Hi. Thank you all for caring about me, and taking out the time to write in.

I really do need some help...I hate to admit it, but it's true. My yetzer hara is not going down without a fight. In fact, he is confident that he will win, and is taunting me to just give up, before he has to crush me (kind of like a big bully saying just surrender your lunch money, so that I don't have to pummel you to the ground, and then take it anyway). He is saying that fighting him is futile.

My yetzer hara must know that I am onto something, and is getting a little nervous. He therefore tried to discourage me and convince me to simply give up, before I really start fighting. Knowing this is actually encouraging, in a weird way. If my yetzer hara is trying so hard to stop me, I must be onto something...and passing this nisayon must be really important in my avodas HaShem. I am committed to passing this nisayon and breaking free once and for all, and in doing so, I know that I will strengthen my relationship with HaShem and get really close to Him. I know that I can pass, and I will pass. The regret, disappointment, and embarrassment of not restraining myself and living up to my potential, is far greater than the pleasure of giving in.

Yosef

Yossel!

It's late!

Fell Shmell, go to sleep and KOT!

EBD

ben durdayah wrote on 08 Mar 2011 22:39:


I have to say I appreciate both of your messages, but I don't really understand this last one, other than it's late already, go to bed. What is KOT? knock out teshuva? Come to think of it, I don't really understand "Fell Shmell" either. I think it means don't worry about falling or the falling that happened in the past. Just move on and up closer to HaShem.

Yosef

Keep·On·Trucking  (Truckin', abbrev. KOT)
slogan (GuardYourEyesian)

1. Continuation of good behavior including -but not limited to -not acting out or viewing P***, but most importantly -NOT LOOKING BACK, AND NOT LETTING THE YETZER HARA GET YOU DEPRESSED!!!

2. A philosophical system propogated by bardichev (a.k.a. Bard's, Reb B. and other assorted aliases) professing the accentuation of the positive and elimination of the negative through the positive. This school of thought has a large following on a recovery website known as "Guard Your Eyes" where one can read the bible of bardicheviology on his best selling thread, entitled "Bardichev's Battle".

Fell Schmell
slogan (GuardYourEyesian)

What to tell the YH when he tries to get you down after a fall.

Sometimes it takes time to learn how to say this with the proper inflection and conviction.


Hatzlachah!

E

I was pretty close!

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement.

Yeah, I went to bed way too late, but with caffeine, I'm o.k. to learn.

Tonight, I will go to bed by midnight.

One day at a time, slowly getting better, moving forward and upward toward HaShem.

The fact that I learned night seder, and did not act out, and got up today on time is a big step in the right direction!

I am learning to control my actions, and rein in my tyvahs.

Yosef

chazak ve'ematz! You know there are ways to program your filter to prevent you from extending your sessions. Of course there are ways to get around it. But if you tell your wife that you really dont want to be on the computer so late and you let her make up the filter code, it could keep you in check. just an idea. The more barriers you set up for yourself, the harder it is for the YH to win. Ratzon is nice, but from my own experience, its not enough. If you know where the falls are happening put up "firewalls" to block it. Fighting it head om once you are under the influence is alot harder than avoiding the problem alltogether. Hatzlacha Rabba!

Of course, you are right. It's just that I worry that I'll be in the middle of something when the time comes and it automatically shuts off, and I will be very upset...and then I won't be able to go to bed, because I won't be calm and relaxed...and then I will be vulnerable to fall.

So, I just prefer to be a big boy and pass this test without this trick (which may help others).

Reb Yossel,

The inyan here is not 'trick' or 'no trick'.

We're talking about avoiding or minimizing tests -not getting in to matzavim where we are put to the test.

Most have us starting by trying to 'beat the YH', as you put it so eloquently at the top of this page. But we have found -and I'm afraid that you will as well, if not sooner than later -that beating is not the issue. We have to realize who and what we are up to here. Try and read the Handbook and Attitude Handbook and you'll probably get what I mean.

Be well, Good night (it's late!)

E

to echo reb EBD,

our job is not to be macho and beat the Yetzer, it is to stay clean and pure. if something can help you stay out of trouble that should be embraced.

the Avodas Yisrael in parshas Vayeshev says that eishes Potifar wanted Yosef to lay in bed with her but NOT to do an aveira with her, rather to brings things within a hairsbreadth of doing it and then stopping, thereby making a bigger kiddush Hashem. and she meant it leshem shomayim. but Yosef did not buy it. he ran out. even if it would've been more heroic and more appealing to be the macho guy who beat the yetzer. that's not his job.

and it's not mine either. i need to avoid the nisayon. and stay clean that way. evasion is often better than confrontation in this area.

(i am talking to myself)

continued hatzlocha
zs

I told my wife that I wanted to try putting on k9  in order to be like an alarm clock at 1am automatically switching off the internet. She agreed to try it. We installed it, and gave it a test time 15 minutes later, and it said that it was having tech difficulties...possibly it doesn't work with mozilla, I don't know. In addition, my wife said, after using the computer those 15 minutes or so, that the computer was way slower. She promptly uninstalled the k9 filter and that was that.

I'm trying....any ideas/suggestions/comments?

i'm not a big computer whiz but most systems have parental control software where you can control online access and if the system doesn't have then you can probably download a utility that can do it.
for a filter, if you are having issues with K9, you can try OpenDNS, it is free. SafeEyes is also a good filter but it costs $50 for a year.
btw, i use K9 on a Windows 7 machine running Firefox. maybe try updating the browser and the system and then trying K9 again.

glad you are doing well
continued hatzlocha

I would suggest safeeyes.com
you could set separate profiles for you and your wife
you could set for yourself a strong filter and time restrictions, it shouldn't affect your wife as she would have her own profile

I really think its worth the effort to convince her for that
think ahead
do it

I'll try the safeeyes, since staying up too late at night on the computer, really leads to all the problems...falling, not getting enough sleep, missing night seder, and coming late or being exhausted in the morning. AND I can't seem to get off on my own at a reasonable time.

I am ready and not ready (at the same time) to give up watching movies. This is a really bad habit, but I doubt I can do cold turkey. The key for me will be to go to night seder every night, and NOT get on the computer when I come home at around 11pm. Instead, I'll just read in bed, and fall asleep. Maybe once or twice a week (Erev Shabbos and Motzei Shabbos) I will allow myself to watch a couple of free movies on the computer, until I can ween myself off of them completely. But, I MUST have an automatic time limit Motzei Shabbos with safeeyes or whatever, so that I don't fall into the trap and stay up too late.

I also must cut back my time on this site, posting and reading posts, and just do it daily, because I think it IS so good, before 8:30pm and not later. Night seder and then not getting on the computer when I come home is going to be the key (do something else...something productive with my time, so that I simply avoid getting myself into a problem/nisayon).

Also, to this end, I am going to print and bind both handbooks here and the windows of the soul handbook.... And then, I will read them AND Light of Ephraim, instead of spending so much time on the internet.

I need to change the way I am doing things, in order to succeed. Just posting here, and on the accountability thread, and reading posts HASN'T done the trick. And I am determined to succeed and pass this nisayon and finally break free. Yeah one day at a time, but I want to accumulate many hundreds and even thousands of one days, and not keep falling back every time I take a few steps forward.

Yosef, it's great that you are doing stuff and working on yourself!
keep it up
here is a link to download Windows of the Soul
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/Windows%20of%20the%20Soul.pdf
have a great shabbos!

Thanks for the link. I still have to get these things printed out AND then read through them slowly and carefully...and Light of Ephraim, though it's going to be heavy reading.

But it's necessary, since just posting and reading posts, isn't doing it for me. I need something that will help me to prevent a fall.

Yosef