Today was another day.

Yesterday ended up better.  My wife and I had a pleasant discussion.  We had planned some "intimate" time, but we decided it was better to just go to sleep.  It was okay.

And, today has been good. 

I had to daven at an earlier minyan and catch a bus; I had a meeting with someone this morning regarding my career plans.

I forgot my cell phone, AND, the early minyan which I was counting on being fast because it usually is, had a slow chazan today.

I was panicking because I was afraid I would be late.  And I was panicking because I needed my cell phone.

I admitted to my sense of panic, and asked G-d to remove it.  I felt reassured that, even if I was a bit later, and even without the convenience of my cell phone, everything is going to be alright.  The worst that could happen is I'd be late for my meeting.  Big deal.

So, I was able to hand my panic over to God and stay fairly calm (which I needed to do again when there was lots of traffic). 

And, I have to accept that I'm human and I'm still okay even if I make mistakes (forgot my cell phone).

And, I"m okay even that I made a mistake yesterday (yelling at my wife).  As time goes on, I am improving.

--Elyah

thanks for sharing so honestly, clearly and for teaching by example

you are a good man

Ditto!

Beautiful Elyah!

...you know you've been OFF GYE for a while when you've got to click through multiple pages to find your own thread!

My filter malfunctioned recently.  I did one of those stupid things, "BUT, IT'S SET ON HIGH!  FOR SURE X-Y-Z WON'T GET THROUGH!"  But, it did.  The thought entered my mind, "Is this what you're looking for?  Is this going to make you happy?"  I had this image of myself as a decrepid old man, sitting all alone, hunched over in the dark in front of a computer screen, pathetic, glued to these images.  No real human being in sight--no wife, no kids, no friends.  No life.  Just me and these 2-dimensional images.  It wasn't pretty.

My wife has the filter password, so I had to admit to her, "I don't think the filter is working properly."  We changed the settings again, to practically de-activate the internet.

--Elyah

You're a good man Elyah and I have a lot to learn from you. Thanks for sharing its uplifting.

I've had a lot going on lately, and came to a new appreciation of the SA program and how it works.

I don't have so much time to post right now, but I'll say this:

I've been listening to the AA Sandy B recordings (available at Silkworth.net, free downloads).  He spoke weekly, each time on a different step.  However, it was a large meeting and he assumed that each week there were lots of newcomers, so each week he gave an overview of the 12-step program.  I was tempted to start skipping this, but I found the review was really helpful; it has really clarified and solidified some important points for me.  Also, each time he elaborated on something more than other times, and that turned out to be something I really needed to hear.

I have gotten caught up alot with people trying to explain HOW and WHY the 12 steps work.  Sandy B, however, says something like this:  The 12-steps are a spiritual plan (not an intellectual plan).  If you analyze them and "study" them, they don't look like the'll DO anything.  "These are nice ideas, but they don't look like they have anything to do with my problem."

He quotes one of his friends in AA who says, "AA is taking 12 steps that we don't believe in"--BEFORE we take them.  However, AFTER we take them, we see the results, and then we believe in them.

The main thing is to look at the results.  Look at your way of life and the results you are getting.  How's it going?  Look at the way of life of people following the program and the results they are getting.  Which would you rather have?  Theirs?  So give it a try--even if it doesn't make sense.  And YOUR JOB is not to analyze and understand, YOUR JOB is just to pay attention to the results you get, and see how they compare to the results you were getting with your previous way of life.

Also, I recently attended a 12-step workshop; a fellow who has been sober through SA for about 16 years took a whole group (about 90 people attended) through all 12 steps--in two evenings.  It was fast, but it was thorough; I saw a "Back to Basics" workbook (once offered as part of a GYE phone conference) which says that, originally, the steps were given over very quickly--in a weekend, or in four sessons--once a week for four weeks.  I gained a lot from this workshop and, IY"H, I hope to share some more of it here in the forum.

I also attended a TOOLS FOR RECOVERY workshop, with over 100 tools for recovery.  I hope to somehow share these with the forum soon, too.

--Elyah

Thanks so much for that, Elyah. Beautiful!! KOT

Thank you for the link. 

Here's another thing I wanted to share from the Sandy B recordings:

He says the goal of AA is to stay sober AND HAPPY.  "If you're not happy, you're not doing it right."

He says that people have a misconception.  They think being "powerless over alcohol" (for us, lust), means that once we take that first drink, we can't control ourselves.  But then, if that was the problem, the solution would be simple--just don't take that first drink.

Our problem is WHEN WE'RE SOBER!  When we're not "drinking" we feel so miserable--we can't handle life.  And it feel like such a huge sacrifice to refrain from our "drug of choice."  But you can't stay technically sober and miserable for very long.  We're just a time bomb waiting to blow up.

So, the 12 steps gives us a new game-plan for living, a new way to deal with life so we can stay sober and also happy.

--Elyah

Nice point, elya. Thanks.

I am going through growing pains.  Coming slightly more out of my dillusions of grandeur, becoming a bit more grown-up and responsible.

For a long time I was holding on to this idea that if I just stay in kollel and work on the side (preferrebly in kodesh) I'd eventually become some big talmid chacham-mechanech and, on the side, be able to earn a respectable income.

This plan, perhaps, worked at the very beginning when I was newlywed with only a baby or two and, besides that, inflation had not yet quadrupled the price of everything.  But, honestly, this plan has failed; everything really fell apart a few years ago.

I have been trying to look at reality, and trying to be realistic.  I am prepared to leave "full-time" learning (which I barely manage part-time anymore), and I am prepared to take training in a new field.  After a few months of exploring and researching various options, G-d finger seems to be pointing right now, for me, to a high-tech employment--something not related to Kodesh.  I am taking some sort of aptitude test this afternoon, after which I will be eligible to start a training course.

This thought really brought me down yesterday.  I made a bunch of calls and talked it out with some other people.  Today I discussed it a bit further.  Someone told me--a big part of this addiction is that we live in a fantasy world.  Coming into reality is part of recovery.  Also, a few people are stars, but most people are ordinary, regular, average people.  Sometimes we need to "have the courage to be mediocre."

--Elyah

both beautiful points eye thanks! I wish that Hashem should guide you down the right path for you and that you should have hatslacha, parnassah and a sipuk from what you are doing.

Great pionts Elyah. Thanks.

I am starting to feel I have reached a new stage of recovery.

For a long time, I had these messages in my head of selfishness, self-centeredness, and self-pity.  The struggle until recently was merely trying to put them aside and do what G-d probably would rather have me do.  The struggle went something like this, "OH NO!  HERE I AM BEING SELFISH AGAIN!  I HAVE TO SURRENDER THIS, I HAVE TO TRY NOT TO DO THIS."  And, sometimes more successfully than others, I could put it aside.  I experienced only these negative thoughts, and at best I could surrender them.

As part of the 12-step workshop I attended, I took a massive inventory of all my character defects.  This was, at first, the result of doing steps 4 and 5.  Since then, whenever I have felt disturbed, I tried to pin-point exactly what defect is at play.  Do I feel left-out?  Am I afraid of authority figures?  Am I critical of others?  Am I shooting myself down?  Am I expecting the worst?  Etc.  I filled a whole sheet of paper (typed, with only a comma separating one defect from another).  It was suggested to us to say the 7th step prayer for 2 weeks, and specify all the defects we want to humbly ask G-d to remove (if you don't ask, He won't remove them).  So, throughout the day, I became extremely aware of when I was disturbed, and what was disturbing me (often a half-dozen defects at once), and then I humbly asked G-d to remove these defects--and to replace them with the opposite character assets.  It has been very powerful.

I have lately been feeling new emotions.  I accompanied my wife on a trip to the hospital--we needed to discuss possible treatment for one of our children (minor hearing loss).  Before recovery, I had nothing to do with this; it was all on my wife.  Until recently, I would have felt, "I'm off schedule all morning, but I guess I'll catch up; this is really what I should be doing."  But now I'm starting to have positive feelings like, "I AM A RESPONSIBLE FATHER; I AM DOING EXACTLY WHAT I OUGHT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW."

I think I am starting to experience what I've heard so long ago--after you uncover the negative feelings that have been buried, then the positive feelings start to surface, too.  (We have buried our negative feelings all our lives--but you can't do that without the positive feelings also getting buried).

7TH STEP PRAYER
"My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do Your bidding.  Amen." (Big Book pg 76)

--Elyah