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14 Dec 2022 21:38
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Ybird
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DavidT wrote on 14 Dec 2022 14:15:
BT2001 wrote on 13 Dec 2022 21:25:
I wasn't sure of the right place to post about this issue, but this seems like the right place.
I go to a secular university and I met a (non-Jewish) girl who told me should would be interested in having sex with me and a non-committal relationship. When we first started talking on this subject I was into it and my yetzer hara took control over me. As the subject turns and turns in my mind - beyond just simply knowing that it's not the right thing to do - I go back and forth between wanting to go through and not. The big problem I have here I guess is that I have a hard time fully comprehending the incorrectness of it all...
Backtracking a little, it all started because being lonely is awful, and more often than not it's difficult to talk about some topics, or get quite the right outlook, when talking to guy friends.
Can someone please reprimand me and give me insights to redirect my desires? I definitely think it's wise for me to start dating soon, so that I can direct this drive in a much more holy direction. But also the several platforms that I would use are at the moment a little hard to use; and I don't have a big Jewish community in which to start looking for my shidduch around here.
Welcome!
We all truly admire you for coming here and reaching out to be able to stay strong and do the right things!
You wrote "Can someone please reprimand me and give me insights to redirect my desires?"
You do not need to be reprimanded as you know what's right and you're trying so hard as it's evident from your post.
I'll write some insight from this weeks parsha which is relevant to your challenge and I hope we can all gain from it to be strong and do what's right.
One of the rarest and most unusual musical notes in the Torah is known in Hebrew as the "shalshelet." No other written musical note of the Torah is rendered in a repetitive style except the shalshelet, which stubbornly repeats its tune three times. The graphic notation of this note, too, looks like a streak of lightning, a "zigzag movement," a mark that goes repeatedly backward and forward.
This unique musical note appears no more than four times in all of the Torah, three times in Genesis and once in Leviticus1. One of them is in this week's portion, at a moment of high moral and psychological drama.
Yoseph is an extremely handsome teen-ager and his father Jacob's favorite child. He is sold into slavery by his brothers, who loathe him. Displayed on the Egyptian market, he is bought by a prominent Egyptian citizen, Potiphar, who ultimately chooses the slave to become the head of his household. There, Yoseph attracts the lustful imagination of his master's wife. She desperately tries to engage him in a relationship, yet he steadfastly refuses her.
Yoseph's refusal, we must remember, was not devoid of ambivalence and struggle. On the one hand, his entire moral sense said: No. It would be a betrayal of everything his family stood for — its ethic of sexual propriety and its strong sense of identity as children of the covenant. It would also be, as Joseph himself explained to the woman, a betrayal of her husband and a sin to G‑d.
How did Yoseph overcome this enormous temptation?
The answer is captured in the three biblical words and in their "shalshelet" musical note: "But he refused."
Aware of the profound danger that he might fall prey to immoral behavior, the first thing Yoseph did was present the woman with a thundering "no." As the thrice repetitive "shalshelet" note suggests, Joseph, in unwavering determination, declared three times: "No! No! No!" Forget about it, I will not do this! No ifs, buts, or maybes. Only afterward did Yoseph allow himself the indulgence of the rational argument against adultery.
When it comes to struggles, temptation or addiction, you can't be rational and polite. You must be determined, ruthless and single-minded. You must monotonously and stubbornly repeat the same "no" over and over again. Never allow room for nuance, negotiation or ambivalence. The moment you begin explaining and justifying your behavior, you are likely to lose the battle. Only after an absolute and non-negotiable "no" can you proceed with the intellectual argument behind your decision.
In this story of Joseph, then, we are given a timeless lesson of how to deal with our own ugly lusts and inclinations. Your temptations can be tougher than you think they are; do not try to strike deals with them. Just say: No! No! No! People might accuse you of being ignorant. So what? You will come out with a happy and meaningful life.
And the biggest lesson i learn from Yosef Hatzadik is that after refusing he didn't won the lottery, he didn't become a king (only after 12 years), he didn't found his shidduch right then, he didn't even flew back to his father by mirical, what happened right afterwards is that he was sent to Jail for 12 years with the biggest and scariest black murders and robbers from Egypt, and didnt say anyone of his family, no visiters besides that ugly wicked woman who asked for sex every day even in jail (i am 99% sure that this is in a seifer with a good mekor somewhere, if someone has more details please share) and yosef didnt fell for,
But, after many years he became king in the largest city in the world, he became the most famous person in the world, and also the only man the Torah calls him a Tzadik (besides Noach)
Man, it's worth the wait and the pain, because one day you may (or may never) see the beauty of it,
Stay strong
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14 Dec 2022 14:15
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DavidT
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BT2001 wrote on 13 Dec 2022 21:25:
I wasn't sure of the right place to post about this issue, but this seems like the right place.
I go to a secular university and I met a (non-Jewish) girl who told me should would be interested in having sex with me and a non-committal relationship. When we first started talking on this subject I was into it and my yetzer hara took control over me. As the subject turns and turns in my mind - beyond just simply knowing that it's not the right thing to do - I go back and forth between wanting to go through and not. The big problem I have here I guess is that I have a hard time fully comprehending the incorrectness of it all...
Backtracking a little, it all started because being lonely is awful, and more often than not it's difficult to talk about some topics, or get quite the right outlook, when talking to guy friends.
Can someone please reprimand me and give me insights to redirect my desires? I definitely think it's wise for me to start dating soon, so that I can direct this drive in a much more holy direction. But also the several platforms that I would use are at the moment a little hard to use; and I don't have a big Jewish community in which to start looking for my shidduch around here.
Welcome!
We all truly admire you for coming here and reaching out to be able to stay strong and do the right things!
You wrote "Can someone please reprimand me and give me insights to redirect my desires?"
You do not need to be reprimanded as you know what's right and you're trying so hard as it's evident from your post.
I'll write some insight from this weeks parsha which is relevant to your challenge and I hope we can all gain from it to be strong and do what's right.
One of the rarest and most unusual musical notes in the Torah is known in Hebrew as the "shalshelet." No other written musical note of the Torah is rendered in a repetitive style except the shalshelet, which stubbornly repeats its tune three times. The graphic notation of this note, too, looks like a streak of lightning, a "zigzag movement," a mark that goes repeatedly backward and forward.
This unique musical note appears no more than four times in all of the Torah, three times in Genesis and once in Leviticus1. One of them is in this week's portion, at a moment of high moral and psychological drama.
Yoseph is an extremely handsome teen-ager and his father Jacob's favorite child. He is sold into slavery by his brothers, who loathe him. Displayed on the Egyptian market, he is bought by a prominent Egyptian citizen, Potiphar, who ultimately chooses the slave to become the head of his household. There, Yoseph attracts the lustful imagination of his master's wife. She desperately tries to engage him in a relationship, yet he steadfastly refuses her.
Yoseph's refusal, we must remember, was not devoid of ambivalence and struggle. On the one hand, his entire moral sense said: No. It would be a betrayal of everything his family stood for — its ethic of sexual propriety and its strong sense of identity as children of the covenant. It would also be, as Joseph himself explained to the woman, a betrayal of her husband and a sin to G‑d.
How did Yoseph overcome this enormous temptation?
The answer is captured in the three biblical words and in their "shalshelet" musical note: "But he refused."
Aware of the profound danger that he might fall prey to immoral behavior, the first thing Yoseph did was present the woman with a thundering "no." As the thrice repetitive "shalshelet" note suggests, Joseph, in unwavering determination, declared three times: "No! No! No!" Forget about it, I will not do this! No ifs, buts, or maybes. Only afterward did Yoseph allow himself the indulgence of the rational argument against adultery.
When it comes to struggles, temptation or addiction, you can't be rational and polite. You must be determined, ruthless and single-minded. You must monotonously and stubbornly repeat the same "no" over and over again. Never allow room for nuance, negotiation or ambivalence. The moment you begin explaining and justifying your behavior, you are likely to lose the battle. Only after an absolute and non-negotiable "no" can you proceed with the intellectual argument behind your decision.
In this story of Joseph, then, we are given a timeless lesson of how to deal with our own ugly lusts and inclinations. Your temptations can be tougher than you think they are; do not try to strike deals with them. Just say: No! No! No! People might accuse you of being ignorant. So what? You will come out with a happy and meaningful life.
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14 Dec 2022 02:55
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Geshmak!
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If you have time, please check out this talk from dov, where I think he addresses this idea at length: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/Why%20is%20 addiction%20so%20rampant%20in%20the%20frum%20community.mp3
I want to read it but the link doesn’t work can you please fix it or dov can you please explain it? Thx!
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13 Dec 2022 09:19
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Human being
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Damn. i gave in to my desire to sexually browse. Of course didn't get me anywhere. This is the second time in 2 days doing this. I cant use my computer past night Seder anymore. done. period. over. Even if i cant get myself to sleep. Even if I'm bored as hell. i just cant. that's step 1. ok, beezras Hashem next Monday night will be day 7 of not lusting. (even if its not porn or masturbating. I'm going to buy myself a prize when i reach day 3.
What i mean by sexually browse is, there are 2 reasons i look for "content" 1) I'm turned on, or want to get turned on to distract myself from some sort of pain/feeling. 2) boredom. When i sexually browse because I'm bored, i don't even look at the content I'm browsing through for more then a second. I just follow link after link of things which are interesting sexually, to give me a little relief from feeling shbshsbshsbshb from doing nothing. In that case, it usually turns into lust, but bh it hasn't yet the past few days, because I'm not addicted as i was before. But i must be honest with myself. Eventually it will turn to lust. I have to stop being in a position that i feel better browsing through crap at a computer, then doing a normal schedule of the day. I will be taking a 3 day brake from computers and internet. I got to get back on track. No computer till Friday. Sorry Hashem/tatty/aba. Thursday night I fress sushi for my prize. Moving forward.
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13 Dec 2022 09:01
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jackthejew
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Geshmak! wrote on 13 Dec 2022 01:17:
I was thinking something... I wonder if anybody can help me understand this a little better. Basically I want to know if by being so careful and watching yourself not to be nechshel just makes it so much harder and just makes everything into a trigger... Like I don't believe guys that don't watch their eyes get even closed turned on from stuff I get turned on from... Like by them it's just a regular thing, their are man and their are women and just like God made a nice trees etc. He made nice women and he just enjoys the look he doesn't think a second abt sex. But by me because I'm not allowed to look I start thinking... Why can't I look? Oh,cause if I look I might end up having sex with her. Like it just makes every lady into a nisyen... Like the eser yechid makes me feel that if I ever gonna be in a room myself with a lady I'll for sure gonna have sex with her... Cause if not why would it be user. Like giyem have no problem watching sexy movies or go to mixed beaches etc. I would come in a second... By them it's just that's life it's not a big deal and not a big monster that we make it if it. Like that's why you can have mixed dancing by modern weddings and nobody's going crazy and by our chasenahs if you by mistake see some girls dancing on the other side of the mechetzah you can't stop think how cool it looked and how you wish etc. I can give more examples but they might give people triggers so I'm stopping here (can give u a hint...do you get more turned on from a frum lady's knee uncovered or a Mexican lady's behind?) But I think u got my point... That by being so busy not to get triggered were actually make our self more triggered... Maskim? If not please explain why... Thx!
I'm not saying that I have charutah for a second on the life style I was brought up in or that I'll c'v start being less careful with my eyes or start exposing my kids to more... Of course not! You want to know why? Cause if H' which made the world and all the pleasures in it said in he's haligah Torah that a person should be careful and watch himself very strongly when it comes to kidushah and we have so many halachis abt it ( like it's user to walk behind a lady,No touching,looking...) Its for sure the best thing for me even if it makes it harder and makes women in to a object more than just a regular thing... It's worth it in the long run in this world and the next!!!
If you have time, please check out this talk from dov, where I think he addresses this idea at length: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/Why%20is%20 addiction%20so%20rampant%20in%20the%20frum%20community.mp3
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11 Dec 2022 04:16
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Emes-a-Yid
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Vehkam wrote on 08 Dec 2022 22:02:
I am sitting here waiting for the sun to go down, for the gye counter to allow me to clock one more clean day. One year clean. מאשפות ירים אביון I am overcome with emotion. I just reread many of my posts from the past year. I am thinking about how I have changed and I have been able to impact others. I am not looking at anyone else. I am looking at myself and i feel like my life has taken on a purpose that is unique to me. I feel like I have a place and I belong. Hashem has carried me for this entire year and I daven that he continues to do so.
If you have not read through my thread and are wondering how I was able to get through the year please take the time to read through my posts carefully. I believe that there is a lot of good information. No two people are the same but my thread should be helpful to a lot of you.
I tried to stop many times before but this time was different I went all in and came up with a plan. This included connections and therapy. I could no longer hide. I have been on offense for a year. They have been thousands upon thousands of opportunities for urges but with hashems help I did not let them in. My body still works and I am not asexual however my motivation remains strong and I have not had to deal with overpowering urges (while I was awake)for this entire year. They did not become overpowering because I was committed to move on from them as soon as they occurred.
I sent this recently to a rav that I am getting to know. He is incredibly accepting and has been very supportive.
I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere. I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried. I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it. Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could. The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed. I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew. It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can. I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me? Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me. This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there. We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped. Together we can make a difference.
Although I like writing, just when I see an option to type (write) or read, I would choose read, with that being said. I will probably type shortly so, sorry in advance.
I am very proud to hear this from you Vehkam You should continue with the Derech of what ever you are using till now, you have helped me along the way I am 1/4 towards a year (about 65days), will be there soon too, Keep it up, It is great hatzlacha!!
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11 Dec 2022 04:07
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Misgaber96
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Wow, what strong words! I love the courage of you guys on this forum. I just thought it might be related to the SA saying, don't be Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired, HALT, it is dangerous territory for the sex addict.
A friend from SA translated that Loneliness can mean that even though I am in a crowded room I can still be lonely, similarly he said that I can be in Antarctica and sex will be everywhere, that is when I know I need to work the steps.
All the best,
Misgaber
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11 Dec 2022 03:40
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Emes-a-Yid
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Eerie wrote on 24 Nov 2022 19:25:
Hi there all my anonymous friends!
I am on here for a while, most of the time just to sign in and update where I'm holding, but from time to time I do read around some posts on the forums, and I am really at a loss of words when I try to describe what I think about all of you. I'm simply awed into silence. You guys are all amazing, fighting the terrible urges, sometimes in such difficult circumstances, from complicated pasts, I stand humbled. I am so proud to at least be part of the same nation, even if I don't come close. Keep up the fight and may Hashem be with all of you and may you feel his closeness.
And now, Hi! I gave myself the name eerie because that's what I think about my situation. I am blissfully married to a really special person,(which, I learned from the posts on this site, is not to be taken for granted. It's something that so many of my dear friends here struggle with, their addictions creating issues in their marriage and the problems in their marriage further exacerbating their addictions) and we have seven wonderful kids. I really cannot imagine a better marriage, we respect each other, love each other, communicate beautifully, and my intimate life is wonderful. I believe my wife would say the same. I am a seriously respected member of my community, I am in a position of chinuch (and I think I do a pretty good job:)), so why oh why on earth am I here? What would the people think if they knew? Would I still have a wife? Would they let me talk to my kids? At that point would I even care about my job or my life's mission? I BH had a wonderful upbringing, loving and caring parents who are very proud of their "successful kli kodesh" son. What would they think if they knew? These thoughts were on my mind as I created my account and the feeling I had was "This is eerie. A mechanech. A talmid chacham. Sought after maggid shiur. This is totally eerie." So there you have it. It's all in the name.
A little about me. I think many of you would disagree but I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. I have no smartphone (if you would only hear me speak about the downfalls), no computer at home. So where and when do/did I fall? I called a talk line by mistake, I was trying to reach a company. I was horrified. I hung up and told my wife about it. But, of course, my curiosity plus urge got me to call. This was probably 10+ years ago, called maybe 10 times total. Can't remember the last time I did that. Then my wife got a smartphone, and we blocked the browser entirely through parental controls, with each of us having half the code. Of course, when I was down I tried a few times and of course I figured out her half. Here and there I would go on really bad sites. Not long thereafter we got rid of that phone. That was also 10+ years ago/ But every once in a while I fall. I once found that one computer in the Yeshiva (!!!!) where I work had no filter. You read that right.. No filter, in the yeshiva computer! I would estimate that once in 2-3 months I went on really bad stuff there. One day I just realized that I need accountability, so I came to GYE. I know I have to answer to someone, I'm going to write it if I fall, and that helps me.
Now you might wonder, what am I writing this for? I am writing it first of all because I feel a kinship and I feel likes it's "therapeutic" to tell my story someplace. Because even the people that I really trust, I can't tell them any of this. I sometimes wish there was an anonymous phone line where I could call and tell a Rav what I struggle with, to get it out of my system. When I was bachur I was really close to my rebbeim, and I shared with them even my deepest secrets and struggles, I would tell my Rebbe if I M'd. BH I didn't stuggle with that much, but I did do it a few times in my bachurishe years, and my rebbe knew/knows about it. Maybe I'm weird that I shared that with my rebbe, but that's me. If I felt an attraction to a bachur I told him, and he understood me, always helped me, never judged me. There's no question that having such a person in my life changed me in unimaginable ways. Alas, I don't think I'll ever have the nerve to go to anyone and discuss my normal struggles and mistakes at this point. What would a rav or even my rebbe, whom I am still very close to 20+ years later, think if a person in my position came and said "I struggle with this. Once in a while I can fall into watching P." I can't do that, so I'm saying it here. I'm a healthy person with normal urges and desires and it can happen that I fall sometimes. I try to avoid unfiltered machines, when I'm at my parents' house I don't touch their devices, I told them to never let my kids touch their things and I warn my children to stay away, not even to look at Grandma's phone. But I know that every once in a while I'll find a device, and my urges, desires and curiosity (yes, I am still curious as to what some tags on some sites are supposed to mean. Curiosity is powerful.) can get the better of me. I joined GYE so I have to give an accounting, and I even had a fall since I joined, which I reported. I have a life's story, like everyone else, and here I shared some. Maybe some more another time.
But another reason I write this is because I look at what other people have written here, and I realize how small I am. I, the guy who sits up front at dinners, the guy whom you may have even heard at a dinner or some other place, I look at you in awe. Because I am not torn to shreds like some of you are, I have a happy marriage, and so many of you are working so hard to just keep the pieces in place. You are brutally honest with yourselves, and in spite of being in places I have only read about, doing things out there....in spite of that you are here, trying mightily to get only closer to Hashem, to be good, to be clean. I also struggle, but nowhere nearly as much as most of the people here. And I wish I could shake your hand and tell you how proud I am of you. I am so proud, and I know that I can't imagine how proud Hashem is. Keep it up!!! In this world I'm at the head table at the dinner, but believe me, at the se'udas livyason you guys will be up there, I hope I'll at least be in the crowd
Always great ti hear back the story, chazak!!
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11 Dec 2022 03:02
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Emes-a-Yid
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taherlibeinu wrote on 01 Sep 2021 12:10:
HI Everyone,
Firstly I just want to echo much of what has been said. This is a tremendous site. Tremendous Yashar Koach to those who founded it.
I just want to share my story. I hope it will help people as well as myself. I am in my 30's with BH an incredibly loving family... but my story begins way before then..
I grew up back in the late 90's/0's in what can probably be defined as a modern orthodox home. Back then the internet was just coming to the forefront. There wasn't such a thing as a filter on both TV or computer (not that it is an excuse!) download speeds were about 3KB! Unfortunately there was still pornography.. I quickly became completely hooked acting out most days. In fact throughout my teenagehood i don't think once i went from Shabbos to Shabbos without slipping up. Somehow at the same time i grew in Yiddishkeite, I had this tremendous thirst for learning Torah and closeness to the Ribbono Shel Olam, i went through incredible highs of learning and focusing on Limud Hatorah and then a fall.. a cycle which am sure you are familiar with.
Like you all i didn't want to let anyone know about it so i suffered in silence. Throughout Yeshiva (which i did much better - went nearly 2 months at one point with no fall) and then after.. I went through a lot in my early 20's but my addiction was always with me.. In Yeshiva i met with a Rabbi/Physcologist and discussed this issue but it didn't really help.
As i have grown up I realise how this is so much a part of me but at the same time not. I am able at sometimes to go long periods without acting out and then all of a sudden i fall.. as an addict - and yes that is exactly what i am - i know that the only way i have a chance is to completely limit my access to such material. I don't have a smart phone and my laptop has webchaver installed which my wife gets emails for. It took me so long to get this installed but it is amazing to know that someone is looking at what i look at and it really helps stop the urge. Yet somehow there seems to always be a way for me to fall.. for example yesterday i came across my wifes old Iphone.. whilst i didn't go the full way i had a complete fall in terms of what i saw. I threw away the old charger so for now i cannot use it again but i will also remove the phone.
Despite these fallbacks I am determined to succeed. The greatest power the Yetzer Harah has is one of despair. Don't ever let it fool you into thinking you are too far gone..
I wanted to list out some of the things that helped me.. You will know most if not all of them but just in case it helps is worth mentioning.
1) Make it as difficult as possible to access pornographic material. Many of my sudden urges all come because i realise there is an "opening" to see something inappropriate. If you close the loophole often the urges might not come as often or as strong. This is absolutely critical - without this we are not giving ourselves the chance we deserve. Not having a smartphone is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Do not think for one minute it will impact your Parnassah. He who gives Parnassah is perfectly able to give me what i need without requiring a smartphone.
2) Have hobbies, be involved in other things.. whether it is a board for a charity/shul or chavruta or seeing friends. especially if you are single fill your day and give yourself less of a chance.
3) I keep a Cheshbon Hanefesh, i try each day to write in it and i keep track of how many days there. I list my goals and thank Hashem for everything each day. It is a very powerful tool. Accountability is also important, if i fall i try give Tzedaka afterwards and i fast half day on the following Sunday. These are not extreme things but i make sure to do them as a form of Teshuva. After that i move on.
4) Rav Moshe Weinberger Shlita has incredible shiurim on this topic. He has a Chaburas Yosef Hatzadik which deals precisely with this inyan. There is also a hidden gem of a shiur on YU torah which he has about this - www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/914698/rabbi-moshe-weinberger/kedusha-is-it-within-our-reach/ I cannot recommend this highly enough. I try jogging at least twice a week and i often listen to this shiur
5) I am talking to myself here -- Remember He who put you on this world gave you this challenge. He knows you and He has given you the kochos you need to win this battle. One day you will have to go back to him with to paraphrase Ki Tzavo "Your Basket of fruit" all your Mitzvot and deeds. You have the opportunity whilst here to make a difference, to do so much good. "The day after" i have to remind myself. If Hashem let me wake up today its because He trusts in me. If He didn't want me here He is perfectly able to take me anytime He wills. I am here because He believes in me. Its time to believe in myself also.
6) Daven, Daven and Daven some more. Hashem is here to help, He wants to help us. I pray He gives me strength and may He help you too.
For me my next step is to seriously take on the 90 day challenge.. 30 days has been my average period recently apart from the odd time over Pesach when i went 50+ days, my last fall yesterday was 21 days which is not good. One day at a time but for me bring on 90 days! I pray that with the Ribbono Shel Olam's help i will achieve this.. 90 days takes me to Tuesday 30th November. Please Hashem help me to get there.
If you are still reading.. thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. BH you should be matzliach in your own Nisyonos. May Hashem grant us all a Shana Tova Umetuka.
It is very appreciating to hear your story going to the first post on your forum, I see within this time you had done 21 days from 1 which is incredible a FULL 3 WEEKS! almost a month, half of shavvaim, it's only great news.. I am in it with you keep it going my friend, if there is anything I can do let me know. Keep it up bzh you also dipping daily is unfathomable to me personally because most I usually do is erev shabbos. Keep it up and onwards!! I don't know your background or age and what you do, but seeing that you have done accomplished before and now almost reaching to exceed that with such encouragement of things you have listed is outrages!!
I am excited to stay tuned with you and bzh together we can stay metaheer.
Hatzlacha
emesayid
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11 Dec 2022 02:52
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Human being
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Vehkam wrote on 08 Dec 2022 22:02:
I am sitting here waiting for the sun to go down, for the gye counter to allow me to clock one more clean day. One year clean. מאשפות ירים אביון I am overcome with emotion. I just reread many of my posts from the past year. I am thinking about how I have changed and I have been able to impact others. I am not looking at anyone else. I am looking at myself and i feel like my life has taken on a purpose that is unique to me. I feel like I have a place and I belong. Hashem has carried me for this entire year and I daven that he continues to do so.
If you have not read through my thread and are wondering how I was able to get through the year please take the time to read through my posts carefully. I believe that there is a lot of good information. No two people are the same but my thread should be helpful to a lot of you.
I tried to stop many times before but this time was different I went all in and came up with a plan. This included connections and therapy. I could no longer hide. I have been on offense for a year. They have been thousands upon thousands of opportunities for urges but with hashems help I did not let them in. My body still works and I am not asexual however my motivation remains strong and I have not had to deal with overpowering urges (while I was awake)for this entire year. They did not become overpowering because I was committed to move on from them as soon as they occurred.
I sent this recently to a rav that I am getting to know. He is incredibly accepting and has been very supportive.
I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere. I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried. I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it. Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could. The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed. I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew. It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can. I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me? Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me. This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there. We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped. Together we can make a difference.
Unreal. I want to cry from reading your post at how you understand the need for many of us to just feel like a human being around at least a few live people.. S truggles included.
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09 Dec 2022 11:28
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jackthejew
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Vehkam wrote on 08 Dec 2022 22:02:
I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me? Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me. This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there. We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped. Together we can make a difference.
Mazel Tov on a full Year!! (Kein YEARbu!!  ) I personally have taken much inspiration from following your journey and the great posts you put forward.
I have spoken to my Rebbi about this common feeling that everyone will judge us and not accept us. I once told him I used to be convinced that if my Rabbeim would know, my life would be over and I'd definitely be thrown out of Yeshiva. He answered, "I don't know how accurate that preception is, at least here in our Yeshiva. You should know there was a Bochur here once who was probably watching porn on Shabbos, and the Hanhalah didn't throw him out."
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08 Dec 2022 23:00
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willdoit
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Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Dec 2022 15:54:
OivedElokim wrote on 08 Dec 2022 03:54:
Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Dec 2022 02:44:
Hey, I know I'm late to the party, havent been on much the last two weeks. I saw alot of replies, I knew something exciting must have happened. Just how exciting I did not know.
I see everyome here tredding somewhat lightly, as should be expected, its a forum after all. Please do be upset at me though, if I am not as kind.
So my dear Oived, with no judgement at all, I have a question (and it seems to be a theme for me). Aside from your therapist, have you spoken to anyone in real life about this?
What I mean is, aside from searching the internt, and watching lectures, did you speak to some of your friends and or teachers in person or over the phone regarding this issue? Did you discuss it in a clear and direct manner?
Hey buddy, when I saw that you posted on my forum I was actually expecting a much harsher response then what I actually got, so no worries. I guess your reaction to life is all about your expectations. Ok enough philosophizing...
In answer to you question-yes. I have spoken to two mentor figures in my life, a sibling and a friend about this. The mentors were not particularly helpful (one said that all of my issues are really emotional in nature-I honestly think he doesn't have the tools to help me grapple with my issues on an intellectual level, although that may just be my own youthful arrogance talking-regardless it didn't resonate with me, and the other one just said I should keep monitoring my internal state-not sure what that'll do for me...), and as for the sibling and friend-I wasn't looking for answers from them, just empathy. I still plan to seek out more advice and help on this issue from my "real life" support system, but the GYE community is quite a good supplement to that. Thank you again for weighing in and showing-in your unique way-that you truly care. Your friendship is very valuable to me.
Wishing you all the best,
OivedElokim
Thanks for the kind words even if I'm not so kind 
Gye freinds are great, they can also be your real life friends. There is just a limitation to a forum, or for that matter any text messaging.
When I went thru this myself (doubting the truth of it all) i spoke to multiple friends and a semi mentor. Then again I was 18/19 so it was not unusual at my stage in life.
You will get some info posting here, and it is good to post here so we are all updated, but most important useful would be to talk to people. Text has very severe limitations.
I am also telling you this from a point of semi-trauma or my own experience.
A Very close relative of mine left the religous lifestyle. The catalyst was clearly sex addiction, though this relative of mine will deny it .
What bugged me most, was this relative reached out to groups that help people leave the religion, but never opened up to actual friends that they had for years!.
In other words, often times people have issues, and instead of talking to those whom they are close with, they are already looking at what the other side has to say, and jump ship, without giving their own friends and family a real chance.
So I was personally a little triggered when I saw you reading outside forums. People will write anything on forums, it's not necessary reality., and I say this from experience, seeing what my relative wrote on these forums as well.
In short, I would tell you the same thing I believe about my relative. I dont fault anyone for having any type of issues. I don't fault myself either for having porn and masturbation issues.
What I do fault myself for, is not really trying to properly deal with it.
There are things I know I can do that I'm not doing or trying.
Same thing I would say in your case. Your world is caving in, it's not a good situation. But there are uncomfortable things that you will have to do to resolve it, one way or the other (and I truly mean it, one way or the other).
The choice though is up to you. What are you willing to do.
You've hit the nail on the head.
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08 Dec 2022 22:26
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Teshuvahguy
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Vehkam wrote on 08 Dec 2022 22:02:
I am sitting here waiting for the sun to go down, for the gye counter to allow me to clock one more clean day. One year clean. מאשפות ירים אביון I am overcome with emotion. I just reread many of my posts from the past year. I am thinking about how I have changed and I have been able to impact others. I am not looking at anyone else. I am looking at myself and i feel like my life has taken on a purpose that is unique to me. I feel like I have a place and I belong. Hashem has carried me for this entire year and I daven that he continues to do so.
If you have not read through my thread and are wondering how I was able to get through the year please take the time to read through my posts carefully. I believe that there is a lot of good information. No two people are the same but my thread should be helpful to a lot of you.
I tried to stop many times before but this time was different I went all in and came up with a plan. This included connections and therapy. I could no longer hide. I have been on offense for a year. They have been thousands upon thousands of opportunities for urges but with hashems help I did not let them in. My body still works and I am not asexual however my motivation remains strong and I have not had to deal with overpowering urges (while I was awake)for this entire year. They did not become overpowering because I was committed to move on from them as soon as they occurred.
I sent this recently to a rav that I am getting to know. He is incredibly accepting and has been very supportive.
I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere. I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried. I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it. Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could. The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed. I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew. It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can. I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me? Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me. This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there. We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped. Together we can make a difference.
Mazal tov and huge hugs to you, Vehkam!! What a milestone. What an accomplishment. So glad I’m here to see it and celebrate it. Be well, my friend and keep on moving higher.
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08 Dec 2022 22:02
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Vehkam
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I am sitting here waiting for the sun to go down, for the gye counter to allow me to clock one more clean day. One year clean. מאשפות ירים אביון I am overcome with emotion. I just reread many of my posts from the past year. I am thinking about how I have changed and I have been able to impact others. I am not looking at anyone else. I am looking at myself and i feel like my life has taken on a purpose that is unique to me. I feel like I have a place and I belong. Hashem has carried me for this entire year and I daven that he continues to do so.
If you have not read through my thread and are wondering how I was able to get through the year please take the time to read through my posts carefully. I believe that there is a lot of good information. No two people are the same but my thread should be helpful to a lot of you.
I tried to stop many times before but this time was different I went all in and came up with a plan. This included connections and therapy. I could no longer hide. I have been on offense for a year. They have been thousands upon thousands of opportunities for urges but with hashems help I did not let them in. My body still works and I am not asexual however my motivation remains strong and I have not had to deal with overpowering urges (while I was awake)for this entire year. They did not become overpowering because I was committed to move on from them as soon as they occurred.
I sent this recently to a rav that I am getting to know. He is incredibly accepting and has been very supportive.
I was 19. I knew that the things I was doing were wrong. I also did not feel like I had any way to stop. I was desperate to talk to someone. Someone who would not judge me someone who would understand. I believed that person did not exist anywhere. I did not think it was safe to reveal my secrets anywhere. So I told no one. And every night I cried. I tried once after I got married. The person was somewhat helpful but they didn’t understand. They told me I was playing with my life. And I was. So I stopped for a couple of months at most. And then I fell back into it. Acting out was my secret. The longer I did it the bigger the secret was. One thing led to another I became entrenched in a deviant lifestyle. I made friends with many people from that lifestyle. It may have been just a few hours a week. At times perhaps the greater part of a day. But during these times I shed most of my commitments to live as a frum yid and engaged in as much promiscuous behavior as I possibly could. The sensations and highs were liberating and intoxicating. The opportunity was at times the stuff of dreams. When I was done I would compartmentalize my guilt. Put back on my tzitzis, white shirt and black pants and go back to frum society as if nothing had changed. I fooled myself into thinking that I was doing a good job of hiding everything. That I could continue the frum path and one day just stop all the deviant behaviors. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could not stop. The longer I engaged in these behaviors the less desire I had to stop. Every aspect of my spiritual life suffered. My learning, my davening, my speech, what I ate, who I related to were all affected. I was addicted to a lifestyle that was destroying me. And yet nobody in the world knew. It took me over three decades of struggling but bh With the help of Guard Your Eyes and intense therapy I am just about a year fully clean and sober. I am a healthier person than I was for my entire adult life. I am active on the GYE forums and try to help others whenever I can. I think back and ask myself what should I have done different. In whom should I have confided? Who in my life would have understood and who would have been able to help me? Sadly I still believe the answer to that question is that no one could have helped. I don’t believe that there was someone out there with whom I would have felt safe sharing and I don’t believe there was anyone in my life equipped to help me and not to judge me. This includes all of my family, rebbeim, rosh Yeshivas and friends. That level of acceptance just was not there. We need to change that. We need to get the message out there that good people are suffering. None of us want to be addicted or to feel compelled to engage in these behaviors. Yet all of us want to be understood. To have people around us with whom we can share and who will be able to help us without judging us. This needs to be our goal. The world is a different place and the time is right for these conversations. Thank you for reading this. please do your part in creating that nonjudgmental atmosphere which would give us addicts greater opportunity to be helped. Together we can make a difference.
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