Thanks everyone, your support and comments are greatly appreciated. 17 days clean so far...

17 = tov  ;D great fantastic!!!!

May you get to "meod meod" = 90

Today has been hard work, and still is hard work. I really am feeling the urge. I know that it is totally mindless, but there is a part of me (called the yetzer hora) that just doesn't care and wants mindless stimulation. It's at times like these that I really am certain that I am dealing with an addiction. Thank God I haven't fallen, but its been a close call. Sometimes I wonder if I'm addicted really - but I guess I just have to think of the tough times in order to realise how enslaved I have been to lust. I still am enslaved, but I am committed to breaking free.

The torah say that Vayivoser Yaacov Levado, Vayeovek ish imo ad alos hashachar.

A number of observations - they may be original but I doubt it...

1. The yetzer hora attacked him davka when he was alone. Letaava yevakesh nifrad.

2. The yetzer hora attacked him at night, in the dark. Lust glows in the dark.

3. The yetzer hora wanted to disappear when day broke, as it doesn't like being held up to the light of day.

4. R Chaim Shmulevitz says that the yetzer hora answered yaacov's question as to the yh's name by saying 'why do you ask my name?'. This answer signifies the fact that the yh doesn't really have a name, because a name signifies essence, and the yh has no essence, it is purely smoke and trickery, nothing substantial.

We're with you Tzadik! Keep strong!

I can't fall asleep..the lust won't let me fall asleep....I've been reading stories of tzaddikim to try to relax my mind...

You sound tense.
I am sad that you can't sleep, and admire your fierce tenacity.

I have recently thought about how what fuels my lust is often a desire to relax. To get out of this seemingly endless chain of fighting and denying myself pleasure - just relax. To fall into a soft, warm, loving embrace...
But really
I see that I have instant acess to all of that - and more:

This very thought is a tikun!
Let Go and Let G-d

When I say this to myself - I relax!
I no longer have to fight
I no longer have any pressure
I am at ease
I am no longer lusting for something I can not ever have.
I am reveling in the warm, loving embrace of G-D

I am protected
I am cuddled
I am consoled for all the pain

בידך אפקיד רוחי
There are many such psukim in Krias Shma al Hamita
think about them
and
go
to
sleep
with
out
fear

Pleasant comforting dreams
My dear Yesodos

Thanks a lot for that, Chaim. Its really true. I've gotten into a terrible habit of acting out in order to release tension, and I'm not doing so well at relaxing without it.

I've not fallen yet, but I'm very close to falling.

I am feeling tense and unhappy. I'm going on holiday in a few days, so Im really busy now dealing with stuff. Also, a few of my friends are moving away soon, which makes me sad.  :-\

What would you guys tell me? Take it one day at a time. Ask God to relax me. Read the handbooks.

I am demotivated, but hanging on....  :-[

In a funny sort of way, this addiction is a gift. Its a huge opportunity to grow spiritually. In order to overcome this challenge I realise I am going to have to really really dig deep within myself and uncover powers of the spirit that I do not yet have.

The addiction is a blessing, not a curse.

yesodos12 wrote on 27 Jul 2009 12:14:


Heligeh yid,
See Tehillim 38:18,19 (parentheses are a suggested possible "drash teitch" for addicts graciously provided by you and me):

18 - ki ani l'tzelah nachon: "For I am ready/prepared to slip/fall over" (
)
      umach'ovi negdi tamid: "and my illness is regularly/always before me" (
)
19 - ki avoni ageed: "When I relate my avohn/sin" (as long as I speak freely of the things my illness "tells me to do" - avohn=intentional - this is putting step 1 into action for the rest of my life)
      ed'ag meichatosi: "I will worry/fear from my cheit/mistakes" (then all I will fear is my typical misjudgements - cheit=mistakes, like inappropriate shame, hiding, and self-righteousness, because they lead me to end-up lusting. This is the role of steps 4-10 - for the rest of our lives).
In a similar way, the rest of kapitlach #'s 38, 39, and 40 speak to me a great deal. I like to do what Rav Nachman says and darshen/interpret the Tehillim for the chizzuk I need today. I do not ever mean to imply that Dovid Hamelech was anything like an addict, chas vesholom.

[BTW, some meforash explains that since "z'donos na'asin shegagos" with teshuva meyir'ah, Dovid Hamelech says "avoni agid", meaning "I'll do viduy: the basic teshuvah", and then there will be no more avonos, only shogegs, hence "ed'ag mai[b]chatos[/b]i"]

Yesodos
You ARE growing, with every post, and with every time you become aware of your thoughts and control them.

סור מרע
just stay away as much as possible from different sources of your temtations. No need to check on them...
they'll do fine without you.


You mentioned a vacation - whar type of place will you be in?
Will you be in places or situations that no one knows you and might be tempted to take advantage of the anonymity?

Will you have accesss to computer without filter?

Try now when you are far away to imagine the different types of temptations that might present themselves, and imagine actually carrying out your plan for success! Look the other way and spend time with your family

Please tell us about your various ideas and your successes!
We are rooting for you!

Yesodos holy Warrior,
That was a  really  beautiful insightful interpretation of the verse "vayivoser Yaakov lvado...."
Please keep em coming!

With this kind of Torah inside U, U might consider starting a thread in the Bais Medrash section of GYE.

Your post's and  battle inspires all of us, don't u dare give up

Noorah

25 days, still in, thank god.

THings have become a little easier now, but i know i still have to be really careful.

On vacation, so not much time to post. thanks everyone for all the encouragement, especially dov.

speak soon.

What special nisyonos have you overcome on vacation?

I FELL  > > >

Very annoying.

I was doing really well...

Holy holy sweet yid who goes by the name yesodos,

Here is a small dose of your own Torah;)

"Vayivoser yaakov lvaado" @ the end of the day Yaako v beat the angel of esav the YH - siman lbonim.........
@ the end of the day u 2 holy Yesodos will be "vayivoser Yaakov Lvado" and beat the angels of Esav the menuvel the YH!

Now is the real battle! Don't let the bas**rd win!

Get up! Get up! Shtay shoin oif! (Alitttle liddele from Lipa )

My love and my prayers
Your friend
Noorah