90 days! It's incredible!

I'm incredibly thankful to GYE and all of the people who have supported me so far.

I would especially like to reach out to all of you who are reading this that have been part of GYE, visit regularly, but haven’t yet become posters on the forum. I assume, that for some of you, the reason why you don't post is a combination of feeling uncomfortable posting about yourself, or you feel “Is it worth it? Will it really help me significantly?". Maybe you feel that your problem isn’t as big as some of the others here, and you don’t need help, you can manage on your own.

All I can say is that before I joined GYE, I thought I tried everything and continued to struggle for many years. Once joining, and working out a diet of things that help (some of which I was unaware of previously, and some that I just didn’t know how to find - like accountability) it’s been so much easier. I don’t think this is a 90 day “spurt”. I’ve changed the way I deal with this in a number of ways, and I don’t plan to change that, nor do I think I’m done. So please, take the leap. Give it a try.

I've been trying to figure out how I've been able to make it this far - and honestly, it's been fairly easy for me. I don't know how many people find that they experience a major change just by joining GYE, but that's what happened to me. Here are some thoughts of how I got here so far.

I think there are a few things that have helped me significantly:

• The less the YH is enticed and teased, the easier the fight becomes. As Chazal say, משביעו רעב מרעיבו שבע. I used to think that referred to acting out, masturbating and pornography. I didn’t realize how much I was lusting and fantasizing, justifying that I couldn’t possibly fight those things, and it was a relatively “kosher” outlet compared to other things. On the contrary, that made it much harder! Keeping the lust alive, keeps the fire going. It blocks us from thinking rationally and strengthens the Yetzer Hora until we feel we must have it, and then fail. Since I started here, I’ve been focused on not fantasizing and lusting, letting minor thoughts and sights in the street and supermarket go quickly, and the results have been that my urges are much weaker and less frequent. ​

• Accountability - I’m still trying to understand how it helps. I have a mentor who I text and am in touch with regularly, I feel accountable to the Chevra here, and the 90 day counter keeps track publicly and for myself, so I can’t just sneak anything in with no one noticing. (Although people say the opposite of addiction is connection, I don’t think that’s what’s been helping me; I don’t think my connections here are any stronger than the many great and honest relationships I have in my life - but I may be wrong) I don’t think the accountability for me is a negative incentive - as in, I can’t do this because then I’ll be embarrassed etc. It’s more of a commitment that I have to stand by, a feeling of Achrayus - to myself, the Chevra here and my mentor. And a positive feeling - like fans supporting an athlete - that people are rooting for me and I don’t want to let them down.

• I've been thinking it helps in another way too. Once I’ve shown myself that there’s a line that I really do not plan on crossing, and I’m not going to allow myself any leeway (perhaps this can apply to anyone who can stick to their commitments for a significant amount of time) that changes everything. Part of what makes the urges so strong in general, I think, is that there’s a sense that I want and will get that tantalizing pleasure that is at the end of a particular road, whatever it may be, whether it be a fantasy or real, we tell ourselves we’re going to get it. Much like Pavlov’s dogs, we train ourselves to salivate for that imaginary pleasure we hope to get at the end - and that creates a powerful force and urge, even way before we might experience anything, just from the anticipation of it. But once we’ve made a real commitment, that I will not go down that road, I’m not planning on experiencing that pleasure, and we stick to that commitment, it reverses the effect. We no longer anticipate and salivate. It makes the battle much easier. (Perhaps this is an explanation of #1 as well)

• Information on how the Yetzer Hora operates and how to deal with urges when they arise. Part of this is #1, understanding that you need to stop the YH at step 1 in order to win. It’s also a lot of the strategies of urge surfing or externalizing the urge, not fighting it while not dwelling on it. Also, working on not objectifying women, seeing them as real people, and recognizing that lusting is and fantasizing etc. is mistreatment of them.

Overall, these last 3 months have been an incredible experience and life change. Truthfully, I never felt that my life was falling apart, and I felt I have a great marriage. I was scared of ruining it, and I was spending a lot of time doing things and thinking things that were counterproductive, and I wanted to stop as much as anyone - I just didn’t know how. Removing those things from my life has helped me immensely. I’m more focused on my family. Intimacy, though I never thought it was a problem, I now recognize was subtly, but significantly, impacted by my thoughts, and now it is an entirely different experience. I can live a life without lies, and with a completely honest relationship all the time, unlike in the past.

Thanks to all of you for your help, and thanks for reading!

Hakolhevel, could you elaborate a bit? It might help if you can give an example of a value that seems essential to you but might not really be important to you deep down.

Like you said, clarifying values is part of the "engine," and getting it right can be pretty helpful in recovery. That's why they are part of many therapies like CBT and ACT and recovery programs (like F2F and SMART Recovery). 

Once we have clarity on what's most important to us, we can see that our addictive behaviors stand in the way of what we want most in life. They are not just an isolated problem. This motivates us to work on our recovery because we realize how it will help us have a much more satisfying life.

In other words, if my top 5 values don't include P&M and go against them, it helps me get more motivated to get P&M out of my life. And when I'm feeling tempted, it helps to know that when my head was clear, I was 100% sure that P&M doesn't align with my top values.

Of course, for that to work, we need to be sure that my list of values is our list of values and not something else's... So take your time combing through the list of values (you can find a list on page 2 of this worksheet) and choosing which values matter most to you today. 

You don't need to share your top values with anyone, so there's no point in choosing the "right" ones that will make you look good. Just choose the ones that you currently find important.

Values are also helpful in working on Life Balance. Once you have the headspace for improving other areas of life, you can review your values again and set goals for each of them (that point is discussed in Lesson 9).

Here's another way to describe values:

"Deep down inside, what is important to you? What do you want your life to stand for? What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person? How do you want to be in your relationships with others? Values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with and relate to the world, other people, and ourselves. They are leading principles that can guide us and motivate us as we move through life.

"Values are not the same as goals. Values are directions we keep moving in, whereas goals are what we want to achieve along the way. A value is like heading West; no matter how far West you go, you never reach it. A goal is like the river or mountain or valley we aim to cross whilst traveling in that direction. Goals can be achieved or 'crossed off', whereas values are an ongoing process. For example, if you want to be a loving, caring, supportive partner, that is a value – an ongoing process. If you stop being loving, caring and supportive, then you are no longer a loving, caring, supportive partner; you are no longer living by that value. In contrast, if you want to get married, that's a goal - it can be 'crossed off' or achieved. Once you're married, you're married – even if you start treating your partner very badly. If you want a better job, that's a goal. Once you've got it - goal achieved. But if you want to fully apply yourself at work, that's a value – an ongoing process."

Warning: Spoiler!

Dear GYE community,
I know I posted in a different post a tiny bit about myself, but I wanted to introduce myself here on this forum with a little more length.

With the tremendous help of Hashem and this wonderful website and its members, I have made it to 90 days. I had tears in my eyes when I clicked the "I'm still clean" button and saw that I made it to 90 days.

A little about me:
I went to public schools my whole life. Everyone around me my whole life told me everything was הפקר. I was surrounded and bombarded by the worst of the worst. At some point, I was exposed to Torah, and I decided I wanted to live a life of halacha. When I found out that watching shmutz was אסור, I was [miraculously] able to stop cold turkey. I said to myself, if it's prohibited, I won't do it. However, even with time, I was unable to stop the הוצאת זרע לבטלה aspect of this sugya. This pained me greatly. My will power was unable to conquer this battle. I felt like my tshuva was incomplete. No matter how many rabbis I spoke with nor how many books on the topic I read, I was unable to win the battle.

This Rosh Hashana, I decided with total commitment that I am not going to die before doing tshuva shleima and that now is the time because I don't know how long my life will be. I signed up on GYE and told myself, "I'm going to do it; I'm going to finally do tshuva shleima". Today I made it to 90 days, and I'm going for a lifetime, one day at a time.

I want to say a few points here about how I made it through the 90 days despite many near falls. These are some of the things that I know helped me, in no particular order:
1. I stopped thinking of this issue as principally a spiritual problem, but rather principally as a medical problem, i.e., addiction. This helped me to not feel eternally doomed and sad, but rather like someone who had a medical problem that could be treated. This transition in mindset was inspired by reading Dr. Twerksy's book Addictive Thinking, which I highly recommend. In that book, he describes an alcoholic who called him at 2 am saying he desperately needed a drink. Dr. Twersky relates that at that moment, he understood that only an addict can understand an addict's thinking. This is one of the many tremendous things this site provides—understanding from others who are in the battle.

2. This one is huge: I read someone's post here on GYE's that winning this battle is two fold. You obviously have to stop looking at immorality. He went on to say though that you also have to stop fantasizing. What I didn't realize until I read his post is that the yetzer hara always made the latter seem 100% muttar to me. I am confident that this is why it took my so many years to get clean. You simply have to shecht the fantasies by diverting your mind immediately. Do not repress. Divert. Just start thinking about other things.

3. Daven. Daven. Daven. If you're not davening to be disgusted by violations of רצון ה׳, how do you ever expect to be disgusted by violations of רצון ה׳?  I began davening a minimum of three times a day to desire nothing in the world but to do רצון ה׳, and to be absolutely disgusted by even the thought of violating רצון ה׳.

4. Guard your eyes in public. I trained myself to instantly close my eyes upon seeing any shmutz in public. This is quicker than turning the head.

5. Immerse yourself in the halachos of these topics. Every night for many weeks I would chazer right before going to bed the Tur and Beis Yosef on the issur of הוצאת זרע לבטלה.
Chazon Ish זצ״ל says that you cannot succeed in keeping a certain halacha when push comes to shove and it's difficult if you haven't immersed yourself in all its fine details for many hours and with great effort. I would focus on each word of the Tur, Beis Yosef, and Shulchan Aruch, saying them slowly to myself. Ingrain the prohibitions deeply within yourself. Develop a LOVE and FEAR of the halacha.

6. Make good friends and good chavrusos.

7. >30 minutes of high intensity cardiac exercise at least 4 times a week. This helps blow off a lot of steam.

8. Daven. I'm telling you, you have to daven. This is an impossible battle without siyata dishmaya.

9. Don't ever think that because it's hard and uncomfortable that you should give up. Nothing that is worth doing is easy. Nothing. Be willing to fight to do what's right even though it hurts.

Thank you to all who post on GYE. I would not be where I am today without your inspiration.