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21 Jun 2022 19:57
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chancy
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Hi Everyone,
Im not really in the mood of writing today as im in a post fall slump. But, im forcing myself to write anyway.
I always had this question "How do i know im winning?" If i fall once a month? once in 2,3, months? Once a year? I need to feel like im winning so i can keep fighting........
After falling yesterday, i figured out the answer!
You won when you you can get right back up! when the next day, you are right back where you left off before you started slipping, and you dont have to start doing everything from scratch.
You won when your mindset changed from 'this is not possible' to 'im never giving up anyway, i dont care how long this will take, its all the way till the grave for me'
You won when you can tell yourself clearly ' i know exactly what i want and this is not what i want' you know your mission!
You won when you can look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself 'I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF!' and be truthful!!!
I Know what mistakes i made that led to this fall (coming to the office alone because of a delivery, I should've stayed outside untill the delivery arrived, but didnt realize) But the main reason i fell is because i told myself a few times that day 'this is it, you cant win this time' THIS IS THE WORST THOUGHT! because there is no such a thing! There is always the option of running as far as you can from temptations!
Anyway, onward and upward. Ive learned a few lessons and this will add to my arsenal IYH.
THe main reason im writing this long rambling message is because I want to take a huge leap and make a promise to stay clean for 1,000 days! The reason im jumping is that i have 2 very important milestones in my life on that date and keeping those in mind will help tremendously! So im looking for someone to send me periodic reminders or some such things to keep on trucking and to remember what im fighting for!
Thank you for listening!
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21 Jun 2022 20:18
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Markz
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chancy wrote on 21 Jun 2022 19:57:
Hi Everyone,
Im not really in the mood of writing today as im in a post fall slump. But, im forcing myself to write anyway.
I always had this question "How do i know im winning?" If i fall once a month? once in 2,3, months? Once a year? I need to feel like im winning so i can keep fighting........
After falling yesterday, i figured out the answer!
You won when you you can get right back up! when the next day, you are right back where you left off before you started slipping, and you dont have to start doing everything from scratch.
You won when your mindset changed from 'this is not possible' to 'im never giving up anyway, i dont care how long this will take, its all the way till the grave for me'
You won when you can tell yourself clearly ' i know exactly what i want and this is not what i want' you know your mission!
You won when you can look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself 'I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF!' and be truthful!!!
I Know what mistakes i made that led to this fall (coming to the office alone because of a delivery, I should've stayed outside untill the delivery arrived, but didnt realize) But the main reason i fell is because i told myself a few times that day 'this is it, you cant win this time' THIS IS THE WORST THOUGHT! because there is no such a thing! There is always the option of running as far as you can from temptations!
Anyway, onward and upward. Ive learned a few lessons and this will add to my arsenal IYH.
THe main reason im writing this long rambling message is because I want to take a huge leap and make a promise to stay clean for 1,000 days! The reason im jumping is that i have 2 very important milestones in my life on that date and keeping those in mind will help tremendously! So im looking for someone to send me periodic reminders or some such things to keep on trucking and to remember what im fighting for!
Thank you for listening!
You’re welcome.
Although that is not what I c onsider winning at all.It’s positive acti ons that count. I d on’t have the time to explain more, I wish I could, maybe I should…
Kome On Trucking!
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23 Jun 2022 19:55
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chancy
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Markz wrote on 21 Jun 2022 20:18:
chancy wrote on 21 Jun 2022 19:57:
Hi Everyone,
Im not really in the mood of writing today as im in a post fall slump. But, im forcing myself to write anyway.
I always had this question "How do i know im winning?" If i fall once a month? once in 2,3, months? Once a year? I need to feel like im winning so i can keep fighting........
After falling yesterday, i figured out the answer!
You won when you you can get right back up! when the next day, you are right back where you left off before you started slipping, and you dont have to start doing everything from scratch.
You won when your mindset changed from 'this is not possible' to 'im never giving up anyway, i dont care how long this will take, its all the way till the grave for me'
You won when you can tell yourself clearly ' i know exactly what i want and this is not what i want' you know your mission!
You won when you can look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself 'I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF!' and be truthful!!!
I Know what mistakes i made that led to this fall (coming to the office alone because of a delivery, I should've stayed outside untill the delivery arrived, but didnt realize) But the main reason i fell is because i told myself a few times that day 'this is it, you cant win this time' THIS IS THE WORST THOUGHT! because there is no such a thing! There is always the option of running as far as you can from temptations!
Anyway, onward and upward. Ive learned a few lessons and this will add to my arsenal IYH.
THe main reason im writing this long rambling message is because I want to take a huge leap and make a promise to stay clean for 1,000 days! The reason im jumping is that i have 2 very important milestones in my life on that date and keeping those in mind will help tremendously! So im looking for someone to send me periodic reminders or some such things to keep on trucking and to remember what im fighting for!
Thank you for listening!
You’re welcome.
Although that is not what I c onsider winning at all.It’s positive acti ons that count. I d on’t have the time to explain more, I wish I could, maybe I should…
Kome On Trucking!
What do you mean by positive acti ons?
Do any of these count?
1. Giving up watching goyishe movie's after being hooked for years
2. Giving up smartph one after years and years of having one
3. Giving up news sites after being an avid news reader for years
4. Putting whitelist filters on all computers?
5. Going from weekly P&M to 1-2 times a year maybe?
I just want to know what would be c onsidered in your eyes as doing something?
Thank God that you are not Him.
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11 Jul 2022 18:38
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Lchaim Tovim
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I know your busy and barely have a minute to breathe...
I don't want to be a pain...I'm really trying hard not to ask...3 second rule...stop it...keep on trucking...3 second rule again...remember this story is optional...
but could we get another chapter?
darn, failed...the temptation was to strong...
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12 Jul 2022 00:49
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Face the challenge
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Striving4more wrote on 11 Jul 2022 18:33:
I've been on the DL since I've joined earlier this year. I made it to 60 days my first go-around before having a fall (went through a bad break-up that spiraled into a weeks-long binge). B"H the last 87 days have flown by, I really can't believe that 90 is around the corner in just three more days. I know myself, and feel that I've been too passive in how I've made it to this point. I happen to have had a very packed schedule recently, which B"H has kept my head focused on positive things and without too much downtime to allow for any p + m. My learning schedule early in the morning also helps aid this as I force myself to go to sleep early at night, again cutting down the "prime time" for falls to occur. Despite all this, I feel like once I breach that 90-day mark, my motivation is going to flatline. After months of ghosting this wonderful website and being inspired by so many of you, I am making a commitment to keep an updated account of what I'm going through starting on Day 90 to ensure I keep this up be"H as long as possible.
Would love to hear any advice from anyone who has made it past the 90-day mark to keep it up.
Thank you all!
First of all gotta wish you c ongratulati ons on this! You are incredible!! Keep up the good work and I can’t wait to hear you start posting after day 90! Im sure you will be a big chizuk to the other members of gye!! Sec ondly, I can’t speak so much from experience post 90 days as im not so far bey ond 90 myself but there are a few things that i thought of al ong the way.
One thing which is always important to remember is that 90 was and never will be the end goal. 90 days (besides for your neur on pathways being redirected for whatever that means etc) shows that you can c ontinue living the rest of life without porn or masturbati on. If you did it for three m onths, you can do it forever. That’s the yisod of 90 in my opini on. I didn’t have some crazy feelings on day 90 that now im going to be free from this struggle…it actually felt pretty similar to every other day. The only difference was that i reached a goal i set for myself.
Sec ondly, a big motivati on of mine from the beginning of joining this site was to hopefully be in a positi on that one day i will be able to help others get out of their pers onal hell. If i can show some one else that no matter how hard it gets that i will be able to push through, then they will see that they also have the ability to keep going str ong. That’s definitely something i still keep in mind.
Third, my l ong term goals in life automatically mean that i need to keep up my motivati on to keep on going. Im going to be starting to date in the near future and i want my marriage to be on solid ground with my past being the past and the future full of opportunity. I d on’t want to be a Moe Steiner (-; (see the new story teller thread if you d on’t get this…)
Fourth, I’m quite happy where my life has g one to without being addicted to porn. I have more time on my hands in general, im emoti onally healthier, and overall i feel great about myself. All of these feelings are not something i really experienced when i was stuck in the world of pornography. I d on’t want these feelings to ever go away. There are still times where the battle gets tough and I remind myself of the guilty feeling that i had right after a fall in order to battle my yetzer hara. The yetzer hara only lets you think of the pleasurable moments of porn and masturbati on without you remembering how horribly guilty you felt right after…
All of these and more are things that im misbonein on to help me want to keep fighting this battle for the rest of my life. I d on’t want to stop at 90. I d on’t ever want to go back to that horrible world i was living in. Internalize this and hopefully it will give you the proper motivati on to keep on trucking. Wishing you luck brother.
-ftc
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24 Jul 2022 19:13
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Markz
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fishel klien wrote on 24 Jul 2022 18:45:
BH is getting better, I'm 19 days clean
Sounds good.
Have you shared your story with a coach / therapist?
You see there’s this famous guy Fishel Klein on R’ Eli Stefanskys daf Shiur. Is that you?
I heard R’ Eli has a line something to the effect of “ It’s not about the Daf, it’s about the Yomi”.
For the DafYomi project it’s good.
For sobriety it’s not.
Being in recovery is made up of 2 things. #1 Today - of course!
#2 working a program. What’s a ‘program’? It varies from pers on to pers on.
If you work a program 3 days a week and that gives you l ong term success, that’s the way to go.
If you have no real plan but you keep logging into gye 7 days a week or log “I didn’t fall today YAY”, that can oftentimes give zero l ong term results…
Make sense?
Keep on Trucking!
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04 Aug 2022 20:35
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Kavey
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My friend, you are a mevakesh Hashem and I feel honored to be able to converse with you here.
For myself, I can't say that I've experienced exactly what you're describing but I do know for myself that in hand-to-hand combat with the yetzer hara the yetzer hara always wins. It might be right away or might be days, weeks etc. but it will happen.
There are many opinions and approaches on this site (addicts, non-addicts, filters, finding the right motivation, mentors etc.) but I think they all boil down to having the right tools for the fight. So do your research, gear up and keep on trucking!
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08 Aug 2022 15:58
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Markz
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Hopeful2022 wrote on 08 Aug 2022 13:56:
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. While the 5 days was great, it was also a time that I was completely disgusted with my actions and was excited about what GYE had to offer. The problem began to resurface in earnest about day 3, as the novelty and shame began to dissipate. I hung on for two more days and those are the days of which I was proudest.
After this last weekend, I feel that I am lower than when I started, and the shame and disgust that I feel right now should get me through the next few days at least. If I can get to day 6 or beyond, that will be amazing.
I know that I need to build walls/doors/locks to the internet. that is where all my problems stem from. I have never cheated on my wife or been with a prostitute. Getting rid of my smartphone would help a great deal, but it is not practical in my life. I can and will get rid of my computer and iPad.
What I have to done is fill my time with Torah and learning. I do not live in a frum area and have not been very observant in my life. I am surrounded by filth and have swam in its dirty waters for decades. I need to live a much more observant life in every aspect. I know what to do, I just can't seem to do it.. I am not giving up... What choice do I have??
Thanks for letting me ramble
Brother your story is g onna get lost if it’s on very different pages. I suggest you keep your story on 1 thread. Next time simply click ‘reply’ instead of creating a new thread.
Works for you?
Keep on Trucking bro 
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22 Aug 2022 13:24
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Captain
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Hey ColinColin,
Sorry to hear about your fall. You are a real inspiration here, and we know that you will pick right back up and keep on trucking!
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02 Sep 2022 04:32
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Markz
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yehuda0524 wrote on 02 Sep 2022 04:01:
You made me in shivers. I feel your pain coming thru in every word.
I would like to hear more about your story. if you are willing to share.
Absolutely. My family never really had filters on any devices growing up and being a curious young teen, i started surfing the web hoping to find things. Bh over the years Hashem has really watched over me that it never lead to porn sites. But i was watching borderline porn on youtube. I was pretty protected in yeshiva bh but it was very difficult for me when i would come home for bain hazmanim.
When i was in 10th grade, i decided to open up to my father about it which was probably one of the smartest things ive ever d one. He was very understanding and he tried to do the best he can and always keeping it private(my mother still doesnt know)
Its been better and worse at times. Over cor ona it was very difficult for me. It got really hard once again through the stresses of dating and that was when the masturbati on became much more of an issue for me. i had a therapist and i reached out to him about these challenges i was having. Ive made some progress and learned some tools but i really feel and hope that i could do better. I hope and pray that through c onsistently checking in, posting, starting the program, and potentially getting a partner it will really help me be the best i possibly can be
What really sparked me turning to gye is i got married pretty recently and i feel my old habits on a smaller scale are resurfacing. This is partly due to the excess technology that i have on a regular basis(opposed to yeshiva). It gets me very scared because im trying to build a beautiful marriage and the house ive always dreamed of and i can see how these behaviors are soooo destructive. Ive really taken extreme measures in regards to filters and passwords. But i feel like it helps but cant be relied up on too much. My therapist recommended me joining gye and i truly see how amazing this program is and how special every one in this community is. Its really amazing
Be"h with the help of hashem we can all overcome these challenges and reach the light at he end of this tunnel
Keep on Trucking!!
You’re doing great.
May I ask a silly questi on. What did your therapist want you to find on gye - taphsic? Libido lowering pills? Did he / she elaborate.
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06 Sep 2022 18:29
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OivedElokim
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Bravo!!
Keep On Trucking!
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27 Oct 2022 19:39
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Grant400
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BHYY wrote on 27 Oct 2022 13:31:
Wow...what a moment. 365 days...1 year clean.
Hodu L'Hashem Ki Tov!!!!!!!
What a year it has been.
I haven't updated you friends in quite a while so here we go.
Over this last year I got engaged and married!
It is hard to describe what one year clean is like. It's not like there is a button that just turns off all desire, it's just different. Is walking outside still a nisayon? Yes. Is there still a huge nisayon when using technology? Definitely yes. Do I get urges? Yes.
But it is different.
I am in control. I don't fall apart every time I get an urge. It's so hard to describe. But I wish it upon each and every one of you!!!
First and foremost I want to thank all of you who have been with me on this journey. This platform is truly amazing.
I want to give a special shoutout to a few tzadikim who have been at my side this entire time.
Bigmoish - it all started with you. The first person I reached out to. The first person who really pushed me to recovery. Thank you!
Hashem Help Me - My friend and my Rebbe. Thank you for always being there (and continuing to be there!!) whenever I needed someone to talk to (or give me a good kick in the pants and tighten up the nuts and bolts!)
iampowerless - Yankel! Having a friend fighting right alongside me was indispensable. Thank you for your advice, your friendship, and your constant positive attitude.
Finally, thank you to all the members of the SMART meeting. You forever have a special place in my heart!
Thank you GYE!!!
Thank you Hashem!!!!!!
What amazing news! So happy for you! Thanks for sharing!  Warning: Spoiler!I don't want to be a party pooper , so I won't day you need to stay vigilant & not get comfortable...I'll leave that to someone else  !
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04 Dec 2022 23:07
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Eerie
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Hey, HB! Mazal tov on the 3 digits! Keep it up! I do agree with you that hearing it from people that are in the process of discovering it is a very powerful tool, but it's very tricky not to be triggering. Even the little that I've written brought on some mentions of triggers. But I will keep posting, most of it in the BB forum, but I'll let you know here if I put something there. Keep on trucking!
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12 Dec 2022 17:08
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Eerie
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Hi yud909, Wow! Keep it up! Amazing to watch you go higher and higher. And so impressed by your taking it to the next level with stopping the videos. As to your question about which is worse, boredom or videos, I would guess each person is different, but the guys here offered some great ideas for boredom busters. Especially the idea of teaching Torah, you wrote in the past that you could have entered the chinuch arena, so hey, go for it. Learning Torah is powerful, and teaching and inspiring others is unreal. When you'll see the difference you made in someone's life it will impact you greatly.(And, btw, I'm your first talmid:)) keep on trucking, my friend, and keep us posted!
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10 Jan 2023 21:12
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Eerie
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5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 10 Jan 2023 20:44:
guardmyeyes1606 wrote on 10 Jan 2023 19:22:
I am really struggling to understand how masturbation, which in my experience (and many many many others seemingly from this forum), is absolutely irresistible at all stages of life, can be so seriously frowned on my halacha?
More than that, it seems to be a completely normal and healthy part of life, particularly as a boy is growing up and hitting puberty.
So how can it be so ossur? Does anyone in the world actually not do this?
Hi. I had this thought cross through my head so many times over approximately the 5 year period from when I first learned that masturbati on is prohibited by halacha to when I finally had success on quitting nearly 500 days ago, Baruch Hashem.
The short answer is that in the midst of addicti on to lust, which is what leads most people to be unable to live without masturbating, it is nearly impossible to imagine how you can live without masturbating. I know this because I clearly remember thinking to myself that I would never be able to live without masturbating back when I was in the midst of addicti on. Your questi on makes a lot of sense from where you are.
If you:
1. Do not look at any sexually stimulating imagery, no matter what.
2. Move your mind on from sexually stimulating fantasies to other thoughts and activities.
3. Are willing to suffer the physical pains of withdrawal,
you will be able to stop masturbating. The reason people masturbate is because they lust and fantasize. If you get to the point where you recognize this, and then aband on all activities that lead to further fantasizing, you will stop masturbating. I never once masturbated without fantasizing. Ever. If you move on from fantasy and lust, you w on't masturbate.
Reflect on this over and over: If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate. If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate. If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate. If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate. If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate. If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate. If you do not fantasize --> you will not masturbate.
That's the answer to your questi on. What holds people back is that they aren't h onest with themselves about this and they aren't willing to endure the pain of withdrawal. It's really that simple. The hard work is doing it. And trust me, it's hard to aband on fantasy. But oh is it worth it to not be a slave to taivos! I am finally a free man. I have never felt better in my whole life. NOTHING beats the joy of being in c ontrol of your desires, once you experience that joy.
Reb numbers and letters, your resp onse is beautiful, and your accomplishments are simply amazing! It is so inspiring to read somebody who was there write "But oh is it worth it to not be a slave to taivos! I am finally a free man. I have never felt better in my whole life. NOTHING beats the joy of being in c ontrol of your desires, once you experience that joy." Amazing. Keep on trucking and inspiring us all!
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11 Jan 2023 21:02
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Eerie
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Teshuvahguy wrote on 11 Jan 2023 00:08:
Today was logged 83 days. ONE MORE WEEK TO 90!!!
Way to go, my friend! Keep on trucking, and keep inspiring us! You are amazing in all that you have accomplished in your life, I can't imagine many people would be able to put up a fight like you did, to make so many m onumental changes. You are an inspirati on!
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15 Jan 2023 08:18
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Eerie
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yud909 wrote on 15 Jan 2023 04:39:
excellence wrote on 14 Jan 2023 19:57:
Hashem Help Me wrote on 13 Jan 2023 12:29:
In reality there is no difference between 70 and 700.
Pls elaborate. I d on't understand.
I think what HHM means (please correct me if I’m wr ong) is that if you can go 70 days clean then you can go 700 days. Some one might be addicted but can go a week or two clean and then revert back to his old ways so he might c onvince himself that he needs this. Once you get to a certain point, for example 70 days, it’s quite obvious that you d on’t need it. In the last 70 days I’ve g one through all my typical cycles of life. Boredom and busy, inspired and blah, happy and sad, good shalom bayis day and bad shalom bayis day, good day at work and bad, etc. And through it all I’ve been able to survive (thrive actually) without reverting to shmutz. So at this point there’s no reas on why I can’t get to 700 days.
thats how I understood it at least
Beautifully said, my friend. I think that is what he meant. If I may add, I don't think I know all of what HHM meant, אין אדם עומד על דעת רבו עד ארבעים שנה, but I think he also meant that when you ease into realizing that this is the life that you choose to live you can come to the point of comfort of knowing that 90 days is a goal that will help a person change some of his inner landscape, relieve some of the pressure of addiction, but in reality each and every day is it's own goal. When we work with the 90 day goal, if we fall we view ourselves as losers, we have nothing to show for our efforts. In reality, each and every minute is its own goal! We have to internalize that these struggles are a part of life, and even if we fall that does not take one iota away of whatever we have accomplished, those days that were clean are still ours. Especially like in you case, when a 70+ days have gone by, you've had ups and downs, and your here! BH! Now, this is life. Remain vigilant, don't become complacent, but know that you are now living life, in a healthy way, the correct way, and keep on trucking, one day at a time! Waiting for the update at 7000 days!
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15 Jan 2023 22:35
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Eerie
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My dear, holy friend, that's what friends are for. You were the first person to reach out to me, and I remain eternally grateful. It is so inspiring to read about you fighting the YH in real time, your resolve is unreal. Yes, you are right that we must always remain vigilant, the YH never sleeps. BH you are fighting him today from a healthy, normal position. That doesn't mean he's out of ammunition, but you are in a place where you can go through the regular tests of mankind, and fight back exactly the way you did. Sometimes the enemy brings out stronger weapons, those are the harder nisyoinois, and every nisayon is there so that we can grow through overcoming it. It was time for you to take things to the next level, so you got this test. AND YOU PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS!!! Keep on trucking, my friend! And keep us in the loop so we can all continue to be uplifted by you
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24 Jan 2023 18:42
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Eerie
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yud909 wrote on 24 Jan 2023 16:54:
wow! just read through this thread, great stuff, thank you for sharing.
Bh I'm on 82 days clean now but always wondering how long will this last for? Am I cured? (I know I'm not) Will I also get crazy taivos again like you did on day 120? Will I be able to fight? Will I fall? If chas veshalom I do, will I be able to get back up again?
All questions I think about occasionally... your thread was definitely a chizuk, so thank you!
I think we all think these thoughts, and the answer is usually yes to most of those questions. Yes, we will still have moments where the YH gets really strong, and yes the fight will be tough but you will be able to fight, and if c"v you fall, yes you will be able to get up again. Think of it like D-day. without troops on the European continent, there was no way to open the front against the Germans. D-day was able to accomplish that from that point onward the allies were able to fight an even battle against the Axis powers. That does not mean that they lost no soldiers, didn't suffer setbacks, weren't attacked by a German offensive. Of course all those things did happen. (Take the battle of the bulge, for example) But D-day put the battle on even footing, it put it in place that victory became possible from there. The initial stage of staying clean, learning methods of control, of minimizing cues, that's our D-day. from there we enter the every day battle of the YH. Yes, the YH will still mount attacks, yes, it will be tough but you still have the power to fight! Hashem has not forsaken us! And yes, if you look at it this way, if you realize that falling from here on does not mean you have no hope, it does not mean you're a loser, it does not mean Hashem gave up on you, all it means is that you fell. So you'll get up, brush your pants off, and KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!
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