Beautifull words NB. "I want to worship him instead of my false gods. I so desperately need him as a real presense in my life." I think that's a loaded sattement that you put out there and shouldnt be taken lightly.

Stick with it bro.

thanks, david. i do hope to stick with it.  i have so much due by the end of tomorrow, right now, im sitting at my desk wondering how i am going to survive.  so heres my prayer:

please hashem, help me get my work done in a timely fashion. please continue to bless me with the ability to keep my clients and partners happy. please dont let me fool myself again into believing that there is any salvation or relief in porn and please let me understand how you want me to fulfill your wishes.

The Never Believer wrote on 05 Aug 2010 13:47:


Wow! What a beautiful tefilah.  I think I may borrow it from you.

wow is my wife pissing me off. sorry this may not be the place and time but i think i need to put this someplace. so there was this really cool watch i wanted. i ordered one for myself. but i know that my wife hates it when i spend on myself. apparently, i earn it and she spends it. so knowing she was gonna be pissed i actually ordered 2 of the same thing. this way we can match and shell let me keep mine. wrong. she said that im gay for wanting to match her and because of the colors of the watch. she said "this time im putting my foot down, youre returning yours." what the flake man. how did i get to this position where i cant spend a single damn cent i earn?

Hey NB,

Just want you to know that I davened for you tonight in Shema Koleinu. I asked Hashem to help fix your situation so that you can better be of service to Him and the world. I continue to daven for you.

Be well!

Thanks david that means a lot to me. Wow this sucks. I woke up at 3 for no reason at all and I can't fall back asleep. Hashem please allow me some rest I work so hard and I can't function this way anymore.

How's the coyote doing? Found anything  to do at 3am yet that is actually fun?

ani lo hachol yoter

so when youre not in a program of recovery and youre acting out you think to yourself, "my life is sh-t but maybe if i enter a program of recovery then itll get better." but when youve gone to sa meetings, began working the steps, read up on the literature and still act out you feel like there is no hope. its a horrible feeling. and it makes you want to stop the program of recovery. you think "id rather not be in the program than in the program because i want to at least have hope." and you think "how can i go to a meeting and keep saying "i am sober for today." so you stop and quit. and then you punish yourself some more and you kill yourself and hurt yourself and abuse yourself until you say "oy! i need a program of recovery"

convert "you" to "me" and you pretty much have my story.

so im starting something new that i pray will help. i am willing to be patient and to work the steps but i also need some "SERENITY NOW!!" i need some sobriety. so every day i get on the phone with yanky. he is my sobriety partner. we make a pledge. It is found here: www.sanashville.org/images/SA_Daily_Renewal.pdf

i hope that by doing this i can develop some level of sobriety that can get me back on track with the 12 steps and the program. the only way to do it is to do it. so here i am.

Sounds like something....a good something....so, howz tings?

how are things? i know our ultimate goal is real recovery through the 12 steps but i also need in addition to that a way not to go crazy. so i have this daily sobriety renewal thing im trying. as part of that i tell my partner what i will be doing that day to stay sober. so yesterday i committed to reading from the white book. i read from pages 45 through 63, basically going over what the authors called the spiritual part of the addiction. a lot of it was very confusing to me. what i understood was that apparently, initially, there is this fake or real wrong that we resented. then we would play that resentment over in our minds many times in order to get that feeling of rage that gave us a high. then we became addicted to that high. we enjoyed the feelings of hate and rebellion associated with the resentment. and we treated it with our drug of choice (fill in the blank, blow, weed, booze, sex, etc). then it became a cycle of hate and drug that generated a life of its own and continues into perpetuity until it destroys us.

all thats way too deep for me. but i guess it answers some questions. like why it feels so good to go after the forbidden lust. apparently we're kinda addicted to the wrongness of resentment as much as we are the drug we treat it with.

im gonna find it interesting to find that resentment in me. i feel like ive been addicted to lust long before i could have possibly generated real resentment towards stuff. like i was like 10 or 11 max. and i kinda look back at my childhood with a mixture of sadness and skepticism and i promise that i will give my own kids more than i had but i dont think i began feeling that way until much later. i think i thought my childhood was superdee duper until i was out of childhood and fully addicted. so i dunno. all this sounds like stuff we should be addressing with a licensed medical professional. im a little apprehensive that were mucking through real physiological, psychological  and emotional issues without the help of any science or medicine.

like, so long as the problem was "you lack faith in god" then i was fine with a non medical/scientific cure but if it is like this deep psychological disease then im apprehensive. nu, nu, we'll live and learn. 

The Never Believer wrote on 26 Aug 2010 16:08:

I “hate” to break it to you TNB, but this is 12 step stuff. Sorry buddy  . This is all part of steps 1 and 2. You are powerless and you know it. You know you cant do it alone you need a fellowship to help you.

Not really sure what youre saying with the rest of your post but I’ll check out those pages in the SA White Book and see what its saying.

Keep it up!

I feel for you man.

The other day I was doing so well with recovery. I mean really well. And for some odd reason I just acted out. I did it. I dont know why. Life was beautifull. Everything was going great. God was as a much a part of my life as He had ever been. And then BOOM! The next thing I know I'm back to square one. It sucks. It really does. I had my longest sobriety in about 6 months and now I look back and can only think that today would have been day x. But you know, writing this out definitely helps. It feels like some sort of burden has been lifted from my heart and now its time to move on and stop living in yesterday or even tomorrow. I need to just live now because I already know what yesterday brought and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Right now I am sober and thats all that matters. Over the past 24 hours or so I have been thinking that maybe this sint the right program for me and what not, but I dont have anything else that works and I know this does work so I need to work it. I just realized that I missed tonight's call but that is going to be a constnt thing now because I have other commitments that I cannot back out of for other people.

To end off this rant on your thread I am going to say the 3rd step prayer with as much Kvanah as I can (please say along with me...No really please do):

God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.  May I do Thy will always!

And now the serenity prayer:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine be done.

Be well all!

Well we can think of it like: if were both different then neither of us are different from each other because were going through the same motions.

And oh ya, Amen to the Tefillah.

Thanks David!

..just to be nosy: I like saying "amd to do with me as You know best," instead of "and to do with me as is Your will."

It just seems more to the point to me.

Whatever, like the yiddle-guy said, it's all relative, or something....