Why am I making this?
I feel nervous making this. I feel nervous committing myself to the site-- I want to pull away.
Some part of me keeps screaming "this isn't me, I don't want to be associated with this, and if I just ignore it, it will all go away." Whereas writing this post would mean making a commitment to stick around. Which would mean making a commitment to facing this part of myself. Which I have gotten very, very good at not doing.
And that same voice keep saying that, you know what, this time it will be different, I got chizuk from the site so now I'll be fine. So I can just... back down from the actual, you know, getting entrenched here thing

It's just.

That I've tried a million times before.
And so I know that this high of success day 1, day 2... it lasts until the next fall. and then it's back to the same cycle again. No thanks, not interested.

I feel like having this, instead, will maybe make the difference between this time and all the others. And if there is a next time-- well, that's a painful pill to think about, but I'll just have to get up again. And last longer next time. And hit 90 days. And hit 180 days. And hit a lifetime...

so.
Today's day 2 of the rest of my life.
And I feel, to be honest, kinda incredible =)

---

(sometimes I wish a site like this could exist not just for this specific nisayon but for nisyonos, period. because some of the stuff I read here applies to much more than just this. and I think so many people need a place like this, even if not specifically for this nisayon.)

Astir,  Sometimes we addicts feel that we will not be able to withstand our temptations to fall.  This is the YH speaking, NOT YOU.  I could hear from your words that the true you wants to become a true part of this website.  I can see that you are yearning to have something else fill that void inside of you. This is the sole purpose of GYE.  Your participation on this website will not in itself heal you completely. Rather, GYE will provide a filling for that void that the YH so constantly tries to fill with lust. It is important to realize that while the temptations may take long time to go away, you can still begin to recover while they are still inside of you.  Jut like any other sickness, you must take the antidote while you are still sick, before it is too late.  And remember, like you so positively said


sheva yipol tzaddik vkam

I think that with this type of attitude you will succeed.

Well... I think this site and the people on it are incredible, and I think that will definitely help.

(Even minus the main nisayon right now, this site is incredible just for building Ahavas Yisrael-- seeing all of you struggling and working and inspiring each other, and realizing that you are the faceless nameless people I might see around me... it's amazing.)

(I'm sooo glad Hashem brought me here)

Astir

U know why u are here?

Cause I'm here

You know why I'm here?

Cause ykv schwartz and was here

Its called a chevra

Yup

As addicts

We suffer alone

Alone in dark quiet offices

Click click

Tick tock

Time

Family

Real life

It all goes

Just to feed the gnawing feeling

We feel lonely

And we feed it with more lonliness

"Litaava yivakesh NIFRAD"

Welcome to the family!

Keep on trucking!

B

...and I'm here cause Barditchev thankfully decided to park his truck here as well.

Don't forget Steve the Pickle and DC 12 Step Phone Groups...

For me I needed the added benefit of meeting live at SA meetings...

You goota connect first with others that have reached some sanity then connecting with your wife children ftaher mother...


yourself..


and every step of the way starting a real connection with Hashem.

it's day three!
and.
see here's the thing.
I had assumed that a constant awareness of the presence of Hashem leads you to a constant awareness of not sinning.

...i'm discovering the opposite is true as well.

hi Astir,
welcome and continued hatzlocha!

interesting point you make there...