Thanks so much for the support! It feels so good knowing I'm not in this fight alone, that I'm part of an entire battalion of fighters! I wish the rest of klal yisroel would know how many kedoshim there are in the GYE community! There are hundreds of yidden here who are succeeding in fighting the burning yetzer hara, and just a few weeks ago I thought this yetzer hara is not possible to fight! I am truly inspired!
@hollyari: Let's keep on trucking 'til 90 one day at a time!

Almost fell over shabbos. Baruch Hashem I did not!!



Doing good now but emotions are high bc obvious reasons. I let fantasies take over because I was So tiered of holding back my thoughts and desires that have been constant recently. 

BH i got out of bed from my shabbos nap and went to a more public location. I realized that shabbos naps in bed are a trigger for me.

Its 100% worth it that I didn't give in!



Thank you Hashem!



Keep on Trucking, On Day At A Time!!

Amazing, this is true growth and clarity!

I have found it that I am more relaxed, even when I have an urge, by the knowledge that I am a healthy human being that doesn't need to rely on Lust to get through my problems. This is including times of extreme stress and pressure!

Feeling worthy is also about self-respect. A lot of us have lost respect for ourselves, and if we change our self image from a person who doesn't deserve to be worthy, to a person who has earned that worthiness by working on themselves, then we are on the right path to happier lives.

(A side note, "happier lives" doesn't necessarily mean always happy, it could also mean that during the rough times this burden isn't there, which makes the rough times more manageable. As well as when life isn't rough then we are truly happy without this weight holding us back.)

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hey,
Mazel Tov

From one engaged guy to another, I can definitely relate to engagement being a difficult time. 

I want to be clear that I am not saying what I am about to say as judgmental at all. What you are experiencing with regards to looking at other women is 100% because of the false projections of marriage and love in western society. You already are working on so many things in life which is evident of you being here on GYE and that is already extremely impressive, but one thing that we as men of western society need to do is to change our perspective. There is one thing to know whats wrong and twisted and another to really internalize it and change our perspective to a healthy one.

226 days is extremely impressive and shows that you have extreme strength and commitment to staying clean. Since I don't know where you are at with regards to your mindset, which is a different part of this challenge and is crucial for long term maintenance, I will try to explain everything that I have learnt with regards to my perspective of women and marriage. I am sorry if I say anything that you already know but it will be helpful for people that read this that don't know it.

There are a few main topics I will try to discuss, objectifying women, Lust in marriage, sex in marriage, intimacy and love, and struggles of engagement. Again, I am going to write about these but I am not writing obvious things with the assumption that you don't already know them, rather with the assumption that someone else that does not know will be reading. What I am about to write is the perspective I have developed over the past 500+ days by talking to and interacting with some amazing mentors on this site.

One of the first parts of changing our mindsets for long term success in fighting the yetzer hara is to de-objectify women. The porn industry and western society as a whole has become extremely provocative and promotes the objectification of people and especially women. As you mentioned this is completely false and we need to rewire our brains to think of women as people rather than objects of pleasure. Women have emotions and lives which we need to treat with respect as a fellow human being. This is where shmiras eynayim comes in to play.
Shmiras eynayim is about respecting women, jewish and non-jewish, regardless if they are tznius or not. We need to respect them so that we can have true self-respect and to have the ability to respect our wives (and future daughters BezH). When we look initially out of instinct then that is not in our control and we must make sure not to linger, fantasize, or look back because that is when it crosses the line from instinct to animalistic Lust, which rips away their humanity and turns them into a object of lust for our own twisted pleasure. We cant truly respect ourselves if we don't respect others and we need that self respect in order to live lives of shalom. This is also why looking at billboards and other advertisements because in doing so we disrespect ourselves by lowering ourselves to look.
We cant control how they look, we can only control how we react.

Due to our exposure to porn and western cultures perspective of sex and marriage we have an unrealistic idea of what marriage will be like. Many bachurim and chassanim have the idea of their marriage being full of sex and fulfilment of their desires, and this is really detrimental to a marriage. When marriage and especially sex in marriage is solely about the physical, then the relationship gets lost. When a person uses his wife as a way to just satiate his desire, he is corrupting the true beauty of marriage and replacing it with Lust. This is where people go wrong when they think that marriage will help cure their desire. Marriage only helps with taivah when sex and intimacy in general is done in a proper way with a healthy mindset.
When we are deep in Lust, especially when we use our wives to try and fill that desire, we distance ourselves from others emotionally. We tend to use Lust as a way to numb our emotions that are difficult to deal with, like stress, anxiety, depression.... and we block or never even develop the tools to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. What ends up happening is that these numbed emotions end up resurfacing and compound with new difficult emotions, and we keep trying to numb them over and over. We then become callous without even realizing and we tend to unintentionally and sometimes intentionally, out of anxiety or fear, block out true connection in any of our relationships due to the overwhelming emotions that come with them.
This distance that is created, whether intentionally or not, is detrimental to a healthy marriage. We all know that women tend to be more emotionally in tune than men. Well this is true with regards to sex in marriage as well. Women need that intimate and emotional connection more than the physical. A wife will instinctually know when a husband is just using her and not connecting with her on that emotional level, and she may start to feel abandoned and not valued by her husband because he wont connect with her intimately. Meanwhile the husband may be oblivious to this because he is numb from lust and has these views from western culture. 
Lust kills Love, Love = Intimacy, Lust kills Intimacy

What is intimacy? Unfortunately most people believe that intimacy is just sex. In reality sex is only one aspect of intimacy. Intimacy is what takes place in the day to day interactions of your relationship with your wife which add to the feeling of true love.
Love is not just an emotion. The initial stages of a relationship are full of this emotion that people feel as love. While there is a spark of love there and there is the start of a relationship, this love is really infatuation. True love is a choice. Love is something that is intentional and needs constant work. True love is creating an environment of safety and intimacy that you and your wife can connect with each other. During engagement is the start of the building of that true intimate relationship.
 The main types of intimacy are emotional, recreational, physical, and sexual (there are more but I am forgetting them at the moment). Intimacy is how a husband and wife truly connect on the deepest of levels, and that connection is what develops a deep love for each other.
Emotional intimacy is, in my opinion, one of the most important and foundational parts of a marriage. The ability to trust, feel comfortable, respected, cherished, and valued is crucial for a marriage. This form of intimacy is also usually the form that is most valuable to women. Women need that feeling of trust and comfortability in order to feel loved and cherished. 
Recreational intimacy is doing activities with your wife and getting to see different sides of her personality in different situations and vis versa with her getting to know you. This is mainly focused on during dating but is also crucial to have during marriage and usually gets lost with the advent of a busy life. It is still very important to continue going on dates once married even if you may not have time. The investment into your relationship will make the rest of your life better as a whole.
Physical intimacy is not sex and does not have to be sexual. For a woman, especially one that is shomer, it is a very special and intimate thing to trust her husband with this. A hug, a kiss of affection, even a holding of hands is something that enhances your relationship with that special connection and that trust she gives her husband should be cherished. To be held and feel secure, to hold a hand and just know that your not alone.... and many more than I can imagine. (we'll get to the hardships of fantasy during engagement)
Sexual intimacy is the culmination of your love and emotions for each other and is one of the holiest things in judaism. When a husband and wife connect in this way they bring the schina into the home. I could go into more depth but I don't think that I can post that on the singles forum and I don't have access to the bal habatim forum .
There is also I believe financial intimacy as well and maybe a few more that I am forgetting.

Again, engagement is extremely difficult. When dating there is this amazing bubble of just you and your now kallah going on dates and having a good time with each other. Now during dating there is really a step back from each other even though your relationship has gone to the next level. Especially for us as guys where we don't need to do much but choose a tallis bag and show up to the wedding in our suit. 
A very difficult part which I think you can relate with is the fantasising. We are in this weird stage where she is still not mutar to even think about in this way but our mind and our bodies are closer to having this deep, emotional, and intimate connection become even greater with, a muttar, sexually. Something we need to try to internalize and change is our desire for her.
We need to change our desire "for her" to instead a desire "to be for her". Fantasizing about her is really us satiating our desire with disregard to how she is and who she is. If we change our perspective to truly want to love her and be with her then we need to control ourselves to be with her and at her level of the relationship. 
To add to that, just like she is not mutar now to think about and look at in that way, so to when she is a Niddah and we need to practice on making sure that we value her for more than just the physical part of the relationship. We need to value her from her perspective of how she feels valued rather than our warped view on how we think women feel value.

I hope that I made sense and if you feel like this is too much for your thread then I can take it down and move it to mine.
If you want to talk more message me!

Again, Mazel Tov!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hey yosef,

I can definitely relate to both your previous post and the post beforehand. I am sorry that I couldn't respond. Something that I had and still have a difficult time with is when people don't respond, but we have to realize that we may have time for GYE sometimes (I don't right now but I am procrastinating and feel that this is very important) but most of the other people, especially the ones that respond, have very busy and full lives. Juggling work, kids, a relationship, and our own daily nisyonos, which are very time consuming. 

Something that is very hard to realize in the moment is that when we are experiencing stress, depression, and anxiety if we run to porn and masturbation then we just end up adding more emotions like guilt and lack of self worth on top of all of those emotions. 
Once we get the instinct to use porn and masturbation to numb our emotions out of our system, aka rewire our brains, we start to gain the tools to deal with emotions. 
I can guarantee that life is way more enjoyable without porn and masturbation. Every day there is a calm sense of peace that and a higher sense of self worth that is irreplaceable.

With regards to connecting to Hashem, when we are in the clutches of Lust it is very difficult to connect to anyone. We tend to draw into ourselves and subconsciously we block out others out of fear that they would find out what we do or out of the feeling that we arent worthy to connect. Their is also a fear of loosing our companion that we thought was our friend. We learn to rely on lust and it appears as if it is always there for us. We need to change our perspective and acknowledge that this was never something that helped us but rather it drained us and left us out to dry. 
Here is a post (that nobody responded to ) :
guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/413816-A-Friend#413816

I hope that this helps and I would try type more but I have to get back to class to finish about 15 assignments and study for an exam  
 Again, without porn and masturbation numbing my emotions I am able to push through this stress and anxiety without a huge weight on my whole body that I use to feel. It ain't easy but its 1000% easier!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

I would like to disagree and say that it is neither easier or harder for either a married or a single. The nisoyon is similar but is actually very different.

First of all the nisayon is different for each individual regardless if they are single or married.
In general there are a few underlying factors that both singles and married men have to attain.

- Realizing that Porn, Masturbation, and other forms of Lust are poison to our overall health. They make us dependent on this dopamine affect which numbs our difficult emotions. Only once we stop using lust, can we start to learn how to process emotions in a healthy way.

-Regardless of pas besalo life is way more pleasurable when we aren't constantly numbing ourselves. Life is more Vibrant and fulfilling without Porn and Masturbation and you don't need to be married to experience that.

- Using Porn and Masturbation make us feel like frauds and cause us to live a double life which blocks our ability to truly connect with family, friends, rabbeim, Hashem, and ourselves.

- To be an upstanding individual of integrity we need to respect others and ourselves. Objectifying women wether online, in the streets, or in person debases them from being human into just objects of pleasure and Lust. Imagine knowing that when someone looked at you all they could think of is how to use your body? Objectifying takes out their humanity and replaces it with our animalistic fantasies.
Respecting others by not objectifying them, even when they don't seem to respect themselves, is a matter of self respect. Doing this is how we come to respect our (future) wives and have the self confidence in knowing that we are in control of our minds, and doing the right thing.

- Singles and Married men need to know that sexuality and sex are some of the most Kadosh things in Judaism. Hashem created it for us in order to connect with our wives in the most deepest way.
The porn industry shows us this extremely false perception of what sex is or could be, when in reality these people are being paid to create this false perception of pure lust. A person must know that what is seen online or in our fantasies is completely false and no woman would agree, let alone enjoy, these terrible things. Again this is where we need to deobjectify and realize that true sex in marriage is not about the act, but also the deep connection between man and wife that brings the shchina into the home.

- It is our job as men wether single or married to clean our minds for our (future) wives and children. Using Porn and Masturbation distances ourselves from them wether out of fear they will find out or even to protect them from ourselves. To truly have a home of safety,  comfort, and trust which are vital to a wife and kids is not something that just happens. It has to be intentional, and wether you are single or married we need to start now in order to build that environment.

Please don't compare to wether being single or married is easier. All you need to know is that fighting this battle is possible and achievable regardless.

Take each day one day at a time. You dont climb a mountain by jumping to the top. It takes each step. You may slip but in order to get to the top you need to continue climbing, one step at a time.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Welcome to GYE,

No bother at all. In fact, ask more!!

Kedai - Worth it
"Its Kedai"

Chizuk - Give strength, encouragement, reinvigorate
Giving/receiving Chizuk 

Nisayon - Challenge, Hardship
"This Nisayon can be overcome!"

Kedusha - Holliness 

    People tend to refer to the nisayon of porn, masturbation, and other Lust related struggles with Kedusha issues. I think that they refer to them as that, but don't actually use it or internalize it in the right context. 
    I believe they think that its a kedusha issue because using porn and masturbation lowers their kedusha. In reallity this is just scratching the surface of why it is a kedusha issue.
    One of the holiest creations is sexuality, and one of the holiest acts is sex when done properly in marriage. When you are truly free of lust and you are there for your wife, you bring down the shchina (Hashem's presence) together into your home.
    When we use porn, masturbation, and other forms of lust we are corrupting that kedusha (holliness). That is imho (in my humble opinion) the true meaning of "struggle with kedusha".

Kmat - almost, very close
"you are Kmat there"

Shalom Bayis - Peace of the Home
Shalom means Peace, and Bayis means Home
"Overcoming Lust and being there for our wives and children greatly increase Shalom Bayis. When indulging in Lust we cant have true Shalom Bayis"

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hey yosfthetzadik,
Please feel free to reach out whenever. I am 23 and single (soon not to be as BenHashemBH mentioned ) 
I used to use Porn and Masturbation daily or multiple times a day from age 12. Baruch Hashem I am currently at around 580 days of no Porn and 440 days of no Masturbation. 

Heres another post of mine from a while ago 
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412126-Jewizard21s-Journey?limit=15&start=120#432410

As for married men having it easier, its not so simple and I can elaborate when I am not running off a few hours of sleep, 3 coffees, and it being 12:30am 

Also there is a stage where nobody really talks about and that is the engagement period, which I will also elaborate on at a different time.

For now, what have been your main motivators so far? and why do you think they haven't worked long term?

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!

Hi! Welcome to the most amazing family, TT613!
We are here to support each other, we care about you, we want to hear from you, and we look forward to watching you succeed and share your thoughts and insights with us
Keep on trucking!!!

Beautiful stuff!!! Congratulations on your progress. Perhaps consider calculating how many of these 90 days you were clean. Then set yourself a goal for the next 90, to try to beat that amount by whatever amount of days you think is realistic. Soldier on, and keep on trucking one day at a time. 

I am only attracted to frum women so I understand your struggle. It seems like you already know what to do about it. Keep on trucking.

Welcome iwillkeepmybirth!

Being here and fighting means that you are changed. You are looking for a way out instead of wallowing in sorrow. You are here and you are incredible.

The hardest part is the begining. This may sound counter-intuitive but its true. Its super easy to have that initial spark of conviction but to continue after that spark seems to fade is extremely difficult. 

May I ask what is your motivation to change?
Sometimes we just know that we need to change but we don't think about why we want to. Once we can pinpoint the reason for the desire to change, then we can use that as true motivation to keep on going.

This also works the other way around. Why do you think you rely on Porn and Masturbation?
Yes, there is taavah, but whats the root of that.There may be some underlying factor that causes you to rely on these outlets. Especially if, as you said, that this has been part of you your entire life.
We dont realize how much we've wired our brain to rely on Porn and Masturbation to deal with difficult emotions. We end up just numbing ourselves from the fears, anxiety, loneliness, being tiered, exhaustion, etc... and in doing so we never gain the tools to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, which blocks us from living a peaceful and happy life of serenity.

I can tell you as a former user of Porn and Masturbation on a daily basis for almost a decade, It may seem like you're giving up this friend, but in reality this friend is holding you down. Life without Porn and Masturbation is way more Vibrant and fulfilling, and I can't wait for you to get to that point. I know that you have it in you!!

Take it each day, one day at a time. You don't climb a mountain by jumping to the top. It takes each step and sometimes you may slip, but the key to climbing is getting back up.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Welcome to the forum!

I definitely relate to you about fantasizing from a young age of around 4-5 only to find out when I got older that it is Assur, but already having it so ingrained in me that it was habitual.

I am 23 single (engaged) and Baruch Hashem I am 570 days clean from Porn and about 430 days free from Masturbation. The fact that you are here on this forum and that you have had many tekufos of being clean by shear will is extremely impressive.In my humble opinion there are 2 types of motivation. 1 is for Hashem and that this is assur and the other is doing this for ourselves. I truly believe that one should focus on doing this for ourselves and in doing so this will enable us to open our eyes truly to see the beauty of Hashems creations.

A very important part is knowing what your motivations for becoming clean are and even finding more reasons to become clean. For me personally my main drive was to be clean for my wife and kids, and only after starting my journey did I truly realize what that means and that we need more than just external reasons to stay clean. Sometime the goal will feel super distant and we need an internal component to get through tough times. This is where I believe we need to really change our mindset on key topics related to struggles with Porn and Masturbation.

Common misconceptions:

- I am “giving up” Porn and Masturbation and I will never have sexual satisfaction until I am married.

    This is wrong. While there is an instant gratification to Porn and Masturbation there are actual mental problems that arise from using these outlets in the way we do, and especially from a young age. When we use Porn and Masturbation we are using them as a coping mechanism for difficult or intense emotions. When we numb our emotions we are still in our same difficult situation but added to that is our guilt and shame from using it. We then try to numb those emotions again which eventually resurface because they haven’t actually been dealt with, rather they have just been pushed off. The cycle of feel, numb, regret, feel, numb… is all too familiar and is very unhealthy. By never dealing with our emotions we never develop the proper emotional tools that are crucial to live a happy and peaceful life. 
Another affect of using Porn and Masturbation is that we feel as if we are a fraud and that doesn’t allow us to live as ourselves. We distance ourselves from others because we think that deep down we are a failure and that other people will be horrified by us. We may try to stay aloof from others to try and protect them, including our wives and our children, when in reality that distance only hurts you and them making it harder to break free.

 -Sex in marriage will make it easier to not masturbate

    This is not necessarily true, if a person does not have the proper education of what sex in marriage truly is then it will only make things worse. What we unfortunately have been exposed to online and through secular media is fake. The ideas of Love and Sex that they portray are just fantasy and not reality. Sex as it is displayed in media and Porn is pure Lust and they make believe that they enjoy being demined and belittled. The truth is that just like everyone knows that Hollywood actors are miserable inside, Porn stars are worse off. They are being abused and paid to act as if it is enjoyable. Any man that thinks his wife would conform willingly to such acts does not truly think about women as people rather they just think of them as object of pleasure, and it may just be that they have not been educated on the true nature of sex and sexuality in Judaism.
    The truth is that sex in marriage and sexuality are two of the most kadosh things in Judaism. When a man is truly with his wife they BRING DOWN THE SHECHINA to this world. To truly be with ones wife one cant just take, he must give. When someone just takes they are just doing an act of Lust and this kills intimacy. Intimacy is not sex, Intimacy is the connection and Love that a husband and wife have, sex when used properly in marriage is a culmination of that Love and Intimacy. If one is using his wife for his own pleasure, his wife will notice the lack of intimacy and then it may/will cause her to withdraw from him emotionally causing a strain in the relationship. Meanwhile the husband is totally oblivious as to why he is having a hard time with his marriage and doesn’t know that his wife feels as if he doesn’t want to be connected to her. 
     How do we change our mindset of how we view women and ultimately our (future) wives?
I truly believe that it is a matter of respecting another human being. We need to treat women as humans and not just object of pleasure to look at and use. When walking down the street or even just having a conversation with a woman we should strive to be able to control our initial fantasie.Respecting woman is how I view shmiras eiynayim. They may walk in the streets not stnius but that doesn’t give us an excuse to disrespect them by fantasizing about their body and not recognizing that they are a human with emotions and a life which is so much more than just their body and our animal instinct.
Our initial glance is our instinct as a human, but to linger or to look back is lust.

I would add a lot more but to be honest my first response got lost after a half hour of typing and now this took just about the same time. If you want to reach out feel free to send a message and Ill try to get to it as soon as possible.

One main lesson is to take each day one day at a time. Don’t get lost in the end goal, focus on this day. You don’t climb a mountain by jumping to the top, it takes each step and you may slip. But the most important thing is to get back up and keep climbing.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Hey everyone, I have some amazing news!

Baruch Hashem I am Engaged!!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me along my journey and hopefully will continue helping me.
I wont be sharing details out of privacy but I can definitely tell you that a huge part of the reason I am marrying my Kallah is due to challenges I have faced throughout my life, and how I have overcome them. As you may have gathered from my previous posts, one of my driving factors in overcoming this nisoyon was for my future wife and children. This may seem like a goal that only comes to fruition after getting married but it really changes who you marry and how your marriage will be.
No doubt about it I would be in a totally different place if I hadn't started working on myself and eventually seeking help from a rebbe, I can truly see how clear it is that Hashem was directing me and helping me on the path to be there for my Kallah as I am today.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Wow! Amazing! 
My dearest newest brother, welcome to THE most amazing family on earth! You sound like a truly wonderful person, who has done much to grow in this area, and beH we look forward to watching you soar! Keep posting, keep us posted, and keep on trucking!