Day 19. Please help as I have been experiencing tremendous pain for quite some time. In fact, this is the third consecutive Shabbat that I have felt a form of sadness, which bothers me tremendously as it is normally a day of simcha and shalom. I feel as though despite progress and satisfaction in my growth, in regards to recovery from the addiction, there is a sore feeling and bitterness which has been encountered to such extent that I am actually depressed.

Whilst I am normally quite upbeat and positive, at the moment there is plenty of low esteem and a lack of self belief which has discouraged me from moving into a great and pure light of Shabbat Kodesh.

Without going into much detail (as it really is so painful) the depression has caused mental anxiety and negative symptoms which I simply can not bare any longer. Its has been a really difficult day - emotionally exhausting.

I know that it will not be like this forever. Its just its important to feel simcha whilst recovering and enduring the process of healing! 

Response would be appreciated. May all of the prayers from the previous tisha ba'av be answered and this week become a yom tov full of simcha, shalom and rebuilding. Amen.

Shavua tov

Dear Nezach, I felt the same this Shabbos and Motzai Shabbos. I think it has to do with the fact that your soul is spiritually "in tune" to this time of year... Hold out until after Tisha Be'av. Things will start looking brighter again...

Read Chizuk e-mail #428 on this page.

And listen to this 5 minute audio clip.

Day 20. After a busy day, I turned on the computer with my fences half down and without a prayer. Big mistake! I slipped concerning not guarding my eyes and although I was working against the alarm-bells so to speak and searching for shmutz online, I realised that I actually did not want to see anything forbidden. However, I did continue searching and eventually found a few images which were not suitable. b'Hashem I found some inner strength and decided not to continue and change paths before it got any worse. I am thankful to Hashem that it continued no further, and clearly in some form of zechuyut (merit) it was a minor lapse - but a lapse nonetheless.

I feel that this was experienced as I felt the need to channel my energies and the y'h tempted me to 'go back to mizrayim'. I am sorry that I listened and regret what has been seen.

A lesson that I have learnt has been so important to maintain a level of happiness and content: its not all of nothing!!

In the handbook, Windows of the Soul, Day 6, the lesson is to "Be encouraged by knowing that through Halachah study we have the means to master our eyes and change old habits".

My short term goal and prayer is that we concentrate on making a prayer and holding strong fences before we start a session on the computer in addition to learn the laws of guarding our eyes.

Day 20 - Continued. Unfortunately, I have had a lapse (since my previous post). I guess a lot has happened today and my concentration just hasn't been up to scratch. This is a major disappointment which I am sure will be felt in the following days ahead. In truth, I do not want to even think about the consequences to my stupid decision as it will continue to cause so much pain. It is so easy to say that I regret my misdeeds but to live with it is another.

I am so upset because I knew that today has been the day where being successful in resisting temptation and living up to personal values and principles of the Torah would have made me so much stronger and on the path to healing and full teshuvah. The part which we can all learn from is that we must listen to our yetzer tov and be true and kind to ourselves. We must respond immediately to the alarm if we over step the boundaries that we have created.

I did not listen and respond, nor did I hold up my fences with price and conviction. Now I have to start all over again and I am afraid that I will feel continued sadness, pain and despair.

Please help by posting your thoughts.

Dear Nezach
I know what  you have written about.
I know the feeling of looking for something in order -NOT - to look at it.
Testing myself, pushing the bordelines, glancing and not looking.
Titalating my self with the added excitement of breaking almost breaking the rules.

What I did  in order to makeit easier, for me was to define any looking for a not good sight - an immediate fall for me, and my chart will have to start from day 1.
this is really the truth.
If someone would look over my shoulder at that instant and stop me - saying: "what exactly ARE you looking for" I would be embarrassed, and would probably not be able to answer, because the answer would be: "lust"

So I decided that I have to be true to myself and the chart and the forum.
You are determined, and will succeed.
Just be clear as to what you really want.

A second lapse has kicked in. This time it was a test that in retrospect could really have been avoided and overcome without any real struggle. However, I let the Y'H interrupt me from continuing my work and tempt me to look at improper sights. The yetzer tov was so clear and instructive in order to direct my attention to anything but that which is inappropriate; we all know how it goes with the lust addiction. As mentioned in my previous post, even though I could have resisted and wanted to be strong and channel such energies through other means, it became a feeling of compulsion and 'the need to satisfy'.

However, over the past few weeks I proved to myself that it is possible to be strong and resist such illusionary feelings, and that the technique of not feeding in order to satisfy should have again be put into practice.

The power of the lust addiction is so intense that after committing the transgression, I actually could not believe what had just happened! Another lapse! Hashem y'rachem

It is so easy to read the last piece of advise from the previous post where the member wrote to "be clear as to what you really want". To live it is another thing. To live it we need to really think about it and internalise it in order to remind ourselves, each day if necessary, that we share a real life addiction. A sad fact, but together we must gain control with the help and mercy from Hashem.

I am saddened by what has just occurred; it is almost surreal yet disappointing. To think that in just a few days we will be commemorating the tragedies and suffering throughout the history of Am Yisrael and that because of my transgression we may not experience Meshiach this week. I desperately what this tisha ba'av to be meaningful and personal, as well as national. However, I also wanted the days leading up to the fast day to be of repentance and commitment to guarding my eyes and bris. How can I forgive myself and what does it mean to 'let go and let God' after a lapse has taken place?

Day 1. That's right - i'm starting again!

Why? Because to my regret and disappointment, I experienced a lapse. This was due to the fact that entry was permitted for an ambush from the Y'H; a moment of insanity came about when my fences were breached and since Hashem heard no prayer from me to help, save and protect...

How could it be that almost three weeks of maintaining a level of cleanliness and improvement I could have shown signs of complacency? The power of the lust addiction!

It scares me quite frequently what we have to fight against. We could be so strong and clean for much longer than a few weeks and even then Amalek could ambush us and force us back to Mizrayim - Chas V'shalom.

We need to speak, pray and when possible, cry, to Hashem on a daily basis - perhaps even a few times a day. Often this is a difficult task, but essential to our well being and recovery.

A thought that I had as we approach Tisha Ba'av is that whilst we are constantly attracting, and sometime repelling, the arrival of Moshiach, how much do we really want him? Do we feel that with our strength, we are able to be an influential part of his arrival? Is it not important to us to meditate on the churban (destruction) of the Temple and the issues that Am Yisrael are up against today?

Right now, I feel scared and emotional. It has been a roller-coaster for quite a while now - and I am exhausted. But thank G-d I can look back at the past few weeks in particular and with the help that I have received from members of this forum I have achieved, and succeeded with the exception of yesterday. And this will have made me stronger and more determined to recover and become clean. Thank you Hashem for saving and protecting me at such times.

But why am I scared? Because life is mental for me personally, and nationally there are serious problems. I feel almost excited for Tisha Ba'av and with anticipation to rosh hashana and yom kippur - as these are times of opportunity, if we take advantage, we can express our deepest emotions which include regret to Hashem!! The internalisation of the tragedies that have befallen our ancestors, and our brothers and sisters who lived before us and in our generation itself should stir us to teshuvah shaleima. This is true also after understanding the existing political and military threats that Am Yisrael are faced with and what might happen in times to come - Hashem Y'Rachem.

I am deeply scared and uncertain about what life might bring both personally and nationally. This should be a time when we reflect on our significance as individuals in order to contribute and bring about national change and redemption. We should learn from our experiences with the struggles against the lust addiction, as well as to learn from the experiences that our ancestry has had to battle against.
It is only with our strengths (from Hashem) and our decisions and our responsibilities - that we can make a difference. Surely we must resolve and commit to living a clean, wholesome, and honest life to carry out our full responsibilities and expectations - and to live a life dedicated only for Hashem, and not for ourselves.

The famous quote by Gandhi never fails to impress: "Be the change that you want to see in the world".

Nezach I fell your sadness, and want to encourage you.

You are clear as to what you want!

The little details of keeping clean, like a filter, and responsibility program spying on you - will strengthen the fences that protect you. On a fast day - I should look at what I have done. in a practical emotional and spiritual way to keep myself and Klal Yisrael strong.

May you calmly face the future with confident humility

Tisha Ba'Av - I would like to write a few of the stories, characteristics, and the consequences in regards to the story of Tisha Ba'Av - and hopefully it will make a lasting impression on us all. The source for much of what I wish to express is from the Kinut in addition to the book "The Story of Tisha Ba'Av", which is an incredibly powerful and moving account of something many of us struggle to comprehend or relate to on this meaningful day! (A highly recommended read).

The first is an incident that is read from the Kinut. The Roman emperor, Vepasian,arranged for three boatloads of young Torah scholars to be returned to Rome where they were to be forced to engage in immoral activities. When the children heard about this motive, the girls said that they would rather die than be sold as prostitutes, and threw themselves into the sea. The boys learnt the lesssons from the girls, knowing that they would anger Hashem if they continued the journey to Rome and they all jumped into the sea. The powerful lesson from this story is that these were hundreds of children, not even 'responsible adults', who weighed up the consequences and made a decision "al kidush hashem' and to enter the World to Come.

This really hit a nerve and the more that I think about this brave decision and the consequences that they were faced with, the more apparent it becomes: We too are on this boat having to make such decisions!!
The sooner that we realise that we are on the 'wrong boat' which is heading for a destination that we do not belong to, the quicker we can jump ship. And let's remember, we have it easy - our lives are not at stake (although this point will be elaborated on).

There is another aspect which we can relate to, and again, I hope that this awakens ourselves and that we can gain strength through internalising the powerful message.
By learning the story of Tisha Ba'Av in detail, we learn the tremendous courage and strength that was behind the battles between the Jewish people and our oppressors of the time, the Romans.

The Jewish people would fight for their lives, literally. They were amidst a horrible famine, a destroyed city and ruined homes, and so on. The Roman were fighting merely for power, ego etc.

The amazing thing is that on each incident that they were preparing for battle, the Jewish people (our very own ancestors!) would cry to our in prayer to Hashem to give them the strength, despite being weak from famine, and to protect them and make them successful in battle. On each account that this was experienced, they not only survived but won in a miraculous manner. For instance, a group of a mere four leaders were able to kill and scare away a Roman army of over 10,000 soldiers! The Romans would require their allies to assist in war, but did not even have confidence in them to be successful due to the sheer power of the Jewish force.

The message is loud and clear, as we have been learning continuously on this forum - even when all odds are against us, before going into battle, pray with might to God to save and protect us!!

t'G I have experienced a meaningful fast day whilst learning not only about our Jewish history, but about the incredible characteristics and strengths of our ancestry, even whilst we have been weak! We need the courage, the resistance, and the persistence to fight off the yetzer hara / amalek - but can only be victorious (nezach) with the help of Hashem.

Let us gain strength in learning from our history, both personally and nationally, and to learn to weigh up consequences before we act. We must not underestimate the power that the consequences to sin bring about (Hashem y'Rachem) - as we pay the price for it later. Please Hashem, help us all to do teshuvah and for all of our transgressions, especially those of motzei zera, to be transformed into merits (zechut) and simcha for your Name's sake.

Tehillim 44: : טז כָּל־הַיּוֹם כְּלִמָּתִי נֶגְדִּי וּבשֶׁת פָּנַי כִּסָּֽתְנִי
: כג כִּֽי־עָלֶיךָ הֹרַגְנוּ כָל־הַיּוֹם נֶחְשַׁבְנוּ כְּצֹאן טִבְחָֽה

I am inspired by your continuing deep thought and personal cheshbon Hanefesh.
Making these Torah thoughts relevant to your own experience.

This is a great power you have, to use your special mental powers, and Torah knowledge, along with Hashevosa el Levavecha
Continue to inspire us, and bring those lofty thoughts down into our lives.

I just wanted to share where I am holding atm. Even though it is relatively early since my lapse, its not early in my life - meaning that my trouble of addiction has been within me for many years and I am still working on being truly free from it! Despite improvements and growth which I myself have noticed, I have spent the past few weeks very sad and miserable, and this felt ironic. I think that in truth I had inner tension and anxiety b/c of the nature of the addiction.

As much as we claim to know ourselves, we should not 'trust ourselves' with concern to such tests or challenges. My Y'H basically destroyed my self belief, so in regards to self esteem it was rock-bottom (even though I was making progress) so whenever I was alone or entered my house after being with people I would feel sad and dwell on my past troubles. Yet, whilst all of this was going on I felt renewed strength and clarity of mind. It was all very ironic and mentally and emotionally challenging. I want to take this opportunity to thank Hashem that whilst I experienced these very difficult days, I remained free from any desire and continue to be clean whilst guarding my eyes.

Boruch Hashem I let of a lot of frustration and self pity by talking with a family member about other issues etc - and as they say, talking helps. Since then I have regained some self esteem and hope to continue rebuilding my self confidence and belief in my aspirations and dreams, b'Emunah!

So that is where I am holding now. A lesson which I hope we can all learn, internalise and apply to our lives is that we must learn from our past mistakes, lapses, falls - call them what you want. Not merely experience them and 'bounce back' straight away ie. we should never sit in self pity and despair about any fall or lapse, but whilst we bounce back b'simcha, we need to really make time to reflect fully so that we actually learn from our struggles in order to transform them into strength and merit for any future battle. I believe for myself, that these are the days that for the first time in my life im not just 'trying again' but actually learning in order to avoid any desire which helps to eradicate any trace of lust.

b'Hazlacha.

Following what I wrote yesterday, I also wanted to mention that anti-depressants was a strong consideration, but for personal reasons the decision was made to abstain from it - after all, I am a fighter! The real me will win this ongoing battle without the need of medication but only with the help and protection of Hashem and my prayers. Last night, I felt that today would be a difficult and spiritually challenging day, so I prayed to Hashem.
Although I feel strong early in the day, Hashgacha Pratis has assisted my decision to take time out and have a break.

Although there are numerous mashalim (parables) going around, I would like to mention one which can be applied to our situations.

The first idea is that a prison should be designed to be that any new inmates should enter the jail where it is restricting, horrid condition and depressing. As he looks around his new environment as a punishment for his crimes, he would be able to see the over time, as he continues to reflect on his ways and serve time, he realises that he would be able to move to other rooms and environments which are more pleasant and enjoyable, albeit whilst he is serving time.

This helped me with acceptance to the fact that I have a lust addiction. At times, the reality hits home and I feel the darkness looming over me and ashamed. It can be so hard to believe that we have this personal issue!
But the prison that we are in at the moment does not need to be restricting and depressing, but rather calm, clean and bright as we have the support to help us break free!

My friends, we are fighting against the resistance of a seemingly tough and challenging mountain, but when we get to the top the scenery, achievement and satisfaction will be well worth it!!

 

I wanted to mention that lately I have experienced some dreams (more like nightmares) of the fact that I had been sinning! So as I sleep I experience the emotions of the thick darkness and depression that befalls me, the shame and anguish that is felt after letting down my guard; boruch Hashem I wake up to realise it is all just a dream. it is extremely scary how my mind allows me to recall such emotions of sinful behaviour as I sleep. I believe that this is a bracha from Hashem as I wake up strong and even more determined!! : )

I am so grateful that I am feeling such protection and strength which is from Hashem Himself!!

As a mark of my recent achievement, I am happy that I have moved on from taking 'one day at a time' to the slightly longer approach and that the anxieties and tension has been released.

Yesterday was 15th Av, and it has been explained that one of the aspects that this day represents is a bracha for shidduchim. Yesterday it a suggestion or two also came about for consideration which is always a form of relief : )

May we all benefit from the segulahs of 15-Av and continue to make progress and receive strength and blessings direct from Hashem.

b'H it has been a successful week as I start to prepare for Shabbat Kodesh. I am very excited about learning about this weeks Parsha, Eikev, as it speak directly to all of us and we can take from it and apply whatever we choose.

I feel that when a new member joins this forum, we are able to reflect on our progress and success (even if it is minimal) compared to where we were holding when we started out using this forum - b'H.

I would like to receive some more interest over the coming weeks please.

b'Hazlacha & Shabbat Shalom

The most important attitude in my resolve was, once accepting the magnitude and severity of the addiction, to make it priority number 1.

Once it become the most important issue in our lives, we need to be part of the solution. A personal strategy to strengthen my resolve to break free is to express gratitude each day; bracahos such as Atzer Yaztar plays a fundamental part to achieve humility and gratitude.

Please feel free to post your suggestions or techniques to achieve a similar ideal.