Welcome,

I have definitely felt that way in the past and I know that most if not all of us here have felt that as well. One of the most pleasurable things in life is getting to a point in this fight with the yetzer hara where we start living as our true selves. Right now it feels hypocritical, and it is, but know that with this battle we become stronger and stronger over time. We get more self confidence and life in every aspect is brighter without our brains being bogged down by the constant fantasies and demotivating thoughts.
True change is around the corner and you have just taken the first step.

Cheers to a better life!!
Take the fight one day at a time. We must learn from our mistakes just like you've noticed that you need to work on getting out of bed. Each small thing creates change. We cant change ourselves magically in 10, 20, or even 50 days. The only way we can change for then is to work on ourselves now. You cant have 50 days of change without the 1st, and you cant expect yourself to be perfect like you are at 50days when your at day one. This means trying our best now, accepting things that don't go our way, and getting back up and moving on regardless.

Also it can be very beneficial to write out your story and also what your goals are with regards to coming clean.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

And know that you're not alone

I'm not sure why but today I have been getting some stronger urges than usual. No triggers needed, just getting urges. Could be because I am on break and am pushing off the work I am supposed to be doing.

Baruch Hashem loneliness isn't hitting hard after seeing married friends and family. I think this is because of my decision to start shidduchim soon and knowing that Bezras Hashem I am not too far away from finding my wife, and building a deep emotional relationship, all the bumps included but hopefully not alot.

Also just a side note, I am officially over one year free of masturbation.
366 days of no masturbation
about 470 days of no pornography
One Day At A Time!!

My main motivators are:
1) To have the ability to have a deep and intimate relationship with my future wife. 
     If you are new here you may think that marriage is a cure all or that married men have it easier than us singles. Ill try to explain my way I think about this because its not so simple.
    First, what is sex? We are given a false perception of what sex really is from the porn industry. Sex is actually a very kadosh thing. It is one of the deepest ad most intimate acts that can take place in the world. Sex is not wrong, but it can be used and done in a twisted and wrong way. Using porn or even using our wives in a "mutar" way to fill our pleasure is definitely not the right thing. To use ones wife to solely fill their own pleasure is to treat her like an object that is only meant for sex. So again if its not solely for our pleasure then what is it? It is the culmination of love that we have for our wives on a day to day basis, and love is created by intimacy.

    Intimacy is our day to day interactions we have with our wives, the small gestures of love that have nothing to do with sex and all to do with being a part of a team. Two people that come together and create a deep and meaningful connection. This connection creates a desire to be close with this person, and in turn sex in marriage is the culmination of this closeness. It is the sole most selfless and trusting act of a woman to be with her husband. It is a treasure that should not be taken and used in a corrupted way. It should be used as a way to give and show your appreciation, love, and trust. And from this comes a family.

    Now you may say to yourself "What does it make the difference if I use it for my own pleasure?". Well, here's how detrimental it is. Women are usually way more emotionally in tune than men, and sex is a very different experience for them. This is where the porn industry thrive on giving us this false perception that women "enjoy" the terrible things done to them, and really these people are high and miserable. Just like how the Hollywood actors are know to be miserable, the porn industry is worse. It debases them and takes away their humanity. It corrupts reality.

    Also if a man is using porn and other forms of lust then they have issues with how they deal with their emotions and also how they interact in their relationships with their friends, family, and really anyone. We tend to find porn and masturbation as a sort of comfort or number from our emotions. This numbs our senses and makes things easier to deal with in the moment. The problem with this is that it hasn't dealt with the cause of these emotions, like stress, anxiety, depression...etc. It only held them off until the next time, only the next time will be worse and need a higher dose of numbing to cope because nothing is dealt with but everything is still there. This is the familiar cycle of lust. 

    Now what does that have to do with how we interact in or relationships? Well I am sure you know the feeling of fear of being found out, maybe lack of self worth for feeling like a fraud, the terrible feeling of knowing what you do is wrong yet still going after it because you have no control, and the many more things we feel and know. These things cause us to live two lives or how I like to phrase it as two half lives. We cant live fully as our true self because we feel all these things, and in our relationships we know this and it causes us to not invest ourselves in others. We know that if the other person truly knew what we did that they would never look at us the same way again or never look at us again at all. We cant be invested in our relationships because we don't think we deserve to, we are trying to protect the other person from who we think we truly are, we keep ourselves private so that they can never find out what lurks inside. The way we live in reality blocks us from truly living.

    A woman will intuitively know that her husband is not there with them on the emotional level that they need and this will cause a rift in the husbands and wifes intimate relationship. This rift may not be noticeable to a husband that is deep addicted to lust and using his wife because he may not be as emotionally in tune. But this will definitely be noticed by the wife on a base level. This rift is also noticed by children because they need that connection from their father even if they don't show it. To be there truly for ones child is the biggest gift in the whole world for a child, and being stuck in lust causes us to be distant.
And that is my second motivator:
2) To be the best father that I can be for my future family.

3) Being in control of my mind
This past year and really the past 470+ days have been the most rigorous and difficult of my life. But they've also been the most fulfilling because I have learnt that life is way more enjoyable as a whole without porn and masturbation. The fact that I am in control of myself makes life so much better. Theres no more of the cycle of an unbearable emotion, porn, masturbation, instant pleasure, regret, shame, guilt... etc. There's no more of the brain being clogged by fantasies all the time (there are still the occasional fantasy, but with time, they are easier to deal with). I can walk down the street and not be looking everywhere and fantasizing all the time. I can have a normal conversation with a woman without having to force myself to be in control because I already am.

4) Respecting a fellow human (deobjectifying)
    Women are people too. When we fantasize about them then that takes away their humanity and turns them into an object for our pleasure. The classic counter to this is that "they already disrespect/deobjectify themselves so why should I respect them or not objectify them?". This way of thinking is flawed. Its basically saying "If that person is robbing and killing, then why shouldn't I". Why would you want to degrade yourself to that level? Do you have no self respect?  
    Another approach to this which is along the same lines is that our goal may not be to respect/deobjectify those people, but the only way for us to change for the people that matter, like our wives, daughters, mothers, and sisters, is to respect/deobjectify the people that don't seem to respect or try to deobjectify themselves.
Also, I believe that most women cant grasp this struggle that men have, so giving them the benefit of the doubt, we can't blame them for our problems. Blaming others for our problems, even if they aren't making it easier, just makes it harder for us to solve the issue and live peacefully. 

5) Life is so much better
Over time the urges arent as common, fantasies dont pop up all the time, and we start to live as our true selves, not the half lives we were living before.


Theres way more to say and way more to explain. If anyone has problems or questions about what I have said please let me know. The only way I have come to these conclusions and thoughts is by talking with people like HHM and Dov, listening to Dov's talks in the GYE audio library, talking with other GYE members via chat system or on the forum, and most importantly by fighting this challenge One Day At A Time with Hashems help.

Each Day is a different challenge that we cant know how it will be. We can only prepare ourselves for the future by focusing on bettering ourselves in the present. Kinda like a 3 day yom tov .
Jokes aside, it takes each day one at a time.


Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Don't focus too much on the big numbers. It takes each day, one day at a time. If we look towards a certain number and think once we get past that life is easier then we're just lying to ourselves. We're fighting for that number instead of changing ourselves so that at that number it gets easier.

Changin how we view women, how we view sex, and how we view this nisoyon is the key to long term success. 

If we have a healthy perspective with regards to these areas and we work on internalizing them then that's true success.

But in the end, yes it gets easier.

Have a wonderful shabbos and a wonderful pesach.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Just remembering about how this time of year is very difficult for singles that have siblings and friends that are married. Expescially older singles with younger siblings married. I hope the loneliness doesn't hit as hard this time. 

Have a great shabbos and a great pesach everyone!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

This morning, I was tired and exhausted and on my way to the subway. I see someone cross onto the sidewalk in front of me. She was very attractive but not in a sexual way, but an attractive way if that makes sense. I think I now feel this pull to look more out of a sense of longing to start a deep relationship with my wife than out of lust. I didn't want it to change to me looking at her in a sexual way, so I made sure not to linger or to look back even though she was still in my peripheral vision. Turns out she was headed the same direction I was, and I really wanted to just look again, but not for sexual reasons. Luckily, I had enough willpower not to look and to even cross the street early and then pass her on the way to the subway and make sure that I was on a different side of the platform. 

Today is hard, and it's getting harder. Things aren't working out - Like coffee spilling - and deadlines are converging. I wish I had some support in my life and in my values that I feel like I alone in my direct life am upholding, but unfortunately, I don't think most people can ever understand my situation unless they've gone through it themselves. It's not like life is bad, Baruch Hashem life is amazing. Its just that at times it is extremely difficult to the point that I wonder if my efforts are even going towards an end goal or if they're just being wasted and there will be no results. I wish I had a glimpse of the future to see what I am working towards as opposed to shooting in the dark and hoping for the best. Times like these make me question if I should have just chosen an easier path in life. Fortunately, Hashem has given me the strength and intellect to get to this point, and I believe even farther.
(As I am typing this, people are walking by, and I am making sure not to look)
I hope today gets better!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

To me, this is indicative of real progress, when the urges come, and we somehow figure out how to manage them. Understanding how our YH works, is also helpful, as a tool before we're in his clutches. Once we're in grip it's often too late. Keep on trucking and moving forward! One day at a time, one urge at a time.

I am getting really worn down right now. Totally exhausted and I am struggling with motivation. I am still doing what I need to do but I wish I could just take a break from outside responsibility right now and focus on myself. This is causing me to be more lax with regards to where I am looking and also I noticed an uptake in my brain creating fantasies. Barcuch Hashem no where near as many as I used to have but more than the past few months.

Also on another happier note, 1 year clean of masturbation is 2nd day on yom tov. Its been an amazing year taken one day at a time. One major lesson that I would say I have learned and am still learning is how much I don't need porn and masturbation during times of stress, anxiety, and loneliness. This year has been the most strenuous in my life but also the most fulfilling due to getting through things without going towards porn and masturbation.

I just hope that things get easier but from what I can tell it wont for a while. Baruch Hashem there is a purpose, but having a purpose doesn't make things easy, just a bit more meaningful.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Im tired, overwhelmed, stressed, and feel unappreciated for my efforts in what I do

Brother, to hear about your struggles, is hard and painful.

I know this is cliche-ish (is that a word?) but you can break free. 
But most of all, don't hate on yourself. You can be like me and outsource that stuff. There are enough people out there that have issues with me. I just close it up and keep on trucking. 

Don't be hard on yourself. And don't say things like 'i was hoping to be further along on my journey than I am now'. 
Thats maybe someone else's journey. Not yours. Yours is personal to you and you are moving at a good pace. You came to GYE, you out together a nice streak or two and fell. 
These are big steps. Opening yourself up to others. Opening yourself up to yourself and seeing that you can change. You've made huge steps. HUGE ones. 
You've made big progress and don't let little falls lie to you that you weren't where u need to be. 
You are exactly where you need to be. 
You came to the place where people like you, can get help and improve their lives. So pick yourself up and keep on moving. 

Saw a beautiful vort

Someone came to the Chazon Ish, he had done terrible things, and his past was not letting him move on.

The Chazon Ish told him, the gemara says הרהורי עבירה קשה מעבירה, said the Chazon Ish, the thoughts about the aveirah that a person has done, the thoughts of yiush, of feeling so low and disgusted with oneself, those thoughts are really worse than the aveirah itself! Your worst enemy are not your past misdeeds, but the way you view yourself as a result of them



Dearest Chaveirim, KEEP ON TRUCKING!

    People here have gotten married while still struggling with this nisoyon. I think that as mentioned before, the teshuva of us trying to drag ourselves out is a tikun enough.
    Either way what about all the people that are still struggling, aren't here, and have gotten married?
    Something that porn and masturbation will definitely do, is make it way harder and actually impossible to connect on a deep level with someone, this may in fact be very problematic with a shidduch and also after marriage.
    
Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Today was Bh much better, as my mentor suggested that I should try to internalize that all my looking, lusting, stalking, searching, and listening etc. isn't who I am, it's just a tool I run too when feeling in pain, or just not in the mood.

So I've been trying to think about it, it makes sense to me and hopefully it'll really help me to keep on trucking.

Being here and sharing your story proves that you are not a failure. It takes time but believe it that you can break free and be stronger than ever.
            Changing your mindset about women is also crucial to long term success so I am very happy and impressed that you identified that the world of porn and lust is fake and not reality. Also changing your mindset of what sex really is as opposed to the corrupted way its portrayed in the porn industry is very helpful. I recomend reaching out to HHM as others posted.
 Know that with time and work you get a simcha from being free that is way better than the trap of the double life of porn and masturbation.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

jewizard21 wrote on 23 Mar 2025 21:44:

Like when I started, I saw these guys that had long streaks, like over 100 days and then they fell and I thought to myself that that must feel so uuuugggghhhh More because in my head it makes it feel like "will I actually ever really get this out of me"...

Hey,

Try not to let one day take away from the 99. Each day is its own challenge and day 100 was very hard. We need to learn from our mistakes and move on stronger. You are not the same person 100 days ago and that fall of one day didn't change the fact that you have grown, it just gave you an opportunity to grow stronger. 
I know how you feel, I had a streak of 108 days and then fell, now BH I am at almost a year clean. Just remember that porn and masturbation doesn't actually make thing easier, they just make things worse in the long run, and life is so much better without it which I am sure you can feel after 99 days clean.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

One of those days that start slow and you just push off things that need to be done. Lots of stress rn and a bunch of anxiety. I feel my head and eyes want to lower their guard and just look at everything, but Im not letting that happen and if it does Ill make sure that I move on.

This week has been the epitome of One Day At A Time. Had some real highs, lows, anxiety, stress, fun, enjoyment... all on different days and all unexpected. I hope the rest of my day goes better than start and I hope tomorrow will be better than today although I cant change what happens tomorrow so I will focus on today. 

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Also will hopefully start shidduchim in the near future and am so happy that I am at this stage of my journey with this nisoyon while entering this next chapter of life, Thank you to everyone that reads and posts and gives me encouragement to keep moving forward.