the joy is great and so the pain. 15 years of desprate cries, with no answer. at last there is a light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. 15 years of trying every method in the books. 15 years of having a double life. 15 years of silence and being hopeless. 15 years of hiding the truth (even from myself). it only took me deeper and deeper into this mess. it started from 12 looking at the department store magazines, to dialup internet. then basic, porn and finnally hardcore. i can't believe myself sitting here and typing these words. it feels unreal. i can't believe how the innocent young boy turned out this way. i was the quiet kid, who was nice, with good grades, observant and always tried my outmost to keep all the laws. it took months of work from R dov to convice me of this reality. i was still under the previous impression of being that innocent boy, but i am not anymore. i am sick. i have a disease. i have an addiction. i need special treatment, and cant live life the way others do. besides, i don't even know how to get out of it. i only know this fact. i have a father in heaven, who created me, know made me with all my problems, and that he cares for me more than anyone else. he knows how to treat me. i ask of him every day to help me. when ever i get stock i ask him to help me. since i have no other hope. i have no one else to turn to and just cry. no one else understands whats even going on with me. after 15 years i have found a road.
it took 5 months of just going to 12 step fellowship to just understand this much. i have much more to understand and to work on.
i have waisted 15 valuable years. the best of my life. there couldn't be any worse news that one could tell me. i have killed those years. i have changed my desteny with my own hand. is there any pain greater than this?
dear friends, but there is one good news. i have seen people much worse than myself heal. people who have been with prostitutes, abused physically, raped, drug addicts and drug dealers. there is hope, but only in the 12 step fellowships. there was nothing greater for me than seeing men who have done it all come and admit, hope they would have never done what they did. it didn't do anything for them. they lost all thats good because of it.
before you know it time flies. its upto you to chose how it flies. 

Dear sweet friend,

You are moving and have already come a long way be"H. Consider this: He can make the lost time up for you in some way. He does that, being the Ribono shel Olam, it's no big deal for Him. I have seen it happen.

It's kind of like teaching an adult how to read and write...true, you lost those formative years, but giving language to a mature brain is even more geshmak. He will develop more quickly and show more noticeable growth. Rav Noach used to say this about ba'alei T'shuvah vs teaching children...nu. It's a perspective.

When wondering 'what might have been' I need to focus on the present and future and think positively about the Love and Power of Hashem. When I find myself wondering about lust, I need to focus on the past and all that was lost because of my eysek in shtuyot and selfishness. Maybe you will use that, too.

In any case, hatzlocha!

day 203.
i want to thank hashem for giving me the opportunity to keep clean so far and to experience a new reality which i never have before. these days i have found a new challenge; what to do with my time. believe it or not, this has never been an option for me. for the last 15 years every free time has been automatically set aside for acting out, either via internet, tv, magazine, fantasy .... i never had the option to choose not to do them. now, even though i still have the challenges, at least there is an option to choose. i am used to either having to take action as a must or if i have free time, just go straight to acting out. now, i can actually think what options are out there and what i can do with the extra time i have. these free times allow me to do what i want which is also constructive, which in turn will be more of a reason to be happy and confident.

thank you again to hashem and his messenger, gye ( specially r dov)