ccb45 wrote on 14 Jun 2023 16:41:

So cry, my friend! It can only do you good. And even though we can't see or hear you, know that we are crying along with you, as is Hashem.

You've accomplished the first step of accepting and seriously addressing your bad habits/addiction. That's massive! But you must go slow, slower than you think. Don't be concerned about your current actions - at the moment you seem to be an oneis. Instead, discover and explore more about addictions, of which this website has plenty of interesting information on. Learn how to combat these things, what works and what doesn't, how to respond and how to avoid.
Then perhaps you'll bring yourself to a situation where you're not always an oines.

We're all with you the whole way!
Good luck and keep us posted!

I appreciate you’re reaching out but I have a top psychiatrist and also top therapist (he help me slot!). Problem is, I need to get off a controlled substance medication (klonopin; Valium family) but it’s hellish to get off and it’s an extreme slowww process. So psychologically I’m not doing that bad but the withdrawals and tapering have extreme emotional suffering. I know it’s hard for ordinary people to understand, but that’s what Hashem wants me to go through now and I accept bsimcha. However, since I’m home bound (and many hours bed bound), I cannot take on a job, which is a major boost for fighting acting out and don’t have much structure. I’m trying my best with meds and therapy and I made a vow to always put on teffilin no matter how I feel and most of the time, have iyun Shiur at night for 1.5 hours. I also do intense Hilchos Shabbos program (fighting for my life doing this; hoping to take Smicha test!), I started short time elliptical exercise while listening to tefillah halacha Shiur.

So since I’m a Baal nefesh, and am serious, it bothers me even more why I don’t have the will power to fight p and m. I’m older (don’t want to say age because in case someone might know me), and I’m ashamed real bad. I want to stop: I don’t allow any p sites but the app I use, allows some addiction acting out. When I asked to not allow, I went crazy with lust and since for many reasons it’s hard for me to m without p, it’s a rough challenge. I’ll ask to forbid but my hormones are raging, while having too much time!

So in conclusion, if I didn’t give a damn about living and somewhat fighting to stay a Baal nefesh in some context, I’d be busy answering for myself; but it’s the opposite and my suffering puts the challenge on steroids.

my therapist told me I am lonely, and it’s true but not much can be done. He asked me to refrain from using after 9PM, and read interesting subjects, but I’m addicted to movies and then I go to app for pleasure. I’m distraught that I spend hours last night trying to view every p star on the app and barely slept. It’s a serious situation!

I can be helped but need additional guidance. Anything in gye, that can assist! Maybe vids that show me the downside of p and how fake it is? Not sure. It’s difficult for some reason to navigate and find resources!

please, please help, Tayere yidden; my lovely brothers!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 13 Jun 2023 19:53:

If I may add, if we carefully think about our day, we may be fantasizing about so the women around us, even if we don't look at any porn. This too will do us in.

Bigmoish wrote on 30 Jul 2014 17:48:

Thank you for your post. I have zoomed in on a very important observation (quoted above) you have correctly made that I'm now going to paraphrase: Fantasy is the root cause of all masturbation. If you do not fantasize (and you carefully guard your eyes), you will not masturbate. Period.
You beautifully write that despite not looking at inappropriate online content, you still are are struggling with masturbation. This is an extremely common situation (one that I found myself in when I first got onto this site), and one that I attribute in large part to too little attention being given to the fact that fantasy is the central driving factor behind all sexual immorality, acting out, and intense battles with the yetzer hara. This website is called Guard Your Eyes, but really it should be called Guard Your Eyes and Your Mind, because many of us unfortunately have plenty we can think about without looking at anything at all. That's the problem. To continue distancing yourself from masturbation, it is critical that you remember that fantasy is the absolute root cause of all of your misery. Learn to gently allow yourself to move around thoughts of fantasy and on with your day (easier said than done, but is possible), and you will be a free man. Neurotic attempts to control every thought you have with an iron fist will almost certainly backfire. We need to be gentle with ourselves, understand how our minds work, and learn to sidestep unhealthy thought processes (i.e., fantasy) that consistently bring us to extreme frustration, nisyonos, and possibly much, much worse. May Hashem help us all.
Hatzlocha!

cordnoy wrote on 13 Jun 2023 15:24:

Will we ever know exact statistics? dunno,
However I can say that I am certain that in my class in school at least 12+ boys out of 25 struggled with their zippers at the time.
Maybe my class was a rare exception? Maybe
Because they struggled at the age of 10-13 it does it necessarily tell that they still struggle? Maybe

Thanks cord

cordnoy wrote on 13 Jun 2023 15:24:

And just for further clarity: This post is only referrin' to non-addicts (unlike myself, who is in the addicted category).

cordnoy wrote on 05 Jun 2023 12:23:

I have been asked several times to explain this and perhaps elaborate (and this, by no means, means that my opinion is correct; it is nothin' more than my opinion): Let's take lashon hara for example. This is what almost everyone would agree as a "normal" struggle, universally shared. What is the approach? Learn Shmiras Halashon 5/10 minutes a day, dedicate one hour of extra-zehirus towards this, occasional soap-in-the-mouth and avoidin' large groups at a tavern. What happens for someone who joins this program? He does it for 2 weeks/5 weeks/ 3 months or more, but many, sadly, remain lashon hara talkers for the duration of their life - some more, some less. I am not sayin' not to follow that mehalech, for it is what we should be doin'; what I am sayin' is that it remains a 'battle of the generation.'

Now, let us take this parable a step further (again, for some): Let us say that this baal lashon hara is a tremendous ka'asan, and when he begins to talk about someone else in a derogatory manner, his voice rises, he swears, he degrades him and his family and his Rabbi, he cannot control his emotions - his wife slinks to the corner of the room, his kids don't stay near him durin' lainin' or the kiddush, he's not pleasant to be around. He is different than your normal shmoozer. What approach do we suggest for this fellow? Learn Shmiras Halashon 15 minutes a day? I don't think so. If he is treated as 'normal,' he will not get the help he so deserves.

So now, I ask you (fellow Rabbanim, Roshei Kollel, Menahalim, etc.): Are there many of your congregants with a porn addiction? In the world, yes. But of the 100 in the room, how many have issues with their zipper? 3, 5, 8? If you consider them/us 'normal,' I think there will be a disservice in the help we are providin'.

Godspeed

I am petrified of getting to triple digits only to end up back at ground zero (though of course it really isn't, and I am not sure it is even keday to officially break the count if it will diminish resolve; it's just one slip, move on- I think that's what I would tell myself, don't get so hooked on the heilege streak).

To add to what the others have said, the highs are nice but they are mainly inspiration for when the going gets tough; they are not at all indefinite. To the contrary, the real work happens when we have our feet on the ground וראשנו מגיע השמימה... Getting addicted to highs is not limited to drugs or porn; it can be spiritual highs, as well. We cannot build on clouds, only on firm ground (hence my resistance to romanticizing here). I am into this topic and would be glad to discuss it further.

yud909 wrote on 13 Jun 2023 11:11:

See Dov's recent post. He discusses something he has said many times (maybe regarding an addict, but can apply).

The teshuvah high can be part of the cycle of falling. We need highs. When we aren't getting it from acting out, we can get it from out amazing teshuvah and reconnection to Hashem. Then it gets boring, we seek another high, and fall again...

Maybe it's better to lay the foundation of your new growth without that burst of exciting reconnection. It can be more real and won't be built upon something that can/will pass.

Food for thought.

HolyYoely wrote on 12 Jun 2023 15:17:


Welcome, 
Would advise you to reach out to Dov - wequithiding@gmail.com 
Keep on posting and sharing

Incredible!!!
I remember being so addicted to watching movie's and tv shows that i never thought ill  be able to fully quit.... Its been 2-3 years and i already forget what the fuss was all about........ Our mind is incredibly flexible to bend to our will!

Hi all fellow strugglers and ex strugglers, 
I'm a first time poster although long time member of GYE. 

I'm married and happy enough... Really try and work on my shmiras einayim and often for long periods of time I'm successful 

A while ago I was working away from home in a different city and my marriage wasn't so great at the time and I started seeing zoinis. I used to be in such a turmoil about it and would mamish feel ill driving to meet up with one... But I was nichshol so many times and I would hate myself and feel terrible for ages afterwards 

But then guess what, a while later I was back at it... 

BH after a few years I got a new job working nearer to home and I hoped that this was the end. Oh no... The YH had other ideas... I kept going with it...

Bkitzur I'm still struggling with this addiction. It's something that (in the clear light of day) makes me feel sickened and hate what I've done... 

But when the lust descends I am almost like a different person. I won't listen to reason... 

I have made a promise to myself last time that I would watch a vayimoein video before I did anything that day... 

Sometimes it works but other times (like today) it didn't.... 

Tachlis I want to kick this behaviour out of my life along with all the other BS like porn and cams but.... 

I'm hoping that being an active member here will help me to be more aware of when my YH is about to take over because it really does feel like I have a split personality. 

What I'm also so sad about is that unfortunately I've done it so many times that its almost like 'naaseh lo kheter' 

I don't even feel ill going anymore. Just guilty afterwards. 

I need to stop this before it destroys my marriage, my job and my Parnossa and of course how can I have any kind of relationship with Hashem when we know how much he hates this kind of behaviour... 

Feeling like any support would be appreciated 

Anyone who can give me help - please comment below. 

Thank you

I was thinkin'....

He's takin' his Rabbi's advice and that is perfect by me, as I've said, he should speak to and follow those who know him best.

I had mentioned that my personal feelin's were that somethin' like this should be disclosed, but after some thought, and after readin' some stuff someplace, I began to think that the distinction I was makin' in my mind was a product of my addiction.

Explanation: Those of us with heterosexual addictions, we think that after 30 days of bein' clean, or 90 days, or a year, we can get married and no disclosure is necessary. Really? We are very likely to make our wives miserable, like I did, even if we don't end up actin' on our addictions or desires or cravin's. Is that fair to her? Shouldn't she know beforehand what she's gettin' herself into, and of course, all of the stuff we may do outside of marriage and perhaps even bring diseases into the house.

Then, there can be a fellow who has homosexual tendencies. He has never acted out with another, but those are his feelin's. We jump on him that he should disclose, for the intimacy will be hell for his wife. Really? Dov's wife used to say: You guys make sex into much more than it really is. Here can be a guy who's life is somewhat under control; scantily-clad women don't excite him, newest style shaitels and clothin' worn by all the other wives don't turn him on. Will there be fireworks in the bedroom? probably not. Will his wife be comforted, hugged, loved? Good chance. Will he bother her incessantly about how to dress or undress? Nope. Will the sex be good for her? Very possibly.

Again, I don't know the answer (to the question that this particular fellow never even asked here), but it got me thinkin', and for that I say: Godbless!

Trying99 wrote on 09 Jun 2023 03:26:

Hey I can feel your energy too!
I like it!!

Just please don’t go and let it out on porn, cos that would be downright stupid. 
Now guy please don’t argue with me and say he should go get some porn  - THIS is not up for debate :-) adios

Thanks guys for the reminder who we all are.

Addict or not, we are not laid back lazy GFN’s that don’t have a clue how to find porn on a triple filtered device. 

We don’t have that chilled mentality!!

We get excited when we see a woman. 
Some get excited when we see a man. 
We get excited when someone gives opinions that don’t jive with our hive. 
It’s part of our fabric. 

It’s healthy to debate. It even got an old member to post for the 1st time!

I only ask that it’s done with a lower flame.
Keep the passion trucking!