I wasn't sure of the right place to post about this issue, but this seems like the right place.

I go to a secular university and I met a (non-Jewish) girl who told me should would be interested in having sex with me and a non-committal relationship. When we first started talking on this subject I was into it and my yetzer hara took control over me. As the subject turns and turns in my mind - beyond just simply knowing that it's not the right thing to do - I go back and forth between wanting to go through and not. The big problem I have here I guess is that I have a hard time fully comprehending the incorrectness of it all...
Backtracking a little, it all started because being lonely is awful, and more often than not it's difficult to talk about some topics, or get quite the right outlook, when talking to guy friends.

Can someone please reprimand me and give me insights to redirect my desires? I definitely think it's wise for me to start dating soon, so that I can direct this drive in a much more holy direction. But also the several platforms that I would use are at the moment a little hard to use; and I don't have a big Jewish community in which to start looking for my shidduch around here.

First of all BT2001, welcome! Here you are between brothers and we all want to see you succeed in doing the right thing. We care for you. Kudos on having the courage to post! As far as the incorrectness of it, you have to realize that the idea of sex as it is portrayed in the world today is not the way it is naturally meant to be. It is the zenith, the pinnacle of a meaningful, commited, caring, loving relationship. In other words, it only belongs in marriage. As far as being with a non-jew, that's a very serious problem. I salute you for the courage to post! And please keep posting!
As far as your unfortunate problem of being lonely, maybe you can try to call your (Jewish) friends, make some new ones that you could reach out to. Loneliness is very painful. I'm sorry, I feel for you. Wishing you tons of Hatzlacha

Welcome BT2001!

Wow, it must be an extremely difficult moment in your life.
Its commendable your ready to be open and get through this saga.

If your in university it's very likely there are jewish programs on campus.
It's also likely there is chabad on campus. I would suggest you look into that and get in touch with the rabbi there and go over your situation...trust me...your not the first and unfortunately not the last to be in such a pickle.

I'm wishing you success!

BT2001 wrote on 13 Dec 2022 21:25:

Welcome! 
We all truly admire you for coming here and reaching out to be able to stay strong and do the right things!
You wrote "Can someone please reprimand me and give me insights to redirect my desires?" 
You do not need to be reprimanded as you know what's right and you're trying so hard as it's evident from your post. 

I'll write some insight from this weeks parsha which is relevant to your challenge and I hope we can all gain from it to be strong and do what's right. 


One of the rarest and most unusual musical notes in the Torah is known in Hebrew as the "shalshelet." No other written musical note of the Torah is rendered in a repetitive style except the shalshelet, which stubbornly repeats its tune three times. The graphic notation of this note, too, looks like a streak of lightning, a "zigzag movement," a mark that goes repeatedly backward and forward.

This unique musical note appears no more than four times in all of the Torah, three times in Genesis and once in Leviticus1. One of them is in this week's portion, at a moment of high moral and psychological drama.

Yoseph is an extremely handsome teen-ager and his father Jacob's favorite child. He is sold into slavery by his brothers, who loathe him. Displayed on the Egyptian market, he is bought by a prominent Egyptian citizen, Potiphar, who ultimately chooses the slave to become the head of his household. There, Yoseph attracts the lustful imagination of his master's wife. She desperately tries to engage him in a relationship, yet he steadfastly refuses her.

Yoseph's refusal, we must remember, was not devoid of ambivalence and struggle. On the one hand, his entire moral sense said: No. It would be a betrayal of everything his family stood for — its ethic of sexual propriety and its strong sense of identity as children of the covenant. It would also be, as Joseph himself explained to the woman, a betrayal of her husband and a sin to G‑d.

How did Yoseph overcome this enormous temptation?

The answer is captured in the three biblical words and in their "shalshelet" musical note: "But he refused."

Aware of the profound danger that he might fall prey to immoral behavior, the first thing Yoseph did was present the woman with a thundering "no." As the thrice repetitive "shalshelet" note suggests, Joseph, in unwavering determination, declared three times: "No! No! No!" Forget about it, I will not do this! No ifs, buts, or maybes. Only afterward did Yoseph allow himself the indulgence of the rational argument against adultery.

When it comes to struggles, temptation or addiction, you can't be rational and polite. You must be determined, ruthless and single-minded. You must monotonously and stubbornly repeat the same "no" over and over again. Never allow room for nuance, negotiation or ambivalence. The moment you begin explaining and justifying your behavior, you are likely to lose the battle. Only after an absolute and non-negotiable "no" can you proceed with the intellectual argument behind your decision.

In this story of Joseph, then, we are given a timeless lesson of how to deal with our own ugly lusts and inclinations. Your temptations can be tougher than you think they are; do not try to strike deals with them. Just say: No! No! No! People might accuse you of being ignorant. So what? You will come out with a happy and meaningful life.

Also, you wrote: "give me insights to redirect my desires" 

To learn how to redirect our love to Hashem through this struggle, here is one helpful approach from the Holy Sefer, Noam Elimelech from Rav Elimelech of Lizensk (Parshas Bishalach):

Yakov Avinu A”H, used to serve Hashem with his midah, which is “Tiferes” (meaning "Awesome Beauty"). And from everything he used to see, hear, do, or eat, he took from it awesomeness of the Creator--Blessed Be He. For example, if he would eat something tasty, he would think in his mind: “This food is but a creation. Who put the good taste into this food? Was it not the Creator--Blessed Be He? And if this food is so good in taste, is it not obvious that all the good and pleasantness is to be found in the Creator--may his name be blessed--without any limits or boundaries?! And so he would think with each thing. And with this is understood the Pasuk, “and Yaakov kissed Rachel”.

How uplifting and beautiful it is to try to apply this midah of Yaakov Avinu to ourselves. Whenever we see something that turns our hearts to these desires, we need to tell ourselves, "If this is truly so good and I desire it so much, how much more desirable it must be to connect with Hashem, for in Him lies all beauty, comfort, security, love and pleasure. (After all, if He didn't have it all within Him, could He have created it?) All of us have a "G-d hole" that we are trying to fill. Hashem gave us a deep subconscious need to seek Him out, for He is the source of all that we need. Our physical minds are simply messing up the signals of our soul's yearning. The beauty we see in this world is but a fleeting shadow of the real thing!

DavidT wrote on 14 Dec 2022 14:15:

And the biggest lesson i learn from Yosef Hatzadik is that after refusing he didn't won the lottery, he didn't become a king (only after 12 years), he didn't found his shidduch right then, he didn't even flew back to his father by mirical, what happened right afterwards is that he was sent to Jail for 12 years with the biggest and scariest black murders and robbers from Egypt, and didnt say anyone of his family, no visiters besides that ugly wicked woman who asked for sex every day even in jail (i am 99% sure that this is in a seifer with a good mekor somewhere, if someone has more details please share) and yosef didnt fell for, 

But, after many years he became king in the largest city in the world, he became the most famous person in the world, and also the only man the Torah calls him a Tzadik (besides Noach) 


Man, it's worth the wait and the pain, because one day you may (or may never) see the beauty of it, 

Stay strong

Welcome BT2001. Loneliness is crushing. Please accept a virtual hug from the chevra here at GYE. That hug is genuine buddy. It comes from people who know what a committed relationship is. It comes from guys that would never "dump" someone else.   

This girl (or your subconscious mind) is tricking you into thinking she will cure your loneliness but listen to what this girl is really offering you in other words.  "Right now, you are a handsome robust healthy seemingly personable guy. Because of that i am willing to share my body with you. You can stick your most private and holy limb, your penis into me and i know you will enjoy that, and it will make you imagine that someone loves you and cares for you. But make sure you understand clearly that you are making yourself very vulnerable to me and i may cause you to become crushingly lonely - even worse than before: 1. if you get sick, i am not nursing you back to health as a wife would, 2. if you do something i don't like, i will dump you, 3. if i get the picture that you are not as intelligent as i thought, goodbye!. 4. if i find someone more to my liking, you are history buddy".  

I suggest you watch the video of Rabbi Orloweck titled "The Platonic Relationship". He goes into great detail about the emotional disasters non-committal relationships cause.

Hatzlocha my friend. I hope and pray you choose well. Make Hashem proud, but maybe even more important, make yourself proud - do what you know is right.

Thank you for sharing your story - the loneliness is real. It can be very discouraging to be surrounded by others yet feel completely alone....

Before I had the merit and opportunity to learn about how to live a meaningful and purposeful Torah lifestyle and to do teshuva on my past deeds, I did have sexual relations with several women. One of my deepest pains is the fact that no matter how strong my bond with my wife grows and develops, I will never be able to share that feeling of "the first time" with my wife. There is a special closeness and attachment that a person has with the first woman he is sexually intimate with, and no experience outside of marriage is worth it enough to give up that shared experience with your wife. 

Wishing you the strength to overcome

ILH247

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Dec 2022 12:22:

I believe it's Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky.
I've listened to it many times and keep coming back for more.
He hits the nail right on the head. It's funny and entertaining and at the same time fiercely honest (like all his other stuff).

BT2001 wrote on 13 Dec 2022 21:25:

Welcome welcome welcome!!! For starters, It says in the Torah that a girl is forbidden to us if they are a "niddah". All girls nowadays are assumed to be niddah. Once a girl gets married she then starts using the mikvah and then we can say she is no longer a niddah. It is important to note that this is considered in the Torah as a serious sin. (No judgment here-I'm just answering your question of why is wrong). "Svaras are great, yet if we fail to say the underlying reason it's assur (because it says that in the torah). Then a svara could always be answered back with a different svaras to tell you the other way  so yes, god says explicitly, we are unable to so much as touch a girl. All the more so having sex 

You are courageous for reaching out!!

connected wrote on 15 Dec 2022 14:59:

Thank you for the correction!

An update for you all: just saying no worked really well after all. Remaining consistent and constant with that no can be a little bit of a struggle, but I know in the end it'll be worth it. I appreciate everyone mentioning Yosef HaTzadik because he's a great example of overpowering this struggle.

Beyond all this great advice, several things have seriously helped me: keeping in mind that H' is the source of all beauty and appreciating that. Keeping in mind that this is just a test and I will push through. Keeping mind that if I would (c''vsh) go through with this act, I would feed into the disgusting promiscuous sex culture prominent today, thereby not effecting any change in this area and bringing Moshiach no sooner.

If I have any other important updates, I'll be sure to post them too. Thank you all so much for your help and support.

Wow. Beautiful. Really beautiful. You just brought Moshiach much closer. I'm in awe! Keep in touch with the chevra here.

BT2001 wrote on 15 Dec 2022 21:38:

Dude, you're an incredible warrior. Really, I have no words. Just incredible. Yosef Hatzaddik is smiling down from Shamayim.

If I may add another point that from Yosef Hatzadik’s Nisayon we can strengthen ourselves with the recognition that when we struggle in a situation of a Nisayon, at this time our future rests in a balance. Will we withstand the test and then we will rise much higher or God forbid the opposite.

Let us look at what Chazal revealed to us in the case of Yosef Hatzadik at the time of his Nisayon. The Gemara (סוטה לו,ב) says that on the day of their holiday, the wicked one stayed in her house, and said, 'I don't have a better day that I can trap Yosef like this day'. That is, in this day, all the conditions for me to carry out my plan will be met. No one will stand in my way. No one is at home, except Yosef. The ordeal was indeed unbearably difficult, as described above. 'At that time, the image of his father came and appeared to him at the window. He said to him, “Yosef, your brothers be written on the stones of Ephod, and you among them. Is your will is that your name should be removed from being among them?”

What he was telling Yosef is that, if God forbid he fails then his name will not be mentioned on the stones of the Ephod along with his brothers, as the sin will cause him to be lost. disappear. be erased. And when Yosef withstood the Nisayon, says the Gemara (ibid.), "Yosef who sanctified heaven in secret, the letter ה was added to him one letter from the name of Hashem, as it says עדות ביהוסף שמו And the Rambam (הלכות כלי המקדש פרק ט' הלכה ט') explains that there were twenty-five letters in each stone, and he enumerates the names of the Shevatim in each stone, and the way they are written, and writes Yosef with the addition of the letter ה

We can learn from this an amazing and important lesson. If Yosef had sinned, God forbid, his name would have been completely erased from the stones of the Ephod. And because he won and withstood the Nisayon, his name appears with the addition of the letter ה from Hashem’s name.

We need to know that this lesson is in a sense an example for every person in every Nisayon and struggle that happens to him in his life. You can earn so much in this world but God forbid, also the other way around. Let us be of those who earn their world, and not of those who lose it!