Internet: How do I feel? scared, to cancell my subscription is both scary and painfull. Scary since I won't have any of the manye 'usefull' and 'absolutely neccesary' benefits it offers me. Painfull, since the internet, and computer itself is part of my addiction. The controll it provides me, the warm sweet sence of security I get from it, how can I ever live without it?
Is it true? looking back at my browser history All i have is GYE, EMAIL, a watch store, and kolhalashon (no I'm not frum to listen to shiurim, just REALLY REALLY BORED). GYE, i can do offline. Email, I won't need. Watches, couldn't ever find one I like enough, and when I find it i won't buy it. KolHalashon, it's גזל to use it, because I don't listen to their protocols.
Is it Absolutely true? The computer is part of my addictin, the soft touch of the ketboard sooths me. The gently grip of the mouse makes me in controll. just touching the computer feeds my addiction. The computer itself serves no use to me, and even my wife would need to dust it every time she uses it, if it wheren't for me. I waste my whole day in front of the stupid machine. many gedolei yisrael hold that it passels me from eidus and other thingies. It's the worst thing for my ruchnius, and whatever minute benefit I might get, I could surely surrender
that and hashem would give me it in other ways.
How do I react when I beleive that story? I hold onto my internet connection, I make plans to switch my filter Enativ- for K9. I purposefully spend my entire days by the computer. I close into myself/the forum and cotinue hiding from the REAL WORLD.
Who would I be without the story? How would I be different?
- I could finnaly learn torah during my available time
- I would sleep as much as I needed to get healthy (I got CMV/mono)
- I would have a REAL SA support system, and sttend real meetings
- I would be more diligent in attending meetings, and GYE phone conferences
- I would have time to make a parnassa, and actualy use it
- My wife would receive attention, and I could actually help her in thehouse
- I would have the AVAILABILITY to finnaly GROW and ACCOMPLISH something with myself
- One day I might be able to lead a GYE phone call
- I could one day be sober
It's a scary thing, but over the next few weeks I will try bli neder to try adjusting to such a reality. After all, this is part of my step 1 SURENDER.
