Finally accepted that I am an addict. I said so in public at the AA meeting last night.

Not sure how that applies to alcohol, perhaps I am an addict to addicting things perhaps when I can’t get my fix, and I am not working on it, I reach out to escape to other things…

Not clear on that yet

But just like porn or M or drinking, or drugging it is an escape from facing the realities of my life

I grew up with everything other than the free will to make my own decisions

Currently on my way for an intake to get a therapist and deal with the source and root of all that troubles me

I am in my mid 40's and have come a long way with my personal struggle of shemiras eynayim. There were times in my life ( about 12 years ago ) when I was addicted. I BH managed to break free about 10 years ago. I typically fall about 2 times a year unfortunately. I do however want to be fully free without ever falling. I am struggling with Parnassah and there is a voice inside of me telling me to resort to my old ways. I feel that if I am busy working a whole day I will have less of a struggle. I have tried looking for work but the odds seem to be stacked against me. If anyone sees this post and can help me find work please email me. 

My dear old friend, that's gevura. And it shows that you are fully in the game, you are not giving up any time soon. My friend, I owe you so much! I have shared your first post on my thread with so many people. And I'll paste it here
The lack of respect you have for yourself is not particular to being a mechanech. I'm considered (at least I think I am lol) one of the "chashuve" members of my Shul. I take my avodas Hashem very seriously and impart that to my wife and children. I also have serious issues that crop up from time to time (unlike you, I believe I am most definitely addicted) that I am working very hard to overcome. I believe those issues don't define me. Even though this past year was probably my worst year in a long time, I don't have a accurate cheshbon but I probably fell over 50 times. So I had over 300 days that I wasn't doing those things. That's who I am. I am an eved Hashem. I am a good father. I am a good husband. I am koveia ittim to Torah. I come to davening on time and daven from beginning to end without talking and looking at my phone. The list goes on and on. I refuse to not respect myself and define my self based on the minority of my time spent doing deplorable actions.​

My friend, you changed my perspective on myself drastically. And that's the way I see you, only so much more after 215 shining heilige beautiful days!
keep inspiring us, keep sharing with us, and I'll paste your last line now, only now it's me talking you:

would love to shmooze in person if your interested.

Keep trucking!

One of the most important changes that can happen to us is to realize that we don't need to act out! The addictive part of our brains keep telling us that we need to act out and look at this and do that and feel this, otherwise we will be in pain or die or we will give in anyway.... All of these things are a lie obviously.  However, we cant see it as long as we are not clean for a while, in the beginning its extremal hard for some of us becuase we feel the burn day and night and we have no idea if it will ever stop or what will happen to us. Once enough time passes and we didn't give in, the addiction starts to decrease, this is a fact.  
What Gave me the biggest push forward is practicing something called "Diffusion" at its core is basically teacing yourself that you are not your thoughts and feelings and you are not controlled by them, even thought you feel aroused by something or other, you are still able to step back and realize that their is a big part of you that DOES NOT want that, and the aroused part is only one part of your whole makeup, you also have a heart and a soul and big parts of your brain that have tons of reasons not to go ahead. 
Once you can learn how to do that effectively, your thoughts don't have the pull anymore, even if  you see something really arousing or a very exciting thought popped into your head, you can step back and acknowledge that thought and tell yourself the following:
"I See the thought and i feel the pleasure it causing me, I know that I will get lots of pleasure if i keep doing or looking"
"I understand why my brain is used to getting the pleasure and it wants more, its perfectly normal, I appreciate the effort its making.
"On the other hand, I have lots of reasons not to go thru with this, (make a long exhaustive list and to review it frequently) and they are also very valid points that my brain has"
"Now, seeing both options in front of me, I chose to be myself and chose the correct way that works for me, and I am able to do it because I am in charge"

The more I did it, the less of a fight it became since im not fighting anything, Im very calmly talking to both sides of the equation and everyone understands why I chose the good path. Slowly you start to see the desire as an outside force that really doesnt have that much pull over you.

Heeling wrote on 04 Jun 2023 23:57:

Thank you so much Heeling.

I'm going through really hard withdrawal symptoms, and in general I'm having a hard time learning and with getting up at a reasonable time. (Spending a lot of late nights on this addictive new website I discovered, guardyoureyes.com.)

I'm just comforted that this period is building me, and just like it was easier for the first 26 days since I'd done it before, next time it will be easier for the first 41 days, since I've done it before (and hopefully there won't be a next time at all).

einanilimili wrote on 04 Jun 2023 05:32:

I got out of other unhealthy addictive behaviors.  You are welcome to PM or email me.  If you decide to look for a therapist you can call the organization Relief and ask them to recommend a  sex addiction therapist that can deal with sexual fetishes.  

einanilimili wrote on 04 Jun 2023 04:10:

have you tried any therapy? there are many forms of fetishes.  the specifics of each one is generally not so relevant.  A qualified sex addiction therapist should be able to help you understand what is going on and how to stop the unhealthy behavior.

I am still new here and hope this new topic is OK. I find reading these posts informative and motivating, and I look forward to reading them daily. The give and take among the people on here is excellent, and it is helping so many people battle this addiction.

I was hoping that I could start a specific topic about what people are doing physically in fighting this battle. I am talking about what they are doing about their smartphones, computers, the smut they see on the streets, etc...

Are people giving up their smartphones, or are they finding a way to lock them down enough to keep them?

What kind of Dumbphone are you using if you gave up your smartphone?

What brands of filters are people using that are working for them? 

Are people still using the internet, or have they given up using it at all? 

These are just a few examples of questions I feel would be helpful to discuss. I know it would help me!

We need as many weapons as possible to fight and win this war, and hopefully, we can all learn about these tools together. 

Update

drank some

Put up a darn good fight

let’s see how I do over Shabbat…

if there’s one thing I’m not it’s a quitter. 

except for addictions - I definitely would like to quit that


For the record, I took one sip of the second drink, then poured it in the backyard

Rabbi Mordechai Neuman.
Mental Health Resiliency 31 — The Spiritual Canary (Addictions #1).

ytw wrote on 31 May 2023 15:26:

Wow. 
thank you for sharing!

bright wrote on 31 May 2023 20:29:

Hey, thanks!

My original post was posted about 3 years ago. Since then, I've bh broken the addiction by keeping the strict guidelines I've written about.

After going cold Turkey for I believe roughly 2 years, the desire for them has decreased by an incredible amount, so I do allow myself to watch super clean movies occasionally. Very occasionally. I very rarely desire to, and even more seldom have something that's 100% guaranteed clean.

I will watch a very, very, clean TV show though, as long as it isn't too exciting. I literally can shut them in middle of episodes because I'm tired or have something to do, when in the past I would binge wildly every night till the next morning.

Once in the last year or so, I got excited about a clean trilogy and immediately made gedarim so I shouldn't fall into the trap again.

Is it the smartest to still dabble, even though they are clean etc? Maybe not, but at this point I really want it in my life, it helps me unwind in a much healthier way than in the past, and I feel confident enough in these tried and testedprecautions.

I do hope and plan to one day have the strength and courage to completely remove it from my life.

ODAAT.

chancy wrote on 31 May 2023 17:37:

Mazal tov on this great accomplishment and tremendous milestone! 

You have lots to offer to and much to gain from GYE. Looking forward to sharing more of your journey together! 

Hello everyone, 
I will IYH be reaching 1 year clean in a few days BH! And I wanted to share some thoughts and ideas with you guys, hopefully it will help someone.

My Life before GYE- As most people here can relate, until we reached GYE it was a constant struggle, for me personally, since i can remember, i was always sexually active or aroused before i knew what it meant...... of course as i grow into my teens it was horrible and overwhelming me i didnt have a night or day, this was all that mattered, I had no tools or guidance, didn't have a clue what this all means. Got into lots of trouble because of this, messed myself up badly. Getting married didnt help as around that time smartphone came out and I always had the latest, (this was before filters existed). Anyway, i was a mess without any inkling how to get out. 
Finding GYE- Then by Hashems grace i found GYE online and i got hooked, for th first time someone understands me and there are others that struggle like me, there is a way out? I started getting the daily emails it helped a bit, but nothing drastically changed. Falling, depression, getting back  up, anxiety, failing, we all know the circle.
Flight to Freedom- I think the first change happened when i started working thru the F2F program here on GYE, it was the first time i was able to understand what happens in my brain and how addiction work, It was amazing, I felt free! The addictions are not me! I started posting more and more and to connect to the people around here, I felt like I have things to share with others that might help, I hope that it did and it does. Posting helped me as well, because you are able to get rid of a lot of the loneliness and guilt when you know you have others looking out and caring, plus I didnt want to let anyone that was inspired by one of my post, down.

Present- right now my brain is already hardwired that I dont need to Masturbate. Period. Pintle. Thats it. Never. 
Im also hardwired to not think or dream about Porn anymore, for me Porn was always just a numbing agent so that I can masturbate without feeling guilty (for that min), So once I removed the idea that I must M, i didnt want to watch P. 
I Know now that It is possible to become a changed person and start living without addictions. Of course im not done as ill explain, but the concept is already crystal clear to me.

Struggles-
One issue- that arose once i stopped watching P is that things that would never arouse me in the past, arouse me now. For example, average looking guys or women that I wouldn't give a second thought, now are a problem.  A funny thing was that when i was watching, usually if i didnt rush to get it over with but rather was able to wait a minute or two, I actually calmed down! I got turned off somewhat..... Because the things on the screen were never a match to the fantasies in my head. Im not saying this as a heter to watch CV, but for me its true. I was much less under the spell because I saw the truth. I tested this theory a few times and its 100% true with me. But there is no way i think that its allowed.

The reason is simple enough, since the brain needs the dopamine and the other drugs and chemicals that make it feel good and im not giving it anything on the screen, it tries to find it in the real world even when it demonstrably false! It still needs the fix! 
Reason 2 is i suffer from anxiety and this is now another anxiety i have "Maybe ill be attracted to that person and it will lead me to fall or to have a bad thought" and my sane part says " What? no way! That object is not even attractive!" But the more i fight it, the more it comes back and eventually my brain wants that fix and gets it somewhat by imagining something that gets me semi excited. 

Another issue- Since my anxious brain used sex and a pacifier, you remove the pacifier what happens? The baby starts to scream..... and thats exactly what happened. My brain got terrible my emotions were out of whack and i felt worse then i did in a long time, which led  me to be upset with Hashem, I was sure that the better I behaved the better my life will be, and it didn't look any better but much worse! So whats going on? I was so angry at Hashem for not listening to me after all im asking because I want to  be a better yid and im only struggling because I want to be erlich,

I ended up going back to therapy where were working on letting go of control in any shape or form.  I cant use prayer as a control either, I can ask Hashem for help but im not in control, He has grander plans than I can imagine. This should also help with my fear of maybe seeing something improper, its not in my control what i see, I know that I don't have to think about it any further and nothing will happen.

Future- I am working on the following things
1. Letting go of control Hashem is fully in control of everything, He allows us to think we are so as to make us grow. I can ask for things but I need to understand that He knows better and  best what good for me, and that He loves me unconditionally. 
2. I want to work thru the GYE+ stuff, they have some very good things there that would elp everyone here.
3. I would like to connect face to face with some of the members here, i think its time to put faces to names. 
4. Post on this diary every few days to keep everyone and myself up to date......
5. I want to explain exactly what specific things worked and work for me. 

Thank you Hashem for giving us GYE!

Hi, I don't write much here, but I follow your story here for a while already, and I must say that I really look up to you how you keep pushing and pushing without giving in, yes the way is not always smooth, but nevertheless you keep up pushing and striving ahead and forward, so I can encourage you to just keep on going, keep on pushing, and may we all reach great heights together.

I just came across an amazing lecture that I think every addict can benefit from, take a look in my signature and take the time to listen to it, I think you'll like it.

keep up your amazing work, it's not easy but it's great.