OivedElokim wrote on 15 Mar 2023 02:33:

Hatzlacha, it must be not easy at all . Again wish you the best and thanks for updating!

Update:
Gonna write up a contract tonight, might share some elements of it here.

Going to see this Certified Sex Addiction Therapist tomorrow, will see what he says.

Wish me luck
OivedElokim

Hello all.

 I am in my mid 30’s and from the outside it  looks like I have a great life. Beautiful kids, wife, have my own business  involved in community, friends over all the time, hosting kiddushus weekly etc

But on the inside, I'm just the opposite. Sad, low self esteem.



Why? I don't know. It doesnt make any logical sense. 

Looking back over the past 15-20 years, I have always been either porn/masterbating, weed, alcohol, massages etc. I always thought of the behaviors as not ideal but never thought of them as a problem. Now as I decided to stop, ( massage 2+ years, porn/masterbation 250+ days, weed/ alcohol 90+day) I realize all these behaviors are connected and it got to a point where they were just covering up feelings. Feelings of both happiness and sadness. 

I went to a few online AA/MA meetings. They were great but I never was able to connect with the group. I don't feel like I am an addict. I don't feel like I am powerless to these things. I know they are things that are not good for me and that they are causing me more harm then good… but I just dont feel I'm addicted to them. 

I have been going to therapy which has been great but I am puzzled as to how to move on form here. I thought that after being sober from all mind altering drugs I  will start to learn how to feel again. It has not happened and I am feeling ‘blah’ all the time. 

Not feeling happy and not feeling sad. Just blah.

Overall being sober has been a huge plus, shalom beit improved, health, parenting…. I plan on staying sober. I just dont know what to in order to start feeling emotions again. To start feeling grateful  for my  life and the beautiful world we live in. 

posting here is a great start.  hopefully you will make some good connections.  having people with whom you can share your journey should help bring out more of the positive feel.  Also, I am not a professional but check with your therapist if there is a chance of clinical depression that can be confusing you....  More likely, however is that you are used to using all of these escapes to medicate your mood and you haven't yet found other meaningful methods of dealing with your moods.  Preparing a list of healthy outlets to try when you are feeling blah may help...

Hello all.
 I am in my mid 30’s and from the outside it  looks like I have a great life. Beautiful kids, wife, have my own business  involved in community, friends over all the time, hosting kiddushus weekly etc

But on the inside, I'm just the opposite. Sad, low self esteem.

Why? I don't know. It doesnt make any logical sense. 
Looking back over the past 15-20 years, I have always been either porn/masterbating, weed, alcohol, massages etc. I always thought of the behaviors as not ideal but never thought of them as a problem. Now as I decided to stop, ( massage 2+ years, porn/masterbation 250+ days, weed/ alcohol 90+day) I realize all these behaviors are connected and it got to a point where they were just covering up feelings. Feelings of both happiness and sadness. 
I went to a few online AA/MA meetings. They were great but I never was able to connect with the group. I don't feel like I am an addict. I don't feel like I am powerless to these things. I know they are things that are not good for me and that they are causing me more harm then good… but I just dont feel I'm addicted to them. 

I have been going to therapy which has been great but I am puzzled as to how to move on form here. I thought that after being sober from all mind altering drugs I  will start to learn how to feel again. It has not happened and I am feeling ‘blah’ all the time. 

Not feeling happy and not feeling sad. Just blah.

Overall being sober has been a huge plus, shalom beit improved, health, parenting…. I plan on staying sober. I just dont know what to in order to start feeling emotions again. To start feeling grateful  for my  life and the beautiful world we live in. 

It has now been over a year since the fight began for me. And 8 months since my last post here.

First a brief update. I had more or less "put on hold" my quitting mission during the summer, but it didn't go well. An old chronic issue ended up flaring up. Lasting bad moods, irritability, etc.

In November, I found perhaps one of the greatest podcast / youtube resources out there. (At least for me and at that time.) I will assume links, if they are allowed, are at least frowned upon. It was Gedale Fenster's video/podcast on the Breslev podcast. Fighting Addictions, it was called. (He has some others, but this one hit harder on my experience.)

Anyway, no grand streaks or anything, but I think mindset shifts are essential, especially when starting out, or being caught near the starting line. Now it's late, and sleep is important for willpower, so that's all for today.

– DT.

OivedElokim wrote on 14 Mar 2023 04:17:

I’m loss for words.

Keep pulling through! You are insane at what you’re aiming towards to achieve, very exciting.

I have seen a lot of your posts and I do feel for your situations, it’s rough but the fact you are actually pushing to accomplish and not just thoughts is very telling to get somewhere BeH!! 

Wish you Hatzlacha with lots of love OivedElokim

Spoke to my regular therapist today (fell asleep at 4:30 last night, after tossing and turning, repeatedly masturbating, dreading the session). 
He really put me at ease. He thought that the idea that I’m an addict is laughable and said that it was quite irresponsible for a therapist who doesn’t know the details of my situation to suggest otherwise.

Nevertheless, I still plan to talk to this CSAT tomorrow just to hear his side of things, and maybe go in for a session or two. Idk if it’s even worth the investment tbh, now that I’m thinking about it.
I might still be open to going to Porn Anonymous meetings. I feel like the fellowship and spirituality might do me a lot of good, even if I’m not technically an addict…
Anyways, addict or not, my porn usage is out of hand and I plan to write a contract tomorrow and share it with a few accountability partners. I hope the plan (incentives/deterrents/accountability) is successful. 

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hope to share good news in the coming days.

Trying The Best wrote on 14 Mar 2023 02:42:

Incredible! Nice username!! Nice to see you around GYE, hatzlacha on all your endeavors!

I actually have GYE as a pinned tab on my PC and my tablet! I feel like it’s a Shmura for me! 

And I’ll tell you this…I became addicted to GYE…. (Shhhh…Don’t tell anyone), i can sometimes have a pile of work and I am busy reading and getting inspired of these amazing ppl here, but I feel like this is an investment for me, family and my life!

enjoy!
Trying the best.

monseyyid41 wrote on 13 Mar 2023 03:24:

Welcome!
It's so good to have another fellow yid that is here for the same purpose like all of us - to become better people and do the will of Hashem in these difficult times with such big nisyonos. 

I'll write some tips based on the teaching of the Steipler Z"L. 
1- It is crucial that one not give in to despair, chas v’shalom. One must constantly place his hope in Hashem to help him [to prevail over his yetzer hara]. Is anything beyond Hashem’s power? And Chazal have taught us: “One who seeks to purify himself will be granted Heavenly assistance
2- Someone once came to the "Steipler Gaon" to complain about this problem. So the Steipler asked him "Are there times that you're misgaber" so he answered "usually I fail". So the Steipler asked again "And are there times that you're misgaber" so he answered "Yes, but rarely" so the Steipler explained to him that every time you pass the test it's a Kinyan that's yours to keep. The times that you fail are erasable.
3- Yiras Shamayim is a great tool for avoiding sin until the person has stepped into the yetzer hara’s territory. Once he has already succumbed by entering a place, a website, or picking up a periodical that is forbidden, his yiras Shamayim will almost certainly not help him, as the Steipler writes in a letter:  It is well known from the writings of holy sefarim that at a moment when the yetzer hara is overpowering him, a person loses virtually all his fear of Heaven, and only a faint residue remains. Therefore, when someone feels himself being overpowered by his yetzer hara, he should immediately go among people in whose presence he would be ashamed to sin.

Please keep us posted and stay strong!

Hello and welcome!



this place is for everyone that wants to get helped in a comfortable way without knowing who you are! Doesn’t matter if you’re addicted or no.

just stick around and looking forward to hear your story!



And by the way, Eerie is my Rabbi here on GYE! He’s amazing!

Enjoy,

Trying the best 

Hi! Welcome! Great to hear from you! Much Hatzlacha in the Milchemes Hakoidesh!

Welcome welcome!!
We already have something in common as I'm also a big chassid of Eerie:)
I relate to everything you're saying. No clinical addiction, havent been masturbating for years and years, never watched porn, and also in a position of influence. But falling to the YH nonetheless, and I have found GYE to be tremendously helpful! We are all in this together regardless of the level of struggle  (I think it even says so on one of GYE's videos). It's true that it's easier to relate to people who are more in your ballpark but rest assured there are plenty of us who are in your situation. Please stick around and share your story with us; we are all soldiers in this army fighting the last battle. 

Hello everyone, I am a new member of GYE and I am excited to be joining this chaburah of Yidden who are striving to come closer to Hashem. I would like to start out with a confession of sorts. I actually signed up about 2 months ago, not really knowing what this was all about, but hopeful that it could be helpful to me. Before I actually checked in or started any kind of program, I was reading a lot of the different comments from people in the forum, just to get a feel of what people were struggling with and to see if there was anything in common with my own struggles, and I was actually kind of turned off. Because when I was reading all the different stories of people with the challenges they have, I started thinking: “This is really not for me. True, I struggle with Shmiras Einayim, and I have looked at things and done things I shouldn’t have, but these people are talking about addiction to porn, masturbating daily for years at a time, etc. these people have serious issues, I’m just a regular person who once in a while gets caught up with the Yetzer Hara. This is not the kind of crowd I belong in”. Yes, that’s the view that I had from up on my high horse. But some time after that I fell again, with porn and masturbation, and when I was feeling all guilty and horrible about myself, it hit me. Maybe I do need some help. Maybe I’m not any better than all those people in GYE that I so casually dismissed. So I went back on and started reading some more. And one of the first things I read in the forum was from Eerie, entitled “It’s all in the name“, and I literally broke down crying. Because I have so many things in common with his story. For one, I don’t believe that I’m addicted, but it really doesn’t matter if you give yourself (or anyone else) that label. The main thing is I have fallen many times in the past, and I am looking to improve myself, and that is true about everyone here. Also, I too am in chinuch and I am dealing with the same feelings that Eerie expressed about the hypocrisy of someone teaching Torah and giving over our heilige mesorah to the next generation when he himself gets caught up in the worst Aveiros (I read the responses as well and I found them very much on target). And then, when he mentioned that he discovered one computer in his school that had unfiltered internet, I almost fell off my chair. This literally happened to me as well (do we work in the same school?) So, thank you Eerie, for opening my eyes and allowing me to realize that we are all here for the same reason; not to judge anyone else and decide who’s better than whom, but to grow together and help each other in our shared goal of Kirvas Elokim. And thank you as well to everyone else (if you’re still reading at this point, double thank you!) for allowing me to join you all in this holy endeavor. I haven’t actually gotten to my story yet, but I think this is enough for now. I would like to wish you all much Hatzlacha in your Avodas Hakodesh and I hope this can be a fresh start for me as well.

I feel feel you brother, but while it may be scary, it might also be the best clarity in your life, and the start to healing yourself, never have I met an addict that missed the time in his life he didn't think he's an addict yet....

Whatever life's brings I hope you feel better. Your a good dude bro.