i didnt masturbate almost six months.
i work the program
when it works, they say: you see? the program works!
when i take an action of lust, they say: 'you' dont work the program!
my life, my marriage is just getting worse every day.
i keep on crossing new boundaries.
i abused my child, i called her names that i still didnt do since she was born.
i keep abusing my wife, verbally,i think it all stars when we have sex, and when we have sex i can never, for some odd reson,  be satisfied and happy.
i was up to step 4, and i found my self foundering.
i reached out to some old timers, told them, i work the program attend meetings, and im still out there, after a short discussion, they all told me, ''you dont have a step one''.
i started again step one with my sponsor.
and was very comitted to the program, and things started to get better.
i shared step one to my group.
30 minutes after my share i was back out there.
and i cant get back.
life is getting more and more miserable.
im back out there, i cant get on the tracks back.
i feel judged.
i share every thing with my gruop, but i feel judged. and im no more comfortable to do it.
i dont find on this earth - for me - a safe harbor.
i still didnt act out, i dont see any good reason to add pain to my pain, but i dont see any light of hope for my self, i only see how im falling deeper and deeper in abyss.
i wish you all the best, thanks for letting me share.

Hi, my friend. My heart hurts for your pain. May Hashem give you the strength to pick up the pieces and keep fighting, until you succeed.

Shalom,

I know sometimes it can be hard to overcome the despair. HaShem taught me to be happy with my process and to understand that maybe I'm not perfect yet but He doesn't wants a perfect human being, he wants someone who desire improve step by step in order to serve Him with our inner core.

Celebrating my mini wins allowed me to start seening myself in a diferent light no the siner one but the one who wants reach holiness.

If you want you can check this intention of a poem: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/390373-Tracing-HaShems-lights-within-me#390374

HaShem whom is all kindness allows you to reach new heights.

יומי, I feel your pain.

יום ליבשה wrote on 28 Dec 2022 18:57:

I'm so sorry to hear all your pain. We are all listening. Hopefully nonjudgmentally. Feel free to continue sharing. We are always here. hugs

All I can tell u is that it's a 12 step program not a 4 step program just go thru the program as fast as u can if that means giving away days and hours then be it.. bcs otherwise u will end up .... 

It doesn't have to take months to finish u can do it in three weeks and be the most honest u can.. 
and God will be with u .

Hatzclocha