Hello all.
 I am in my mid 30’s and from the outside it  looks like I have a great life. Beautiful kids, wife, have my own business  involved in community, friends over all the time, hosting kiddushus weekly etc

But on the inside, I'm just the opposite. Sad, low self esteem.

Why? I don't know. It doesnt make any logical sense. 
Looking back over the past 15-20 years, I have always been either porn/masterbating, weed, alcohol, massages etc. I always thought of the behaviors as not ideal but never thought of them as a problem. Now as I decided to stop, ( massage 2+ years, porn/masterbation 250+ days, weed/ alcohol 90+day) I realize all these behaviors are connected and it got to a point where they were just covering up feelings. Feelings of both happiness and sadness. 
I went to a few online AA/MA meetings. They were great but I never was able to connect with the group. I don't feel like I am an addict. I don't feel like I am powerless to these things. I know they are things that are not good for me and that they are causing me more harm then good… but I just dont feel I'm addicted to them. 

I have been going to therapy which has been great but I am puzzled as to how to move on form here. I thought that after being sober from all mind altering drugs I  will start to learn how to feel again. It has not happened and I am feeling ‘blah’ all the time. 

Not feeling happy and not feeling sad. Just blah.

Overall being sober has been a huge plus, shalom beit improved, health, parenting…. I plan on staying sober. I just dont know what to in order to start feeling emotions again. To start feeling grateful  for my  life and the beautiful world we live in. 

Shalom ms249. I relate to much of what you're saying. Mamash. 

It sounds like there is a lot of positivity in your life, that you have a high level of self awareness, and a high level of self control. That makes it sound like your sadness and low self esteem is not because your current life situation, but because of something from the past.

Do you have insight into the source of your low self esteem? Have you always had low self esteem? Is it the result of trauma, difficult relationship with your parents, unstable home? (You don't have to answer)

Hello all.

 I am in my mid 30’s and from the outside it  looks like I have a great life. Beautiful kids, wife, have my own business  involved in community, friends over all the time, hosting kiddushus weekly etc

But on the inside, I'm just the opposite. Sad, low self esteem.



Why? I don't know. It doesnt make any logical sense. 

Looking back over the past 15-20 years, I have always been either porn/masterbating, weed, alcohol, massages etc. I always thought of the behaviors as not ideal but never thought of them as a problem. Now as I decided to stop, ( massage 2+ years, porn/masterbation 250+ days, weed/ alcohol 90+day) I realize all these behaviors are connected and it got to a point where they were just covering up feelings. Feelings of both happiness and sadness. 

I went to a few online AA/MA meetings. They were great but I never was able to connect with the group. I don't feel like I am an addict. I don't feel like I am powerless to these things. I know they are things that are not good for me and that they are causing me more harm then good… but I just dont feel I'm addicted to them. 

I have been going to therapy which has been great but I am puzzled as to how to move on form here. I thought that after being sober from all mind altering drugs I  will start to learn how to feel again. It has not happened and I am feeling ‘blah’ all the time. 

Not feeling happy and not feeling sad. Just blah.

Overall being sober has been a huge plus, shalom beit improved, health, parenting…. I plan on staying sober. I just dont know what to in order to start feeling emotions again. To start feeling grateful  for my  life and the beautiful world we live in. 

posting here is a great start.  hopefully you will make some good connections.  having people with whom you can share your journey should help bring out more of the positive feel.  Also, I am not a professional but check with your therapist if there is a chance of clinical depression that can be confusing you....  More likely, however is that you are used to using all of these escapes to medicate your mood and you haven't yet found other meaningful methods of dealing with your moods.  Preparing a list of healthy outlets to try when you are feeling blah may help...

Hi, my friend! First of all, WOW!!! All those massive accomplishments! To stop all the unhealthy behavior, you are amazing! Do you celebrate your accomplishments? Do you stop and realize how amazing you are? How proud Hashem is to have you as His child? How proud we all are to have you in our family? If you stopped to think about what you just said, I can't imagine that it won't make a dent in your mood. And in addition to all the wonderful ideas our friends have written above, how about trying the old secret potion. They call it Torah! Put your heart and mind into zika and yibum, into why eidus meyuchedes is kosher by momoin, learn Torah with real depth, פקודי ה' ישרים משמחי לב, תורת ה' תמימה משיבת נפש
Stick around my friend, keep posting, and don't forget to keep trucking!

How's it going?

Maybe keep posting, there are people here who have had similar situations to your own. 

Are you me? 

I totally understand that feeling of emptiness in the heart. You’ve been making an active effort to be passive about your tests - but have you been making an effort to be active in channeling your talents elsewhere? 

until now you’ve been a taker, and at this point you seem to be neutral. 

now you must find ways to be an active giver in order to give, not in order to be known as a giver. 

bikur Cholim, tzeddakah in a hidden way, looking for ways to do favors for your wife secretly without her even knowing, making a special effort to hug and kiss your kids every day and look them in the eyes and tell them how special they are (with specific details as to why), etc. 

time to reverse the flow

I will ask the same As I Love Hashem, 
are you me? You described me completely…. Well, except for the weed part, which I’ve never done since I want my brain to work better and faster and not slower which I’ve been told weed does. 
Nobody knows for sure what came first the chicken or the egg, meaning did the Porn and Masturbation create the anxiety, or to numb the anxiety we turned to P and M? 
I’ve suffered from anxiety my whole life so far, and it led me to depression, I denied it for too long and kep proving that I’m not depressed, but I am. Depression doesn’t always mean leaving in bed and not getting out, I’m leading a very fulfilling life and have everything in the world, I eat healthy and spend time with loved one and work and learn hours every day, I accomplished BH a lot the last few years.
Yet, I’m mildly depressed, I’m always worried about my health, I’m worried about my anxiety and about my brain and a million other things, which leads me to feel hopeless about life and it’s goes round and round. So I’m going to therapy and it will get better BE”H!
So keep your chin up! You have lots of good things in your life! Hashem is with you and he will never leave you!
There are physical things that help greatly, like exercise, eating healthy food, less sugar, having lots of friends, connecting with more people.
 Stick around and be in touch 

Wow. I had the z'chus of doing simular things to you, and got to expereince the wonders of feeling nothing. I had a trick that seems a little weird but worked for me. I would go the forest or some place private for an hour or so every night and Daven in english. For the first month or so nothing changed, but then my heart just opened.
Try dancing too. Turn on the music, throw you head back, give a good fake laugh, and let the solo dance party begin!
Hatzlacha! The fact your quitting is INSANE! Keep Livin' in Beast Mode!