ANOTHER SUCCOS UPDATE
I appreciate the opportunity to write my thoughts here. I feel like I'm in a recovery pressure-cooker right now with the holidays and all the kids home, and this is helping me to stay sober.
I've got quite a few thoughts to share from the last couple of days (I'll make little sub-headings to break it up a bit):
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PROGRESSIVE VICTORY OVER ACTRESSES
On Thursday there was a major SA get-together that I attended. It started with the movie, "My Name is Bill." I haven't watched any movies for a long time, and at first I was thinking, "Great, here's my chance." At first I was focusing a lot on the star actress as I am attracted to any female. I thought maybe I shouldn't watch. But, what happened is I was able to NOT FOCUS on the actress, which was amazing. I wouldn't go ahead now and expect I've got newfound powers and watch any other movies. But, for the one time, it was good to see that this is possible for me.
The get-together continued with a main speaker telling over his story--it was someone who has over twenty years of sobriety, and was very inspirational. The main point he concluded with is, "I CAN BE NORMAL NOW--hold down a normal job, have a normal daily routine, etc."
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ONE MINUTE AT A TIME
As a side-point in a private discussion afterwards he mentioned about guarding your eyes on the street. I told him that I haven't found myself ever able to do this. He asked if I could do it for a day? No. An hour? No. A minute? Yes. (To be even more honest, I think I can't manage to guard my eyes for more than 10 seconds) Then he shook my hand and congratulated me and told me to just keep on doing that--guarding my eyes for a minute at a time. I've heard this idea before, but to hear it as personal encouragement from someone with long-term sobriety, it had a stronger effect on me.
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RECOVERY AND CLEARING THE AIR WITH MY WIFE
I got home from the SA get-together and had a light dinner with my wife. I had told her that morning that I had gone to bed late because something was bothering me and I made a lot of calls to people in the program, but I felt better by the time I went to bed (I don't recommend that anybody should just go ahead and to that--my wife is in S-Anon and we can be fairly open with each other about recovery). I said I couldn't discuss it because I was in a hurry, but we could talk about it later. So, that night she asked again. I told her about the things I have been writing about here: Feeling uncomfortable about this Rav of mine, having unrealistic expectations about the holidays (not appreciating that it's still difficult after it starts), and I also mentioned that I feel bad that she has always been so negative about this Rav. She just listened, and a while later I thanked her for just listening and taking it so well. She responded, "I have no problem with you going to your Rav. If you're unhappy about the way I feel, my sponsor would say that's your problem and you have to deal with it yourself." I think that's a very healthy way to look at this. I felt a lot better having cleared the air. In fact, lots of times when I speak to my sponsor about problems with my wife he says, "Did you talk about this with her?" That's something I neglect to do way too often. The next day--yesterday, was the first day in a while I felt a certain sense of calm and happiness about life.
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A PROGRAM OF ACTION
The night I was making all those calls, a fellow with over 20 years of sobriety said a lot of things that were helpful. One was, when I was told him about all the old habits that were creeping back, he said, "That's in the past, and you don't have to live in the past anymore." He said THIS IS AN ACTION PROGRAM, so when thoughts come into his mind it's not enough to try and use THOUGHTS to get rid of them. He needs to do ACTION. Sometimes he actually walks over to the door and opens it, or rolls down a window (particularly when driving) as if to escort the unwanted thoughts out of the room. Or he declares, "This is a lie!" Any action--to break the cycle. One thing he says he does is focuses on his shoes to bring his attention back into the present.
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S*XAHOLIC VS. OTHER PEOPLE
(L*ST IN MARRIAGE)
One last thought I have to share: When I was riding back from this SA get-together (in a car load of sexaholics) some guys were having a discussion trying to define a s*xaholic. "Is it that, if a normal person's desire for s*x is a 20, a s*xaholic's desire for it is 80?" I added my own thoughts on the matter. It's not so much that a s*xaholic likes s*x more than other people. It's that a s*xaholic is trying to get a lot more out of s*x than its intended purpose. Financial difficulties? S*x will solve it. Feeling depressed? S*x will solve it. Having trouble disciplining the kids? S*x will solve it. But, the problem is that s*x DOESN'T do any of those things. But an addict WANTS it to and thinks it will. And if it doesn't, the addict just DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH to solve the problem yet.
I was recently with my wife physically. I think I have been the most confused about l*st in marriage. So, the above thought was helpful--I feel that by giving this thought away, it came back to help me. "S*x isn't going to solve any problems, it isn't going to make me into Superman or anything. I'm going to be the same Elyah afterwards as I was before--with all my good qualities and with all my character defects. My life is going to be the same afterwards as it was before--with all the parts that seem to be going well, and with all the parts that seem to be going not so well. "It's JUST s*x, nothing more." I think that helped a lot to reduce the l*st involved.
Thank you for reading all that.
--Elyah
