So, 38 to the P and 38 to the M.

Wrong group, I know.

There is a bit of pressure to write somethin' profound (or, at least, it should make sense) for post # 10,000, especially after my dear friends Mark and Gevura threw down the gauntlet.

Truth be told, 10,000, like 90 or 38, is simply a number. Does it really represent somethin' epic? It means that I waste quite a bit of time, almost ten posts per day. Yes, perhaps there are several that helped myself and perhaps there are even a few where others were helped, but the bulk of them I'm sure were just some joke or wisecrack. There were even those that were hurtful as well. It just means that I have been here for a considerable amount of time and I have not yet gotten frustrated enough to leave for good (more on that later).

​But let us circle back to the beginnin' of this post, and contrary to most of my posts, this one will be lengthy: the Mincha thread, one that I am proud of. Why? Because it made a difference in my day and seemingly in others as well. I am an expert in selfishness. I have been doin' things for myself for decades. Always: what makes me happy. That's how I work. So the thread worked for me. Icin' on the cake was that it worked for others as well.

Recovery was different though. And perhaps it is worthy to repeat here the steps I took. You know that I don't spend much time thinkin' about addict vs. non-addict. I don't spend much time thinkin' about anythin' at all. It wasn't always like that. I came to this site by accident, of sorts. Yes, there were several decades of filth and smut in my days, but I always stopped, at least for a week or two, or more. Recovery and lack thereof did not consume my life. I was fine with the pattern. Of course, yamim noraim (mostly), I'd cry and beg and resolve to sin no longer. Some years I even threw in the towel and made a deal with God that I'll do lots of good in other areas and let's just hide this issue in the closet. 

But eventually, there was a rock bottom of sorts. That, together with a push, encouragement, threat of exposure from a woman friend of the family (whom I must have been tryin' to seduce) put me on a course of action. And that action wasn't a snap of the fingers. And it wasn't without heartache and pain. I went 90 days sober (so to speak). I engaged a long distance therapist, a professional who is recommended by GYE. I joined SA in a city an hour away from me. I was there for about eight months. I went to a local therapist/specialist on and off for about two years. I got two sponsors, one Jewish, one not. I joined calls and eventually led calls. I have been workin' the steps in some way or another for several years. I read the big book, white book, action book and 12&12. I am on my sixth cycle. And I post as well, every once in a while. 

Talkin' to live people really does wonders. Posts are different when I know the poster and they know me. It makes it more real. (This is an important point to know for anyone who spends time on the forum.) 

GYE gave me the opportunity to personally meet many fine fellows. I will list them, for I thank each and every one of them for their friendship, advice, suggestions, criticisms, etc. 
Pidaini
Lizhensk
Big moish
Gibbor (need more)
Skeptical (although we need a better meet)
DD
Unanumun
Laasos
Still going
Zemmy
Jake
Innastruggle
Lavi
Pischoshelmachat
Fresh start
RGT
Kilochalu
Misgaber
SB

I was within a hundred feet from:
Gevura
Guard
Shlomo

I have had private and personal conversation with:
Grow strong
TZ
Dov
Real simcha
Godhelp
OTR
tzomah
ShmielZ
Shteiger
Yesod
shemirashabris
Dms123456789
Yesod
Workin'guy
Laughin'man
Serenity
MoB
MarkZ
Yidtryin'harder
Chullent kin'
Trouble
Belmont
mesayin (I think)
ShmuliK
Boropark yid
Israel61320
Watson
Mggmbs
YosefTH
Appearance

I have been in touch with:
Yiraishamaim
Maayan
NIC
Aryeh
Hashivalisassonyishechaimisgabecha
Shivisi
PeloniAlmoni
DuvidChaim
Eli
Lifnei
Lomed
Shtiebel
SIB14628
Joe
Singularity
NewActin'
MendelZ
Shmeichel
MBJ

Now, what I just did is fairly dangerous (and I really need to look this over again, for it was done at several sittin's), because I probably left out a bunch of fellows, and I do apologize, but I wrote this list for two reasons: 1. I wanted to display and demonstrate the power of GYE; it creates lastin' friendships, friend who deeply care about one another. Four years ago, I knew none of these fellows and now we are best of friends. 2. Perhaps a couple of them I have helped on their journey, but one thing is certain - each and every one of them helped me on mine. I learned humility from one, commitment from another. Mussar, calmness, faith, prayer, carin', devotion, thoughtfulness, diligence, humor, assertiveness, resolve, confidence and more - are just some of the things that I try to apply in my daily life, and for that, they need to be mentioned. If I left you out, you know it was just an oversight and I sincerely apologize (and i will include in the edit- I am gettin' rushed to hit submit), but I truly thank you for helpin' out a punk like me.

And I must confess that when a fellow emails, calls, texts, WhatsApps, skypes, bumps into me and says, "Cords, you really saved my life, you truly helped me today, this past year would have been impossible without you, I didn't get that massage because of your text" yes, it feels good, and my ego makes it feel even better, but it's you guys who deserve the credit. You, who set me straight to begin with, you, who showed me my flaws, you, who convinced me of my egotistical, self-centeredness, you, who paved the way for me, and you as well who gave me the opportunity to give back, to keep me honest, to constantly share life's struggles and mine in particular, so thank you.

So, in conclusion:

There might be ten thousand reasons to let you all go
There might be ten thousand reasons to just quit the show
About ten thousand reasons

If I had a highway, I would stay in my truck
If the coffee wasn't bitter, we'd be all out of luck
But you're givin' me ten thousand reasons
Givin' me ten thousand reasons

I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all this worn out leather
I've got ten thousand reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Posters stuck in a cycle, they look off and stare
It's like they've stopped breathin', but completely aware
'Cause you're givin' me ten thousand reasons
Givin' me ten thousand reasons

And if by mistake I say something that iI might even mean
It's hard to even fathom which parts you should believe
'Cause you're givin' me ten thousand reasons
Givin' me ten thousand reasons

Baby I'm bleedin', bleedin'
Can't you give me what I'm needin', needin'
Every heartbreak and fall and sickness makes it hard to keep the faith
But baby, I just need one good one
Good one, good one, good one

Baby, I just need one good one to stay, to stay, to stay.

And that good one is you.
Yes, you.

'Holding our breath' is a totally different experience than recovery offers. This story illustrates what 'holding breath' is:

The Steipler zt"l was once on guard duty in the Russian or Polish army on Shabbos - and his coat was in a tree, so it would be assur for him to take it down and use it! He decided to stay in place the entire shift without his coat. But it was terribly cold and driving him nuts. How could he stay put?!

He told himself that he could withstand the cold for just a minute (or hour?)...and he did! When that minute was over, he told himself that he just proved that he can tolerate the bitter cold for just a minute. So here before him is: a minute! He then waited a(nother) minute. When it was over, he thought: here before me is another one of those minute-thingies. I can definitely hang on just a minute! So he held on, and tolerated the cold for just a minute.

Etc, etc, and the entire night passed! Amazing. Beautiful.

AND THAT IS NOT AT ALL WHAT 'ONE DAY AT A TIME', MEANS! For what the Steipler did was a gimmick. A mind game. And it worked for him, for one night or day...it may work for more than one day - it may even work for a lifetime, who knows? And if I could stay sober that way for a lifetime, I would probably not take it. It would be gehinnom, would keep me good-and-miserable/crazy, and would generally...suck. I would surely eventually run to lust again just to get out of such a stupid (but kosher!) life. Yup.

But: the Steipler could not have actually held his breath all night using this gimmick. Correct? After a few minutes (about 2-3), a human knows he must breathe, period. So what would you do if someone told you he would give you a million (yep, a million!) bucks if you held your breath for two hours? Would you breath deeply and go give it a try? Silly, of course not. Why suffer for no reason and nothing in the end, anyway?

People who are not sincerely giving up lust for today are just sitting ducks. They are just holding their breath and 'holding back' one day at a time. It does not work. Eventually they will have to breathe. And Hashem knows this. It is a twisting of the meaning of 'one day at a time'.

I know they will say 'vatishlach es amosoh - she sent forth her arm' and all the sweet, encouraging droshos on that. But for an addict, it just does not work here! And in the meantime, the marriage and family are brutalized. Yuch.

[A nasty little digression :pinch:
When B'nei Yisroel (on Rosh chodesh Nissan) went to take the korban Pesach (in four more days!) Hashem writes: "[i]And Bn"Y went and did as Moshe commanded them." Rashi brings that they went with the intention, knowing that come the 10th of Nissan, they'd take the goat/lamb, and come the 14th, they'd shecht it, etc. In their hearts, it was a done deal. So from right then, Hashem says He considers it that they already did it all!.

Sadly, the converse is also true. We all know in our hearts that we cannot hold our breath forever. So, as inspired as we may be to hold our breath and resist getting that sweet orgasm/fantasy/porn joy we need...we are full-aware that we are eventually gonna pop. We have not given it up at all, see it as an eventual necessity, and a masculine right. The only guarantee, then, is that we will need to act out when the maximum tolerance of # days clean is reached. So it is almost as though they are already masturbating, in some respect. By the Korban pesach it means they are given over to G-d and committed to doing His Will - and by lust, it means they are given over to lust and committed to doing nothing real about stopping. So what's the use? May Hashem save me from making this mistake and being in that category, one day at a time.

I believe this is true for most ppl who take lots of half-measures and just 'fight it' (but see the exception below).

Therefore, only giving it up in our hearts one day at a time is useful and bears fruit, and that is the 12 step program way - not resisting 'one day at a time'. Get it?

There is one exception to this idea, and it is an important qualification: There are surely some who do the TapHsiC, or 90-day wall thingy, or counting the days, etc...holding their breath all the way - and it works! Because they did experience abstinence from their prize, after all, and did not die. Amazingly, their penises did not fall off. And abstinence sometimes makes it clear to the person that he does not, in fact, really need it at all!

Surprise!

But I doubt that such things will work for most people in the long run - and certainly not for addicts. For when the day comes that they desire it again as strong as ever, they will be 100% convinced again that they can't live without it, period. Back to square one. But surrender one day at a time really does work for alcoholics and others, all over the world.
End of the nasty little digression. ]

Where were we?