Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 21 Aug 2022 23:26:

Hey brother, it is food for thought, and maybe relevant to many of us, but not all. In the 12 step program which is 100% successful for some of us, is there an extensive focus on “why we escape”?

Another point - you have in your signature that you “Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married”

Does it need revising?

I don't have a Rav that I feel comfortable asking this shayla to. Therefore I am asking on this forum if anyone knows the answer.

I have had an addiction problem when I was single. Once I got married I got it under control.
However, during the beginning of the 12-14 day niddah cycles I keep falling repeatedly. It's like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Two weeks is just too long. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANY TIPS OR ADVICE ON HOW TO CONTROL MY ADDICTION. I have already read most of the GYE website.
I am asking specifically if anyone knows if Halacha will permit my wife to keep Niddah D'oraysa and go to the mikva after seven days. This way I can control myself knowing it's just a few days until we'll be muttar again.The way I see it, chumrah drav zeira is making me be oiver serious issurim.

Thanks in advance.

Disclaimer: as you requested, I am not gonna try to "advise you in how to control your addiction," as you put it. I will explain exactly why, later. Now, be"H, to the ikkar:

Of course you "do not have a Rov I am comfortable asking this to."

We know that your shayloh is about a hanhoga that would be a huge and rare heter - and to truly answer such a shayloh you'd need to open up to any Rov about the details of: how hard it is for you, what you do when she's asurah for the second week, vs the first week, how often you sin and how badly, what goes on in the bedroom and what isn't going on, whether you came into the marriage with a 'zera levatola problem' or a porn use problem already, etc. 

So the priblem here is not finding a Rov who is the kind of person you'd be comfortable asking this to, of course. It's that you (or any of us!) are waayyy too ashamed to be open enough to provide all the details that any Rov would of course need in order to answer this shayloh. And to get the right feel for the true circumstances of your situation, he would most likely have to meet you in person, for this is obviously a very sensitive and individualized heter you are asking about.

So to be clear: the problem is not, "I don't have a Rov that I feel comfortable asking this shayloh to," but rather that you'd never ask this shayloh properly to any Rov, of course. The problem you are suffering so painfully from is that you are too ashamed to properly ask this important shayloh. The problem is shame, not finding a Rov. It's in you, not in "the Rabbonim you already know not making you feel comfortable enough to ask."

Same as with your wife. The problem is not her, not in her (normal) cycle, not in the 'pesky d'rabonon requirements' put on you, nor in any other circumstances around you. 

The problem is you and your own character. And I doubt that you are an addict or have any addiction, at all - and I'm an addict myself saying this, chaver! I think you just have no clue yet how to deal with your own yetzer hora and your own sexuality. It is unfortunate that you are also probably too ashamed to open up about this to anyone. There are many who could help you, if you would really be open and honest about it all. But the only people who are safe, are people who are those who are 1- willing to meet you in person to talk about it and 2- are also clean for years, themselves. My advice is to stay away from random people posting on any username-based website such as GYE. Your problem is a real one, it is a real-life issue and your marriage and life are are in the balance. Many here are philosophers and advisers - from a safe distance - and have nothing of their own to offer that's real or proven over time. Quoting p'sukim and sforim means nothing, necessarily.

If you would like a good, experienced Rov and Posek to discuss your issue with who will be safe, I can give you his USA number. But be prepared to be fully open with him. He is tried and tested and safe. Many people I have send him from GYE have expressed thanks, and he may help you get the help you really need - which I maintain is probably not with 'controlling your addiction', but just learning how to be healthy in general. Torah helps with that when it's from a Rov who really understands and has experience with issues like yours.

Hatzlocha chaver!

Dov

My name is Noam. I've never wrote anything here, but this is a holy website with holy people, and I feel so alone and would like at least some response.

I have always struggled with loneliness. I used to not have many friends. Thank G-d, I do have them now and many people who care about me. Then my mom passed away suddenly at 60 a year ago, followed by my grandfather. This turned every issue I had up to an 11. I feel alone and sad and depressed consistently. I have like 3 therapists and probably more to come, but this year has been indescribably painful, and through it all(and even before the tragedy), this 
I am addicted to sex chat and reading. I do it for hours some days. About the worst, most menuval things, things that don't define me but are a part of the way Hashem made me. Also other fantasies, terrible things that I wish Hashem would just spare me from. It's so hard to not think about them, and I feel so lowly.
But I keep failing, and failing, and failing. Doing the same aveiros over and over again on auto pilot. I don't even like it when I do it anymore, I'm just said and want to stop. Everytime I say Slach Lanu in Shemoneh Esrei or Tachanun, I feel like a lying hypocrite. I KNOW I'll go home, and I KNOW I'll do it again, maybe not right away, but it will happen. Every day I am alive just feels like I'm digging myself a bigger spot in Gehenom with regards to this inyan. Every day I just reset, back to where I was the day before, full of energy and ready to change at the beginning of the day, and haunted and crushed by my own failure at the end of it. I believe and know everything is for the best, but I don't know how Hashem wants me to change besides throwing everything I have out the window, which isn't feasible for me.
I'll continue this tomorrow: it's 1:35 AM.

My name is Noam. I've never wrote anything here, but this is a holy website with holy people, and I feel so alone and would like at least some response.

I have always struggled with loneliness. I used to not have many friends. Thank G-d, I do have them now and many people who care about me. Then my mom passed away suddenly at 60 a year ago, followed by my grandfather. This turned every issue I had up to an 11. I feel alone and sad and depressed consistently. I have like 3 therapists and probably more to come, but this year has been indescribably painful, and through it all(and even before the tragedy), this 
I am addicted to sex chat and reading. I do it for hours some days. About the worst, most menuval things, things that don't define me but are a part of the way Hashem made me. Also other fantasies, terrible things that I wish Hashem would just spare me from. It's so hard to not think about them, and I feel so lowly.
But I keep failing, and failing, and failing. Doing the same aveiros over and over again on auto pilot. I don't even like it when I do it anymore, I'm just said and want to stop. Everytime I say Slach Lanu in Shemoneh Esrei or Tachanun, I feel like a lying hypocrite. I KNOW I'll go home, and I KNOW I'll do it again, maybe not right away, but it will happen. Every day I am alive just feels like I'm digging myself a bigger spot in Gehenom with regards to this inyan. Every day I just reset, back to where I was the day before, full of energy and ready to change at the beginning of the day, and haunted and crushed by my own failure at the end of it. I believe and know everything is for the best, but I don't know how Hashem wants me to change besides throwing everything I have out the window, which isn't feasible for me.
I'll continue this tomorrow: it's 1:35 AM.

I signed up to GYE 3 days ago....determined to complete the 90 day challenge. And here I am 3 days later after I just fell into the lowest. 
honestly it feels that my urges get stronger in response to my determination to do teshuva. I understand it helps me if I manage to resist....but G-d, you know me. I'm addicted! How can I resist?

Onthewagon wrote on 14 Aug 2022 14:02:

Here you can listen to the shiur
www.theyeshiva.net/jewish/8460/adult-content-webinar-with-rabbi-yy-eli-nash-the-shame-around-addiction

Hi, I just joined the program, im not sure that here is the rught place for this questions 
I would like to know if this program is only for p&m or also for someone that is much more deep in the situation, the p&m is only a part of the issue, the main issue is that I once went to a massage parlor, and the rest is history, I can go on for few weeks without even thinking of going to a massage, but once I remind myself about this momentarily pleasure, something is starting urge in my mind, and I can't stop of thinking about it until I actually go to the massage parlor, but in the beginning I just did the minor stuff, but after getting used to it I went to the next level of actually............., so I was wondering if this program is only for level 1 of just p&m or I still have hope? Please help me,
Somehow i feel that I'm the only person struggling with that, I know that p&m is something that a lot of people are struggling, but to actually end up ......... with other women is something that I feel I'm the only chasidic jew struggling, 
Thanks a million

First time posting. I began my journey about a year ago with many small successes, but never more than a month without porn and masturbation (streaks usually are closer to a week, sometimes two). My inspiration has mainly been the online nofap community. ​I am currently about 5 days sober (I try not to count) and feeling extremely vulnerable.  

After watching Eli Nash's 3 and half hour Q&A with Rabbi YY Jacobson, I have resolved to take my recovery to the next level.

As a first step, I would like to start attending in person support groups. Does anyone know of any in or near Monsey?

What's missing from your post is motivation.
You would like to stop, but there is nothing pressing.
Sometimes an addict needs to hit bottom before he is truly ready to grow.
I suppose if your wife came back from the doctor with a diagnosis of a sexually transmitted disease, things would shift in a big way.
But so far, so good.

I agree with frank.lee.  We think we're all so smart and can fool everyone; make it seem like everything is OK.  We're all great husbands, fathers and lovers.
Until we find out our wives are crying and dying inside from lack of connection with the man they committed their lives to.

For me, my motivation was that the dual life became intolerable.
And the struggle was miserable.  You know the cycle -- sneaking hits of lust here and there, fighting the urge to go further, ultimately giving in, feeling duped and guilty, or just numb.  Repeat.

It's much easier to fight this battle from outside the ring.  I just need to stay out of the ring.
Once I'm dabbling in lust, I'm in the ring, it's exhausting and I'm going to get clobbered.

I was tired of being out of control.  Of having a base desire control my life and my actions.
I wanted to be whole, to be real.
Fantasies are sweet.  Like candy.  But real food is so much better.

You did write:
"On the other hand my entire internal world is in decay. I feel disconnected, shameful, frustrated and depressed. I put on a happy face for my kids but inside I am dying slowly."

Real life isn't candy, but it can be very sweet.

None of us can give you motivation.  I'm just sharing my own.
Maybe others can share also.
Maybe something will click for you.
Before something snaps.