m111 wrote on 28 Mar 2023 10:58:

What I'd like to highlight here is the beauty of GYE. It gave us all the ability to find friends that be there when we are in a pinch, and they can reach out and help us stand strong, or if we fall they can help us stand back up. Personally, when I went through a tough few days a few weeks ago, a few caring friends reached out, and they made all the difference in the world. Takeaway: You don't have to be Einstein to help a guy, you just have to care about him. Like Markz likes to say, the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection. We can all be that connection. Keep trucking, M111!

Hi BHTYH,
First of all, realize that you are in a better place then a lot of people here who are unable to go longer then a few weeks or a month without M. 
Plus, You BH have no addiction to P! Dance in the street brother!
Now to your issue, what you need to  understand is what happens when we are sexually excited, our brain creates feel good hormones called Serotonin, thats makes us excited and the heart pumps, it does a lot of things. Adrenaline is also released at a much greater level when we are excited about sex. 
Now what happend is that your brain was used to feeling like this and it regulated everything accordingly, so your energy level and your sleep level and everything that comes along with it was regulated a certain way. Once you stopped, your brain and hormone level are confused and therefore you dont feel different. 
Regarding the brain fog- It could be either that you are feeling depressed and therefore you are getting brain fog.
or that you are fighting urges too much and therefore your brain is exhausted, keep in ind that brain fog can also be caused by low energy levels. 
Brain fog is an extremally hard thing to diagnose because there are so many different causes. 
I am suffering from brain fog myself for a very long time sometimes it better and sometimes it harder. When i get aroused my whole brain fog goes away instantly. 

I would suggest waiting a bot more and your brain will slowly get used to it. Meanwhile you must do exercise. When doing exercise your brain releases the same hormones and hopefully that will balance things out. 

I agree with you 100%. 
I started therapy again recently, i told the therapists where im up to now. But im in more pain, i thought being in this place, i will be happy. 
So he said, that all i did was to remove my main coping mechanism, and now the pain is looking for another way to manifest itself. 
I dont want to discourage anyone here, but my mind has definitely gotten worse when i stopped P and M. Why am i saying this? Because if you are in pain and struggling with P and M, you must seek help. Just quitting this addiction will not really ease your pain. 
Same goes with any addiction, people turn to trugs or alcohol or lust in order to escape the pain, it doesn't help but rather creates a new problem that needs to be solved. 
When they finally quit the addiction, they still need to treat the pain. 
So quit this addiction, but also see a professional if you are in pain. 

It's the myth of "normal" that keeps everything in a warped perspective. 

Its not like thier are those that are 'addicts'/'have mental illness' on one side, and then those "normal" people on the other side.   We are all part of one group that needs connection safety and interconnected living..

When we act out because of pain, we are normal. We must stop looking at "why the addiction" but rather, why the pain?"

We are all beings who need connection and safety. Those who don't have this are people in pain. Who are normal people. Not addicts.

Some of the best advice that I ever got about getting married was:

1. I should think about the kind of woman that I want,

then I should think about the kind of man that she would want,
then I have to become that kind of man. 

2. Also, shmirat lashon is a very important mitzvah.  I can't engage in it, and I can't hear it.  This mitzvah helped me understand when not to say and to do, and when I must say and do.  I've seen many matches end because of an over-heard word that was over-trusted.

3. Finally, I will say that I had many "never" conditions.  It took me a long time to learn that some of my "never" conditions were not really "never" conditions at all.  I had to understand why those attributes mattered so much to me.  I wish someone had told me that certain characteristics don't matter.  See Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 145.

I have heard that I can't be married if I'm an addict.  This isn't being strict - this is a kindness.

Public accountability - I feel like I am chasing my tail in terms of conquering addictions. If it’s not sex, then it was drugs. Got rid of the drugs, started drinking. Avoiding the drink, stuffing my face with food. Feeling way too fat and want to lose at least 30 pounds kind of weird because I was always somewhat of a slim guy  


Thinking and thinking how to stop chasing my tail and start living my life

Dr Gabor mate. -"The first question is not 'why the addiction' but rather - 'why the pain' ".

Brother 1084 you’re carrying a lot of pain.

I want to reach through the screen and give you a hug!!

To someone who is hurting, I’m not sure if I should reply at this time, but since you asked, here goes
1084 wrote on 19 Mar 2023 03:42:


MBJ’s post about Pas Besalo (I linked earlier) is valid although he could have written it a little softer.

You wrote back to me about it with this -
1084 wrote:


I don’t know you, so this may not be relevant. Masturbating weekly + as you shared, I think would meet MBJ’s idea of addict. He’s talking about a non-addict guy like me (and you?).

It comes back to an old discussion on gye and off gye too.

Is marriage going to fix our Porn and / or Masturbation problem?

It’s a good question ;-)

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I had this issue  for a few of them, too. Something that was helpful to me in this regard is the knowledge that they're doing an acting job, and that most of the time they aren't even attracted to the guy in the scene. It's all fake. So not only are you not seeing the full potential of the truthful connection and actual love based intimacy that can be had in an atmosphere of Kedusha, you're not even seeing how these messed up people actually relate in real life. To their own husbands and boyfriends they're actually not like that in real life.

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I know exactly what you mean. It almost feels like you know them and are part of their life. Like oved elokim wrote, you almost have a relationship with them. 
Hatzlacha!  Keep trucking!!!!

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I can definitely relate to this issue, I'm always going back to the same few actresses and even videos. Their names are seared into my memory and I almost feel like I have a relationship with them. Till I got image filtering I would search them up and get aroused by pictures of them that weren't even explicit...

But ultimately it doesn't really make a difference. Beating porn happens through careful planning, intentional connection and accountability, and an optimistic, can-do attitude. So I'd suggest you focus on building those things as opposed to worrying about the particular kind of porn you like to watch. It really doesn't matter.

Sorry if I'm coming across as judgmental or dismissive, that is not my intention. I just wanted to share some advice from my own perspective. Take it or leave it.

Wishing you much success in this fight, or as you call it-"divorce",
OivedElokim

nafrub wrote on 22 Mar 2023 18:39:

I can definitely relate to this issue, I'm always going back to the same few actresses and even videos. Their names are seared into my memory and I almost feel like I have a relationship with them. Till I got image filtering I would search them up and get aroused by pictures of them that weren't even explicit...

But ultimately it doesn't really make a difference. Beating porn happens through careful planning, intentional connection and accountability, and an optimistic, can-do attitude. So I'd suggest you focus on building those things as opposed to worrying about the particular kind of porn you like to watch. It really doesn't matter.

Sorry if I'm coming across as judgemental or dismissive, that is not my intention. I just wanted to share some advice from my own perspective. Take it or leave it.

Wishing you much success in this fight, or as you call it-"divorce",
OivedElokim

Hello everyone

i'm addicted to p&m. in the past I had ups and downs, since I came on gye it went better, i started to make a cheshben hanefesh and b"h i got good friends who helping me, but still didn't get out of it.

In general I don't like so much to watch stam porn ,my main problem is that I have my few porn stars that I know their names and I like to search, see and watch them, and this is the hardest part from my nisoyin to get divorced.... from them.

Please if anyone can relate or have any tips or solutions for this case.

Thanks

I haven't posted about myself for a while.
First I've come to realize that I don't have an addiction. What seemed to me as an addiction is really a very deeply ingrained bad habit. I mean having a tendency to seek enjoyment or a soother/relax from porn/inappropriate images and/or masturbation is just that, a tendency. It's not even like addiction to a coffee in the morning that I can't manage without (my head will hurt and I can't think at the same capacity without the coffee). Just because the urges are so strong that they drive me nuts doesn't mean that I'm addicted.
My urges are sometimes so strong that I feel like pulling the hair out of my head literally without exaggeration, or grinding my teeth, grunting, feeling like I don't know what to do with myself.
I now think this is still in the realm of normalcy.
Can anyone share any insight/experience on this?

Hi US,
Let me share a bit about myself, 
I have been addicted for a very long time before i got married and after as well. 
Every time i tried telling my wife that we need filter, she didnt understand as well. But i persisted and eventually we got the strongest filters and we both got rid of our smartphones. 
If you really want it and you will have BH a great marriage then you can explain it very nicely that it has nothing with trusting her, its just that a Yidishe home cannot be open to the dirtiest garbage in the world and it was asared by all the rabanim s it really has nothing to do with her And being a erlich yid requires sacrifices. 

Mazel tov and good luck