on sobriety. 

I was talking to another SA member today, and commented that although "SA does not have any dues or fees," we tend to pay our own entrance fee - we pay it in money and shame and pain, and we keep paying until we decide the price is high enough, and then we come into recovery and start taking the steps we need to take because we cannot afford to act out anymore.