Since you claimed OCD and other issues, I felt may be beneficial to see this post from 2009 - Please let me know if it helps you at all
Hi eye. I have read your posts and see you are a great warrior. Before I begin, I need to introduce myself. My name is Yaakov. I used to be an addict, but B”H, I have been healed from the addicti
on. I was addicted for close to 20 years and for 15 years I attempted to break this terrible addicti
on but I never had the strength nor courage to do so until I came to this w
onderful site and was able to get my addicti
on out in the open and realize that I am normal. B"H, it is now 10 m
onths of absolute freedom.
I know I will get criticized, so I will take a deep breath. Thank G-d for me, that Guard likes me. This is not meant to be chutzpah, but I am really l’shem shamayim about this. But I really feel str
ongly about what I am about to write. I have thought about this topic for a very l
ong time now, and I still do not have complete clarity
on how to c
onvey it.
Now, I would like to address your issue. I wish I would be able to clarify this issue you brought to the forefr
ont, but unfortunately, I have to agree with your wife
on this
one. Most c
ontroversial issues
on this site I remain silent, but this
one I am very passi
onate about and I feel very str
ongly that this particular attitude is not
only a cop-out and dangerous (which I wholeheartedly agree with and will discuss so
on) but is immature. A true man is
one who can admit his mistakes and ask forgiveness. This is not a sign of weakness but rather strength. We live in a generati
on where we wish not take any blame for ourselves. We always blame ALL of our problems
on the next pers
on or “our disease”. I believe this attitude is
one of the biggest hindrances to any self growth and it holds us back not
only of our addicti
on but all of our character flaws. And if I may add, I have seen fellow addicts stumble over and over again because this attitude permeates in their subc
onscious. They are simply not ready to take resp
onsibility for their acti
ons. In my own pers
onal life, I played the "blame game" for so many years. When I was young, it was brother's fault. Then it was my friend's fault. Then it was my teacher's fault. Then it was the SAT's fault. Then in was chemistry's fault. Then it was english comp's fault. And then it was pschocology's fault. Then it was boss's fault. Then it was wife's fault. Then it was my ADHD's fault. Then it was therapists fault. And finally I was running out of people to blame it
on. Then it was "I was born that way". But as I matured, I realized where the resp
onsibility rests and I have the keys to change.
First allow me to address the sources
on bechira and then we will revisit the issue of “taking the edge off guilt”.
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Regarding the sources, I do not want to elaborate too much, but I would like to encourage you to read Rambam’s “hilchos teshuva”, chapter 5, where he address all the basic ideas about bechira. For a more philosophical discussi
on , see chovos halevovos, shaar avodas elokim, perek 8. The material is too lengthy to repeat here, but if you are sincere in your quest, you will look up the sources. In my weak-minded understanding, after reading the Rambam, there is little room for the above belief that you quoted. But he makes it clear that our mitzvos and averiros are a result of our bechira (NO distincti
on between past and present, it does not even make sense). He explains that this is
one of the tenets of Jewish faith, and
only a pers
on who believes in this can be lead to teshuvah. There could be other opini
ons, but I pers
onally could not find any that make the asserti
on you quoted. (And yes, I read the FAQ. In fact I
once corresp
onded with Guard in this issue. The first FAQ, does not quote sources. The sec
ond
one is a totally different issue; that is the issue using Hashem to fight the yetzer hara. And yes, the 12 steps idea of bringing Hashem into battle is a Jewish
one. Though, the Jewish emphasis is slightly different, not for now. The famous questi
on how that fits in with bechira is addressed by many.) Again, if I am misunderstanding the Rambam or if there are other mainstream opini
ons out there, forgive my ignorance.
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Now I will explain why this is detrimental. Unless we really believe we are in c
ontrol of our acti
ons, it will be very hard to break our addicti
on. Our addicti
on, by definiti
on, is lack of c
ontrol. The more we believe we are not in c
ontrol, and cannot be in c
ontrol, we are feeding our addicti
on more. (As an aside, when you do research
on people who failed 12 steps, it is because this point. See Recovery Nati
on for a very clear explanati
on of this phenomen
on. The purpose of declaring powerlessness is two fold. But not for now.)
In my pers
onal journey, it was at the moment that I realized it was my fault, and more importantly, ADMITTED to myself that I am in c
ontrol of decisi
ons, I am at fault, I am to blame, and it is MY resp
onsibility and I WANT to change, was I able to change. [It has been over ten m
onths without nisy
onos, B"H.] You would be surprised to realize that most people do not really believe in free choice. I am not talking about what people have been trained to say they believe. But what they believe in their hearts is another thing. Internally, we are scared to admit it, because the blame falls
on us and then we have to change.
Children c
onstantly say “It was not my fault”. But a grown man says, “I made a mistake, can you please forgive me.” And I truly great man takes resp
onsibility of all his acti
ons even the
ones that were not really his fault. [This does not imply that you can beat the addicti
on all al
one with just will power, but rather it will be your driving force to recovery. More about this later]
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So where does this leave us? What could we do to take the edge of the guilt? The first thing to realize is to have proper perspective
on guilt/shame/regret (whatever word you like). Guilt/shame (d
on't get caught up in semantics) is
only healthy if it leads to change. However, it can also lead to depressi
on.
See this article from Rabbi Twereki. He wrote another
one about the difference between guilt and depressi
on which I cannot seem to locate.
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The problem is most people cannot handle guilt as it often leads to depressi
on, as we look at ourselves as failures. So this lead us to the sec
ond principle to do take the edge off the guilt. We just d
on’t think about it. Even for me, it can be too overwhelming when I think about the terrible things I did. The shame is too str
ong. So what the baalei mussar tell us is to just not think about the past. It is usually not productive. We can’t live in the the past. This is perhaps the yesod that Guard meant to quote. But this is not because we are not resp
onsible for it, but just because it is not productive to think about it. It is like a pers
on who got himself into terrible debt. His main focus is to c
ontinue living a happy life while at the same time try to figure out how to pay back his loans. He cannot dwell
on the mistakes he made that lead him to this situati
on. Nor can he dwell
on the fact that he has t
ons of debts
on his shoulders. He needs to focus
on paying back. But that does not mean he is not at fault.
I know a pers
on who, due to his terrible addicti
on for wealth, got himself into major mess, where he ended up stealing from the people who are closest to him. The pers
on’s life is obviously a disaster. But he cannot focus
on all the bad things he did because he will get no where. Right now he is focusing
on building a somewhat kosher normal life for himself.
Only after he rebuilds himself can he go back to his past as he realizes what damage he did and try his best to make amends. And the same it is for us p**n addicts. Our primary focus is what we can do now to make it better.
On Yom Kippur, we will dwell
on our past mistakes. And for those that can handle it after maintaining sobriety. But now, we will dwell
on our future potential.
There is a great sefer called “Vehaer Eneinu”, about shemiras Eynayim. I read this every morning. It is a magnificent sefer, with t
ons of chizuk, advice and attitudes. In the back of the sefer, he includes a part of another sefer of his about simcha. Chapter 3 is devoted to this yesod. The idea of not allowing our aveiros wear us down. Also, read all of my dear friend bardichev’s posts, who always make menti
on of this yesod
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The third principle to realize to take the edge off the guilt is regarding addicti
ons in general. We can debate from today till tomorrow how each
one of us got ourselves into this mess in the first place. Was it our fault or was it not our fault. It makes no difference.
One thing is clear; an addict’s level of bechira is very low. What this means is that his pull for sin is great, and he does not know how to use his bechira faculties. This puts him at “low fault”. A great read
on this is Rav Dessler’s kuntras habechira, vol I, page 111. I discussed
on my succa thread some sources that make it clear
once a pers
on is an addict, his bechira is down, way down. He may not even be punished for the later sins. And for most people, it means, they d
on’t know how to maintain self c
ontrol. This is where therapy/12 steps and the like fit in. We learn how to regain our self c
ontrol. Because, as an addict, we simply do not know how to do it. And I think this something we all
on the forum can relate to. Yes, we had bechira. But the odds were against us, and we simply were not trained
on how to use it. This should not open the doors for c
ontinued addicti
on, but it eases the pain a bit and it is very true.
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There are some other principles to understand but I want to move
on to a very powerful principle. This is the fourth principle to take the “edge off the guilt”. We must realize that as much as we made a mistakes in our lives, we can fix the mistakes of our lives. Making mistakes is part of life. We are human. But as l
ong as you do not fix your mistakes, you are a failure. But if you fix your mistakes, you are a hero. G-d has given us a great gift called teshuvah where we are able to undo our mistakes and lift ourselves higher than we were before the aveira. It makes no sense. And that is why G-d had to make a new “creati
on” just for baalei teshuavah. As l
ong we were able to lift ourselves up, as you and all the other great warriors
on this forum do, we become heros. The seforim tell us that G-d gives these challenges to the special people, and by overcoming lust we are actually raising the world. A great read
on this is in Arvei Nachal parshas Ki Seitse. Understanding the greatness of teshuvah can be so liberating and uplifting. People who do not take the time to remind themselves how great they are for having accomplished true teshuvah, may risk remaining morbid. It is ok to proud of yourself
once in a while.
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Final Remarks: As much as we recognize we made mistakes, we need to forgive as well. This means a wife needs to forgive her husband (after seeing that he is sincere and is recovered) and more importantly, the recovered addict needs to forgive himself. This closes the last wounds. As stated above, we are human, and as humans we make mistakes. However, when we admit our mistakes, commit to never do it again, and effect the change, we are deserving of forgiveness. This forgiveness gives us closure. We are ready to move
on in life. A lot goes into forgiveness. But not for now. This is a very healthy approach.
I hope you benefited from this.
With immense love to another sincere Yid,
Yaakov
Warning: Spoiler!