I just wrote out the whole start of my Second Step and it all got lost
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
so here goes again:
I was having a hard time getting started on the second step until this Shabbos when I learned through the Sefer Hachinuch on the mitzvah of Achdus Hashem. One of my Rabbeim always says that we think we are all fine with respect to this mitzvah. But in reality we are not. One example. The Chovos Halevovos in Shar Yichud Hamasheh (Perek Daled) discusses the maalos an ovied Avodah Zara has over the machnif (one who does mitzvos to impress people). He says that the idolator has but one god whereas the machnif has no limit to the number of gods that he has. So in essence the assignment given to us by Dov is not only necessary for my recovery (which should be reason enough to do it) but for my Yiddishkeit as well. As the Chinuch notes the mitzvah of Achdus Hashem is a mitzvah that is upon us every minute of our lives and all other mitzvos are dependent on it.
So here goes:
I would say that I definitely make lust into a god. I am willing to alter my lifestyle, my core values and my daily routine if it will allow me to get lust. This is not limited to looking at porn but even in my relationship with my wife. It is scary what I would do if I think that it would get my wife to have sex with me.
I suppose at some level the same can be said for money or the desire to acheive financial security. Although truth be told. I think my desire for lust is stronger than my desire for money. I will permit laziness to get in the way of my desire for money and financial security. I think my desire for lust is stronger than my trait of laziness.
Honor and self-respect are a strong god for me. As a result I have a very hard time pursuing even my lust in public. That has prevented me from going to strip club or the like and has essentially kept my addiction private. I think that honor is also one of the drives behind my lust addiction. Since my addiction is driven by a desire for knowledge. And I think that is rooted in the fact that the more knowledge I have the smarter I will be and therefore at some level it would me more Kovod. I get a certain satisfaction in speaking in public because I'm good at it and people complement me. I get the same satisfaction when I'll write a letter to the editor and it gets published. Even if I do it anonymously the fact that my family knew itself puts me on a high.
There is also a certain voyeuristic sense to my lust. I like to get to know people's lives. For example, if I get for work purposes a person hard drive I will go through it and try to get a sense of who the person is. For the same reason, I perfer amatuer porn because it feels more real and more like I'm getting to know the person. It doesn't matter that I have no clue who the person is and that I would never meet them.
I also enjoy the thrill itself in finding porn in creative ways. The same was true for my facebook addiction. I would friend people just to be able to get a glimpse into their lives. It makes no difference that I had no idea who these people were and I hoped to never meet them.
Last week the thought occurred to me that I try to make myself into a god. That is I will make deals with G-d such as if you give my wife desire for me I won't look at porn. As if C"V I could control Hashem.
I'm note sure if this all makes sense. If its what we are supposed to be doing. But I had to start somewhere.