Update - maybe i can make this into some sort of blog? Never done anything like this before. I spent a few hours scrolling through GYE last night, and my wife asked if maybe this would trigger me? I wasn't sure but i said probably not.

I'd like to add on to the story that although i was shomer habrit when i got married, my hashkafa and mindset toward sex was still pretty twisted. my wife is 100% a giver, even when it is not good for her, and i am the first man she was ever with - so for the entirety of shana rishona, we were "intimate" (although i believe the actual intimacy of it went out the window pretty fast) every day, sometimes multiple times a day. 

This damaged her emotionally, since she thought she was protecting me from the dangers of the outside world but in reality i was just using her to indulge. fast forward 5 or 6 years, and we are now trying very hard to rebuild our intimacy and take down the emotional walls that she has put up around sex, in order to protect herself from the pain of what she went through in our first year. 

anyway, i woke up this morning at the tail end of a wet dream, and BH instead of "Diving in" and finishing the dream with "a swim," i managed to cut it before it ended and wake up right away. 

The first thing i did is hop on GYE and write about it. I hope that this is not becoming an outlet for me to replace my addictions that i broke off from (drugs, movies, news, etc), but only time will tell. 

goodbye for now fellow anons. 

Wow. Something crazy happened to me today!

The idea came into my head a couple of days ago to go somewhere where I could watch porn. It's been bubbling ever since, but I've mostly dismissed it. Part of me considered it "out of the cards" at this point, largely due to the fact that I want to start dating soon and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it without having a few months clean, at least from porn if not masturbation.
However the tayva radically increased today (as I'm typing this the tayva is coming back to me...) and I had a chavrusa in the vicinity of "that place". I decided, in face of a cacophony of voices shouting "NO!", that I would go watch porn right after the chavrusa was over.
So the chavrusa ended and I pull my phone out of my pocket, look and see a text from a GYE friend who I saw earlier today briefly but didn't have a chance to speak to. He lives out of town so I don't see him often, but he comes in every now and then. So he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up.

I was floored. Felt like this was G-d's way of saving me from breaking my almost three month porn-free streak.
So I made up to meet him after Maariv. Davened and went out to meet him. We spoke on a street corner for over an hour. Gave me a lot to think about, especially in terms of what my next step should be in fighting this habit/addiction. 

Anyways G-d saved me from falling today. Concerned about tomorrow though...

My 5 Mitzvos:​

1. Mincha b'tzibur
2. Chassidus chavrusa
3. Gemara chavrusa
4. Shulchan Aruch chavrusa
5. Maariv b'tzibur

Good night boys,
OivedElokim

Hi Fellow friend, and courageous baal Tshuva! 

Welcome aboard! And thanks for you honest and open post! 

There are many levels of addictive behaviors, and many great methods to work on them. I would suggest you read some of the forums here, to get comfortable with the different ideas, and situations, and find to where you relate most. (Read threw some old ones too)

I just wanna point out, that for most of us, this is a journey, and not a quick one time fix, so don't get discouraged from the bumps on the road, just keep your eyes on the goal, and ride the waves... 

May Hashem help you find the right path for youself to sobriety and meaning. 

Hello, Friends.

My name is iLoveHashem247. I am a married man with a supportive wife and three wonderful kids. Looking at my life from an outsider's perspective, you'd think I have it all. I own a renovated home on my own private road with lots of land, run my own business with which i support myself, am fortunate to be able to learn many more hours a week than i work,  and am a popular and recognized member of my community - and I'm not yet 30 years old. But all this comes with a price tag - a lifelong struggle with addiction, mostly with marijuana and risky sexual encounters. 

I had girlfriends in high school before becoming BT, and had shmirat habrit challenges, like most teens. I struggled with SB and engaging in sexual activities at massage parlors but was able to be clean for at least 6 months before marriage. during my wife's pregnancy with our second child, i unfortunately reverted back to my pre-BT habbit of recreational marijuana during the stress of a second pregnancy (the first one outside of the shana rishona "infatuation zone"), which in turn let down a rabbit hole of other issues... i had recently been visiting massage parlors, not for the sexual experience (i do not engage in any "happy endings" anymore, rather when i do succumb it is for the exhibitionism that i can indulge in without making a massive chillul Hashem). I am also very disappointed to admit that i had a sexual encounter with a shiksa who picked up a business card i had left at a restaurant i ate in, she sent me lewd photos and we met up one time (sept 12, '22) where she performed oral sex on me. 

I am struggling to break out of these addictive patterns - i have recently filtered my home office desktop, my work laptop, and my smartphone i use to run my business (main issue was watching movies and free "live cams"). The crazy thing is tha tI am a person who has made such amazing changes in my life - in many ways, I am the kind of person i look up to and always wanted to become - but it is the sticky residue of my past life that I'm having such a hard time getting rid of. 

I am sick of who I've secretly become and the double life i am living. 

I want to be fair to myself, honest and equitable with my wife, and and terrified of the shame i will face when standing before my Creator on my day of judgement. 

Well, that was deeply revealing and I have revealed to you, fellow strangers, that which i have not even revealed to my wife. To be fair though, i have been fully open with her regarding the guarding of eyes and marijuana addictions, but have never ever discussed the massage parlor or infidelity. 

HELP!

Goldfish wrote on 21 Sep 2022 17:20:

I can only share my perspective which has been helpful to me when I was struggling.  I regret the things I did wrong.   Those are in the past.  I am committed to putting in the effort to battle this yetzer hara in a healthy way.  I ask hashem for his help because it is clear that without hashems help I cannot overcome.   With this perspective there is no unhealthy feeling of guilt. The person I am today only wants to do good.  If I ch”v fall in the future it is not because I want to. It is because the yetzer hara overcame me.  It is not because I didn’t try hard enough. It is because I have not yet discovered the perfect balance necessary to overcome these challenges.   I am human and was created imperfect.  I will keep trying and planning as appropriate and I daven that I should be successful.  

please go into rosh hashana with the knowledge and pride that you are taking the steps to do ratzon hashem.   You can daven very hard that hashem bless you with a sweet new year but  Do not focus at all on the specific falls of the past.   Focus on your desire to connect and come close to hashem. 

Goldfish wrote on 21 Sep 2022 17:20:

Fist of all it's so good to hear that you have a good person to have an open & honest conversation with him. That's the number one proven tool for accountability and healing. 

You're asking us how Hashem will judge you? (maybe "Hashem Help Me" can reply to this  )
One thing is for sure. Hashem knows the TRUTH. he created us and all of our struggles. He knows how difficult it is and our true desires and intentions. The only thing I can suggest is the proven segulah that we should judge others favorably and Hashem will in turn judge us favorably as well. 

May we all have a כתיבה וחתימה טובה 

I sometimes stop and try think. I am begining to become more convinced that i am an addict. Not highly, but slight more than just obsessed. I spoke with the mashgiach of my new yeshiva, who is an expert at dealing with emotional / mental problems etc and with struggling bochurim. B'ezras Hashem we will start working together a plan how best to accomplish and succeed. However, my question is, next week, when Hashem comes down to judge this world, will He judge me negatively for allowing my passions to override me, will He judge me favorably because He knows how much I struggle or will He judge me negatively because He knows that I could've tried harder. I understand that the problem with an addiction to an issur is that emotional and spiritual issues become too strongly enmeshed, yet I don't know how to look at it. Any elucidation on this matter would be well regarded. Much appreciation,
Goldfish

I actually joined because I thought GYE was for everyone. It was after joining that I got that impression. Except it wasn't an impression of a guy who spends all day in a dark basement with his wife crying upstairs, it was an impression of a person who just wants to "be better", a person dealing with tremendous shame and fear while battling an addiction that leaves them lonely and emotionally drained. It was an impression of a hidden Tzaddik who feels like a hidden rasha, a giant who is terrified of people discovering his secrets and "realizing he's not so good", but doesn't appreciate that his battle actually makes him twice the man other people see. 
That person isn't me. I am a "regular" guy who usually does the right thing, sometimes does the wrong thing, but gets back up to try again. I have worked on improving my middos, I have worked on following halacha better, and I have more work to do. I feel good about myself and my growth over the years, and I thank Hashem for making it easy for me to grow. B"H, I've never had to deal with addiction, abuse, mental illness, extreme poverty, instability in my home, health struggles or many of the other things that make everyday life so hard for many people.


So far, Iv'e done the first 3 weeks of the Flight to Freedom. I stalled on week three, because I couldn't track my urges when I wasn't having urges.... But I did get the very strong impression that Flight to Freedom is for addicts.
I have avoided P&M for quite a while, although I have no idea how long. I started tracking when I joined GYE, but it's been much much longer.
Iv'e been more aware of when I look where I shouldn't, because joining GYE has given me more awareness and consciousness of that. (GYE is worth it for me just for that!) I have not been more successful at not looking, though.
I have not taken advantage of the reading material that was suggested to me by ליוסף הצדיק and Vehkam. That is my next step.

So all you “want to do is improve my mastery over what is well known to be a very common, crafty and strong yetzer hara“?
Then yup this is it!

It’s unfortunate that many in our community think GYE is only for addicts. There’s this picture of a guy who spends all day long in a dark basement with his wife crying upstairs…

But ya it’s for everyone.
So my brother, what steps have you taken so far?

Hello,

I am new here this is my first port,
I am 35 years old married BH to an amazing wife,
I am struggling with something that has been part of me for 20 years
no one in the world knows about this,
I have an addiction / fetish for women that shave their heads, 
this is all I think about all day and it causing me to masturbate often
it bothers me but i am getting so much pleasure.
I need help and want to be helped.

Welcome! 

I think your in the right place, not everyone here is addicted and not everyone here struggles with internet use in regards to shemirat einayim. You are on a higher madreiga than me, but I'll direct you to read this book called zot briti which is available as a free e-book for the hebrew version here guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/zos-brisi. There's also an english version and the book bears approbation from Rav Chaim Kanievsky, Rav Shmuel Wosner, Rav Moshe Sternbuch, Rav Malkiel Kotler and Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz. It's focused on maintaining our purity in thought, word and action. And here's a general link to a list of e-books on GYE that may help: guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/category/halacha-3

Wishing you much hatzalacha!

Do you have anyone in real life that you can share your struggles with him?

The Pasuk in Mishlei (18:1) says: "Le'taava yevakesh nifrad - Desire seeks isolation". Being isolated causes us to go after our Taavah - our lust. The addiction wants us to withdraw into ourselves and disconnect from life. A partner in this struggle can do wonders in helping us reconnect to the world around us and ultimately break free. Going into detail with someone else about what we've done, is also known to be one of the best ways to get out the shame, guilt and remorse, and move on.

In addition to the above, simply telling over our feelings and thoughts to a friend or mentor, has tremendous power to help us break the insidious power of the addiction. As the Tzetel Katan of the great Chassidic master, R' Elimelech of Lizentzk states:

One should relate before one's teacher, who instructs him in the way of HaShem, or even before a good friend, all of one's thoughts that are contrary to the Holy Torah that the Yetzer HaRah causes to arise in his mind or heart… And one should not withhold anything because of shame. He will find that by relating these things, he will gain the power to break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so that it will no longer be able to overcome him other times. This is in addition to the good advice that he will receive from his friend in the ways of Hashem. And this is a wonderful remedy.

We see from the above, that simply relating ones struggles to a friend or mentor has the power to break the strength of the Yetzer Hara.

Aside from the fact that the very act of talking it out already lessens the struggle, the main purpose of a partner is that it introduces the vital element of "accountability" into the equation. As Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".

The truth of Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai's blessing is pointedly illustrated by the story of Rav Amram Raban Shel Chassidim (Kidushin 81/a). We may ask, if Rav Amram had so much Fear of Heaven that he was determined enough to call out "Fire!", why couldn't he just have stopped himself? The answer is, that Rav Amram knew that unless other human beings would be introduced into the equation, he was powerless to stop himself from the power of the lust. This amazing story shows us the immense value of "human" accountability.

Hi all. This is my third week on GYE, but my first post.
First, a little about myself.
I am in my 30s, happily married. I struggled in high school with thinking for myself. I basically believed whatever my peers believed. So when there was a lot of porn and masturbation going on in my yeshiva, with people talking about it openly, I got involved. I knew it was wrong, but I din't really care. Everyone was doing it...
My first year in Beis Medrash, (in a different yeshiva, thank G-d) I quickly realized that this wasn't something that people there were involved in, and I stopped discussing innappropriate topics (cold turkey, and successfully), I cut back on porn (with probably 98% success, rarely had any easy access and I wasn't searching for it), and I started a years long struggle with masturbation.
In the last 8 years, I have basically won that battle. I did have a few falls (less than 20, and in the last 3 yrs, only 3 falls); they were all at times of emotional turmoil and extreme stress (falls could be P&M or either of the 2). On a day to day basis, I really have no desire for porn and its very rare that I actually have to hold back from masturbation.
So... Why am I here? (That's actually my question, but I'll come back to that)
I am here because I do want to improve in 2 areas. The first is shmiras einayim, that I can walk down the street and keep my eyes turned down or up, but not towards women. I don't want to have that quick "second glance" that I just can't seem to stop. And the second is fantasies. I sometimes (maybe 3 days a month) have a day that I my mind keeps inventing sexual fantasies. They are distracting, and probably not good for my personal growth and closeness to Hashem.
Since I've been here, almost everything has been about a lust addiction. And i frankly don't feel like I'm addicted. Maybe I'm in denial, and you'll help me see the truth so I can start my journey to recovery. But unless that happens, I feel like I'm in the wrong place.
Is there any support or help I can get from GYE if my problem isn't one of addiction? If all I want to do is improve my mastery over what is well known to be a very common, crafty and strong yetzer hara? Or did I come to the wrong place?

Hello everyone
I havent posted in a while. Quick summary of the past 4 years. I was 21 in yeshiva struggling (like everyone else). BH i really pulled through and got rid of the laptop and was clean. I got married and was great for 2 years. Then when covid started and also when my wife and I attend school online we brought it back in. I was pretty good. Then since last november its been really hard. As i write "its been really hard" I think how much progress I have made. I used to be on porn 3 nights a week for hours on end. Now porn is not shayach. But last november I fell on actual porn. Since then porn is unavailable but i always manage to find something to masturbate to. Whether an online magazine or dream about a sex scene or find some stories. its what i have been going to bed with for the past few months. Its like i prepare a dream to think about and act out. ITs not porn but its not what i want and i know its bad for me.
What i think about is not the sex but the foreplay. thats what interests me the most.
I have made penalties for myself like not to wear RT tefilin when i dream the night before, but what comes out is that i can go almost a whole week without wearing them. I think sonmetimes its the way i wind down from such a long day. But it has taken soo much time from me. I search and search for a loophole in the filter I can always find but its soo pathetic and I end up going to bed soo late. I hate it. MY wife asks me how come i went to bed so late. I say i was doing research. It bothers me so much. 
Although i have stopped porn but i have gotten into another addictive cycle. I have grown but i want to be truly free from lust. Please help.
I have more to write i will continue on the Married section.
Thanks

Hello everyone

The last time I logged onto this site was quite a while ago and so I figured the best way to start again would be by writing down some of my feelings and trying to figure out where I'm holding and what I need to do to hopefully make it this time. I have been struggling with porn for close to 17 years at this point and while I have had some stretches were I was been able to control myself, ultimately I have always fallen off the wagon and needed to start again. Sometimes I am able to dust myself off and start again the next day but too often once I fall it takes me a few days until I have the strength to start a new count. I have realized that while I do have all the standard precautions like a filter etc it's more often then not that it's a random picture or advertisment that will actually set me off. At that point I have usually been clean for a number of days and so anything pretty much has the ability to set my mind racing and then it's only a matter of time before I fall. I don't know how people deal with that issue because at least in my opinion it's virtually impossible not to see something that can set you off when you are not in the greatest state of mind but it's definitely something that I need to work on. At this point I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible with work and family in the hopes that even if I do see something I won't have the time to really think about it because I will be so busy. The one clear thing that has actually kept me going is the fact that I know that within a few days of stopping I actually feel more clear minded and less uptight where as if I'm in middle of a downturn I am more likely to be uptight because I'm busy being annoyed at myself for messing up again. It's actually one of the things that motivates me to always try again because I know in just a few days I will be less uptight. I know your spouse knowing about your addiction can make a difference especially when they don't understand why I am uptight for no reason but the few times I have casually brought up the topic the response wasn't great and while I'm not saying she wouldn't be supportive it's still not something I am comfortable talking to her about. Maybe one day I will have the courage to let her in on my dark secret but for now this is a battle that I am fighting alone. This also means that I need to be understanding that just because I am not in a great place all the time and would like more intimate time with her to help me control my urges, doesn't mean she will be interested or in the mood. This is not an excuse for me to start watching again and I need to control that urge. The times of the month that we can't be together are definitely a struggle. I have a hard time falling asleep and with nothing to distract me from my imagination i know it's only a matter of time before I mess up. Stress for me has always been one of my biggest triggers and so I always need to be careful if I feel like I'm getting stressed at work or I didn't really sleep the night before because I know I won't have the strength to fight off the urges like I should. This fight isn't easy and I know I have a long way to go before I really feel like I have a good grip on my situation but hopefully writing all this stuff down will help me to move in the right direction.