My dear Friend, Reb Chaim, Rosh Yeshivaseinu, granted, the clicker thing might not be for you, but the idea behind it is for everyone! The idea is to focus and realize how special each win is. And you gave yourself a 90! I mean, for heaven's sake, can you give my friend a break and give him some respect?! And I love what Grant said, what are you trying to become, an angel? The condition you are describing, has its medical definition in the term 'Living'. My friend, you are ALIVE so you feel. Now, take my kick in the pants and keep on trucking!

You ARE living real. It's been a pleasure speaking to such an open and truthful person. And it's special to feel how living can be more real...



Keep on trucking, my real friend. Genuine steps, genuine life....



מי האיש החפץ חיים אוהב ימים לראות טוב....



With warm admiration and encouragement,



Chaim

Chooseurname wrote on 20 Oct 2023 17:56:

I don’t know how much value there is in a phantom partner. Try a live one that you know. It works for me and can do for you too. 

Tell me, are you beyond hope if you slip up and see inappropriate stuff on your device?

I hope your answer is no. Well then in that case, a friend as a partner is a worthwhile investment 

Keep on Trucking!!

freedom11 wrote on 31 Oct 2023 19:46:

One of the most therapeutic and helpful parts of this place is the sharing of things  that were never shared before.
You'll find that while now we may all be strangers to you - some of us here developed very strong friendships with others here - and that was a crucial  part of recovery for a great many of us.
Keep on posting , Keep on reading AND KEEP ON TRUCKING!

I want to scream. I want to punch the wall. Anything but turn to porn. Theres 9 billion ways to fall, and only one to stay clean. Who am i? Who do i want to be? Why am i even on this site? What do i want in life? These questions all involve the same thing, no porn. Blah. Just keep on trucking i guess.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 10 Nov 2023 01:55:

There are 2 things that need to change inside your brain. 
1. YOu need to separate yourself from your desires. You are not a Pornholic or Masturbator. You are a holy YID with a holy Neshama! 
You have so much to offer, you have so many interests, so many ideas! You are a small world! Yes, you also  have a sex drive thats been a little perverted and used in instacnes where it wasnt meant to be used, BUT. THATS. NOT. YOU!!!  Practice diffusion. Look it up on the F2F Program. 
2. Once you are able to grasp this, your brain will rewire to a great extent, and  you will be able to focus more on things that you actually want in life or hobbies that are healthy and good for you and those around you. 
The feeling of panic that i MUST look at porn or i MUST masturbate is nothing but an easily refutable lie, its just your brain doing what it was used to be doing, and not knowing how to do anything different. give it time and it will get better and easier. Trust me! The less you give in now, the less you will need to fight next time, every time you give in you are making it more difficult because you are getting your brain more and more hooked. 

For the first time in your life, allow yourself to feel free, you are not bound to anything, you dont need to do what your mind is telling you to, be free to enjoy the here and now.

Have a Zise Lechtiga shabbos everyone!!

It's almost a year since I started posting here. A year of learning from so many wonderful friends. I want to share a thought with you, my dear friends. I told this to a friend here yesterday. The YH is called "שאור שבעיסה". Why? Because sourdough takes a small clump of clay, a sticky mixture of water and flour, and it blows up to way past it's real size. Mostly using air. The YH does the same. He takes something that exists, something that we need, end he blows it, he fills it with air, he makes it look so much more important than it really is. We were created with a sex drive for a very specific reason, and yes, it's a naturally strong desire. But the YH, using the world out there as his lackeys, has created such an overblown picture, totally out of proportion, with so much air and nothingness in there. And I have been thinking about this recently, as Hashem has helped and due to good reasons my wife is off limits for a little while, and we still have some time to go, and I was so surprised that it was not bothering me! I really didn't feel anxious, denied, hungry. And so I thank you, my dear friends, and I tell those who came recently, you will see, those fantastic desires, those irresistible urges, they are the YH's concoction, and you will, beH, with work, succeed in putting a pin into his balloon, and you'll feel free
Now, if you've noticed, I used the past tense in the last few sentences. And I feel I should make an admission here. I gotta say, it's hard. In some ways harder than my first post. Because now I have a reputation here, too. What will my friends think of me? What will those who I have encouraged think, are you the guy to help me when you do things wrong yourself? But hey, here goes. I BH didn't look at the worst things out there, but was definitely מגרה ביצרי. I looked at things I know I shouldn't have, when I noticed that for some funny reason my filter let instagram through. And I see the air filling up the balloon. It's crazy how the media out there can make your YH grow.  BH, I got the filter to block it. And I klapped al cheit. And I hope to never ever do that again. But I learned that if you let the YH, he knows how to make that dough rise quickly. If we stay away, the air will slowly dissipate. And know, that what you feel is the balloon, it's not your natural desire and drive
I hope my dear friends don't feel I let them down. And if I did, please accept my repentance, and together, let's keep on trucking!

R’ Eerie,

I wish you were next to me so I can give you a hug. You’re such a special person. Your words are so beautiful. So simple. So true.

Your so not eerie! Your so loving, caring and giving.

You did not let me down. You taught me that we are all prone to falling into the YH trap, no matter what/when/how long we’ve been working on ourselves.

Strength and determination to resolve shows leadership. A leader is someone who has a following and can still admit to his followers of his mistakes – you did just that.

You are much more special to me now.

Keep on trucking,

This shabbos will be a full month clean. It's probably been four years since I had a clean streak this long (assuming I get through today lol. Going well so far, but Friday's have always been tough and I'm not taking anything for granted).
Honestly not sure how this happened, but I will keep on trucking.

Have a peaceful shabbos.

My dear friends, I hope the point I wrote last week didn't get lost in the tumult.
My friends, I also have many, many times has those 'irresistible urges', those days when you feel that if you don't watch something really lust-filled you'll lose your mind. Please remember that it's the air in the dough! The longer we'll stay away from the garbage, the more air we'll let out of our fantasies and utter narishkeit, and the easier it will be. I see it on my own flesh. Take heart! I'm no different than you, as you can see in my post from last week. So hold strong, know that it will get easier, and KEEP ON TRUCKING!

"Its literally just a bag of broken computer chips, warped plastic and shattered screens." and holiness, greatness, dreams of continued growth, your neshama's beautiful songs, and the list goes on
My friend, it sounds like you are doing great. Keep on trucking! And please let us know about it:)

As said before, aside from the normal man’s struggle, there is also the heightened super- awareness that often comes when getting clean. That aspect usually becomes easier with time. 

I think you are correct in wanting to avoid complacency, which is a dangerous drug that has been the cause of much downfall. Yet I don’t think shame and guilt are healthy, or the way to go, and neither is fear. 

You have accomplished a lot, and you should recognise that. It doesn’t mean that you should let your guard down. But it does mean that you may be optimistic, and cautiously confident! You know, that with Siyata Dishmaya, you have the tools to continue on the path of success that you are thankfully on. If you focus on the positives you are experiencing in being clean, and how much you are enjoying it (please elaborate and share if this is the case), you can feel good about taking the steps you need to safeguard your vigilance toward future successes!! 

Keep on trucking!! 

You guys are all so right! Ultimately I am a basar vadam, who makes mistakes and is not perfect, but I see that I have the power in me to succeed, and I have succeeded! 50 days is no small feat, and although I want more (wanting to grow more is a great thing , I should celebrate my accomplishment with the days of kedusha I grabbed, and the ability I have to pick myself up and keep on trucking! And ultimately I noticed a shift in my mindset, which is unbelievable as well (unfortunately after the fall my urges have been tugging at me again really strongly, but I will get back there again soon!). And you are all right, I hope to stay in contact a bit better because that is the only way I will get out of this. Thanks HHM and my good friend Chaim Oigen for that piece of advice. Maybe I will try to post every 5 days, even something short, just to keep accountability. And to all you out there who need chizzuk, please please private message me. Contrary to what Chaim Oigen said I have little to offer but would love to help in someone else journey as well. So far I'm riding the waves of the urges, and I hope to post again in another few days! 

yud909 wrote on 03 Dec 2023 19:49:

No matter how sad this is I find these lines very inspiring, Here's someone that has such a PROFOUND relationship with Hashem, realizes how he wanted to save him and is honest enough to admit that he is guilty for wanting to fall (so am I many times btw) and is ashamed of facing him by mincha!!!! I'd just skip that mincha or just rush it through. Reb yud, I hope that you realize that you have a special relationship with Hashem, ne which many of us desire and you should be grateful for this, and btw I'm sure you know that unlike we human's Hashem is a "forgiver" now all that's left is for you to forgive yourself, get back up on your feet, dust off, learn the lesson and keep on trucking!

Hey!

Glad you took it as a compliment. But I didn't have that in mind....

You see, often after a fall we tell ourselves that we will never win, we tell ourselves that we are such failures and so on.

So, I was just simply telling you not to feel like that and to focus on your true self.

It is extremely important though to remember all the feelings/emotions that come from/after/during a fall. The negative is there to keep you in check and the positive is also to keep you in check as well. Both of them pushing from one side which will IYH allow you to walk in a straight line.

Keep on trucking as R Eerie says,

Keep on trucking!!!

P.S. I also needed to post because I don't get updates from this thread 

But seriously Keep on trucking you are awesome!

Congrats for your 8 day streak!

Speaking about burning in purgatory, I personally will burn anyway so I don't care anymore how much the temperature would be or how many times I'll burn, what can help me refrain from lusting is to think of consequences that hit me NOW in real life. I'm told that thinking of rewards received from abstinence is better but it's a higher level that I didn't yet reach.

You can print out the PDF if thats works better for you.

Keep on trucking buddy! You're amazing!

proudyungerman wrote on 07 Jan 2024 21:54:

You will. You definitely will.

In fact, you can read through some of the threads here, Vehkam's for example, and actually watch a person achieve tremendous growth and even transformation specifically through this נסיון.

Whether that does help or it doesn't - I know the feeling of anger and confusion that can come as a person starts to realize the tremendous burden they've been carrying around for so long. The feelings are painful and powerful and no philosophy will make them totally disappear in a moment.

I can only offer a virtual hug from out here and the simple consolation that while I might never really know how that feels for you but you have people here with you, hearing that pain and feeling it with you.

Keep on trucking, keep on sharing, keep on shteiging and the burden will get lighter and lighter until you cast it off entirely and look back at how you've grown - it's called Breaking Free for a reason!

iyh50 wrote on 07 Jan 2024 02:32:

Welcome IYH!
That is an incredible accomplishment!! Excited to have you here on the forum! Keep on trucking!

Boy - Welcome to you as well!

Depression is very normal and nothing to worry about. It does pass.

As mentioned reaching out to people, exercising or being otherwise involved in something productive helps depression a lot. It is also worth noting that these are the very last things a person feels like doing when they're depressed - they prefer "leave me alone, I'm staying in bed and I'm not doing anything." But despite the lack of desire to do these things, they really do help and make life a lot better.

Keep posting and keep on trucking!!! Chazak V'ematz!

Th

Reb IWLR, something about your post touches me so deeply. You came here, within a short time you started flying!!!! You became a fire of inspiration. And, maybe some people, like myself, told ourselves, this person is just different. His struggles don't reflect on mine, because there's no way I can go zooming to the sky! And then you posted that you had a hard moment. You learned you can weather that storm, too. And that made you only greater. You reflect the story of each and every one of us. We each have our strengths. But when we start trucking, we gotta remember, the YH doesn't forget about us. And he might lull us into thinking we are 'clean for life'. We ain't gonna be clean for life until life is over. And no matter how great a person is, we can never, ever get complacent. I'm sorry for your hard time, but it made your inspiration that much more relatable. 
Keep on trucking, smiling...and sharing!