I started a couple days ago writing on the "introduce yourself" forum and it  gave me alot of chizuk. Because I went ahead and read the handbooks, forums etc. This helped me start the 90 day challenge (something I never would"ve done otherwise).
  So first off I would like to give a thanks to all those that replied to my original post and brought me to start this challenge. Every day that I"ve held out so far and biezras Hashem that I will be clean in the future is to your credit
  My first post on gye was as follows a letter I almost wrote to a theropist I"ve been seeing for depression, and went as follows
                            "I didn"t want to wait because i was afraid I'll end up not saying anything. Truth is it makes sense that I"m running away. Running from life or better yet running away from myself. I have what to run away from. I really am a failure and would rather live a fake life then face reality, because every time I tried facing reality I failed. We all do have some monkey in us and we act on whats comfortable. Life ain"t comfortable, or better yet I cant live with myself, so I dont. There is another way to deal with it, but I dont think you"ll approve. Its called suicide. Problem is It wont make things any better, otherwise I wouldve done it already. 
      People think of me as this great guy but I know the truth. I know there aint anything really there . Its a fake a fraud. I know this sounds like Im feeling hopeless, but truth is I am. I turned to oblivion because its so much easier, or better yet its the only thing I can do. After enough  times of being punched one tends to stop picking up his face. Its only natural you know. Im sick of this whole life. Sick of being who I am. Sick of pretending to be someone else. I dont even know if ill send you this ill probably just erase it. Its not worth it anyway. I guess it is because even the smallest hope is better  then none. flake whats the difference if theres hope if I wont go through with it anyway.
  dang I do need help, but if I cant face myself how can I expect anyone else to. If I cant admit my reality to myself how can I admit it to someone else. flake this is so stupid maybe I should just jump. Ill tell Hashem I couldnt do it. It was to hard. flakeKKKKKKKK....
  Truth is I am getting by this way. It didnt take away the problem, but its that other guy its not me. Ill split my parents into good and bad why not split myself. dang I know this makes no sense but..........................................."

  As you can see I was feeling very low and quite desperate. More like hopeless, but I got to say that for the first time since this depression hit (about a year and a half) I really feel hopefull! I feel like I have hope. Hope to become clean. Hope to live a normal life and hope to get back to myself!
  I am right now finishing the fifth day that Ive been clean. I can"t believe this myself! Please Hashem, help me together with all those suffering from this terrible sickness to break free and searve you in earnest. Amen.

That is GREAT but don't forget that this is a work in progress. Don't forget the good times (when you feel up) during the bad times. I don't think that anybody had 100% success the first time they tried. If you do, that is great but if you don't just keep on trying and don't let it get you down as moving forward and growing is a success in itself.

Best of luck!

  Installed, I know your right and Im very scared about this. Im scared about how ill feel if I C"V fall. I dont know how i"ll take it. Right now I"m so excited, but if something happens I really hope and pray I"ll be able to get back up. This is my biggest fear.
  ITS BEEN FIVE DAYS Thank you Hashem.

  Just an interesting idea/question:
      I"m reading a lot of posts and I keep seeing people talking about Shmiras Einayim and fighting fantasies and thoughts. I wonder if I"m wrong or I"m on to something here, because I don"t seem to have this problem near as much as other people. By me when I see something on the street I don"t fight myself and think if I looked to long, I just ignore it. I look away and continue on in life without harping on it. In the past I used to do as others seem to be doing and it never worked. It seems (at least to me) that harping on it just makes it worse. When I worry about "did I look too long" or "I must stop thinking such thoughts NOW" it seems to just make me think about it a lot more. Even by dreams fantasies and the like I do the same thing. When I feel myself getting excited and the YH grabbing a hold I also do the same thing, and it seems to work much better then fighting it head-on.
    This idea really isn"t mine. I got it from Rav Yaacov Kanievsky ZTL in his sefer Kuraina Di"igrusa and more directly from Rabbi Dr Greenwald in his sefer (forgot the name of it). In the fifteenth letter in Kuraina Di"igrusa Rav Yaacov writes clearly " The physical eitza to deal with this (bad thoughts) is to not think about it" Also in letter 370 he writes "It seems clear and obvious that these thoughts are not bad character traits, but rather the body automatically thinking about what its afraid of". I think I saw it even more clearly in Rabbi Greenwalds sefer, (I think in one of the haskomus as well as in the sefer in general) but I don"t have it in front of me. If I get a hold of it maybe I"ll quote what I"ve seen.
  Any and all feedback on the above would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Hello [Was a] Jewish Faker

Welcome aboard. Regarding your last comment, there is a difference between working on something and harping on it. Harping on it may be ineffective but making a concious effort to work on something is useful and productive and hopefully can become reflexive.

Regarding your earlier comments and your chosen title, being Jewish doesn't mean you need to be perfect, to never mess up.  The goal of being Jewish is to strive towards perfection. Now that you are working on improving yourself you are not a Jewish faker you are fulfilling your tafkid your purpose in life. If you should fall it is not catastrophic it's a temporary blip something to quickly forget in your life  long march towards perfection.

So cheer up, welcome aboard and enjoy your stay.

great to hear that you have hope and you see things in a positive light. with Hashem's help this will be the beginning of a long journey upwards and onwards to reaching your potential as a productive loving person. You have it in you and you have the support and guidance available here at GYE.

much continued hatslocha
zs

p.s. there is a pub here too, if you're over 21. (under 21 - use the back door)

*hits faker up*



sorry about the black eyes, bro, u asked for it.

Hey ZS, thanks for the offer I may take you up on it. Now where is that pub.......

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1609.0

just take it easy on the drinks, especially if it's your first time

and say hi to the barkeep - Bards - he's a special fellow. ask him about kickboxing lessons as well...

and if you ask me i think you should change your name, maybe like ReallyJewish or JewishLaker if you're into basketball...

Maybe if I ever reach that 90 day thing I can change my name.....

  I am so excited. I"ve been clean for six days now! I don"t know if I got this far in four years (back then I was clean for a couple months)! Six days so big and so small. Big as in the fact that it"s so much more then I"ve done in the past and small because I know I"m not nearly out of the woods, and I"ll never be. It"ll always be a fight, but it seems that if "only" I"d be clean for a couple months I would be able to stay clean, but now I"m so shaky. A former drug addict once told me how he wishes that he can know that one day he won"t have to fight anymore; That one day he"ll be completely free of that urge and that fight of withdrawal. But, it"s not that way. We will always have to fight (although it may get easier over time), and if we don"t realize this, I think we"re asking for trouble.
  Yesterday I had a couple feelings that I wanted to get some feedback on. It was the first time in this streak that I had the feeling of why not. I know Dov mentioned once in the email how he thinks sometimes "I"ve done stupid things before, so thats why not", but it seemed so weird that such a feeling would cross my mind. To think, "why not". "Why not" get on the computer and watch some treif stuff. "Why not"? I know so clearly why not. I know I don"t want this. I don"t want to get entrapped in the never ending cycle of falling. I don"t want the guilt. I don"t want to go against my fathers wishes. The whole thought process scared me a bit. That such thoughts can cross my mind is a scary thing. I guess its just all part of the YH tricks. Blinding us, making us forget.
  Another thing is that sometimes I"m very excited how I"m getting places, how I"m staying clean, and then other times it"s like "whats this whole thing anyway" "what really am I getting anyway" but I guess thats the same thing as above.
  Also yesterday was a day that was harder then others. It wasn"t like  there was more specific instances where I had bigger taivos then usual, but in general the urges and lusts were stronger. I guess thats the way it works some days are just easier/harder then others.
  Anyway I know I"m blabeling, but it"s the only way I can get my feelings out. Write down what comes to mind and hope that afterwords it"ll still make some sense on paper
 
 

jewishfaker wrote on 30 Dec 2010 17:37:
Personally, I am COMPLETELY in favor of blabbering. It's a great way to inject some accountability (to the others here) into our individual naarishkeit of rationalizations, needs for chizuk, etc. And don't worry about boring us -- we can always simply hit "close window." So my thought is -- don't worry about over-posting. Much love; b'hatzlacha.

Oh and is he ever.

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 29 Dec 2010 22:13:


YEAH

WUH YIU WANNA DRINK CIROC??

IS NOHT KOSHA HEHEHE

A FULL WEEK i CANT BELIEVE IT WHO WOULD'VE THUNK
  I'm so excited it's been a really long time since I've even thought about getting this far. I cant believe it myself! It's almost Shabbos so can't post too much, but I got to say that I'm really really excited. It's like a new lease on life!
  It's not only a hope for recovery that brings me hope, ,my whole life seems to (albeit very slowly) getting back on track! I think this iis and was a deep conflict inside me and if its dealt with there may be hope. WHO WOULD'VE THUNK!
  EVERYONE HAVE A WONDERFUL SHABBOS AND WITH THE HELP OF HASHEM KEEP ON TRUCKING