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18 May 2025 10:48
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azivashacheit101
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One last but very helpful tool that can be very helpful even to non- addicts and we will post before beginning The 18 Wheeler comes from Steps 10 and 11 in The Big Book.
Again, If you are a real addict this will only take you so far and you need to get to meetings ASAP!
My sponsor had me reading the posted attachments every day from day one. He had me do this for two weeks to get into a routine before even beginning Step 1. I still do this to this day (although I can't say I never miss).
My sponsor told me to try to put into practice what is written in these pages. The point is spiritual progress not perfection, as these steps were written for someone who has already completed 1-9. The point is to get on the road towards the ideals written in these pages.
Specifically, I was told to do morning and night meditations. To me the morning meditation is crucial and the days that I do it are light years better than the days that I don't. Anyone can do their own version, but I will post what works for me (although I do it slightly differently each day):
- For me, a good meditation takes about 15-20 minutes.
- I start by breathing deeply for a minute or 2 to get myself into the meditation mode.
- Then I daven and speak to Hashem for a solid few minutes.
- I say my own Jewish version of the Serenity Prayer* and the Third Step Prayer** including the first pasuk of Shema.
- Then I tell Hashem about the fact that I am powerless over lust, how my life has become unmanageable, the fact that I am insane, that I cannot help myself or control my own mind, and how only he can help me.
- I ask Hashem to grant me Menuchos Hanefesh, sanity, and sobriety for today.
- I then list some of my defects of character, bad middos, and shortcomings.
- I ask Hashem to remove them from me and free me of them.
- I ask Hashem to return me to his Torah, to learn lishmah and not for my ego, and to be able to serve him in the best way possible.
- I ask him to make my entire life about serving him, helping people and doing the right thing.
- I ask Hashem to give all of the above to everyone who is suffering from addictive acting out.
- Then I prepare to make a list on my phone of what I need to do that day.
- Before I begin, I ask Hashem to remove from me selfish and dishonest thinking.
- I then make a realistic list of what I have to do that day.
- On top of the list I date it and leave a space to mark down how long I spent that day on the following 3 things: My morning meditation, how long I spent that day on Step Work, and how long I spent on SA (including everything- meetings, phone calls, listening to SA talks ect.)
- making my bed is on the list, as being neat and organized helps me stay sober.
- I then ask Hashem to show me all throughout the day what my next step is and to give me whatever I need to take care of all problems.
- I then spend a few minutes davening for a few specific people who I feel I have harmed in the past.
- I close with the Serenity Prayer.
As I go through my day, I check things off the list; when something new comes up to do I add it to the list. Many times, when I am a bit bored or feel like the only thing there is to do is go act out, all that is necessary is for me to take a look at my list and do whatever is still left to do. Many times, we act out because we are procrastinating on accomplishing useful things, having a list breaks the power that has over us. Most days I do not finish everything on my list and that's OK.
It works like magic, try it.
Other things to use in meditations:
- Gratitudes- Thank Hashem for good things in your life.
- Fears- List things you are afraid of and ask Hashem to remove those fears.
- Acceptance- Accept life on life's terms, accept everything about the situation you currently are in.
- Think about the fact that Hashem controls everything about you and the world around you, verbalize it.
- Think about where you can help others and be of sevice to them.
- Think about the fact that Hashem loves you and wants you to succeed more than you yourself want to succeed.
- Think about the fact that Hashem can and will take you out of this mess if you turn to him properly and let him into your life by really working the steps.
- Just sit and be aware of Hashem's presents here right now and in your life in general.
- Be creative and add more of your own meditations.
What is meditation? In the 1930s, when The Big Book was written, the term meditation did not mean sitting doing breathing exercises. While deep breathing is a very helpful and useful tool for calming anxiety and relaxing the mind & body, when Step 11 speaks about using meditation to increase our constant contact with G-d it did not mean deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing may be a good way to start a meditation as it gets us into the meditative mode and spirit, but is not the main part of meditations. Meditation means to calmly ponder, think, and/or be aware. The word think can be dangerous because obssesive thinking is very common among addicts. Obssesive and overthinking about Hashem is not meditation and not helpful to recovery. We will not ever be perfect, and it takes some time to get used to doing a proper meditation. We must always be patient with ourselves.
*The Serenity Prayer: "G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mine be done."
I usually say "Ribono Shel Olam" as that is how I refer to Hashem. I also say "your will not mine be done" as I don't speak 1930s Latin!
**The Third Step Prayer is found in the attachments of the previous post (about Step 3). Again switch up the wording to whatever you are comfortable with.
I would like to explain my using the first pasuk of shema for my 3rd step. When being yotzei the mitzvah and chiyuv of shema we are being mekabel Ol Malchus Shamayim to run every aspect of our lives according to Hashem's will.
However, when I use shema in my third step I am thinking about the fact that Hashem is in control and not me. I don't control the world, myself, my mind or anything else. I can only do what is in my bechira and even then without Hashem helping me I'm toasted and will probably lose. Shema says Hashem Echad, Hashem is in full control, not me and I better stop playing G-d or I will end up acting out again.
The two ways of understanding shema are not a stirah and they are both true.
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18 May 2025 02:43
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hopefulposek
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Apparently it is a good time 
I was thinking more about the choice theory that I posted about around pesach time. I think that for some things it makes sense to keep the sense of choice (which is a sense of being a person with free will, also known as a mentsch and a tzelem elokhim) but for some things which are completely destructive it would be wise to make the decision now to give it up and make it so it is inaccessible.
So for movies and other things which waste time and have a lot of bad things about them but aren't literal poison I want to be using choice theory, while for porn I want to decide not to have access to it anymore.
It does get difficult when b'etzem there is access but my wife has the password, this creates a resentment, since it's within reach but being held back. I think it would be better if we got rid of the smartphone completely (even though there are things I use it for which are good) and thereby get around this current road block.
I had a thought during the rosh hayeshivas shmuz today, I was feeling very uncomfortable that I spend upwards of 4 hours everyweek working on myself and talking to others in order to overcome this battle. I feel like I'm not in yeshiva for those times and feel less like a bnei yeshiva. Meaning that I've lost the sense that being in yeshiva and focusing on torah and avodas hashem is my main goal, I've supplemented it with the goal of becoming healthier and more emotionally stable and not chasing lust all the time as a means to live. My rosh hayeshivah was speaking about how we can come to a point of realizing that our connections to others and working bein adam l'chaveiroh is an avodas hashem and they are not mutually exclusive, when I'm doing one I'm not doing the other rather when I'm involved in bein adam l'chaveiroh I'm involved in avodas hashem. I realized that I cna apply this to my situation as well, it's not 2 different focuses in life, working on addiction and separately learning torah and doing mitzvos. rather working on this struggle, spending the countless hours in meetings and in therapy and journaling, that is my avodas hashem right now just as much if not more than sitting and knaking on a rashba.
I'm trying to imagine, if I had the opportunity to learn 1 on 1 with the rosh kollel, some inyanei kedushah, whatever it would be. But it would come out of seder time. I wouldn't feel like my life is split between being in seder and learning with the rosh kollel! I would feel like I'm spending my entire day focused on 1 thing, growing in torah and ruchniyus!
So too now, in my life, I spend my whole day growing in torah and ruchniyus. Maybe it looks different than other people, but the reason I'm going to therapy and going to meetings is in order to become the best person I can be so that I can serve hashem fully.
I'm hoping to try and focus on this idea more and be more compassionate to myself in the coming week.
I still have a lot to work on but B"H I'm getting a better and better view of the silver lining to be reached.
Keep on fighting everyone!
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16 May 2025 15:42
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diamondwithaflaw
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chosemyshem wrote on 04 Mar 2025 16:32:
Well. There I was filter poking away. And found my way onto a certain forum site with all the pornographic content I could wish for. And started taking a look or two. But one of my search terms popped up the below burningly painful letter from a spouse who caught her partner looking at porn.
Read carefully . . .
To the PA (Ed: "porn addict") who loves his partner but has shattered her world, If you are here, lurking in this [forum], searching for answers, maybe even for hope, I need you to read this carefully. Because this is what it feels like to be me, the person who trusted you, loved you, stood by you, only to be blindsided by deception over and over again. Betrayal trauma is not just sadness. It is not just anger. It is a complete rewiring of my brain, a deep, physical shock to my system. It is waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach, a constant hum of anxiety in the background of my life. It is questioning everything, every moment, every word, every touch. It is looking back at our memories and wondering how many of them were real. It is realizing that the man I thought I knew, the man I felt so deeply connected to, was living a double life right in front of me. I did not just lose trust in you. I lost trust in myself, in my own instincts, in my ability to feel safe and loved. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you even begin to understand the weight of that? You say you love me. But love is not just words or grand gestures or booking trips. Love is protection. Love is honesty. Love is making choices that keep me safe, even when they are hard. And you did not do that. Not once. Not when we first met, not when we built a life together, not when I gave you chance after chance. Every time you chose secrecy, every time you minimized or withheld the truth, you made a choice that pushed me further away. And now, you are standing here, asking me to believe that this time is different. That this time you really mean it. I want to believe you. God, I want to believe you so badly. But do you understand how hard that is when you have rewritten our entire history with your lies? Your addiction, your secrecy, your inability to face the full weight of what you have done, it has changed me. I will never be the same woman I was before all of this. The carefree, trusting, deeply in-love version of me, you broke her. And maybe you did not mean to. Maybe you were too lost in your own shame, your own self-loathing, your own compulsions to truly see what you were doing. But intentions do not undo damage. So if you are here, lurking, searching for proof that redemption is possible, let me tell you what I need. I need absolute honesty. Not half-truths. Not omissions. Not damage control when you are caught. I need to know that you can sit with your shame, face your failures, and still choose me over your own fear of discomfort. I need to know that you understand what you have done to me, not just that you feel guilty, but that you get how deeply this has wounded me. I need to see actions, not just hear words. Because right now, I am holding the last frayed threads of my patience. And if you truly want to rebuild, to prove to me that you are more than the sum of your worst choices, you need to meet me at my pain. Not run from it, not hide behind excuses, not make this about your struggle alone. If you love me, truly love me, prove it. Because this time, words will never be enough. The patience and empathy I have shown you so far would have been enough for a lifetime under normal circumstances. Carve that in your mind.
It was worth it for me to read your entire thread for this post. I am deeply grateful that you decided to share it. I've been trying to repair my relationship for several years to no avail. Reading this is extremely helpful for me. Honestly, there are points here that I never would have figured out on my own.
If anyone else comes across any material like this, kindly forward it my way.
-Diamond
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15 May 2025 15:14
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azivashacheit101
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One last but very helpful tool that can be very helpful even to non- addicts and we will post before beginning The 18 Wheeler comes from Steps 10 and 11 in The Big Book.
Again, If you are a real addict this will only take you so far and you need to get to meetings ASAP!
My sponsor had me reading the posted attachments every day from day one. He had me do this for two weeks to get into a routine before even beginning Step 1. I still do this to this day (although I can't say I never miss).
My sponsor told me to try to put into practice what is written in these pages. The point is spiritual progress not perfection, as these steps were written for someone who has already completed 1-9. The point is to get on the road towards the ideals written in these pages.
Specifically, I was told to do morning and night meditations. To me the morning meditation is crucial and the days that I do it are light years better than the days that I don't. Anyone can do their own version, but I will post what works for me (although I do it slightly differently each day):
- For me, a good meditation takes about 15-20 minutes.
- I start by breathing deeply for a minute or 2 to get myself into the meditation mode.
- Then I daven and speak to Hashem for a solid few minutes.
- I say my own Jewish version of the Serenity Prayer* and the Third Step Prayer** including the first pasuk of Shema.
- Then I tell Hashem about the fact that I am powerless over lust, how my life has become unmanageable, the fact that I am insane, that I cannot help myself or control my own mind, and how only he can help me.
- I ask Hashem to grant me Menuchos Hanefesh, sanity, and sobriety for today.
- I then list some of my defects of character, bad middos, and shortcomings.
- I ask Hashem to remove them from me and free me of them.
- I ask Hashem to return me to his Torah, to learn lishmah and not for my ego, and to be able to serve him in the best way possible.
- I ask him to make my entire life about serving him, helping people and doing the right thing.
- I ask Hashem to give all of the above to everyone who is suffering from addictive acting out.
- Then I prepare to make a list on my phone of what I need to do that day.
- Before I begin, I ask Hashem to remove from me selfish and dishonest thinking.
- I then make a realistic list of what I have to do that day.
- On top of the list I date it and leave a space to mark down how long I spent that day on the following 3 things: My morning meditation, how long I spent that day on Step Work, and how long I spent on SA (including everything- meetings, phone calls, listening to SA talks ect.)
- making my bed is on the list, as being neat and organized helps me stay sober.
- I then ask Hashem to show me all throughout the day what my next step is and to give me whatever I need to take care of all problems.
- I then spend a few minutes davening for a few specific people who I feel I have harmed in the past.
- I close with the Serenity Prayer.
As I go through my day, I check things off the list; when something new comes up to do I add it to the list. Many times, when I am a bit bored or feel like the only thing there is to do is go act out, all that is necessary is for me to take a look at my list and do whatever is still left to do. Many times, we act out because we are procrastinating on accomplishing useful things, having a list breaks the power that has over us. Most days I do not finish everything on my list and that's OK.
It works like magic, try it.
Other things to use in meditations:
- Gratitudes- Thank Hashem for good things in your life.
- Fears- List things you are afraid of and ask Hashem to remove those fears.
- Acceptance- Accept life on life's terms, accept everything about the situation you currently are in.
- Think about the fact that Hashem controls everything about you and the world around you, verbalize it.
- Think about where you can help others and be of sevice to them.
- Think about the fact that Hashem loves you and wants you to succeed more than you yourself want to succeed.
- Think about the fact that Hashem can and will take you out of this mess if you turn to him properly and let him into your life by really working the steps.
- Just sit and be aware of Hashem's presents here right now and in your life in general.
- Be creative and add more of your own meditations.
What is meditation? In the 1930s, when The Big Book was written, the term meditation did not mean sitting doing breathing exercises. While deep breathing is a very helpful and useful tool for calming anxiety and relaxing the mind & body, when Step 11 speaks about using meditation to increase our constant contact with G-d it did not mean deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing may be a good way to start a meditation as it gets us into the meditative mode and spirit, but is not the main part of meditations. Meditation means to calmly ponder, think, and/or be aware. The word think can be dangerous because obssesive thinking is very common among addicts. Obssesive and overthinking about Hashem is not meditation and not helpful to recovery. We will not ever be perfect, and it takes some time to get used to doing a proper meditation. We must always be patient with ourselves.
*The Serenity Prayer: "G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mine be done."
I usually say "Ribono Shel Olam" as that is how I refer to Hashem. I also say "your will not mine be done" as I don't speak 1930s Latin!
**The Third Step Prayer is found in the attachments of the previous post (about Step 3). Again switch up the wording to whatever you are comfortable with.
I would like to explain my using the first pasuk of shema for my 3rd step. When being yotzei the mitzvah and chiyuv of shema we are being mekabel Ol Malchus Shamayim to run every aspect of our lives according to Hashem's will.
However, when I use shema in my third step I am thinking about the fact that Hashem is in control and not me. I don't control the world, myself, my mind or anything else. I can only do what is in my bechira and even then without Hashem helping me I'm toasted and will probably lose. Shema says Hashem Echad, Hashem is in full control, not me and I better stop playing G-d or I will end up acting out again.
The two ways of understanding shema are not a stirah and they are both true.
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14 May 2025 19:00
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chancyhk
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I think Rabbi Yacov is unto something.
No, Not alcohol, thats a terrible addiction and it probably will cause more falls.
I am talking about weed. Someone once gave me weed without knowing what it is, i didnt like the feeling at all, but listen to this.
I am not going to trigger anyone here, suffice it to say, i couldnt fall even if i wanted to, (i wanted to) I COULDNT!
Something to look into............
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14 May 2025 12:51
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ghost
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azivashacheit101 wrote on 13 May 2025 11:16:
Next we will get involved in a crucial tool, attitude, and way of life, which is extremely useful both to addicts and non-addicts alike. This tool is Step-3.
Step 3 is not a one time event, but an attitude which is worked daily multiple times as the need arises.
Of course if you are a real addict this will only take you so far and you need to get your butt to an SA meeting NOW.
Create your own frum version of the third step prayer (found in the attachment below), and say it/internalize it many times each day. It works absolute wonders, we feel that we have to control everything especially our own minds; it's a failure on many levels and just makes us sicker and stupider over time. Things don't go our way and we then act out. We must learn to always Let Go and Let G-d.
Let go, let go, let go, it's one of the most important things we can hear.
I highly recommend and urge you all to read the below attachment daily and putting it into practice at once. This means when lust creeps in speak to Hashem calmly in english and say something along the lines "Ribono Shel Olam I'm crazy, I can't deal with this, I'm giving it over to you, you deal with it, please run my mind, thoughts, and desires for me because I'm nuts and I can't do it". Say this calmly as if you are speaking to someone (bec. you are) not the way many people scrunch their faces up as if they are constipated when they daven Shemoneh Esraei (and you don't have to join the Shmoneh Esraei jumping jacks club either).
The same should be done when our mind starts racing or going places that we don't want it to. When anger, fear, anxiety, OCD, ego, self-centeredness, selfishness, resentments, shame, guilt, deppression, procrastination, jelousy, over thinking, fantasy or just our mind runs wild just stop and calmly daven.
It works, but for some it takes time and must be given a chance, try it for a few months and really mentally give your mind, life, and will over to the care of Hashem. We can't carry our burden or control the world, but Hashem can.
This should be done in all of life's situations where we can't control ourselves or others. When our In-Laws, spouses, parents, siblings, bosses, friends ect. are making us crazy we have a solution. Just stop, breath, speak to Hashem and give up the whole situation to him-to his control, and then just take the next right action That Hashem Wants You To Take, NOT the action that you want to take.
Here is Step 3 as written in The Big Book found on pages 60-63
This is really great stuff! Thank You! keep up the great work!
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14 May 2025 12:34
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azivashacheit101
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Next we will get involved in a crucial tool, attitude, and way of life, which is extremely useful both to addicts and non-addicts alike. This tool is Step-3.
Step 3 is not a one time event, but an attitude which is worked daily multiple times as the need arises.
Of course if you are a real addict this will only take you so far and you need to get your butt to an SA meeting NOW.
Create your own frum version of the third step prayer (found in the attachment below), and say it/internalize it many times each day. It works absolute wonders, we feel that we have to control everything especially our own minds; it's a failure on many levels and just makes us sicker and stupider over time. Things don't go our way and we then act out. We must learn to always Let Go and Let G-d.
Let go, let go, let go, it's one of the most important things we can hear.
I highly recommend and urge y'all to read the below attachment daily and putting it into practice at once. This means when lust creeps in speak to Hashem calmly in english and say something along the lines "Ribono Shel Olam I'm crazy, I can't deal with this, I'm giving it over to you, you deal with it, please run my mind, thoughts, and desires for me because I'm nuts and I can't do it". Say this calmly as if you are speaking to someone (bec. you are) not the way many people scrunch their faces up as if they are constipated when they daven Shemoneh Esraei (and you don't have to join the Shmoneh Esraei jumping jacks club either).
The same should be done when our mind starts racing or going places that we don't want it to. When anger, fear, anxiety, OCD, ego, self-centeredness, selfishness, resentments, shame, guilt, deppression, procrastination, jelousy, over thinking, fantasy or just our mind runs wild just stop and calmly daven.
It works, but for some it takes time and must be given a chance, try it for a few months and really mentally give your mind, life, and will over to the care of Hashem. We can't carry our burden or control the world, but Hashem can.
This should be done in all of life's situations where we can't control ourselves or others. When our In-Laws, spouses, parents, siblings, bosses, friends ect. are making us crazy we have a solution. Just stop, breath, speak to Hashem and give up the whole situation to him-to his control, and then just take the next right action That Hashem Wants You To Take, NOT the action that you want to take.
Here is Step 3 as written in The Big Book found on pages 60-63
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14 May 2025 12:20
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BenHashemBH
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yoshi wrote on 14 May 2025 08:21:
I'm wondering—are all these issues connected and should be dealt with all at once: porn, masturbation, the halachot of niddah and harhakot? Or should I separate them and tackle one at a time?
Shalom Brother,
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.
Have you been able to contact any of the mentors from ProudYungerman's list for more personal advice? I see that I keep asking, sorry to be poking about it again, but maybe start with just an email and see how it goes . . . you don't have to unload all your deepest secrets or anything, especially not in the initial communication, but start with a surface connection and let it flow as much as you feel comfortable with.
HHM (Hashem Help Me) - michelgelner@gmail.com, Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, ChaimOigen – chaim.oigen@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, Iwannalivereal iwannalivereal@gmail.com, Vehkam vehkam7@gmail.com, Amevakesh amevakesh23@gmail.com, ProudYungerman proudyungerman@gmail.com, Iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me.
The "issues" are likely connected (in their relation to the lust aspect) and how to tackle it in a way that works for you is probably something that would be helpful to discuss with someone if you feel up to it. If you do work on them one at a time, I'd think that in tandem you'd want to be doing at least a small thing across the board - so you are making some progress with all the forms of lust, and not end up shifting it from one source to another. Instead of picking one to cut out completely and coming back to the others later (you can do that too, if you feel up to it), find a boundary that you can work on that applies to them all. Inch the line forward. Exercise and strengthen your control in a gradual way so you don't feel powerless against the urges. Noting here that an addict does not work on things this way, they accept their powerlessness against lust and work on it in a different way, and I just don't want to presume anything about what will or won't work for you.
What did you do to quit smoking and weed - is there any way to adapt that method here?
Wishing you Hatzlacha and all the best!
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14 May 2025 11:02
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azivashacheit101
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To the Newcomer
What Works for Us
Those of us who are recovering in Sexaholics Anonymous were driven here by many different forms of the same problem. Some of us fit society's stereotypes of what a sexaholic might be and some of us did not. Some of us were driven to buy or sell sex on the streets, others to have it anonymously in bars or public places. Some of us found ourselves in painful and destructive affairs or consumed by an unhealthy obsession with a particular person or succession of persons. Many of us kept our obsessions to ourselves, resorting to compulsive masturbation, pictures, fetishes, voyeurism (i.e. stalking/looking into windows) or exhibitionism. Some of us victimized others. And with many of us, our compulsions took a toll on family, coworkers, and friends. Very often, we felt we were the only ones who could not stop, that we were doing this-whatever it was- against our will.
When we came to SA, we found that in spite of our differences, we shared a common problem-the obsession of lust, usually combined with a compulsive demand for sex in some form. (Including sex with self i.e. masturbation.) We identified with one another on the inside. Whatever the details of our problem, we were dying spiritually-dying of guilt, fear, and loneliness. As we came to see that we shared a common problem, we also came to see that for us, there is a common solution-the Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship and on a foundation of what we call sexual sobriety. (see pp.191-193)
Our definition of sobriety represents, for us, the basic and necessary condition for lasting freedom from the pain that brought us to SA. We have found that nothing else works. When we have tried to deny what our common experience has taught us, we have found that recovery still eludes us. And this seems to be true whether we are male or female; married or single; whether our acting out was with the same or opposite sex; whether our relationships were "committed", "meaningful", or one night stands; or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a "physical outlet." As the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous learned over fifty years ago (now it's almost 100 years), "half-measures availed us nothing"!
We don't claim to understand all of the ramifications of sexual sobriety. Some of us have come to believe that there is a deeper spiritual significance in sexual sobriety, while others simply report that without a firm and clear bottom line, our "cunning, baffling, and powerful" sexaholism takes over sooner or later. Nor do we claim that sobriety alone will lead to a lasting and joyous recovery. Like alcoholics, we can be "dry" without being sober in a deeper sense. We don't even claim that sexual sobriety will make one feel better immediately. We, like other addicts, can go through withdrawal symptoms when we give up our "drug." Nonetheless, in spite of the questions, struggles, and confusion that we have gone through, we find that sexual sobriety is truly "the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know." That's why we keep coming back to SA.
We have a solution. We don't claim that it's for everybody, but for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may share our problem, we'd like to share our solution with you.
A Caution
We suggest that newcomers to Sexaholics Anonymous not reveal their sexual past to a spouse or family member who does not already know of it, without careful consideration and a period of sexual sobriety, and even then, only after prior discussion with an SA sponsor or group. Typically, when we come into the program, we want to share our excitement with those closest to us and tell all right away. Such disclosures might injure our family or others and should be confined to the group of which we are a part until a wise course is indicated. Of course, if there is any chance we have put others in danger, we take steps to try to correct that.
Few things can so damage the possibility of healing in the family as a premature confession to spouse or family where sacred bonds and trust have been violated. Unwittingly, such a confession can be attempts on our part to dump our guilt, get back into the good graces, or make just another show of willpower. Great caution is advised here.
Amends to family must begin with a sexually sober, changed attitude and behavior on a daily basis. Then, as we grow in recovery, we will find how to make direct amends. Help from your sponsor and group is indispensable here. There's always a way, if we really want to make things right.
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14 May 2025 11:00
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azivashacheit101
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Comments on The Solution:
"We saw that our problem was threefold..."
The Physical Problem: This is referring to two issues A) the obsession with lust and sex in general. This includes both constantly thinking about lust, and also mentally turning many normal situations and gestures into some sort of sexual fantasies. b) The idea that once we start we can't stop. This does not mean it's impossible to stop, but that once we start and ingest some lust (eg. watch a little bit of porn, a dirty movie, fantasize a bit too much, walk around the street looking for women to look at/stalk) it becomes more and more compulsive and difficult to stop. This does not necessarily happen every time ingest a bit of lust, but we never know when it will hit that point.
The Emotional Problem: This means we addicts have a difficult time (and for some no clue how to) dealing with our emotions and defect of character.
Defects of character include but are not limited to dishonesty (with ourselves not realizing how crazy and abnormal our acting out is), ego, self-centeredness, laziness, self pity, selfishness, fear (anxiety, OCD, insecurities), guilt, control, overthinking, depression, resentments ect.
When these crop up we tune out of life be getting an urge to act out and then acting upon it, For me personally it took me a long time to see that this was happening. Now many times when I get an urge, I can think back to what was going through my head right before the urge popped in and pinpoint that something was bothering me. Steps 4-7 deal with fixing our character defects, and steps 3,10,11 help us deal with negative emotions and stopping trying to control our lives and mind, and by letting go and giving everything up to Hashem.
The Spiritual Problem: This is referring to the void and emptiness that we feel inside of ourselves. We need to fill up that void so we therefore turn to lust. 12-Steps teaches us how to fill that up by turning to Hashem and helping others. Some may say "but I tried that already I davened my kishkes out, cried, and did teshuva yet I'm still acting out!" The answer to this question is complex and will take a lot of time to explain, but what you need to know is 12-Steps have worked for millions (if you include all addictions alcohol, drugs gambling ect.) and it will work for you too if you put in the effort.
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14 May 2025 10:58
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azivashacheit101
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As you will come to see, The Solution is not here to tell you how to stop lusting or how to change. It's an overview of what happens to someone who comes to meetings, participates in fellowship, and actually works the steps with a sponsor. To really and fully understand what The Solution is referring to you probably have to spend a few weeks in meetings and listen to some good talks from SA old-timers. I will do my best and try to post some of my own limited commentary and explanations to it, though It will probably be a mediocre job.
Just one note: The Solution refers to the term surrender a few times over. Surrender is a huge topic which we will IY"H deal with as the 5th of The 18 Wheeler. Another term for surrender is to Let Go we see what this means later.
The Solution
We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three.
The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings, and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves (Masturbation) or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it also meant "drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust. (Drying out is probably more nogeah for addicts in very advanced stages of addiction who are doing much more than just porn and masturbation, but I don't know for sure.)
We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to G-d and others. (Meaning helping and getting helped by others)
All this was scary, We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life.
The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves. Instead of covering our feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.
As we faced our defects, we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over us. We began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our "drug".
Forgiving all who had injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our wrongs. At each amends more of the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world in the eye, and stand free.
We began practicing positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real connection. We were home.
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14 May 2025 10:49
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azivashacheit101
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In the back of the SA White Book appears Appendix 2 which is titled "Readings Commonly Used in Meetings" these come from other areas of 12-Step literature and are sometimes read at the beginning of a meeting. It may be worthwhile to have a look at some of them before going further.
"The Problem" is the first passage in the white book located on page v, and is also brought in Appendix 2 on page 203.
"The Problem
Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.
Early on, we came to feel disconnected-from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masterbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.
We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free from it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.
This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.
First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives."
Next comes a passage titled "The Solution" found on page 61 in the SA White Book, and in Appendix 2 on page 204. It will IY"H be posted in the near future.
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14 May 2025 10:48
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azivashacheit101
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Before begining The 18 Wheeler it may be appropriate to quote a few paragraphs found on pages 3&4 in the SA White Book titled "What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?". This essay helps define who is a sexaholic and needs SA to recover from their addiction.
Later on in this thread we will IY"H post how someone can figure out if he is a true sexaholic or not.
We addicts are notrious liars and great experts at fooling ourselves with tens of rationalizations for what we do. We rarely recognize our own insanity and craiziness until after we complete some solid recovery work. Before doing the work everyone of us says to ourselves "well I am am not a real sexaholic".
"What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?
We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole contexed of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic , or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.
Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self (Masterbation is sex with self in SA language) or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is a key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.
This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we have been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other options but to stop, and their own enlightened self-intrest must tell them this."
If I may add two comments of my own,
1) While the definition of sobriety in SA is no masterbation or sex with anyone other than the spouse, sobriety and recovery includes a "progressive victory over lust". This means to include all forms of lusting such as lustful looking and fantasizing ect.
2) After reading the above passage some may question how addiction and the concept of bechira in yiddishkiet don't clash. I plan to address this issue later on while discussing Step 1 in The 18 Wheeler, IY"H it will become clear that this is a non-issue.
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14 May 2025 10:46
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azivashacheit101
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In this thread I will b"n post from "The 18 Wheeler" and some other relevant 12-Step literature.
I will also post some of my own 2 cents, things that work for me, and some of my very limited ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope).
I would love to hear feedback; all feedback and questions are welcome but please identify yourself first as either a member of SA (or other 12-Step group) or a non-member in order to put things into context.
The 18 Wheeler is found in the back of the SA white book and titled "How I Overcame Lust" it consists of 18 ways that the author (Roy K.) overcame his lust.
To be clear The 18 Wheeler is not SA but tools that go along with SA and come from concepts within the 12-Steps.
If you are someone who really needs SA then The 18-Wheeler will be very limited in how much it can help you.
SA is working the 12-Steps with a sponsor; when done properly and thoroughly it can take months and even years to complete.
The Steps are never really complete and recovering addicts live with Steps 1,3,10,11 and12 for a lifetime.
SA also involves going to inperson meetings and participating in fellowship.
In person meetings are 1000 times more effective than posting on the GYE forum.
The purpose of this thread is 3 fold.
1) For those who need SA it is to farmiliarize them with SA concepts and into becoming more comfortable getting to their first meetings.
2) For those who do not need SA, many of the methods posted here can still be helpful getting out of our head and dealing with the lust issue.
3) For those already in SA this thread can serve as a spring board to discuss how we understand and apply SA principles.
All bolded words are from 12-Step literature and non-bolded writing are my own opinions and not necessarily consistant with SA priciples.
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13 May 2025 18:49
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chancyhk
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yossis.smart wrote on 13 May 2025 16:42:
Why is the post-addiction period so hard? Why the need for "insanity therapy"? Why can't I just get back to a normal life and be a good person?
Recently, someone I knew was uncomfortable with the life he was living, and decided to run away and explore the frozen expanses of Alaska, thinking that he might find more peace and enjoyment in that adventure. So he traveled to the last house on the edge of the last settlement beyond which only lay ice, and no signs of life.
At that house, he told his hosts his idea. But those grizzled veterans of the landscape he was about to trek through warned him not to go further - his wonderful adventure might end and disaster, and even if he would somehow make it back, it would be a painful process. But he waved it off - he would deal with the consequences later.
Putting on the warmest clothes he could find, he left the safety of the house and his kind hosts and plunged into a trek that seemed wild and wonderful and scary at the same time. Something inside him told him he should go back before he went too far and got lost, but another side of him assured him that he knew they way back, and the desire to explore was irresistible.
Soon, he started to feel sweaty from his heavy coat, so he removed that and some other layers, sure he could manage without. But then a chill and a tiredness started setting in, and he wasn't quite sure of the path to get back. Anyways, who knew what amazing find lurked around the next corner?
Then - around the corner of a bend in the glacier - he saw some unusual form rise out of the flat ice, and he rushed to see what it could be. As he approached, he saw that it was an ice statue of a beautiful woman, surely expertly carved by an Eskimo who had intended for him to experience it up close. As he touched the statue and was entranced by the artistic form, he felt an urge to hug it, hold it and not let go of this experience for which he had traveled so long and so far. He felt the ice freeze his whole body, but he was at peace. Why care anymore about finding warmth? He drifted off into a deep sleep....
Through a deep haze, he heard the shouts of the inhabitants of the house he had left so long ago it seemed like an eternity. He could barely breath or hear, much less make any noise, but he knew instinctively that they were trying to help him out of the goodness of their hearts. He felt them trying to pull him off the statue, but he was completely frozen to it. With no other choice, they chopped the statue down, and, with him attached, loaded it onto the dog sleds, furiously trying to speed home before it was too late.
Back at the house, next to a blazing fire, they tried to chip away at the ice and peel him off with sharp tools, limb by limb. As each finger came free, he felt the frostbite, the burning sensation of warmth returning, but it was so painful. Sometimes he wanted to just grab the statue again and be numbed from the pain, but then he knew he would have to relive it again in the process of breaking free. With every new breath of life, every movement, he learned to become thankful for the pain, thankful for the efforts of those who did not give up on him despite his not heeding their passionate pleas for him to not end up in his sorry state.
Finally, after the pain and the tingling that seemed to last forever subsided, he was able to break his body free of the statue. He flung it as far as he could out of the door and swore to not look back. Whenever that itch, that desire for a frozen adventure came back, he remembered not only the exhortations of his now close friends, but also the inevitable pain accompanying the return that was DEFINITELY not worth the risk.
Gosh darn it, you have a way with words........
Love the Mashal, so true. Only in my case i go more for the heat......... I would never go to Alaska, let alone touch a freezing piece of ice..........
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