ARF wrote on 18 Oct 2021 06:50:

I hadn't thought about a name for the feeing. How did the pharaoh feel when he was worshipped? I would say liberating.

Hey bro,
You're going through an incredible rough patch. It's withdrawal. I've been there a few times. Do some excersize and mainly hold on tight and cry. Then cry some more. You"ll be done with it at around 30 days. 
You wrote that The root cause of the addiction *today* is that that feeling is ***wonderful*** to me.
"Wonderful" isn't a feeling. Maybe p*** makes you feel an imaginatory love feeling or an imaginatory safe feeling etc;
Name your feeling and find a more practical and long-lasting solution, rather than feed your addiction.
Caring for you

Yitzchokj wrote on 17 Oct 2021 19:42:

Maybe start with bringing it up with your therapist and ask him what he thinks. 

Yes, I’m in therapy. I just haven’t really communicated the extent of my compulsiveness to my therapist. I literally can’t hold back from my fantasies, I wish I could just stop thinking about these things but it’s like trying not to fall asleep. I was just speaking to someone who’s in SA and  he told me that he’s pretty sure that’s a sign of an addict. When I used to go to the Mikva on Friday my whole week literally revolved around it and now it’s the same thing just with fantasies and desires.

I need help I’m just not sure what to do.

Wow! It's quite impressive that you've struggled for so long and haven't acted out. I can't say whether or not you're a high-bottom addict, but don't allow the label to take away from what you've accomplished. It's obviously been many opportunities and nisyonos that you fought and were successful. Incredible!
Certainly though, it's clear from your post that you feel like you need help - both with SSA in general, and perhaps dealing with your past experiences and what that means for future possible relationships and marriage. Have you ever consulted with a Frum therapist who specializes in SSA? I'm sure there are people on the forum or at RELIEF who can find one. That may be the best way to get help and also to determine if SA would be helpful for you.

I keep screwing up and thinking that the root cause of my addiction is that I think God hates me. But that's not the root cause today. That's just the reason why I *wanted* to develop an addiction way back when. The root cause of the addiction *today* is that that feeling is ***wonderful*** to me and my self-defeating attitudes are just things that I keep up in order to have a reason to act out. Very important difference.

I can actually see myself demanding that someone bow down before me and worship me, that's what I *really* want.

Nuts ...

I was pretty happy to be in SA but now I'm working through my step 1 inventory and I am getting some lukewarm feedback from my sponsor. It doesn't help that a lot of other people don't like the 12-step program.

I just hope they don't throw me out for insufficient addiction or something. I don't trust my rabbi and being all alone I really feel the need to be part of something. For the first time in my life, I might add.

Also, not being able to see my kids is eating away at me. Last night I asked Hashem to take care of them, since I can't do it.

Today I read the story of Dr Bob's in the AA big book and that felt good. Totally familiar.

I'm starting to wonder whether the true meaning of what I'm going through is that I have to realize that death is the best outcome, and then it will come. Like Rav Yochanan after he killed Reish Lakish. He thought he did all the right things, but in the end the best outcome was death, he lost his mind and they davened for him to die and it worked.

I have excellent skills against depression but I'm afraid to use them. I'll talk to my therapist later this week.

Intellectually I think that this is my addiction working on my subconscious so I finally get aroused.

I've been sober for 3 weeks, and saying the serenity prayer helps me when I think that people might come and get me when I'm home alone.

Welcome to the club!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I know this might be a dumb question but have you ever tried therapy?

Here’s my story 
I’m 24
 I’ve struggled with SSA for my whole life. I got married and had a marriage with an unbelievable amount of physical sex but zero emotional intimacy or even normal human interaction. My wife reported feeling used, objectified and dehumanized.
 For the record I am not proud of this and feel terrible about the way I treated her.
I couldn’t stand my wife as a person and we eventually got divorced a few months in. I believe my SSA stems from a lack of a healthy father figure growing up. I have at least two siblings who struggle with sex addiction.  I’ve almost never acted out or even masturbated but I spend an inordinate amount of time and energy obsessing and fantasising about men and sex.
I used to go to the Mikva regularly to look at people but pretty recently I’ve stopped doing that but I still fantasise about men around me all the time.
I recently met someone who introduced me to the concept of a high bottom addict and I wonder if that’s the story with me.
 I’m also wondering if I should go to SA but I have two qualms about doing that.
1) I know many people in SA who never got healed and SA just becomes a part of their lifestyle and they just become complacent about their situation, they kinda feel like it is what it is and that’s my life. I haven’t really heard about anybody getting sober in SA.
 I’m also not really sure what sobriety works mean for me as a high bottom addict. It’s not like I need to stop masturbating or watching porn.
2) I’m afraid that deciding that I’m an addict will give me a ptur to do things I’ve Bh never done and always considered completely outside of my comfort zone.
 Sorry for all the run on sentence and nonsequitors, I hope someone can give me some clarity.
 Thanks in advance and tizku lmitzvos.

Im not trying to become part of whatever argument is going on here (it's OK to have different opinions btw, that's one of the magical things about being human) but I just wanted to thank the creator of this thread for recommending Easypeasy. I spent most of this week reading it, and it really changed everything for me. It taught me so much about my addiction that just made so much sense! Thanks to you, I'm finally free from the terrible trap and the little monster in my head. For everyone reading this, please at least give it a read. It could mean everything to you the way it did for me. It feels so good to say: Baruch Hashem it's over, Baruch Hashem I'm free!!!

Markz wrote on 13 Oct 2021 23:22:

Then it should be a tool used by addictions counselors, and not a tool used to actually break free.

But yes, it can be used to indicate when something is working and when something isn't.

I have started reading the big book of AA. Bill W.'s story is really compelling. It floors me how the disease is so predictable, I can recognize myself in someone from another time and age and with a different drug.

That should convince anybody that one day a coherent theory of addiction will be written down and become accepted by all, like Newton's gravity gave a coherent explanation for the motion of the planets and how bodies fall on Earth.

barber wrote on 13 Oct 2021 17:43:

A face to face meeting where you get to share properly is like taking a two-by-four to the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I walk out feeling like I imagine a 5-year-old feels all day. Too bad that I have to keep doing it or my destructive view of God eventually tears me apart again. But at least it works.

anonymous.lost.everything wrote on 13 Oct 2021 14:20:

i can second that my life changed by going to live meetings, its very very hard but once i did it life is much batter  

Maybe call another addict and tell him what you want to do. Depending on the details of the conversation it should help with the urge, maybe you'll get another 150 days!