azivashacheit101 wrote on 17 Feb 2025 16:09:

Some say he died. Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die

Hey Padfoot, thanks for the response,
Though some of the time it was defenitly lustful I belive most of the time it wasn't (when I was young I at times davened to be friends w/ thease guys [until I matured a little and realized I should daven for ruchiyus] and I would never daven to gain lust). Thease days I notice the charm in people, but it doesn't take over my life (lust does). I think guys loose alot of the charm as they hit their twenties and guys more than a year or two younger than me never intrested me. I belive some of it is lust related but a big portion of it is a diifrent drug in the addiction and not lust.
I hope you stayed human long enough to read this...and now you can transform back into a dog and keep away from those dementors!

azivashacheit101 wrote on 17 Feb 2025 15:26:

Hey! I do not know if you will find this useful, but just to share...I know exactly what you mean. I struggled mightily with this too. Stalking, obsessing (hmmm, other embarrassing things too...) about certain types of guys all throughout my yeshivah years, straight until I got married. 

I was convinced that I was gay. There's a lot of inner angst to be suffering in silence, not understanding how to deal with all that inner shame and turmoil.

Thankfully, after marriage this all dissipated. 

Only to get replaced by roaring lust for good 'ole women!

My thoughts about all of this in hindsight, is that my attraction to certain guys was definitely lust-centered. These were the guys that I fantasised about, it never was not about fantasy, for me. 

And since we are very much isolated from girls in our system, my lust had no manifestation other than with guys. All very normal and way more common than you would imagine. 

Obviously, this issue is waaaay more intense if you're dealing with "addict level" lust challenges. If you're deeply and addictively stuck in the mire (how one ends up there is a different topic) it just makes this really intense and all-encompassing. 

How are you today, are you over it?

Hey everyone,
I was wondering if anyone can give me any insight or just share similar experiances to the following problem. I am 23 years old and have struggled with lust from at least age 14 probably younger, but from age 12- 20 (at least) I had a parallel addiction which is clearly connected to the root of the problem. This other addiction is a "chein addiction" this means that for years I was obssesive about good looking and charming bochurim who were with me in Yeshiva. Although many times I did think of them in a lusful way, a vast majority of the time I just wanted to be close to them /hang out friends ect. (Spoiler it never happened because I was always highly intimidated by anyone I was obsessed with.) I would constantely try to end up near them, watching them, walking by their houses during bein hazmanim hoping to bump into them ect. It took me a while to see that this was crazy and something is wrong with me, because it started at age 12 (and possibly at 9 years old) I never knew anything different. Although I do still struggle with this slightly, my main problem is now with lust. I did notice a direct connection between the lust acting out getting much worse around the time that the chein addiction got lighter. (one of the guys I was utterly obsessed with left the yeshiva I was in and over the next few years the whole addiction to all of it largely toned down though Idk if it may rear it's ugly head again at some future date.) 
If anyone has anything useful to share ( and also unuseful things) I'd love to hear it.
Thank You

Welcome to the club of fighters! also, big Shkoyach for tackling this challenge before you get married.

Your story sounds rough. Can definitely relate. Lots of us fell prey to unfiltered internet at home by parents who were clueless. 

My Two cents:
1) do yourself and your future wife a favor and officially get on top of things and sort things out with your P use before getting married. I didn’t do that and it was a big mistake.

2) as far as telling your parents, depends on your relationship with them. In my experience , confiding about my struggle with people
I trust has only helped

3) as long as you are a biologically healthy male living in a oversexualized world, you will never be able to fully move past this struggle. That doesn’t make you bad, it just means you are a human. Doesnt mean you are doomed to be an addict the rest of your life, it just means you need strategies to keep your baser impulses in check. You can do this. People in much messier situations have beaten this. 

wishing much hatzlacha and Bracha!

time2win

My first time (posting) here.
Yeshiva bochur, 21, starting shidduchim in the next year. Really want to get clarity and make a plan to move on from P use. 
This site is amazing, however it is a bit overwhelming with so much information, much of which I feel is not relevant to my situation. 
I got involved with P as a child, but never had consistent access in yeshiva, aside for one year. 
my struggle has always been those random times my family computer filter was down, or at a friends house, vacation, new phone, etc. 
I have always been very conscious of the need for a filter, and have never been in a situation that allows for extended use. 
my GYE assessment score said I am not addicted (something I was very curious to find out). 
I am here on GYE now, because I recently had a nasty week or so when I was out of my usual safe situation, and indulged daily. 
I want to ensure that going forward, I will be able to protect myself, even when I come across situations outside of my own filtered phone. 
bh I have a rabbi that is young and knows the sugya very well. I asked him to speak one of these days, and hopefully he has what to help me with. 
These are the questions I am struggling with at the money, that I hope an experienced member here can explain to me:
1) will I ever be able to move past this struggle? Meaning for example, I have friends that are able to work on a computer (obviously filtered). At the moment I stay away, because I am very techy, and find it hard to avoid looking for loopholes.
will I ever be able to let’s say work a job which requires relatively open internet? Or will I have to figure out something that I can do with let’s say a Whitelist only?? 
2) entering shidduchim, would it be important to have a conversation with my parents about my years long struggle? I would want to do this if it means they better understand me at this important stage in my life, but would not want to if there is not much benefit, and just worry and possible guilt for allowing computer access a child that let to all this (they had no idea). 

that’s the main questions I have at the moment, I would love if someone that has a similar matzav could respond, as I feel I am bh not too deep in, but I do really want to have a good grip on what dangers and solutions I should be more concerned with. 
I will Iyh update once I speak to my rabbi. I tried setting up a meeting a few months ago and it fell through for a side reason and I never tried again. Iyh this week!

with tears in my eyes, bechor. 

"I’ve officially completed an entire week without falling into my addiction—this is the longest stretch I’ve ever had! Feeling proud of myself for making it this far and looking forward to keeping the momentum going."

Dear friends,

I am clean now for 25 days, but until now, what always happened was that after a while I had a fall, and went back to zero, until I almost lost hope.

I am going on and of the 90-day chart now for about 11 years, always staying clean for a while, until after some time I slip and fall back into the habbit again. Help me stay clean this time! Some facts: I haven't mas*** for about 6 years now, pray in a minyan every prayer, I study chassidut and kabbala online ever since Corona, and am married and have a child. My wife doesn't know about my addiction, and I like to keep it that way. Please coach me out of this predicaments and help me stay clean this time!

Yours,

Poedel

simchastorah wrote on 14 Feb 2025 08:26:

Hmm I wonder if that perspective change will help me or  maybe i have my old thought process too deeply embedded in my psyche. I guess i can try a 90 day program to see if I can reset my brain..

Day 103 ב"ה

Bh yom yom I kept my commitment yesterday and did not check gye till now (no seder on Friday, so at least till after shacharis). I have still not been on news etc. I am feeling such an addicts pull to go on news and reload reload reload. Mamash insanity. Please Hashem help me stay strong in this.

@redfaced it may help you to get up earlier to realize that it is not the early worm that gets eaten by the early bird. The worms get up much earlier than the birds, and only the late worm gets eaten by the early bird. So really you are doing all the world a favor by eating that good for nothing lazy worm.

Signing off gye till after shabbos iyh. Have a wonderful shabbos everyone. Except the late worm, we know exactly what's gonna happen to you.

Day 101 ב"ה

Ok so I have already been on the news / gye for approx 10 minutes today. Rather than throwing in the towel I will be'h try to stay off of news, youtube, social media, and lhavdil gye till tomorrow. 

Like amevakesh said, part of the insidious nature of technology use is the fact that any single interaction with technology may have nothing bad about it, but it somehow shleps you in to a whole state of being where you are living as a passive entity, surfing the waves of an endless sea of shtusim. And even though there may actually be much content which is not shtusim, when you're interacting with it in the passive way of 'surfing' you're not tapping into the sechel that's there, but rather an extremely superficial way of 'how does this content tickle me'.

When I was learning full time I barely ever went on the computer. I mostly went on to download shiurim which I would listen to on an mp3 player. The shiurim I would listen to tended to be quite dense in nature and require paying real attention to get from. At a certain point I found myself downloading shiurim of a different nature, where there was entertainment thrown in, jokes and such. I actually believe that that was the beginning of the road to technology addiction. Often if you mention how harmful technology is you'll be met with a response about how 'but there's so much good on there too'. And there is truth to that, there's really no denying it. However from the perspective I'm bringing up, even the positive content on the internet can be interacted with in a way where all you get is the klipa of it and none of the pnim.

Technology addiction to me means a thirst for a constant hischadshus in experiencing the world but hijacked by the most superficial part of experience.

The nefesh hachayim talks about how in every moment Hashem is bringing the world into existence by way of a different צירוף of His Name. Meaning not just is it true that in every moment Hashem is being mkayem the creation, and the creation has no existence outside of His 'פעולה', but the existence itself is of a totally different nature in every moment, and on the most basic level it is a way of 'communicating' a different message to us.

I saw from Rav Yaakov Meir Shechter bringing from Rav Nachman that every moment Hashem is being mchadesh chidushei torah. Those chidushei torah are nislabesh in the world as the events that occur. Every Jew has a desire to be משיג those חידושים, and if he is not being משיג the חידושי תורה through a חיבור to תורה itself, then he will feel a need to be משיג them through hearing the news.

I think what I'm talking about is something even worse. If one is interested in hearing the news he is at least interested in hearing the chidushim that are occuring in the briyah. But with technology addiction, it's not even an interest in actual chidushim. It's in interest in having the experience of chidushim without the actual chidush. Like there's something in the נפש which interacts with חידוש and you're just trying to be מעורר that inner כח to have the experience of חידוש without actually coming to imbibe any חידוש.

I hope I'm being clear. In other words there's a deep inner need to be masig chiddush, because the truth of reality is a process of constant chiddush, and therefore true existence for us is being פונה towards that chiddush. And that need expresses itself in multiple layers within the person's consciousness - here we're identifying 3 levels - 1) to be masig the etzem chiddush with sechel in torah (obviously many levels of that) 2) to be masig what's coming from that chidush mtoch seder haolam (news) 3) to have the experience of being פוגש that chiddush, the hisorrerus of kochos hanefsh.

And technology addiction means cutting ourselves off from the deeper levels and trying to satisfy the whole need for chiddush mtoch the most superficial level.


So like I said before I'm going to try and work on this thing today. If you want to be in touch PM me with your email address and I'll see the PM in my email and respond. Have a great day!

Thanks for posting this.
On a similar note Rabbi Shais Taub makes the point in his book (G-d of our understanding) that rather than looking at addiction as being a problem, it is a bad solution with the problem being that the addict feels a tremendous thirst for Dveikus to the Ribbono Shel Oilam but isn't managing to quench it in the right way. The addiction on the one hand is a poor attempt to solve this and on the other hand is a sign of how greatly this person deep down wants to connect with the Ribbono Shel Oilam. He just has to find the right way.
Let's keep striving together
KT

thegrave wrote on 11 Feb 2025 20:42:

Every fall on your journey - even though of course, that is not how we should plan it - is a stepping stone for reaching greater heights. Nothing you have gained in these 29 days is lost. Learn, think, analyze what happened, ask questions such as, were you white-knuckling, over-obsessing or overly focused on counting days... reflect on what can be improved and move on. 

BTW, I would not be so certain that the grave would be that much more peaceful. Food for thought, no?  

I fell,
I have mixed feelings on one side i'm free, free from the count, free from constantly feeling like "is today the day i fall?" free from constantly checking in every day. free from all this crap. "I'm sick,I'm addicted,im broken,I'm a pervert,I need help,I need to reach out. 
free from it all...
but i know it wont last it's only for a few fleeting seconds, I need to make a decision. 
do i binge? just go down a rabbit hole of just constantly giving in because " once I'm down I can just stay down." what different dose it make stay down for one hour or one year, who cares?! 
its not like there's a cure- 29 days, 99 days, its all the same, I've been to both ends.
eventually we all fall, it just part of the human dilemma, were not angels no matter how much I want to be. 
or do get up with the same false hope i gave myself 29 days ago "this time it will be different, look at all  these people in the same situation you're in. your part of a team!"
we all fight our own battles its not like I can give it to someone else, maybe we can be side to side but at the end of the day it comes down to me.
im so tired, so fatigued I don't have the strength especially not for more disappointment. 
I used to blame others: my parents for not showing enough unconditional love, my Rebbi'm for beating me mercilessly for a couple of years just because I couldnt read Hebrew, that one kid in 8th grade who showed me how to masturbate and came in the same room as me and lastly g-d for just watching all this from right next to me. I can never cry and pray like I did so many years ago and you didn't help me then?! why would you help me now?
I just want to die. 
-because only in TheGrave will I find the peace I hope for.

Ok, here we go a bit of update, mixed with some introspection, sprinkled with helpful insights from the vaad and topped off with optimism for the future.
I was basically feeling lonely and depressed starting thursday through sunday night with a few sunny moments in the middle, when I went to learn shabbos afternoon and sunday night when I left seder early to go play pool and watch the superbowl. Then monday morning I woke up totally fine, got a nice chunk of journaling done and had an amazing day in yeshiva. This morning also feeling good, exercised, some intense journaling, and good morning seder. So B"H overall looking good
Now some introspection: I'm not even sure where to start. Why can't I handle feeling lonely and feeling hopeless and full of worthlessness and despair? They're just feelings! why do I shut down and want so badly to escape, and can't bear being around people feeling utterly disconnected? I don't know. At least not fully or confidently, but I have some guesses. I think the starting point is that as I grew up over time I was never ok with feeling uncomfortable emotions and painful feelings. Whether I shut them down internally or numbed the pain with porn and masturbation I never learnt to accept and live with pain. I don't think this is anything special, this is classic addict gone sober realizing he never got the coping skills of life because he would always use or drink to escape. Fine so I have to learn to be okay with myself and my emotions, okay throw in some therapy and journaling and mindfullness and we should be good to go. It won't be easy or quick, learning to cope with challenges is a large part of growing up and maturing, if I missed that essentially it should take me back 15-20 years and it should take the same amount of time or longer to learn it now. Okay fine things take time, I'm okay with that. But in order to be really okay with it I would need to make it into a project just like I made being okay with urges a project which B"H has been largely successful.
However, I think it's reasonable to assume that I have an extra sensitivity to feelings of loneliness and worthlessness based on my history (AKA: traumatic and difficult childhood). Just thinking and typing now, if someone was in a fire as a child and got severely burned and lost several family members, it would be understandable that after growing up they would be terrified of fire and go to extreme lengths to avoid it. so too since when I was young I had a lot of emotional pain related to loneliness and worthlessness as well as seeing my siblings driven OTD by that pain it would be understandable if I, even subconsciously, would go to extreme levels to avoid feeling those painful feelings. So when they come, as is normal, I flip out, those buried parts of me shut me down and demand escape, not interacting with anyone which would exacerbate the feelings, and for me to do anything not to feel anymore of that pain.
Ok nice theory, sounds pretty good. And this is basically what I learned in a few months of therapy. And also how to work on it so I can eventually not react in such an extreme manner.
I think both points are important and feed off each other, also I became extra sensitive to it because it probably reminds me on some subconscious level of the greater more painful emotions of my youth.
PY on the vaad pointed out that it's not about not feeling, but it's about being okay with your feelings. spot on buddy spot on! Although I do believe that I feel these things in an extreme way and lgabai that I need to work on not feeling it so much, in general life is life and theres gonna be hard feelings so got to learn to be OK
Bottom line: I'm going to go back to therapy to try and readdress it, or really just help keep me on track to continue addressing it. Also Iy"h I will be more conscious of it and try to feel my feelings. The plan right now is the next time I feel the blackness coming on I will leave to a quiet place for 20 minutes and take time to feel my feelings and accept them and be okay with how I feel, journal a bit too.