YVY wrote on 01 Aug 2011 13:48:


True, there is a possibility of being found out.  But, I don't think there's much of a probability.

Though everyone feels they are risking their lives by telling their story here, we all speak in generic enough terms that practically all our stories sound practically the same.

I haven't given out my last name, phone number, address, social security number, or bank information publicly on this forum.  That would be a stupid thing to do on the internet in such a forum.

Also, it's unlikely that all the people I know who I would be concerned that they might find me on this forum even know about this forum, let alone spend any time on it and meticulously read through all the posts to indentify their neighbors, friends, and acquantances.  Most of such people, I think, don't even have internet and barely know how to turn on a computer.

And, there are people who I have come to know personally through this forum-we have exchanged phone numbers and we have even visited each other's homes (or at least celebrated a 90-day victory together), and their friendship has only been an asset and a strength to me (and probably mine to them, too).  None of us are going to blow the whistle on each other.

In fact, it's this real-life involvement, and the benefits I have gotten from it, which has made me feel the drawbacks of fake usernames all the more poigniently.  It has driven me to be more real, as much as possible, in all aspects of recovery.  I have come to feel that to do differently is a real loss.

--Elyah

I would just add to what Elyah posted (and I've said as much to someone who asked my opinion) that if your name is common enough -it's almost paranoid to think that using it here could be a risk of losing your anonymity.

Bishlaima if you have a really uncommon name or kinui like "Zanvel" or "Mesushelach" this could be a concern. But if you have a standard name like Yosef, Chaim, or even Elyah -you're like a needle in a haystack. Even if you have a less common name like Gavriel, Raphael, or Michael -you're in good company. Sure everyone's got friends by these names, but on the other hand everyone's got friends by these names. See what I'm saying?

But that's just my opinion,

Eli (yes it's short for Eliyahu. So what? I'll bet that out of 1500 members, there are at least a minyan of Eliyahu's here!)

Eye.nonymous wrote on 01 Aug 2011 15:07:



Thank you Elyah, your friendship is an asset and a source of strength to me too and the kumzitz in your succah was one of the most important things to happen to me in my continuing recovery.

Thanks.

Hi - haven't been around in a while, and I'm really glad to hear how well you're doing!

I am really impressed by your decision to use your real name here. I hope you don't mind if i explain my own reasons for choosing not to do so. I should point out to people reading it that (as I'll mention in a minute) although I don't use my real name on the forum, I have shared my issues with many people in real life, and people who know me in person, or even over the phone, know my name.

I was definitely paranoid when I first joined the site, although as time went on, I became less so, and i think that anyone who's met me in person knows my name. However, I don't think I'd want to put my name up in public. I still remember when one of my chavrusos asked me if i'd ever heard of GYE, and I was like, "oh, yeah, I think I've heard of it somewhere...what is it, exactly?"

He reads the chizuk emails, and is a nice guy - but I don't need every nice guy knowing about my issues, just the people that i share them with. And as it was, I wondered if he would recognize any of my opinions if they were quoted in a chizuk email. If it was said using my first name, it would kinda be a giveaway.

Just my two cents - and Dov, I would be interested in hearing your opinion.

i think your chovrusa is a active member here and was trying to get help from you. He didn't want to share more info, because, he thought you are nota member. So, can Silenbattle's chovruse please raise his hand here on the forum and we can connect them right here ?

You are preaching to the choir on this one, buddy. I believe that using our real first names in PMs and posts will be very helpful in most cases. And the ones who are reluctant to use their first names wi=ould be helped the most by far. They have the most shame. That's poshut.

The heavy breathing and dry mouth we get when meeting face to face for the first time with another GYE guy for improving our chizzuk/recovery relationship...what's with that? Why do the guys who talk a big program for years here and decide they need to go to meetings - still feel their heart skipping beats and lightheaded when drawing close to the meetings....why?

Why is it so hard for so many guys on the phone  calls to utter their names - and even harder to actually speak up about something they are having trouble with - and even harder to tell their stories....hey, we are all hiding behind the phone speakers, no? They get the words caught in their throats. I have seen it every time I get a desperadoes group for that first call. So many are reluctant to say their names as we go around the group. There is obviously some incredible power in being real with another person in any way at all. We all prefer to be fake - no, not in theory...but when it comes to actually speaking up, we hide as though we'll die if we come out to another real person in a real way. And the real-er, the worse it is....

The saftey in virtuality is indeed a double-edged sword.

Otherwise what's the power of using my name and not just a username? Why is it so hard? It's part of hiding, lying, and acting out. It is one of the enablers for me - a frum guy - to save face as I go around porn-seeking and masturbating (in secret of course) - more privacy....to keep acting out.

That's my feeling on it. (Ouch)

Is that what you were referring to?





But of course, we do not share these things with people who would not understand and respect our privacy.

shteighecher wrote on 02 Aug 2011 20:55:

Dov, you knew I won't resist, right?    ;D


SilentBattle asked one thing & you responded another thing. Your response is (mostly) irrelevant to SilentBattle.

dov wrote on 03 Aug 2011 17:08:

silentbattle wrote on 02 Aug 2011 20:33:



SilentBattle is NOT hiding behind an anonymous alter-ego. He is using his REAL name. He shared it with many other GYE guys! He is NOT trying to deny that he has a problem etc.




dov wrote on 03 Aug 2011 17:08:


silentbattle wrote on 02 Aug 2011 20:33:


Putting REAL names in posts (which may be used by Guard in GYE Chizuk Emails) in the public World Wide Web is as un-private as possible!!!!

Avi is unprivate? Shimon is unprivate? How about Shmuel, Michoel, Yaakov, Shalom, Zanvhyl, shloimie, mendel, mendy, yossie, yechzkel, david, duvid, dovie, burich, baruch, velvel, simchah, Moishy, Moshe, smeryl, shmeelu, yonasan,m binyomin, eli, eliyahu and yoni. Mordy, mordechai, kalmon, chayim, chaim, and reuven? Ari, aryeh, mich'l, and zalmon? What?

These names would reveal the true me to any outsider at all?

Puleeze. Yeah, to the person with the name it seems they'd be picked out of any crowd by dropping it. Everyone would know. I call that narcissism and self-aggrandizement, nothing more. You and me and our little names are nothings, and practically nobody pays attention and practically nobody even cares.

The fake loss of safety is poshut not worth the gain of fake secrecy and holding onto real shame.

Fighting about this topic is a huge waste of time, may Hashem help me shut up already. When people want the freedom, they'll let go of their shame, come around to the other side of the wall and see they were so wrong...and laugh. But in the meantime, I am not laughing.

dov wrote on 03 Aug 2011 18:31:



and to continue your logic:

If using a first name which in no way connects us to our posts, in what way is that any more REAL?




Meeting fellow GYE guys WHILE WEARING MY USERNAME ON MY LAPEL felt much more real to me than sharing my first name to anonymous strangers via telephone or typing. That is how it felt for me. You, and others, might have had different experiences. In fact, using my first name on phone calls felt the same as using an anonymous username. I currently have an open & honest relationship with a few dear GYE friends. Some know my name and others know me only as Yosef Hatzadik. There is absolutely NO CORRELATION between the level of honesty & recovery between those two types of friends. The only thing that makes a difference - in my experience - is the level of openness. As long as we only use generic terms (i.e. I am lusting; I had a fall etc.) it is not yet REAL.  When that barrier is broken, real change begins.


BUT, having Recovery friends in REAL LIFE, not just anonymous strangers who are using a generic first name, that is taking it on to an entire new plane! That Recovery is as distant from the former as heaven from earth!

For better or worse, I have some very storng opinions which I believe in - and I share them both here, and in person, with friends. Having my first name attached to it could make it very clear who I am.

Shteighecher - mebbe, though I don't think so. He was very honest about his own struggles an what he was doing about it. And either way, I gave him whatever support and advice I could. I don't think we have a responsibility to explain all our struggles to everyone who tells us that they have some trouble with masturbation.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 01 Aug 2011 05:33:



So, your cute username is now up for grabs?  :

Or are you gonna auction it off?? 

This topic’s been discussed before and it gets more intriguing each time (especially when “Dov” gets fired up about it).  Can we just agree d’avid  kemar avid?

Lots of continued Hatzlacha Elyah.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 03 Aug 2011 19:21:


We did that once at a little GYE get-together.  The fellow's wife was out for the evening, and so he had "some friends over."  The nametags all fell off by the end of the evening, and his wife found them around the living room the next day.

Wasn't easy to explain "Holy Man" etc., nametags.

--Elyah